Tag Archives: billiards television

Top 10 Billiards Breaks

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As this is my 100th blog post, I think it is a time for a break.   No, not a temporal break, though I’ve often considered an extended interlude, having written steadily since launching “8 Ball on the Silver Screen” in the summer of 2013. And no, not a billiards break, as that is a constant of many of the movies and episodes I review.

I mean a commercial break. After all, given many cinemas will now show upwards of 20 minutes of on-screen advertisements in advance of a feature presentation, taking a commercial break from a movie/television blog seems quite appropriate.

billiards breaksBut, this is not just any commercial break. This is about advertisements featuring billiards, such as Chrysler’s 2014 two-minute Super Bowl ad which featured Bob Dylan casually playing pool in a bar. Billiards is like Forrest Gump, popping up in advertisements across all industries, from automotives to 1-900 sex lines. The complete list is beyond my research bandwidth, so instead, I’ve cherry-picked some of the best. Presenting the TOP 10 TELEVISION COMMERCIAL BREAKS FEATURING BILLIARDS. Let the countdown begin!

10. Kraft – Melke Chocolate. In this 2000 Norwegian “Billiards” commercial created by Leo Burnett, a man becomes a wee bit too interested in an otherwise leisurely game of pool. Crouching to observe a player’s stroke, he is accidentally knocked in the mouth by the cue butt. Howling in pain and losing a few teeth, the man is a natural target for Melke, the “soft porous chocolate that melts in your mouth.”

9. Wonderful Pistachios. According to the satirist and television personality Stephen Colbert, pistachios are a “delicious snack and a useful tool.” He then proceeds to use a single pistachio to chalk his cue stick, as he prepares to play billiards in this 2014 15-second commercial, created by the Fire Station agency as part of the “Get Crackin’ America” campaign. Apparently, Freedum the Eagle has other plans for the table.

http://youtu.be/7GPcMlC6n0k

8. McDonald’s Spicy Chicken McBites. This 2012 ad from DDB provided a four-part comparison between pool and Spicy Chicken McBites. Both require one to (1) start off right; (2) have flavor; (3) add a little something special; and (4) finally bring the heat. Not sure that analogy makes a ton of sense, but “I’m Lovin’ It” that the commercial includes some nice billiards camera work, sharp sound effects, and a four-rail finale.

http://youtu.be/xk0g2ojXB34

7. Budweiser. It happens every day. You’re playing pool against a sultry woman who nearly fellates her cue stick blowing the chalk dust off the tip. She takes her shot and wham-o…the object ball flies clear off the table, knocking you out on the head. What’s a woman to do? As this 1999 30-second commercial from DBB makes clear, waving “skunky beer” under your nose sure isn’t the answer; providing “brewery fresh Budweiser is.” (Note: Pool also had a starring role in Budwesier’s 30-second “Ginger or Mary Ann?” ad from 1993.)

6. NHL on Fox Sports. As if billiards hasn’t experienced enough difficulty trying to build an audience on TV, in 1990 Fox Sports went right for the sternum with their advertisement, “Billiards would be better if it were hockey” to promote their weekly NHL Saturday matches. This 15-second spot featured a player at the fictitious Diamond Hills 9-Ball Invitational getting thwacked with a cue stick by his opponent rushing in from the sideline. A similar parody was done on bowling.

5. Levi’s Jeans. The dungarees maker turned a few heads in this 1991 45-second commercial entitled “Pool Hall.” Using no words, but girded by The Clash’s anthem, “Should I Stay or Should I Go?,” the commercial focuses on a handsome man who is denied entrance to a pool hall unless he can pay up. Since the man has no money, the unctuous proprietor indicates that if the man loses, he must give up his blue jeans. Fortunately, the guy is a shark, and turning the tables on the proprietor, handily beats him and then demands his pants as appropriate payment.

4. Ketchup Baltimor Tomatnyi. Heinz may be the global ketchup leader, but in Russia 10 years ago, ketchup was still synonymous with the Russian Baltimor brand. In 2006, the French actor Gerard Depardieu starred in a one-minute commercial in which a buxom blonde challenges him to a game of billiards. If he wins, she’ll kiss him; if he loses, he has to eat his hat. She beats him badly, prompting the defeated Depardieu to request a bottle of Baltimor to make his hat tastier. When some squirts onto the woman’s shirt, the announcer says, “Ketchup Baltimor Tomatnyi: Makes Everything Edible.”

http://youtu.be/WzB04XX_xpI

3. Guinness Beer. Forget what you know about billiards evolving from the lawn games of 14th century France. In “Table,” a 45-second ad from Saatchi & Saatchi, the game was invented by “some blokes in a pub.” Originally a rather primitive pastime, the lads innovated by adding holes and pockets, and ultimately celebrated the “only way they knew how…by potting the black,” a reference both to snooker and to stout Guinness beer.

2. Aurora Skittle Pool. Don Adams, the secret agent from Get Smart (which included a billiards episode “Dead Spy Scrawls”), starred in this minute-long commercial from 1970. The ad features Adams playing “Wisconsin Skinny” (a tongue-and-cheek reference to pool legend Minnesota Fats) in a game of pool – specifically, Skittle Pool, a tabletop billiards game in which players use a pendulum-powered ball to sink shots. Adams, an experienced pool player in his own right, was a big promoter of the table sport, even appearing on the cover of the game box.

1. Miller Lite Beer. Among commercials featuring billiards, the archetype and leader-of-the-pack is this 1978 commercial featuring world pool champion Steve Mizerak. Arguing that one needs to stay fast and light on their feet when they shoot pool, the Miz explains that’s why he drinks Lite Beer from Miller. In the pitch-perfect ending, he explains further that “you can work up a real good thirst even when you’re just showing off,” as he makes an eye-popping five ball trick shot for a crowd of pleased onlookers.

So there’s my list of Top 10 Television Commercials Featuring Billiards. Maybe this list made you want to reach for a Miller, grab a handful of nuts, or get some drive-thru Spicy Chicken McBites. But, far more important, maybe this list made you want to reach for a cue stick and shoot some billiards. Now that’s a break worth taking.

 

Hiccups – “Car Pool”

There is not perfect agreement around the best way to learn to play pool. Some argue one needs just to pick up a cue and start practicing. Others counter that practicing without also reading some books or watching some videos or enlisting the aid of an instructor is time poorly spent.

Hiccups - Car PoolBut, there is probably consensus around what not to do, and that includes learning pool solely by studying its history or by watching its hustlers. These two competing methodologies are part of the humorous storyline of the “Car Pool” episode of Hiccups, a Canadian television series that aired for two seasons on CTV and The Comedy Network.

This August 2011 episode, viewable here, opens with Millie Upton (Nancy Robertson), a successful children’s book author with anger management issues (referred to as “hiccups,” hence the name of the series), shooting the “white asteroid [into] planet 5, [where] it’s heading for the black hole!” She asks herself, “Now, who will die next? Ah, stripey planet 13.”

When her on-screen nemesis, Lewis (Paul Herbert), comes over to mock her ability, she challenges him to a game of 8-ball, or what she refers to as, “Death Space 2000! First one to sink all the stripey or solid planets into the black holes wins, but you can’t kill the evil black planet till the last.”

Lewis beats her badly, prompting Millie to enlist the tutelage of one her co-workers, Taylor (David Ingram), who has “studied billiards for years,” playing everything from 9-ball to the awesomely named Manitoba hobo, as it’s “a good way to show off to chicks without lifting heavy stuff.”

Hiccups - Car PoolThe first bit of wisdom Taylor imparts is that “In billiards, like many other things in life, you’re only as good as your equipment. That’s why you need your own cue [but] you don’t pick the cue, the cue picks you. Like in Harry Potter.” Millie ends up picking an Athena, which she christens Delores, named after a friend who was “skinny as a stick, and bigger on one end.”

But, it becomes frustratingly clear to Millie that even armed with her cue Delores, it will be some time before she gets to use it, as she must first understand billiards’ origins, starting with the fall of the Eastern Roman empire.

Fed up with learning about the “history of chalk,” or that “Mary, Queen of Scots, was buried in her billiard table cover,” Millie stumbles upon a new instructor, Anna (Paula Rivera), who learned the sport at a young age when her father took her to a pool hall, handed her a cue, and said, “start swinging.”

Unfortunately, Anna proves no better than Taylor, as her style of instruction involves going to pool halls, duping local bikers by over-chalking her cue stick, and then bilking them of their money, while Millie observes her hustling techniques from the sideline.

Millie’s exasperation reaches its apex when the two coaches clash for the attention of their pupil. Begging them to stop, she says, “The only reason I wanted to learn pool was to have a little wholesome fun demoralizing and humiliating another human being, but so far, Delores hasn’t even touched one single ball, so you can take your history and your hustling and stuff-o! School’s out!”

HIccups - Car PoolThe historian and the hustler ultimately reconcile and acknowledge their errant forms of instruction. But, by that time, Millie has picked up a few tips from her original opponent Lewis. In a fitting end to the episode, Millie and Lewis challenge the ex-instructors to a game, which Millie wins by “banking the asteroid off of the far edge of the galaxy and obliterating evil planet eight in the corner.”

Though there’s not a lot of pool shown in “Car Pool,” the Hiccups episode has one of the better and more original billiards storylines I have encountered. It is also one of precious few Canadian entries into the billiard television-movie universe, along with Three-Card Monte (1978), The Understudy: Graveyard Shift II (1988), Behind the Eight Ball (2010), the aquatic billiards “Pool Pool” spoof from Unreel Sports (2008), and the anticipated documentary Manitoba Sharks: We Came to Play.

[NOTE: A special thanks to my Canadian colleague, Bo Peng, whose questioning about Canadian billiard movies led me to review this episode.]

[Wanted!] The New Odd Couple – “The Hustler”

Unlike film remakes, which occur constantly (Annie, Robocop, and Godzilla are shining examples just from 2014), television remakes are a far less frequent phenomena.[1] There have been a few notable examples over the last decade, such as Hawaii Five-O (1968, 2010), Charlie’s Angels (1976, 2011), and Knight Rider (1982, 2008), but otherwise, it’s a rare practice, as most TV remakes fare dismally compared to their pioneering predecessors.

New Odd CoupleCertainly, one shining example of this unfortunate trend is The New Odd Couple, which was a remake of the multiple, Emmy-nominated series The Odd Couple that ran from 1970 to 1975. The New Odd Couple ran on ABC from 1982-1983 and lasted just 16 episodes. The characters of Felix Unger, the prissy neat-freak, and Oscar Madison, the fun-loving slob, were reprised with an African-American cast, with Ron Glass replacing Tony Randall as Felix and Desmond Wilson replacing Jack Klugman as Oscar.

Of the 16 episodes, 8 were literally carbon copies of episodes from the original 1970s sitcom. That octet included The New Odd Couple – “The Hustler” (November, 1982) billiards episode, which recycled the script from The Odd Couple – “The Hustler” (February, 1973) billiards episode. Unfortunately, I have not been able to locate the newer version of “The Hustler,” or find out more information about it, so I beseech my readers: If you can help me locate this episode, please contact me directly.

It’s ill-fated the series did not find an audience in time, given its starring talent. Ron Glass was coming off eight successful seasons on the Emmy-winning sitcom Barney Miller. Demond Wilson had spent five incredible years playing Lamont, the younger half of the junkyard dealing duo on Sanford & Son. (Billiards enthusiasts take note: there is an enjoyable Sanford & Son episode, “A House is Not a Pool Room,” that is worth watching.) But, after starring in The New Odd Couple, neither Glass nor Wilson had a breakout role again.

1419362637805Interestingly, there is one other famous television remake that intersects with billiards: The Twilight Zone, a series that multiple producers have attempted to remake, with only limited success. Of course, the original series featured one of the best billiards television episodes of all time – “A Game of Pool.” That 1961 episode was remade in 1989 as “A Game of Pool” (identical except for the completely different and inferior ending) as part of the late-80s revival of the series. The series was then remade again in 2002, only to be cancelled after one season. (This time there was no recycling of the famous billiards episode.)

All of which supports the original observation: tread carefully with television remakes…even with billiards.

[1]       I am focusing only on the intra-US market and therefore excluding the common practice of remaking foreign TV shows for the US market (e.g., American Idol, All in the Family) or remaking US shows (e.g., The Golden Girls, Married…With Children) for a foreign market.

CSI – “Dead Rails”

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The John Doe had suffered blunt force trauma to the face and a stabbing in the neck before being buried alive.   The initial clues: a piece of green worsted wool, a copper and zinc alloy in the victim’s wounds, some traces of magnesium and silicon, a tiny shard of glass, and some skin from a coral snake not endemic to the region.   All just another day on the job for the Las Vegas criminalists in the recently-aired (December 14, 2014), fifteenth season billiards episode of CSI: Crime Scene Investigation – “Dead Rails,” available to watch here.

Dead Rails

Melanie Liburd as Natalie “The Hornet” Barrow

CSI is the second-longest running scripted, non-animated, US, primetime series on the air today. The weekly CBS drama, which features a team of Sin City criminal investigators who rely on forensic science to solve grizzly murders, has even spawned two successful spin-offs, CSI: Miami and CSI: New York. The elements of the hour-long show include mysterious clues; elaborate mixes of forensics, science, logic and deduction; a decent soundtrack; a panoply of Las Vegas denizens, from high-rollers to low-lives; frequent plot twists and red herrings; special guest appearances; goofy one-liners; and a remarkable, if not unbelievable, conclusion.

Dead Rails

Sharon Osborne as a pool tournament organizer

CSI – “Dead Rails” is no exception. The episode has everything from the aforementioned opening clues to the casting of media personality and reality star Sharon Osbourne as women’s billiard tournament organizer Elise Massey; from the impractically, scantily attired Melanie Liburd as Natalie “The Hornet” Barrow to a serpentine storyline that involves pool hustlers, shadow corporations, the mob, brothels, and a tinge of postmodern feminism. There are some inane leaps in logic, such as recognizing a shard of glass must be related to a billiards trick shot, and the ending is preposterous, even for CSI standards.

No matter. After 758 episodes, which have included everything from cannibalistic cheerleaders, furry fandom, and extreme bowling, to midnight jousting, sadomasochism, and Star Trek fetishism, the CSI franchise finally devoted an episode to billiards in “Dead Rails.”

Let’s return to the episode’s initial clues. While most viewers may have associated worsted wool with expensive suits, billiards aficionados know that (green) worsted wool is also top choice for super-smooth, super-fast American pool.  Magnesium and silicon are the components of talcum powder, which of course, is a staple for players to keep their hands dry. And, copper and zinc combine to make brass, which is used is in the head of some bridge sticks.

The other two clues are a little more esoteric, if not downright implausible. The snakeskin, as we later learn, comes from the grip of a pool cue. That’s not totally far-fetched, as snakes, lizards and even ostriches have been used to make pool grips, though presumably if the grip were “shedding,” it might be time to retire the cue stick.

Dead Rails

The famous champagne trick shot.

The shard of glass, which comes from a champagne flute, is the improbable clue that leads investigator Morgan Brody (Elizabeth Harnois) to make the billiards linkage. She exclaims she’s seen trick shot artists make a “champagne shot,” in which the object ball whizzes through a series of carefully planted champagne flutes without touching a single one. Then, when the trick shot artist nails the shot, “they like to take their stick and smash it through the champagne glasses in victory.” OK, I’ll buy this is a documented trick shot. (You can watch real-world master Florian “Venomn” Kohler perform it in this video at 2:21.) But, the idea the artist then sprays glass all over the table? That’s beyond absurd.

Dead Rails

Beau Runnigen makes a cameo.

The champagne flute coda notwithstanding, for the most part, the billiards references sprinkled throughout the episode show that the writers developed a familiarity with, if not a respect for, the history of billiards. There is mention of “pre-ban ivory cues,” the game of one-pocket, and the hustling technique of using one’s own cue ball. The episode’s name, “Dead Rails,” is an insider reference to a bumper intentionally deadened by a hustler to give a home-court advantage. Pool is also reverently equated with chess as a “silent game of war.” Much credit is likely due to Beau Runningen, a West Coast pool player, who worked as a technical advisor on “Dead Rails.” (He also makes a non-speaking cameo as the referee for a tournament match.)

Sure, there is the age-old controversy about whether to equate billiards and hustling in the popular imagination. (This is not a trivial issue given last season’s CSI had a US viewership of almost 12 million, according to Nielsen data.) But, the fact is that billiards and hustling do have an intertwined history. (If you need convincing, check out Freddy “The Beard” Bentivegna’s opus, The “Encyclopedia” of Pool Hustlers.)

Personally, I would gladly indulge public fantasy about the seedy side of pool if it translated into 12 million people getting more excited about the sport. When The Hustler was released in 1961, it was estimated that the billiards industry increased by 1000-200%.[1] Maybe CSI – “Dead Rails” could have a fraction of that impact. After all, Sharon Osborne’s character may be fictional, but her sentiment that “billiards popularity is waning” is very, very real.

[1]       “Will Hustler II Make Pool Cool”, Chicago Tribune, October 17, 1986

Fairy Tail – “Moulin Rouge”

Exploding eight balls. Multi-ball trick shots. Cats pitching cue balls. Girl-on-girl pool brawls. A young woman shooting billiards in a revealing bunny outfit. Yep, figured by now I had your attention.

Fairy TailWelcome to the imagination of Hiro Mashima, the creator and illustrator of Fairy Tail, a Japanese manga series that was subsequently adapted into an anime series beginning in 2009. The billiards snippets referenced above are from the episode “Moulin Rouge” (“Mūran Rūju”), released on October 11, 2014, toward the end of the series’ fifth season. The full episode is available to watch here.

Both in its original manga (Japanese comic book) and subsequent anime (Japanese animated art form) format, Fairy Tail is aimed at the shōnen demographic, which is a broad male audience, though the target age range is probably 12-18 years old. As such, the anime features strong male characters, attractive young women with gravity-defying proportions, tight-knit teams, and plenty of high-action battle sequences.

https://youtu.be/m3nQvPr-Tz4

Fairy Tail follows the adventures of the excessively curvaceous 17-year-old wizard, Lucy Heartfilia,[1] after she joins the Fairy Tail wizards’ guild and partners with Natsu Dragneel, who is searching for his missing foster father. Over time, the team expands to many wizards, including Erza Scarlet, an equally sexy, buxom wizard who is widely considered to be the most powerful female member of the guild.

The “Moulin Rouge” episode begins with two of the Fairy Tail Guild wizards, Gray Fullbuster and Juvia Lockser, returning from a job with a new pool table, courtesy of an appreciative client. Gray, showing off not only his chiseled physique but also his otherworldly pool prowess, proceeds to make a series of incredible shots, wowing his fellow wizards and causing Juvia to ask aloud whether he will “poke [her] with his cue stick next.”

Fairy TailNatsu, less familiar with the subtleties of pool, also picks up a cue stick, but confusing the game with baseball, starts smacking pool balls around the hall, causing considerable havoc and wizardly mischief. The hullabaloo wakes reigning ass-kicker and S-class swordsman Erza Scarlet, who recounts the tale of her first introduction to billiards.

The episode then flashes back to Erza some time ago walking into a pool hall. The hall’s gaggle of male patrons, unaware that Erza is a wizard, jape that pool may be “difficult for a woman.” Confronted with such derision, Erza makes a questionable costume change (though not questionable to the series’ pubescent viewers) into a revealing bunny costume that even Hugh Hefner might endorse. Then, picking up the cue stick and channeling her wizardly pool-playing power, she – literally – breaks the pool balls.

Fairy TailThe pool hall schlubs, unsure whether to ogle in her presence or duck for cover, start screaming willy-nilly only when they glance her Fairy Tail guild tattoo. Coincidentally, there is another female wizard that has been recently claiming membership to the guild and stealing from the local proprietors.

Outraged by the notion of a bandit masquerading as a guild member, Erza opts to shed the bunny for a hot waitress outfit and goes next door to the sweets shop to confront the green-haired, scantily-clad, uber-bodacious impersonator known as Mulan Rouge.[2] Unfazed by Erza’s cease-and-desist threats, Mulan naturally fights back by stealing Mulan’s panties (?!) and leaving the scene. Additional fighting ensues, including Erza punching Mulans’ head through the pool hall wall and deflecting Mulan’s bullets with her sword, while simultaneously pocketing billiards balls. Ultimately, Erza extracts a confession from Mulan that her real name is Bisca Mulan, a destitute immigrant who feigns a Fairy Tale guild affiliation in order to make ends meet and feed her sick friend (and mouse) Sonny, which hides in her cleavage.

Fairy TailFortunately, Erza takes pity on Mulan and extends an invitation for her to join the Fairy Tail guild if she’ll renounce her lawless ways. That’s when the flashback ends and we see Bisca, now with long green hair and perhaps even skimpier outfits, reunited with Erza and reminiscing about their first encounter, which leads to them once more playing pool.

As the popularity of anime increases, it will be interesting to see how it intersects with billiards. Until recently, the only “game” in town was Death Billiards, a 26-minute psycho-fantastic film from Madhouse Studios that released in March 2013. Then, one week after A-1 Pictures and Satelight aired the “Moulin Rouge” episode of Fairy Tail, A-1 Pictures aired a billiards episode of Magic Kaito 1412 entitled “Hustler vs Magician.” And on Halloween this year, Madhouse Studios set the Twitterverse aflame with the announcement that Death Billiards would become the basis for a new televised anime series called Death Parade in 2015.

[1]       Lucy’s presumed measurements are a 37-inch bust, 23-inch waist, and 36-inch hips. In comparison, Barbie’s measurements are probably a 36-inch bust, 18-inch waist, and 33-inch hips.

[2]      Mulan Rouge is not only a variation of the Baz Luhrmann Moulin Rouge musical with Nicole Kidman, but also the spiritual birthplace of the modern form of the can-can, a seductive dance originally introduced by courtesans.

 

My Living Doll – “Pool Shark”

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When asked how she ever learned to shoot pool so well, Rhoda Miller, the lifelike android played by the ever-sexy Julie Newmar, responds, “By computing the circumference of the spheres and the angles of trajectory plus the coordinates of the points of impact.” It’s a reasonable answer from a prototype robot built by the U.S. Air Force. It also establishes that Rhoda (aka AF 709) not only has the ability to learn new skills, but also that she will be able to play billiards nearly flawlessly (or, at least, until commanded to do otherwise by her caretaker, Dr. Bob McDonald, played by Bob Cummings).

My Living DollThe exchange described above is from the January, 1965, “Pool Shark” episode of the American science fiction sitcom My Living Doll, which aired for only 26 episodes on CBS. In the episode, Rhoda is recruited to hustle a wealthy pool shark in order to erase a debt indirectly owed by Dr. McDonald. Though Rhoda has never played pool, her ability to perfectly apply geometry and physics to the game enables her to shoot without error.

My Living DollThis is established by making a series of obligatory, but nonetheless eye-popping, trick shots, including the classic six ball “butterfly pool shot;” the famous two balls in the same pocket masse shot from The Hustler; a “railroad shot” (using the cue sticks as a railroad track); and a “paper bag shot,” in which the ball is hit with just enough momentum to enter a paper bag, flip it over, and exit the other side into the pocket. The full episode is available to watch on YouTube.

My Living DollMy Living Doll is hardly the only show to reduce billiards supremacy to physics and geometry, though it may have been the first. A quarter century later, the 1990 “Pool Hall Blues” episode of Quantum Leap enabled Dr. Sam Beckett to play masterful pool by relying on Al’s super-computer, which revealed the necessary angle for hitting every shot. Similarly, in the 1999 “Pool” episode of The Pretender, the prodigy Jarod becomes an ace billiards player through his “familiarity [with] the architectural theory of dynamic symmetry, as well as Descartes’ theory of coordinate geometry.”

What was, and remains, truly original about the “Pool Shark” episode of My Living Doll is embodying the geometry and physics aptitude inside a robot. Though it was pure science fiction in 1965, today, the notion of creating a robot that excels at pool, much the same way that IBM’s Deep Blue has become the definitive grandmaster of chess, has captured the imagination of scientists and inventors around the globe.

For starters, there is Deep Green, an industrial robot created by engineers at Queens University. The robot is “equipped with a cue and hung over a standard coin-op table. A digital camera reads the scene below and the robot’s computer brain compares it to 30 pre-stored images of an empty table, using the differences to decide where, and what color, the balls are. From there, the robot can nominate a ball and pocket and slide into action.”[1]

Then the robotic wizards of Willow Garage taught a Personal Robot 2 (PR2) to shoot pool. Created in response to a hackathon, the engineers spent one week teaching their robot hot to identify the pool table, locate a shot, and make it. They built it using their open source hardware platform and the ROS open source software library, which allowed them to adapt the existing FastFiz billiards software.[2]

My Living DollFinally, there is the Munchen Robot, created by scientists from the Technische Universität München in Germany. This dual-armed robot relies on a “camera mounted above the table and advanced physics engines to assess and detect the best way to approach a game of pool and execute the perfect [shot].”[3]

Though these robots all shoot an impressive game, none are indefectible, making them a futuristic far cry from the can’t-miss android Rhoda Miller. In fact, it is only when Dr. McDonald “forces” Rhoda to adjust her shot by two degrees, does she inevitably miss. Julie Newmar clearly appears to have had fun making some of the trick shots, but her slapstick sense of humor really shines when she misses and must “act angry,” resulting in myriad forms of cue stick destruction.

My Living DollThough the short-lived series was cancelled when it didn’t deliver the desired ratings, the show did yield Newmar her second Golden Globe nomination. Moreover and more important, with the abandonment of My Living Doll, Newmar was freed to assume the iconic role of Selina Kyle, aka Catwoman, in the 1966 Batman TV series, forever imprinting and arousing the minds of adolescents everywhere.

[1]       “Video: Pool-Playing Robot is Unbeatable,” Wired, 9/21/09

[2]       “Willow Garage teaches robot to play pool in one week,” SingularityHub, 6/16/10

[3]       “Billiard playing robot able to rack up eight balls with precision hustle,” Metro UK, 6/6/11

Fresh Prince of Bel-Air – “Banks Shot”

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Banks ShotThe late 1980s and early 1990s experienced a surge of black sitcoms. Two of the leaders in that category were Family Matters, which first aired in September 1989 and had 215 episodes over 11 seasons, and The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air, which first aired in September 1990 and had 148 episodes over six seasons. Family Matters, the more successful of the two, was the second-longest running black sitcom (behind The Jeffersons), though Fresh Prince arguably had a bigger impact on popular culture, as the vehicle behind the meteoric rise of its star, Will Smith.

A more practical exercise around comparing the two shows is in the genre of billiards TV, where each series made a contribution: the “Fast Eddie Winslow” episode of Family Matters (November, 1990) and the “Banks Shot” episode of Fresh Prince (February, 1991).

In “Fast Eddie Winslow,” the high-schooler Eddie fancies himself a pool shark after winning a series of games. But, when he agrees to raise the stakes to $25/game, he is quickly hustled, owing his opponent now $250. With violence imminent, Eddie’s father and grandmother show up in the nick of time, and erase the debt with a series of trick shots.

Banks Shot“Banks Shot” aired just four months later, and essentially recycled the storyline, albeit with a few positive twists. (It would not be the last reenactment of this billiards trope. The Steve Harvey Show episode “Pool Sharks Git Bit” copied it six years later.) In “Banks Shot,” high-schooler Will (Will Smith) ignores the admonitions of his Uncle Phil (James Avery) by taking the Mercedes Benz to a seedy pool hall. There, he makes some fast money by besting a few of the locals in eight-ball. (This includes making a shot through the legs, doing a no-look combination, as well as hitting a handful of can’t miss multi-ball shots, all while strutting to Snap!’s 1990 anthem, “The Power.”) But, like the impudent Eddie, Will’s cocksureness blinds himself to the true ability of his forthcoming opponent, Charlie Mack. Boasting “ain’t no thing like a chicken wing, my game is all that,” Will rapidly goes down $300. Suddenly realizing he’s been hustled (or a victim of “creative money management,” as his opponent says), Will must put up his uncle’s car as collateral until he can pay the debt.

In “Banks Shot,” it’s not the father-grandmother coming to the rescue, but rather Uncle Phil. This is an improvement over the “Fast Eddie Winslow” progenitor, since Uncle Phil does not disclose to Will his plan for getting back the money. In fact, he intentionally misleads Will, first by attempting to make a legal argument for restitution with the pool hall proprietor, and then by insisting that billiards “can’t be that difficult – I’ve seen it on TV,” and playing Charlie Mack in a $20/ball game of pool, which Uncle Phil subsequently loses.

Banks ShotNow further in debt, Charlie Mack successfully raises the stakes to $100/ball. [SPOILER ALERT!] It is at this moment that the hustler becomes the hustled, as Uncle Phil asks Geoffrey (his tag-along butler) for his cue stick Lucille, which Geoffrey promptly unsheathes from his pants leg. Armed with Lucille, the usually humorless Uncle Phil becomes a performer, swaggering around the table to the song “Soul Man,” and making consecutive trick shots, including a one-hander (while eating a sandwich), four-rail shots, and four-ball combinations. The pool hall patrons, including Will, can only watch in awe, as Uncle Phil wins back the debt, plus $600. Turns out Uncle Phil frequented a fair number of pool halls in his days, which is also why he tried to shelter his nephew from the dangerous elements that reside within. (“You think I’m trying to spoil your fun? I just want you to come home in one piece.”)

The episode may lack originality, and the moralistic ending is beyond heavy-handed, but it’s a hoot to watch the actor James Avery, who sadly died earlier this year, shed his patriarchal mien and assume the jaunty pool hustler persona.

“Banks Shot” is available to order online through Amazon.

Drake & Josh – “Pool Shark”

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Billiards movies and TV episodes are replete with shrewd, cunning hustlers: “Fast Eddie” Felson (The Hustler), Johnny Doyle (Poolhall Junkies), Nick Casey (The Baltimore Bullet), Kitty Montgomery (Dharma & Greg – “Do the Hustle”), even Mr. Ed (Mr. Ed – “Ed the Pool Player”).

But, the uninitiated, unknowing and unwilling hustler is a far less common trope within the genre. Until a couple of days ago, the only example that came to mind was Chow Siu-Ling, the naïve man-child played by Stephen Chow in the 1991 Hong Kong film Legend of the Dragon. In that movie, Siu-Ling is a snooker prodigy who his cousin Yan stake-horses (without Siu-Ling’s knowledge) to pay off Yan’s gambling debts. Once Siu-Ling catches wind of his cousin’s hustling plot, he becomes quickly traumatized and unable to play the sport.

Drake & Josh - Pool SharkSure enough, no inane plotline stays retired for long in the world of entertainment. Thirteen years after the release of Legend of the Dragon, the dewy-eyed, nescient hustler returns, this time in the form of the socially inept high-school student Josh Nichols. Played by Josh Peck, Nichols was one half of the titular duo in Drake & Josh, the Nickelodeon sitcom that ran for four seasons from 2004 to 2007. His conniving, but immature, stepbrother, Drake Parker (played by Drake Bell), was the other half.

Drake & Josh - Pool SharkIn the 2004, Season 2 “Pool Shark” episode of Drake & Josh, Drake learns that Josh is a pool powerhouse when he is forced to bring him on as a partner in a game of doubles. Josh’s secret: “It’s just basic geometry and physics.” Drake quickly hatches a plan to exploit Josh’s skills and hustle all the local denizens by first duping Josh to publicly throw a game to a “bunch of losers.” Once people start lining up to play, Drake encourages Josh to “show ‘em what he got,” but conceals from Josh he’s swindling the opponents at twenty dollars per game.  (For some reason, even after Josh makes a series of impressive caroms and multi-ball shots, no one wises up to the fact that they may be getting hustled.)

The plan predictably falls apart when Josh inadvertently learns that Drake has been “playing for profit,” rather than to “hang out and have fun.” Even when Drake tries to make amends by buying Josh a cue stick or tantalizing him with a rack of oranges, Josh refuses to resume playing, retorting, “Keep your citrus to yourself.” Josh, however, gets his revenge in the end when [SPOILER ALERT!] he enlists two former counselors to dress up as pool-playing roughnecks (?!) and threaten Drake into promising to disavow his hustling ways.

For a pretty lame billiards TV episode, there are a handful of impressive (but not overly showy) billiards shots. In an interview years later, the actor Josh Peck responding to a question about his pool ability by revealing, “I’m an awful pool player. I’m terrible at table sports – pool, table tennis. I’m pretty amazing at chess, but thank god for TV magic.”

Jan McWorter

Jan McWorter

That “TV magic” was, in fact, the handiwork of Jan McWorter, now best associated with McWorter Cues. She was the billiards consultant for the “Pool Shark” episode. McWorter’s story is an interesting one. First introduced to pool at the age of nine, she began playing competitive billiards in 1985 but quickly got tired of life on the road. Looking to change her life, she met Robin (Dodson) Bell, the world champion pool player and – yes!! – the mother of Drake Bell (from Drake & Josh). McWorter moved in with the Bell family in 1987 and became a born-again Christian. She subsequently returned to billiards two and a half years later, eventually becoming a top ranked WPBA player in 1993 and later becoming active in commercials, movies, television shows, and pool exhibitions.

This all begs the question whether it could have been Drake Bell making the pool shots in “Pool Shark” instead of Josh Peck. After all, there is a Drake Bell cue stick. And that’s no hustle.

The full “Pool Shark” episode of Drake & Josh is available to watch here.

Shotgun Slade – “The Pool Shark”

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The American Western television series Shotgun Slade came out in 1959, widely recognized as the peak year for television westerns, with 26 such shows airing during prime-time. While it only lasted two years, Shotgun Slade differentiated itself from the herd by having the show’s star, Scott Brady, portray a private detective (rather than a gunfighter or sheriff) who carried an intimidating (and unique on TV) customized shotgun that fired a 12-gauge shell out of its upper barrel and a 35-caliber bullet from its lower register. The series also featured a modern jazz score by Stanley Wilson instead of traditional Western-themed music.

Since Shotgun Slade went off the air in 1961, several home entertainment companies have tried to resurrect interest in the show.  Echo Bridge (formerly the Platinum Disc Corporation) released a total of 15 episodes in 2004.  Timeless Media followed in 2007 by releasing 10 episodes on DVD, almost all of them duplicative with the Echo Bridge series.  Finally Alpha Home Entertainment jumped on the bandwagon in 2009, releasing a 3-DVD series of 12 episodes, again almost repetitive.  

Yet, with all of these releases, not one included “The Pool Shark,” a February 1960 billiards episode from the first season of Shotgun Slade.  Fortunately, an avid reader of this blog shared with me his private recording of the episode. 

Lamentably, it’s a pretty unremarkable episode 🙁 . On his way home, Slade visits a local inn, where he is invited by Jim Dooley, a traveling shoe salesman, to play billiards. Dooley is a bit of a hustler, who’s known to have a few enemies. As Dooley is about to make a three ball run against Slade, he shoots the 8-ball, which explodes and kills him. The rest of the episode is dedicated to Slade trying to solve the mystery of Dooley’s murder.

Hardly memorable, “The Pool Shark” may, however, have been historic: to my knowledge, it is the first television Western episode to focus on billiards. But, it was not the last Western to highlight billiards on the TV screen or the silver screen.  

One year later, the television series The Rifleman featured a billiards episode called “Shattered Idol.” The stakes got significantly higher, and the billiards playing got far more innovative, in the 1967 “The Lady is My Wife” episode from Bob Hope Presents the Chrysler Theatre. In that episode, a gambler puts up his wife as the stake in a contest with a cowboy who wants to marry her. The contest is a pool game played on horseback inside the cowboy’s baronial mansion.

One year later, both the film Coogan’s Bluff featured cowboy Clint Eastwood in a well-known battle scene with cue sticks and billiard balls, and the Eli Wallach Western Ace High had cowboys playing billiards on horses.  Returning to television, the popular Western series Gunsmoke aired a 1974  billiards episode called “Cowtown Hustler.”  Several years later, James Caan showed his equestrian billiards skills in Another Man, Another Chance. Finally, in 1984, the Mexican film La Muerte cruzó el río Bravo reprised the horseback billiards concept as shown here (starting at 10:51).

Adventures of Ozzie and Harriet – “Pool Table”

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Billiards has always been about more than shooting balls into pockets. In television dramas, the pool hall is often the milieu, and the pool match a metaphor, for determining one’s future existence and ability to live (e.g., Quantum Leap – “Pool Hall Blues”; Twilight Zone – “A Game of Pool”; Monsters – “Pool Sharks”).

In billiards TV sitcoms, one’s life may not quite so much hang in the balance (this is comedy, after all), but the pool match nonetheless remains the arbiter of the future.   Just consider Ralph Kramden’s error in judgment when he upsets Harvey on the pool table (The Honeymooners – “The Bensonhurst Bomber”) or cadet Francis’ grudge match against Commandant Spangler (Malcolm in the Middle – “Waterpark”) or Oscar Madison’s desperate match to save the reputation of his roommate Felix Unger (The Honeymooners – “The Hustler”).

Billiards life was not always so complicated. Billiards matches were not always about losing your car (Dharma & Greg – “Do the Hustle”), or your money (Family Matters – “Fast Eddie Winslow”) or your job (Mr. Belvedere – “Tornado”).

Almost sixty years ago, the most complicated decision one faced when it came to billiards was where to put the pool table. At least, that’s the premise of the utterly domestic billiards TV episode “Pool Table” (November, 1956) from the fifth season of that quintessentially wholesome sitcom, The Adventures of Ozzie and Harriet.

ScreenClip2As many will recall, Ozzie and Harriet, which aired from 1952-1966, making it still the longest-running live action American sitcom in television history, focused on the daily living of the real-life Nelson family (Ozzie, Harriet, and their two sons, Ricky and David). The show’s plotlines focused on typical problems around dating, marriage, and careers.

In “Pool Table,” which you can watch here in its entirety, the original problem is not the pool table, but that Ricky has too much clutter in his room, so he doesn’t have space to complete his homework. Ozzie’s initial solution to buy the kids filing cabinets is shelved when he instead buys a pool table from the local department store. “They were all out of filing cabinets, so I got a pool table instead,” explains Ozzie.

http://youtu.be/fIOSKETzyBI

Harriet’s surprise turns to disapproval when Ozzie temporarily sets up the pool table in the family room. Ozzie’s retort, “What are we going to do with it? Well, isn’t that just like a woman,” doesn’t ameliorate the situation. Thus begins the pool table’s peregrination from the dining room to the kitchen to the garage to the outside yard. Everyone is temporarily happy when Ozzie’s neighbor, Thorny, volunteers to keep it his in rumpus room, but that plan is quickly reversed once Ozzie realizes his neighbor is not home enough to let him access it.

ScreenClipRunning out of rooms, Ozzie enlists the support of his kids to jerry-rig a pulley system and haul the pool table up three stories to locate it in the attic via the outdoor window. This solution seems to be perfect, until the weight of the pool table causes its legs to crash through the attic floor and into the kids’ bedroom.

But, this being 1956, and the benefit of household cleanliness far outweighing the morbid likelihood of the rest of the pool table falling from its perch and crushing the kids, the decision is made to use the space between the protruding pool legs as a makeshift shelf, thereby enabling the kids to remove their clutter…which solves the original problem! And, for added giggles, the kids can still play pool upstairs, just now on their knees. As I said, life was much simpler back then.