Though it’s hard to trump the rivalry that exists between the White and Black Swan ballerinas in the 2010 Oscar-nominated film Black Swan, the face-off between the two ballet dancers in the 2003 short-film The Chalk Up presents a pretty compelling runner-up.
The Chalk Up takes us behind-the-scenes (literally) of a local charity event where a pair of coryphées spar over a game of snooker as they await their turn onstage. Directed by Frank Conway and written by his wife Jo Conway, the film masterfully uses its three minutes to capture the disdain and disgust each woman harbors toward the other, starting with the first snarled utterance, “Shit.”
As one of the ballerinas (Marian Quinn) stretches her leg across the snooker table, the other (Aisling O’Sullivan) taunts her about “throwing [her] legs akimbo for all the world to see,” a thinly veiled allusion to the first dancer’s side job as a stripper. Not missing a beat, the first dancer saucily retorts that her “wax takes care of any glimpses of runaway shrubbery,” then pretends to lick the cue stick with her tongue in an obvious simulation of fellatio.
The ballerinas begin a snooker game, though the camera wisely does not focus on the potting of the balls, but rather keeps the viewer glued to the dancers, practicing their pliés and relevés, and otherwise trading venomous barbs about “breast implants,” “visible knickers” and the “amount of axle grease you smear over yourself.” The caustic tête-à-tête only comes to a halt when both are summoned for their parts, leaving their game – and their differences – most unfinished.
The Chalk Up, which premiered in October 2003 at the Cork (Ireland) Film Festival, is ingenious in its simple yet highly effective use of a snooker match as a backdrop to the larger tug-of-war between the two women. It gives their cattiness a channel, which is intermittently punctuated by the loud crack of the cue smashing into the balls and the hushed voice of the musical announcer directing people to listen for their cues. An incredible amount is conveyed in an incredibly short amount of time.
The full three minutes of The Chalk Up is available to watch here.
In the cosmology of billiards film/television, there is an inherent yin and yang, meaning for every cinematic masterpiece such as The Hustler, there also exists a catastrophe like Virgin Pockets. The same holds true for billiards television. For masterworks such as “A Game of Pool” (from the Twilight Zone) or “Physical Education” (from Community) to truly shine, equivalent fiascoes must be produced to counterbalance and restore equilibrium. Such is the bottom-scraping role of Friday the 13th – “Wedding Bell Blues.”
Friday the 13th was an American-Canadian televised horror series that ran for three seasons from October 1987 to May, 1990. The series followed two antique hunters, Micki Foster (Louise Roby) and Ryan Dallion (John D. LeMay), who try to recover and safely store a variety of cursed antiques. In the case of “Wedding Bell Blues,” that antique is a hexed cue stick, which enables its user to play can’t-miss pool, so long as the stick’s power is periodically replenished via impaling someone and taking the person’s life.
Airing in May 1989 during the series’ second season, “Wedding Bell Blues” includes embarrassingly inaccurate pool sequences, a third-grade script, and robotic acting. The full episode is available to watch here. As an example, early in the episode, Danny, the unwitting owner of the cursed cue, is at the Silver Dollar Pool Hall playing an opponent, who is trouncing him in 8-ball, calling shot after shot…except, none of the pocketed balls actually match the called shots.
https://youtu.be/Ijq3visRMvs
The title, “Wedding Bell Blues,” refers to Danny’s girlfriend, the bridezilla Jennifer, who has convinced herself they will marry as soon as Danny wins the big pool tournament. She understands that feeding the stick (i.e., impaling pool hall patrons) is a necessary evil to keep his game sharp. As she says, “Long as I’ve known him, shooting pool is all he’s ever wanted to do.”
Her dirty little secret is that she is carrying Danny’s baby, so marriage is more important to her than anything. She doesn’t want the baby born out of wedlock. Thus, when her younger sister, Christy, played by the then-unknown actress Lolita Davidovich, says with cardboard conviction, “Why don’t you grow some brains and walk away from him?” she replies, with dramatic wallop, “Because I can’t.”
Clearly, my Friday the 13th bad luck came a couple of weeks late this year, as a more apt title for this time-sucking episode would have been “Billiards TV Blues.”
Within the sub-genre of reality shows focused on career professional activities, there are series about everyone from taxidermists (Immortalized) and life guards (Bondi Rescue) to repo men (Lizard Lick Towing) and pest controllers (Billy the Exterminator). It is not then farfetched to suggest there should be one on pool players. Throughout history, pool halls have been a mecca for characters with indelible names and colorful personalities who seem primed for the camera.
Case in point, consider the pool hustling era of the 1960s and 1970s. Imagine having documented 24/7 with fly-on-the-wall intimacy the hustles of Bernard “Bunny” Rogoff, the intimidation of “Sugar Shack” Johnny Novak, the hijinks of U.J. Puckett, or the hygiene of Omaha Fats? Add in the jarring, dumping, woofing, and jonesing, and you would have had reality gold.
In fact, billiards has been the focus of reality television episodes on numerous occasions. In the “Billiards for Gross Eats” episode of the reality show Fear Factor, contestants had to shoot pool to determine what inedibles (e.g., squid guts, putrid duck egg) they were required to eat. On the “Empty Pockets” episode of Bar Rescue, host Jon Tasker tried to save Zanzibar Billiards from collapse. On Pimp My Ride, rapper-host Xzibit helped transform a beat-up 1988 Chevy S10 into a mobile pool table on the episode “Sara’s Chevy S10.” And, of course, all the flagship reality shows (i.e., Big Brother, The Real World, The Bachelorette) that congregate hot twenty-somethings with raging hormones and grating personalities into a single house, naturally include pool tables on the premises, providing the perfect backdrop for late-night revelry and drunken competitions.
But, reality is always more complex, and for whatever reason, billiards has yet to fully infiltrate reality television. One reason may be that it’s “boring as piss [to watch],” as semi-pro pool player Andrew Cleary recently shared on a message forum about the topic. To date, the only billiards reality show that I would deem a success is Tor Lowry’s 14 Days – The Great Pool Experimentweb series, in which Mr. Lowry films himself providing two weeks of non-stop instruction to amateur players seeking to improve their game. The show works because of its earnest mission, though its viewership is tiny. Otherwise, the billiards-reality show convergence is littered with dead-end pilots and unfulfilled promises.
One of the first to surface was Diaries of Pool Hustlers, a reality show that Blair Thein and Jerry Tarantola began working on in 2007, if not earlier. The concept was for cameras to follow “professional players/hustlers through the grind of different states and cities, traveling on the Hustle Bus as they match up with worthy opponents, putting their names on the lines” and finally competing in the Ultimate Billiard/Poker Extreme Challenge. Unfortunately, these diaries wound up unread. The trailer is available here.
Another reality show still in limbo is the awesomely named, highly anticipated Pool, Poker and Pain. Since 2008, nine-baller, mixed martial artist, and entrepreneur Blair Thein has been promoting his ultimate reality show that would feature contestants battling each other at the pool table, the poker table, and in Mixed Martial Arts combat in the Circle of Truth. While there has been little news on the series since the announcement in late 2012 that Jay Adams (Deadliest Catch) had signed on as a producer, I’m crossing fingers and toes this show gets released one day.
In 2011, Andrew Cleary and Pool Wars author Jay Helfert miscued with their reality show concept High Stakes Pool(later renamed The Pool Hustlers). They shot a 105-minute pilot that featured billiards players Morro Paez, Rafael Martinez, and John “Mr. 400” Schmidt engaged in a high stakes $100-a-man Ten Ball ring game. The plan for future episodes was to increase the stakes to $500 per man, but the pilot was not picked up. The trailer is available here. The DVD of the pilot is sold on Mr. Helfert’s website.
More recently, there have been a slew of announcements about billiards reality shows. Some have already fizzled, others face a challenging road ahead, given the minimal commercial success of their predecessors.
One example is American Road Player (formerly American Hustlers), a new reality series announced in November 2014 that promised to “take you on a 2100 mile ride through 10 states, 40 pool halls and countless hours of pressure-packed shots on the way to the most lucrative week in high stakes, under-ground pool gambling: The Derby City Classic.” The show planned to feature a crew of hustlers, led by Fred “Scooter” Goodman, a 26-year-old father of two whose motto is, “Only bet on something that you KNOW you can win.” The show had strong production talent behind it, and ran the table when it announced that Keith McCready (Grady Seasons from The Color of Money), was joining the cast. But, a failed Indiegogo fundraising campaign generated just $2,485 of a $40,000 goal, effectively killing the concept.
A billiards reality show that may break from tradition and prove more successful is Kings of Cue. This past December, TruTV announced it was beefing up its original programming and ordered 10 episodes of the series from Pilgrim Studios, the producers of Street Outlaws and Fast N’ Loud, two popular cable shows. Kings of Cue will feature cutthroat pool players, such as Andrew Cleary, competing in New York billiards halls. The series is expected to air at the end of April.
In January 2015, Kelsher Entertainment announced it was recruiting “every day, local, pool players” for its Ultimate Pool Sharks Tournament in Atlanta, May 29-31. The tournament, however, will also be used to produce a reality TV pilot. According to their website, “some of the best and most interesting players can be found in neighborhood billiard halls.” Selected participants will be video recording during tournament play and at other times. Therefore, “colorful personalities and dress styles are as important as good billiard skills….and a little “smack talking and showboating is encouraged…this is REALITY TV!”
And finally, there is She Sharks, perhaps the most hyped and highly awaited of all the billiards reality shows. Yet another brainchild of Blair Thein, the show first started generating chatter in late 2013. According to the website, the series, produced by Axius Entertainment, will follow seven professional female pool players on a “10-week excursion across the country on the Hustle Bus looking for action in some of the most notorious “off circuit” pool halls sometimes found on the wrong side of town.” The septet of women include some the best –and hottest – women in the sport: BCA Hall of Famer Jeanette “The Black Widow” Lee, BCA Hall of Famer LoreeJon Hasson (nee Jones), Rachel Abbink, Akiko “The Leopard Queen” Kitayama, Kathryn Fairchild, Dawn Fox, and (just announced in January) MAXIM model Shanelle Loraine. The show is supposed to begin filming right around now, starting in Florida.
If history is any predictor of the future, these shows have a (very) tough road ahead. But, billiards has always struggled to find a viewership, so what else is new? Better to put down the Magic 8-Ball, sit back and keep your remote handy, and stick out a thumb, hoping, just hoping, you might hitch a ride on the Hustle Bus.
Early last week, a familiar debate raged within the AZ Billiards forum: Who is the greatest living cue maker? The question received 2,771 views and 59 responses in three days. Many names were suggested – Dennis Searing, Danny Tibbitts, Thomas Wayne, Ernie Gutierrez, Bill Schick, etc – though there was nothing close to consensus.
In December 2005, a variant of this same question was presented by the television series The Genuine Article in the episode “Puzzles and Pool Cues.” Their answer was Richard Black, the “finest craftsman of pool cues” who has dedicated his life to making “the most beautiful cue sticks in the world.”
The Genuine Article was a 30-minute television series that aired on the Fine Living Network from June 2004 through May 2007. Each episode featured British-born host Gordon Elliott taking an in-depth look at the quality behind two of the finest products and/or services in the world. Mr. Elliott would introduce these master craftsmen, who on different episodes included makers of everything from Turkish rugs and Venetian glass to belt buckles and barbecue grills, and then follow with his signature refrain that what they are creating is “nothing less than the genuine article.”
Richard Black
It is hardly a surprise that Mr. Black was the subject focus of “Puzzles and Pool Cues.“ (His name was also mentioned repeatedly in response to the aforementioned AZ Billiards Forum question.) A former successful stockbroker, Mr. Black began making cues as an avocation. But, starting in 1974, when he got to “express [himself] through artistic designs, it got to be so much fun…Once I found a canvas I could work on, it just flowed.”
For 40 years, he has treated cues as his “canvas” and drawn on sources as “eclectic” as Paul Gauguin, Pablo Picasso, Fabergé eggs, and Parker pens to inspire his craftsmanship and to win fans and accolades across the world. His cue, the Chantilly, earned a permanent home at the National Museum of American History of the Smithsonian Institution in 1998. His cue, the Rhapsody, was featured in the 1999 “Pool” episode of the Pretender television series. BCA Hall of Famer Steve “the Miz” Mizerak dedicated his Complete Book of Pool to Mr. Black, thanking him for “renewing [his] interest in pool.” And, not surprisingly, several years after the airing of The Genuine Article episode, he was inducted into the American Cuemaker’s Hall of Fame.
In “Puzzles and Pool Cues,” Mr. Elliott introduces Mr. Black by saying his custom cues can cost as much as $50,000 (though the traditional ones range from $1700-$5400). One cue described at length in the episode is the Antipodes, which is made from 16 different types of wood from 16 different countries around the world. Though it has 600 inlays, the cue stick took only three weeks to create. At $30,000, it is “moderately priced.”
Also included in “Puzzles and Pool Cues” are interviews with Victor Stein, author of The Billiard Encyclopedia, and Jack “Gentleman Jack” Colavita (who once starred alongside Minnesota Fats in the long-lost billiards movie The Player.) Mr. Colavita said, “Without no doubt in my mind, [Richard Black] is the best cue maker…I don’t play with no other cue than Richard Black…there is no doubt about it.” (Sadly, Mr. Colavita passed away in September 2005, three months before the “Puzzles and Pool Cues” episode actually aired.)
Though The Genuine Article long ago stopped broadcasting, Mr. Black, now in his seventies, continues to make a little less than 20 cues per year. His shop, Richard Black Custom Cues, is in Humble, Texas, and his cues are viewable on his website.
On a final note, this blog post could not have been written without the individual help of Mr. Black. There is only a handful of The Genuine Article episodes available on the web, and “Puzzles and Pool Cues” is not one of them. Most fortunately, Mr. Black responded to my last-ditch effort to obtain the episode by personally mailing me a copy of the DVD for my viewing pleasure. Mr. Black, you are indeed the genuine article.
Do you know what a tush-hog is? When you hear the name “Daddy Warbucks,” do you picture Hubert Cokes rather than the bald guy from Annie? If someone says to you he has “the nuts,” do you realize he’s not talking about salty snacks?
If you answered “no” to these questions, then watching The Road Scholars is like attending your third cousin’s 50th high school reunion and sipping rum punch while no one offers you even ten seconds of attention. However, if you answered “yes,” then you’re likely going to bask in your front row seat to 70 minutes of war stories delivered by some of the most famous and fabulous pool hustlers of the 1960s and 1970s.
Filmed in 2008 at the annual Derby City Classic by pool photographer and historian Diana Hoppe, The Road Scholarsoriginally consisted of eight hours of informal video interviews with 11 of the most well-known hustlers of the second half of the twentieth century. They were: Ronnie Allen, “Buffalo Danny” DiLiberto, Jimmy “The Philly Flash” Fusco, Freddy “The Beard” Bentivegna, Truman Hogue, Billy “Cardone” Incardona, Wade “Boom Boom” Crane, “Champagne” Eddie Kelly, Grady “The Professor” Mathews, “Hippie Jimmy” Reid, and Vernon Eliot. Ms. Hoppe then spent about two years editing the content down to 70 minutes for the DVD release in 2010.
For those expecting a movie or a documentary or anything even close to a narrated story, prepare to be broken. There’s nothing here for you. Without setup or introduction, except an opening slide that reads, “The finest professional pool players and hustlers known collectively as the Road Scholars,” Ms. Hoppe drops the viewer into a back room (at the Derby Classic), where a roundtable bull session is in progress and Mr. Incardona is holding center stage.
The sound production quality is average, the camera work rarely captures the whole 11-person posse on screen, and there is an absolute disregard from the attendees that this video recording may be watched by someone in the future. Yet, it’s this nonchalance, coupled with the obvious camaraderie among the men that produces such candid, honest, and ribald storytelling.
Some of the stories are more enjoyable (and easier to follow) than others. I loved hearing Mr. Incardona regale the group with his tale of Artie Bodendorfer playing one-handed pool in Vegas and outlasting all the other players so that he could break them down over a period of days. (In The “Encyclopedia” of Pool Hustlers, the Beard similarly describes Mr. Bodendorfer, saying he could “play for 2 or 3 days on coffee only…He would pee about once every 24 hours. Playing against him was so brutal that Artie had two people drop dead playing with him.”)
Mr. DiLeberto shares a great yarn about conning Pool Wars author Jay Helfert out of money with three-to-one odds by throwing a golf ball 130 yards. The Beard, ever the raconteur, recounts an incredible tale (that he also chronicles in The “Encyclopedia” of Pool Hustlers) of beating James “Texas Youngblood” Blunt out of $1600, only to have give the money back after Blunt’s stakehorse, Al Sherman, threatened the Beard with a 9mm automatic, thinking the Beard had gotten Blunt to dump the game, when in fact the Beard “beat him on the square.” The Beard also relates an inconceivable story about trying to dupe Archie “The Greek” Karras into thinking he was an eccentric billionaire. That clip is available to watch here.
Woofing aside, some of the best parts of The Road Scholars are the most intimate ones. For example, it’s a tender scene when the Professor inducts Mr. Kelly into the One Pocket Hall of Fame. After accepting the award gracefully, Mr. Kelly, who was the only attendee to have been inducted into the Billiard Congress Hall of Fame (2003), said that being “considered by many peers in the late ‘60s to be the best all around player…that meant more to me than all the trophies.” Or, when the Beard turns to Mr. Eliot and praises his character by saying how he let the Beard off the hook by not accepting his wager that he couldn’t make a particular trick shot. Of course, the single best line goes to the Professor, who offers to bring the roundtable to a close by offering “thanks to all the wonderful ladies and the great pool players. I’ve enjoyed all the matches and all the nights of love-making.”
Two of the attendees, Mr. Fusco and Mr. Reid, unfortunately do not receive on-camera time in the final 70 minutes. And, oddly, there is some unexpected footage at the very end of Larry Liscotti doing card tricks and of “Boston Shorty” Larry Johnson struggling to remember some of his accomplishments.
The Road Scholars is available to purchase on Amazon. She also just released this past November The Road Scholars 2: The Final Chapter, which includes never before seen footage of The Road Scholars, One Pocket Hall of Fame dinner, The Derby City Classic and The US Open.
For those (like myself) who did not grow up familiar with these legends of pool, I highly recommend also reading The Beard’s The “Encyclopedia” of Pool Hustlers. It provides backgrounds on all the attendees, includes many of the same stories shared on the DVD, and most important, brings the uninitiated into the wild world of pool hustling.
The Road Scholars ends with a slide indicating it is dedicated to “Vernon Eliot and all the players we lost.” It is a terribly sad irony that since the DVD’s release, the billiards world has now lost almost half of the original group of 11. We mourn not only the passing of Mr. Eliot, but also that of Mr. Allen, Mr. Bentivegna, Mr. Crane, and Mr. Mathews. Their stories need to be preserved and their impact on the sport needs to be told. Thank you Ms. Hoppe for helping to make that happen.
Lee Majors, the former Six Million Dollar Man, delivers a six cent performance in the mind-achingly awful “Eight Ball” episode of The Fall Guy. This 1983 episode from the second season offers a 45-minute checklist of everything that is wrong with the typical use and portrayal of billiards in the majority of television shows.
For those who missed this action/adventures series when it aired for five seasons on ABC from 1981 to 1986, The Fall Guy starred Majors as Colt Seavers, a Las Vegas stuntman who moonlights as a bounty hunter. He is regularly joined by his cousin and stuntman-in-training Howie Munson (Douglas Barr) and, for some ‘80s eye candy, stunt performer Jody Banks (Heather Thomas). In “Eight Ball,” Colt must protect his long-time friend, “Joltin” Joe O’Hara (Tony Curtis), a world-class pool player and recovering alcoholic, so that he can enter a tournament in Reno, Nevada. A local kingpin, who has a lot of money riding on the tournament, wants to make sure Joltin’ Joe does not compete. The full episode is available to watch here.
http://youtu.be/e1MTMRxUNpc
Now for the checklist. Here’s five things this episode gets so embarrassingly wrong it makes you want to scratch on the eight:
A wasted use of “Machine Gun Lou” Butera
“Machine Gun Lou” Butera, the great straight pool player known for his rocket-fast billiards skills, stars at “Machine Gun” Louie Kramer, the chief rival to Joltin’ Joe. But, rather than let Butera show off his pool chops , his one significantl scene features him making a distressed phone call to Joltin’ Joe’s wife. Butera should be there to shoot, not act. After all, he was inducted into the Billiards Congress of America three years later. (Fortunately, Butera was able to leverage his role by acting as a technical advisor and making brief appearances as a pool player in future movies, such as Racing with the Moon and Police Academy 6: City Under Siege.)
Tony Curtis, ever a gifted actor (Some Like It Hot; The Defiant Ones; Spartacus), is woefully unconvincing as a denim-clad pool shark who curiously keeps a pair of plumber gloves in his back pocket. Trying to show he’s a speedster, his actions, from chalking to shooting, come across as rushed and fake, with Curtis acting far too giddy, considering the relative simplicity of the shots he’s taking. It’s an unfortunate irony that Butera, once referred to as the “fastest pool player the game has ever known,”[1] gets little camera time to show his speed, while Curtis must fumble his way through fast-action billiards sequences.
Every billiards shot is a two ball, two pocket carom. These shots are so orchestrated that any verisimilitude a real pool game is completely abandoned. Even worse, there is no imagination behind these shots. They are the trick shots of Billiards 101, notwithstanding an onlooker’s comment that “This guy [Joe] makes the ball do everything but folk dance.” (In contrast, for a show that nails the billiards sequences, check out my post from last week on Murphy’s Law – “Manic Munday.”)
To earn some cash, Joltin’ Joe and Colt hustle some pool (of course!) in one of the least convincing scenes to occur in billiards television. The inert set-up is that Colt compliments a local pool-player, who says he is the “second-best in town.” Colt responds, “You’re the third best now. My pal [Joe] thinks he is the greatest.” When the local pool-player scoffs and insults Joe, Colt adds, “I wouldn’t let him hear you…he’ll want to play you. That’s how he got down to his last $20.” Cue the cash register.
Finally, there is the clichéd Minnesota Fats reference. In this case, a local sees Joltin’ Joe and says, “You played Minnesota Fats, you played all the greats. My father watched you win the world championship in Baltimore.” Yes, Fats was great and remains the sport’s most famous personality, but he was hardly the best. Now, if the line had been, “You played Willie Mosconi” or “You played “Wimpy” Lassiter,” then some real billiards history would have been documented.
Northern Ireland has produced a number of world-class snooker players, such as Karen Corr, Alex Higgins and Dennis Taylor. To that list, one should now add Mickey Munday, described by his manager “as a snooker player… an absolute genius, as a man…one of the biggest bastards I’ve ever met.”
In the first season “Manic Munday” episode (May, 2003) of Murphy’s Law, Detective Sergeant Tommy Murphy (James Nesbitt), a tough-talking Belfast cop now in London, is assigned to provide undercover protection to Munday (Adrien Dunbar), who is on tour to promote his self-titled autobiography, but is also on someone’s hit list. Murphy is pleased to “babysit,” given Munday is not only one of his hometown heroes, but also that Murphy will be joined by his attractive boss, Detective Inspector Annie Guthrie (Claudia Harrison).
Murphy’s Law was a BBC crime drama that ran for five seasons and starred James Nesbitt as a maverick cop with a troubled personal history and an unflappable charm that he directs toward any woman, especially his boss. In “Manic Munday,” the eponymous reigning champion but now a 45-year-old aging “warhorse,” is expected to play the heavily favored, rising heartthrob Johnny McEvoy (Jonjo O’Neill) in the upcoming Williams Championship in London.
Murphy learns early that someone is blackmailing Munday to fix the snooker match. But, when Munday resists dumping the game, his estranged daughter is kidnapped. Initially, it appears that the attacker is a local gang-lord, who grew up with Munday and has a long-term vendetta against him. But, the sudden arrival of the Belfast Police suggests that hooligan may just be a puppet for a more nefarious mastermind.
Other storylines, such as a love affair between Murphy’s ex-wife and Johnny McEvoy, and an attempted shakedown of McEvoy by some Irish thugs, slowly wend together as it is revealed [SPOILER ALERT!] that a sinister Irish terrorist organization is behind the scam, which not only requires Munday to throw games, but also McEvoy, lest the bettors detect a fix. Both players are eventually pressured into complying, throwing just enough shots to maintain a predetermined sequence and spread of frames. But, when Murphy foils the criminal plot (in a lights-out bloodbath of gunfire), the snooker match can resume and a true winner can be declared.
“Manic Munday” features 90 tightly-knit minutes of crime drama. The episode is well-paced and acted, with a solid soundtrack and crisp cinematography. Thanks to advisor Del Smith, a professional snooker player and WPBSA snooker coach, the billiards sequences are tense and realistic, successfully eschewing the standard over-reliance on trick shots, the announcers’ commentary are technical and appropriate, and the supporting elements, from the chalking of the cue to measuring of the spot for the black ball with the ball marker, are done with great attention to detail. (Smith also has a small role in the episode as Eric Law.)
The “Manic Munday” episode is available to purchase as part of the Murphy’s Law Series 1 DVD on Amazon.
Have you heard the one about the cheeseburger, the French fries, and the ketchup?
If you think that’s the start to a bad joke, just wait until you see the webisode that features this same trio of edibles in a starring role. You will see something not just bad, but downright atrocious.
In 2008, New Hampshire artists John Herman and Ryan Plaisted had the crackpot idea to launch a musical web series that anthropomorphized a cheeseburger, French fries, and a bottle of ketchup. Or, more precisely, they swapped the heads of two men and a woman with these three staples of our Fast Food Nation, and asked the three friends to otherwise go about their daily lives. The series was called Odd Noggin Land. It debuted on December 15, 2008…and lasted for just seven episodes. (Hey, the television show Lawless with the Boz lasted just one episode.)
The fourth episode of Odd Noggin Land, entitled “Pool Shark,” is 200 seconds of inanity, an online goulash of unenjoyable song lyrics, lame jokes, jackleg billiards, and overgrown vittles. The show begins with Cheeseburger losing a game of pool to Fries, who can now use the winnings to “get his mole removed.” Cheeseburger wants a rematch, but now cashless, he must bet his Chevette. Fries takes an early lead and it looks like Cheeseburger will be walking until the game is interrupted by Ketchup, who laments, “I can’t take [cheeseburger] anywhere without you playing pool and gambling.” Trying to save his sesame seed buns, she wagers her car against Fries’. She seizes the cue stick, and though her grip and stance are abominable, she runs the table. Cheeseburger rejoices by taunting, “Show me the money;” webisode watchers everywhere cringe as the pop-up speech bubble points out that this is the second Tom Cruise reference. (I think you can guess from what movie the first reference came.)
In their attempt to market Odd Noggin Land, the creators described it as what would happen “if Jim Henson and David Lynch had ever collaborated on a primetime sitcom.” Hah, right! And you thought Cheeseburger had a fat head.
As this is my 100th blog post, I think it is a time for a break. No, not a temporal break, though I’ve often considered an extended interlude, having written steadily since launching “8 Ball on the Silver Screen” in the summer of 2013. And no, not a billiards break, as that is a constant of many of the movies and episodes I review.
I mean a commercial break. After all, given many cinemas will now show upwards of 20 minutes of on-screen advertisements in advance of a feature presentation, taking a commercial break from a movie/television blog seems quite appropriate.
But, this is not just any commercial break. This is about advertisements featuring billiards, such as Chrysler’s 2014 two-minute Super Bowl ad which featured Bob Dylan casually playing pool in a bar. Billiards is like Forrest Gump, popping up in advertisements across all industries, from automotives to 1-900 sex lines. The complete list is beyond my research bandwidth, so instead, I’ve cherry-picked some of the best. Presenting the TOP 10 TELEVISION COMMERCIAL BREAKS FEATURING BILLIARDS. Let the countdown begin!
10. Kraft – Melke Chocolate. In this 2000 Norwegian “Billiards” commercial created by Leo Burnett, a man becomes a wee bit too interested in an otherwise leisurely game of pool. Crouching to observe a player’s stroke, he is accidentally knocked in the mouth by the cue butt. Howling in pain and losing a few teeth, the man is a natural target for Melke, the “soft porous chocolate that melts in your mouth.”
9. Wonderful Pistachios. According to the satirist and television personality Stephen Colbert, pistachios are a “delicious snack and a useful tool.” He then proceeds to use a single pistachio to chalk his cue stick, as he prepares to play billiards in this 2014 15-second commercial, created by the Fire Station agency as part of the “Get Crackin’ America” campaign. Apparently, Freedum the Eagle has other plans for the table.
http://youtu.be/7GPcMlC6n0k
8. McDonald’s Spicy Chicken McBites. This 2012 ad from DDB provided a four-part comparison between pool and Spicy Chicken McBites. Both require one to (1) start off right; (2) have flavor; (3) add a little something special; and (4) finally bring the heat. Not sure that analogy makes a ton of sense, but “I’m Lovin’ It” that the commercial includes some nice billiards camera work, sharp sound effects, and a four-rail finale.
http://youtu.be/xk0g2ojXB34
7. Budweiser. It happens every day. You’re playing pool against a sultry woman who nearly fellates her cue stick blowing the chalk dust off the tip. She takes her shot and wham-o…the object ball flies clear off the table, knocking you out on the head. What’s a woman to do? As this 1999 30-second commercial from DBB makes clear, waving “skunky beer” under your nose sure isn’t the answer; providing “brewery fresh Budweiser is.” (Note: Pool also had a starring role in Budwesier’s 30-second “Ginger or Mary Ann?” ad from 1993.)
6. NHL on Fox Sports. As if billiards hasn’t experienced enough difficulty trying to build an audience on TV, in 1990 Fox Sports went right for the sternum with their advertisement, “Billiards would be better if it were hockey” to promote their weekly NHL Saturday matches. This 15-second spot featured a player at the fictitious Diamond Hills 9-Ball Invitational getting thwacked with a cue stick by his opponent rushing in from the sideline. A similar parody was done on bowling.
5. Levi’s Jeans. The dungarees maker turned a few heads in this 1991 45-second commercialentitled “Pool Hall.” Using no words, but girded by The Clash’s anthem, “Should I Stay or Should I Go?,” the commercial focuses on a handsome man who is denied entrance to a pool hall unless he can pay up. Since the man has no money, the unctuous proprietor indicates that if the man loses, he must give up his blue jeans. Fortunately, the guy is a shark, and turning the tables on the proprietor, handily beats him and then demands his pants as appropriate payment.
4. Ketchup Baltimor Tomatnyi. Heinz may be the global ketchup leader, but in Russia 10 years ago, ketchup was still synonymous with the Russian Baltimor brand. In 2006, the French actor Gerard Depardieu starred in a one-minute commercial in which a buxom blonde challenges him to a game of billiards. If he wins, she’ll kiss him; if he loses, he has to eat his hat. She beats him badly, prompting the defeated Depardieu to request a bottle of Baltimor to make his hat tastier. When some squirts onto the woman’s shirt, the announcer says, “Ketchup Baltimor Tomatnyi: Makes Everything Edible.”
http://youtu.be/WzB04XX_xpI
3. Guinness Beer. Forget what you know about billiards evolving from the lawn games of 14th century France. In “Table,” a 45-second ad from Saatchi & Saatchi, the game was invented by “some blokes in a pub.” Originally a rather primitive pastime, the lads innovated by adding holes and pockets, and ultimately celebrated the “only way they knew how…by potting the black,” a reference both to snooker and to stout Guinness beer.
2. Aurora Skittle Pool. Don Adams, the secret agent from Get Smart (which included a billiards episode “Dead Spy Scrawls”), starred in this minute-long commercial from 1970. The ad features Adams playing “Wisconsin Skinny” (a tongue-and-cheek reference to pool legend Minnesota Fats) in a game of pool – specifically, Skittle Pool, a tabletop billiards game in which players use a pendulum-powered ball to sink shots. Adams, an experienced pool player in his own right, was a big promoter of the table sport, even appearing on the cover of the game box.
1. Miller Lite Beer. Among commercials featuring billiards, the archetype and leader-of-the-pack is this 1978 commercial featuring world pool champion Steve Mizerak. Arguing that one needs to stay fast and light on their feet when they shoot pool, the Miz explains that’s why he drinks Lite Beer from Miller. In the pitch-perfect ending, he explains further that “you can work up a real good thirst even when you’re just showing off,” as he makes an eye-popping five ball trick shot for a crowd of pleased onlookers.
So there’s my list of Top 10 Television Commercials Featuring Billiards. Maybe this list made you want to reach for a Miller, grab a handful of nuts, or get some drive-thru Spicy Chicken McBites. But, far more important, maybe this list made you want to reach for a cue stick and shoot some billiards. Now that’s a break worth taking.
There is not perfect agreement around the best way to learn to play pool. Some argue one needs just to pick up a cue and start practicing. Others counter that practicing without also reading some books or watching some videos or enlisting the aid of an instructor is time poorly spent.
But, there is probably consensus around what not to do, and that includes learning pool solely by studying its history or by watching its hustlers. These two competing methodologies are part of the humorous storyline of the “Car Pool” episode of Hiccups, a Canadian television series that aired for two seasons on CTV and The Comedy Network.
This August 2011 episode, viewable here, opens with Millie Upton (Nancy Robertson), a successful children’s book author with anger management issues (referred to as “hiccups,” hence the name of the series), shooting the “white asteroid [into] planet 5, [where] it’s heading for the black hole!” She asks herself, “Now, who will die next? Ah, stripey planet 13.”
When her on-screen nemesis, Lewis (Paul Herbert), comes over to mock her ability, she challenges him to a game of 8-ball, or what she refers to as, “Death Space 2000! First one to sink all the stripey or solid planets into the black holes wins, but you can’t kill the evil black planet till the last.”
Lewis beats her badly, prompting Millie to enlist the tutelage of one her co-workers, Taylor (David Ingram), who has “studied billiards for years,” playing everything from 9-ball to the awesomely named Manitoba hobo, as it’s “a good way to show off to chicks without lifting heavy stuff.”
The first bit of wisdom Taylor imparts is that “In billiards, like many other things in life, you’re only as good as your equipment. That’s why you need your own cue [but] you don’t pick the cue, the cue picks you. Like in Harry Potter.” Millie ends up picking an Athena, which she christens Delores, named after a friend who was “skinny as a stick, and bigger on one end.”
But, it becomes frustratingly clear to Millie that even armed with her cue Delores, it will be some time before she gets to use it, as she must first understand billiards’ origins, starting with the fall of the Eastern Roman empire.
Fed up with learning about the “history of chalk,” or that “Mary, Queen of Scots, was buried in her billiard table cover,” Millie stumbles upon a new instructor, Anna (Paula Rivera), who learned the sport at a young age when her father took her to a pool hall, handed her a cue, and said, “start swinging.”
Unfortunately, Anna proves no better than Taylor, as her style of instruction involves going to pool halls, duping local bikers by over-chalking her cue stick, and then bilking them of their money, while Millie observes her hustling techniques from the sideline.
Millie’s exasperation reaches its apex when the two coaches clash for the attention of their pupil. Begging them to stop, she says, “The only reason I wanted to learn pool was to have a little wholesome fun demoralizing and humiliating another human being, but so far, Delores hasn’t even touched one single ball, so you can take your history and your hustling and stuff-o! School’s out!”
The historian and the hustler ultimately reconcile and acknowledge their errant forms of instruction. But, by that time, Millie has picked up a few tips from her original opponent Lewis. In a fitting end to the episode, Millie and Lewis challenge the ex-instructors to a game, which Millie wins by “banking the asteroid off of the far edge of the galaxy and obliterating evil planet eight in the corner.”
Though there’s not a lot of pool shown in “Car Pool,” the Hiccups episode has one of the better and more original billiards storylines I have encountered. It is also one of precious few Canadian entries into the billiard television-movie universe, along with Three-Card Monte (1978), The Understudy: Graveyard Shift II (1988), Behind the Eight Ball (2010), the aquatic billiards “Pool Pool” spoof from Unreel Sports (2008), and the anticipated documentary Manitoba Sharks: We Came to Play.
[NOTE: A special thanks to my Canadian colleague, Bo Peng, whose questioning about Canadian billiard movies led me to review this episode.]
The Chalk Up takes us behind-the-scenes (literally) of a local charity event where a pair of coryphées spar over a game of snooker as they await their turn onstage. Directed by Frank Conway and written by his wife Jo Conway, the film masterfully uses its three minutes to capture the disdain and disgust each woman harbors toward the other, starting with the first snarled utterance, “Shit.”
The ballerinas begin a snooker game, though the camera wisely does not focus on the potting of the balls, but rather keeps the viewer glued to the dancers, practicing their pliés and relevés, and otherwise trading venomous barbs about “breast implants,” “visible knickers” and the “amount of axle grease you smear over yourself.” The caustic tête-à-tête only comes to a halt when both are summoned for their parts, leaving their game – and their differences – most unfinished.
