In 1997, the nominees for the Razzie Award for Worst Picture were Speed 2: Cruise Control, Fire Down Below, Batman & Robin, The Postman, and Anaconda. (The Postman won the award.) But, let me tell you, compared to the straight-to-video billiards movie Virgin Pockets, which came out that same year, these other lemons are downright Oscar-worthy.
Virgin Pockets is the inane story of pool professional Lizzie Monroe, who years ago removed herself from the tournament circuit because of the pressure and control of sponsors, and turned to hustling pool locally. In a dive bar, she meets Jordan “J.J.” Jamison, a young, scantily-clad, dyed-blond, pool hustler, who first flaunts her talent by challenging the locals to games of pool. [Reviewer’s note: Jordan’s physique may be real, but the money she was betting was most certainly not. It was labeled “toy money.”]
One by one, the lambs line up to play Jordan, only to get mesmerized by her cleavage and miss their shots. Eventually, Lizzie plays Jordan and schools her in the game of pool. After, Jordan attempts to befriend her, but is told by Lizzie she has “virgin pockets,” meaning she “has no idea how to play. Straight pool is pool. When you play 9-ball, that’s not a game.” [Reviewer’s note: they were playing 8-ball, not 9-ball.]
But, ultimately Lizzie is convinced they could make quite a hustling team (like Billie Jo Robbins and Nick Casey in The Baltimore Bullet). So, she takes on Jordan as a protégé and educates her in the art of hustling. [Reviewer’s note: for women, the art of hustling apparently includes repeated blowing on cue tips, stroking cue shafts, hiking up skirts to reveal lace garters, and of course, conspicuously removing money from inside one’s bra.]
As Lizzie says, “the best players in the world aren’t found on ESPN. They’re found in pool halls, in the worst parts of town. If you really know how to play this game, that’s where the real money is.” [Reviewer’s note: all the “hustling” takes place in the one town of Erie, Pennsylvania, with its population of 100,000, and not exactly the ghetto of America.]
Soon, they’re racking up big dollars, playing the real sharks in “games that no one talks about.” [Reviewer’s note: the most they ever win appears to be $500.] Sometimes, they even hustle on coin-operated tables (!!). But, their lucrative lifestyle falls apart when Jordan abandons her mentor to compete in the Erie Brewing Company 9-Ball International.
Ripping off of The Color of Money, Lizzie makes the decision to return to the tournament world, where she hopes to get Jordan’s best game. I dare not spoil the ending, but in the final teacher-student showdown, it was “never about the money, always about the game.”
Virgin Pockets was produced on a shoestring budget of about $3000, so expectations shouldn’t start too high. And, in fact, the story might have been bearable if other aspects of Virgin Pockets were entertaining. But, the acting is abysmal, the camera shakes constantly, and then there is the ungodly pool. I never thought I would say this about a billiards movie, but there is way too much pool in this movie. Every other scene consists of our leggy ladies making the same 5-6 shots (including one three-rail shot, which is unfortunately overused), while the incessant music plays in the foreground. It was like watching a bad music video…on repeat.
One minute into the movie, Lizzie asks the question, “Why am I here?” Trust me, if you sit down to watch Virgin Pockets, you’re going to be asking yourself that same question.
Virgin Pockets is available to order on DVD on Amazon. The full movie is also available to watch online on YouTube.
