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Top 10 Baddies of Billiards Movies

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After writing my previous post about “my friend Harvey” from The Honeymooners episode “The Bensonhurst Bomber,” I started thinking further about the role intimidation plays in billiards.

Thorsten "The Hitman" Hohmann

Thorsten “The Hitman” Hohmann

Certainly, a number of prominent players today have assumed nicknames that are intended to psych out their opponent to some degree.  Consider:  Thorsten “The Hitman” Hohmann, Tony “Silent Assassin” Robles, Evgeny “Assassin” Stalev, Allison “Duchess of Doom” Fisher, Florian “Venom” Kohler, and of course, Jeanette “Black Widow” Lee, who would “eat people alive” when she got to the table.

But, in billiards movies and television, intimidation and fearmongering extends well beyond violent monikers.  On and off the table, the villains of billiards pop culture are known to do everything from bullyragging and browbeating to terrorizing and murdering.  It is in their honor then that I announce the TOP 10 BILLIARDS BADDIES OF ALL TIME (and sorry, but my friend Harvey did not make the cut).  Let the countdown begin:

Billiard Baddies10.  Third Eye Ryu.  In the 1972 pinky violence film Wandering Ginza Butterfly, the recently-paroled Nami must use her billiards skills to prevent the local yakuza from taking over a bar.  The fate of the bar lies in a game of three-cushion billiards that Nami must play against the yakuza’s junkie henchman, Third Eye Ryu.  Behind mirrored glasses, the stone-faced pool shark is a formidable opponent who exudes cold evil.

Billiard Baddies9.  Frosty (Richard Roundtree). The song “The Baron” is not the only memorable remainder of the 1984 made-for-TV movie The Baron and the Kid.  To that list, we should also add the formidable, impeccably dressed in white, Southern hustler Frosty, who doesn’t like to lose in pool. He proves particularly adept at intimidation when he removes his jacket, showing a holstered gun, and when he corrals his opponents with his posse of rednecks. Roundtree always was a “bad mother…”  I’ll shut my mouth.

Billiard Baddies8.  Caller (Neville Stevenson). If looks could kill, then Caller, the pierced, dreadlocked, bare-chested eight-ball opponent from the 2001 New Zealand film Stickmen, would be like walking genocide. Fortunately, his opponent Wayne is too blitzed out of his mind to notice and handily runs the table “drunken master” style on Caller before he can make a shot.

 

Billiard Baddies7.  Eddie Davies (J.W. Smith).  “Pool Hall Blues – September 4, 1954,” from the second season of Quantum Leap, is an insulting chapter of billiards television history.  But, as far as reprobates go, Eddie Davies, the local loan shark, is high on the list.  His scare tactics include sleazing all over the pool hall proprietor’s daughter, beating up an old man, and – far worse – directing his goon to snap in half the prized cue stick of Charlie “Black Magic” Walters.

Billiard Baddies6.  8-Ball (Jeff Hagees).  OK, I admit it, this villain has nothing to do with movies, but Marvel Comics’ misfit is too perfect not to include in this list.  From his profile: “8-Ball wielded a pool cue specially designed to magnify any force applied to it to more than a thousand-fold and transmit that force at anything it struck. He also carried a variety of pool balls for throwing, some designed to act as grenades. He traveled aboard a giant hovering pool ball.”

Billiard Baddies5.  Joe (Chazz Palminteri).  Though Joe doesn’t actually play pool in the 2002 film Poolhall Junkies, he is every bit hustler-gangster-thug, starting with the fact he ruins Johnny’s dream of playing pro billiards by throwing out the invitation.  But, that’s tiddlywinks compared to his later nefarious acts, including breaking Johnny’s finger, beating up Johnny’s brother, and trying to destroy Johnny’s reputation.  Bad-ass quote:  “Take that you motherless motherfu**ers.”

Billiard Baddies4.  Natasha (Rebecca Downs).  In the 1998 “Pool Sharks” episode of Monsters, we’re first introduced to Natasha as just another buxom, black-clad, pale-skinned vamp with a flirtatious mien and a tendency to be forward with men by sucking their bleeding finger wounds.  (And if you’ve seen From Dusk Till Dawn, you’re correctly thinking, “This can’t be good.”) Sure enough, in time, Natasha bears her fangs and the friendly game of 50-point straight pool turns into a death match.

Billiard Baddies3. “Cue Ball” Carl Bridges (Ving Rhames).  Ving Rhames trades in the “pliers and blowtorch” that made him famous in Pulp Fiction for a pimped out wardrobe, 8-ball cane, stogie and an appetite for chicken feet in the 2005 movie Shooting Gallery.  The plot may be ludicrous, but local gangster Cue Ball Carl not only manages a city-wide street team of pool hustlers, but also dabbles in guns, drug-running and violence.

Billiard Baddies2.  Joey (Kurt Hanover).  So sinister he’s almost cartoonish, Joey is the lying, cheating, back-stabbing, thieving, scoundrel of the 2012 film 9-Ball.   Responsible for the care of his niece Gail since her father died, Joey exploits her billiards talents to make money for himself.   When that starts to unravel, he threatens her to stop watching instructional pool videos (!!), and in time, steals from her and brutally beats her.  Oh, and if that weren’t enough he – [SPOILER ALERT!] –  also killed his brother (i.e. Gail’s father) in a fit of jealousy.

Billiard Baddies1.  Bert Gordon (George C. Scott).  Clearly, there are rogues on this list who have personally committed more heinous acts, but I still give the Billiards Brute top spot to Bert Gordon, the unscrupulous, vicious, milk-drinking, mastermind of the 1961 movie The Hustler.  Gordon never pulls the trigger, but he pulls all the strings, manipulating “Fast” Eddie, destroying his character and confidence (“Eddie, you’re a born loser”), and ultimately, causing his girlfriend Sarah to kill herself, even if it were Eddie and Bert who “really stuck the knife in her.”

So, there’s my list.  Was it unfair of me to omit Baisez, the macho billiards-playing vampire from The Understudy: Graveyard Shift 2?  Or, what about Topdog, the goon from Hard Knuckle who runs the pool hall where game losers must chop off their own fingers.  These were all tough choices.  Let me know the choices you would have made and share your comments.

The Honeymooners – “The Bensonhurst Bomber”

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The 2012 World Nine-Ball Champion Darren Appleton once said in an interview, “It’s important to try and intimidate your opponent…let him know who’s boss.”  A scan of billiards movies would confirm Appleton’s remark.   Consider the intimidating gaze of “Cue Ball” Carl Bridgers, as he sucks on chicken feet, in Shooting Gallery, or the menacing stare of Third Eye Ryu, the junkie three-cushion billiards player, from Wandering Ginza Butterfly.

But, for a particular bus driver named Ralph Kramden (Jackie Gleason), intimidation on the billiards table comes in the form of “my friend Harvey.”   That’s the premise of “The Bensonhurst Bomber,” one of the great billiards TV episodes of all time, from the classic sitcom The Honeymooners.   The entire episode can be viewed here.

In this 1956 episode, Kramden and his pal Ed Norton (Art Carney) begin to play pool on what seems to be an unoccupied billiards table.  The opening dialogue includes Norton calling one of the best and most hilarious combinations in billiards TV history:

“I will knock the 8 and the 15 ball into the corner pocket there, but before the 8 ball goes into the corner pocket, it will kiss off the 3 there, causing the 9 ball to drop into this here side pocket.  Before the 9 ball drops into that pocket, it will hit there, caro-o-o-m off the cushion there, come bouncing into these balls here, which will cause a chain reaction, making all of the balls go into the corner pockets, with the exception of the number 4 ball, which will end up there on my upper left in that corner.”

Honeymooners - Bensonhurst BomberThey’re then approached by a mousey, nasal-voiced man, who claims he was already using the table.  The corpulent Kramden, amused and annoyed, brushes off the man.  But, the man insists that unless he gets the table, he will get “[his] friend Harvey.”  This naturally produces ridicule, until the man returns with Harvey, who is a foot taller than Kramden and looks like he regularly spars with wild moose.  Kramden’s apologies get him nowhere, and Norton’s foot-in-mouth commentary leads to Harvey challenging Kramden to a “fight at Kelsey’s gym.”

The remainder of the episode occurs outside of the pool hall.  Kramden initially proposes that he flee town, but Norton reminds him that he’s committed to fighting Harvey.  Eventually, Norton concocts a scheme, which goes both horribly right and oh-so-wrong, to make Harvey think Kramden is, in fact, a dangerous fighter.

Honeymooners - Bensonhurst Bomber“The Bensonhurst Bomber” is great comedic television, but I was particularly mesmerized by the opening pool scene for two reasons.  First, watching the physicality of Art Carney as he lined up to take his shots reminded me so much of the billiards scene from 1934 film Six of a Kind in which W.C. Fields, as Honest John, prepares to play pool.  And, of course, second, watching Jackie Gleason, immaculately dressed and perfectly holding a cue stick in a scene that is a harbinger of his future role as Minnesota Fats in the 1961 billiards classic The Hustler.  It made me want to yell out, “Fat Man, you shoot a great game of pool.”

******

A special thank-you to my friend and relative-in-law Tom Osterman, who as soon as he learned about my blog, said to me, “You’ve watched that great Honeymooners billiards episode, right?”  Now I have, Tom.

The Odd Couple – “The Hustler”

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From the masterful Crimes & Misdemeanors to the mirthless Horrible Bosses, the movie trope of the over-pampered looking to the underworld to commit reprehensible acts on their behalf is a cinematic mainstay.  A variant of this narrative cliché is when highbrow culture survives only through its dependence on lowbrow culture.

Odd Couple - The HustlerSuch is the storyline behind “The Hustler,” (1973), an episode from the third season of the award-winning television series The Odd Couple.   In this billiards TV episode, Felix Unger (Tony Randall) is desperate to generate enough money to buy costumes for his opera group.   As the frou-frou members are unable to raise the funds on their own, Unger turns to his roommate, Oscar Madison (Jack Klugman), who is unencumbered by the same blue-blooded sensibilities, and thus far more capable of raising money through less desirable means, such as gambling and pool hustling.

After the underground casino plan backfires and puts Unger into greater debt, Madison agrees to raise the money through a 250-point match of straight pool with a local shark, Sure-Shot Wilson.  As Madison prepares for the match, the highbrow/lowbrow divide between the two roommates becomes farcically obvious.   Unger, whose “mother wouldn’t let him [go to a pool room],” thinks that “pool is the same as golf – you just put a ball in the hole,” learns that the billiards balls have “little numbers on them” and realizes that the game is “much harder that way” when you can’t put the ball anywhere on the table.

Odd Couple - HustlerThe next day, the two men return to the pool hall for Madison’s math against Sure-Shot, a corpulent, tousled man with a sonorous cough and a penchant for smoking while shooting.  With Madison in danger of losing, Unger engages a reluctant Sure-Shot in a conversation about his cough and the deadly effects of smoking four packs a day.  Sure-Shot becomes so distracted and concerned with his well-being that he opts not to take his next shot while holding his customary cigarette, and ends up missing, ceding the game and the winner’s pot to Madison.  Of course, the irony is not lost that it is Unger who, in effect, saves the game, which in turn, saves the opera club.

As far as the actual pool-playing goes, it’s pretty uninteresting, though Jack Klugman has a strong stance and seems very comfortable with a cue stick in his hand.  Perhaps that’s because twelve years earlier, he starred as Jesse Cardiff, a pool shark, in The Twilight Zone episode “A Game of Pool,” still probably the single best billiards television episode.  (In fact, Klugman was known to be a fan of billiards.  He even played pool with Three’s Company actress Suzanne Somers on the 1977 television special, Celebrity Challenge of the Sexes 2.)

Interestingly, “The Hustler” episode was remade when The Odd Couple was updated on ABC in 1982 as The New Odd Couple.   Desmond Wilson played the role of Oscar Madison.  This is another sign of billiards television continuity, as Wilson formerly played Lamont Sanford on the series Sanford & Son, which had its own billiards episodes, “A House is Not a Poolroom” (1973).

“The Hustler” episode of The Odd Couple is available to stream on Hulu.

 

Malcolm in the Middle – “Water Park”

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Malcolm in the Middle - billiards sitcomMost billiards sitcom episodes are pretty light on substance and pretty glib in their treatment of pool.   (Among the top offenders: Married With Children – “Cheese, Cues, and Blood.”)  “Water Park,” the final episode of the first season of Malcolm in the Middle, is no different.  Aired in May 2000, this episode pits Malcom’s older brother Francis (Christopher Masterson), a cadet at the Marlin Academy, against Commandant Spangler (Daniel von Bargen) in a game of eight-ball. Francis’ predicament is that if he beats the Commandant, his fellow cadets will “torture him with hours of educational programming on PBS,” but if he loses to the Commandant, he will be suspected of throwing the game and his fellow cadets will have all their privileges revoked by the Commandant.  Oh, what a conundrum indeed.

For those not familiar with Malcolm in the Middle, the highly popular, award-winning series aired on Fox from 2000 to 2006, the show primarily revolved around Malcolm (Frankie Muniz), the middle child in a dysfunctional, suburban family, though side stories also focused on his siblings.  Unlike other sitcoms of that time, the series allowed Malcolm to ‘break the fourth wall’ and talk directly to the audience, abandoned the use of a live audience, and used a lot of contemporary music (in place of any laugh tracks) to set mood.

To call the series original a decade later seems almost comical (something this episode was certainly not, but then again, I’m hardly the target demographic).  However, in getting back to the pool, this billiards sitcom episode does have a particularly original, albeit utterly nonsensical, resolution.  Francis and the Commandant opt to compete to see who can lose in eight-ball the most times in the most spectacular fashion.  (You read that correctly.)  Set to Beck’s contagious song “Mixed Bizness” from the same year, Francis and the Commandant battle it out with a series of trick shots (some real, some edited) to scratch on the 8-ball.  Overall, it’s a pretty enjoyable billiards sitcom scene, though it’s deplorable that no credit is given to the billiards technical advisor behind the scenes who is the real masse maestro.

The billiard sitcom episode “Water Park” is available to purchase as part of Season 1, though digital sleuths can find it one some bit torrent sites, as well.

Bar Rescue – “Empty Pockets”

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“This bar will never be profitable if we don’t monetize those pool tables,” bellows Jon Taffer, the star of the reality series Bar Rescue, as he bemoans the disastrous condition of Zanzibar, the Denver billiards bar he has been tasked with saving in the March 2013 episode “Empty Pockets.”  “Real billiards operations monetize their tables in a number of ways.  First, they charge you for every hour then they play.  Then they often put in a drink minimum.  [Zanzibar is] making no effort to monetize these pool tables.”

Empty PocketsLike all episodes of Bar Rescue, the Spike TV hit show that first aired in 2011, “Empty Pockets” adheres to the series’ well-tread, and highly engaging, formula.  A desperate bar owner (in this case, Ami, the proprietor of Zanzibar Billiards) fears his establishment is on the verge of closing.  He calls Bar Rescue, which results in Jon Taffer, a long-time food and beverage industry consultant, descending upon the bar and doing a combination of reconnaissance and surveillance, before introducing himself to the owner to boldly proclaim his findings.  Tempers flair, egos are stomped on, initial training ensues, and then the bar is put through a “stress test” to see how well the bar’s employees handle a busy night.

Empty PocketsIn the case of Zanzibar, the stress test is an unmitigated debacle, exposing multiple failure points, including a dictatorial owner, an overworked kitchen, an illegible system for taking orders, wasteful bartending, and an absence of help on the billiards floor, which has 10 Brunswick Gold Crown pool tables that occupy 50% of the bar’s square footage.  Taffer’s pronouncement:  “This place is a disaster.  And the owner is the biggest disaster of them all.”

But, since this is reality TV, all invective ultimately furthers the end goal.  Ami and Taffer put their outrage (and near physical blows) behind them, and start planning for the future, specifically, the three-day turnaround in which Zanzibar will be transformed, physically, culturally, and thematically (to give greater emphasis to the billiards).

One fundamental set of changes is to the menu.  To create a “lot of fun in the billiard room” and enable the kitchen to deliver food in 10 minutes or less, Taffer and his team create a “sticks (cues) and balls” menu, which includes BBQ glazed meatballs, Polish sausages on a stick, and “rack spuds.”

Another overhaul is behind the bar. Taffer and his team created a list of six special, billiard-themed cocktails.  The potables include The Break (1.5 oz vodka + 1 oz orange juice + 1 oz pineapple juice, topped with club soda), the Hustler (1.3 oz 90-proof vodka + 2 slices jalapeno + 2 slices cucumber + .75 oz lime juice + 1 oz simple syrup), as well as the 8 Ball, the Scratch, the Corner Pocket, and the Trick Shot.

Empty PocketsThe pool area is also reworked.  One of the tables is removed and replaced with a billiard counter so that the pool (formerly free) can be monetized, such as through the sale of the Billiards Special (4 beer well drafts + 2 appetizers + 1 hour of pool = $19.95).  The tables are re-felted and re-leveled (by Thin Air Billiards) and set up with detail lighting on the bottom (by LED Baseline Inc).  A final touch, and the grand reveal, is renaming Zanzibar as Solids & Stripes, a “Badass Billiards Bar,” that celebrates Ami’s love of America with his love of pool.

All these changes result in a glorious opening three days later, a motivated and recharged staff, happy patrons, lots of warm embraces, and a 50% increase in sales, including $1000 from just the billiards area.

Having never been to Zanzibar (either before or after the rescue), I was curious how the changes held up, as one criticism of Bar Rescue is that, in some cases, the results wane once the cameras stop rolling.

The most obvious post-rescue change is that the bar reverted back to its old name Zanzibar.  (Based on a Facebook thread on Zanzibar’s home page, it sounds like this reversal happened around the same time the episode aired.)  The second change, based on viewing the bar’s website and seeing it on Google Earth, is that it reverted back to “FREE POOL EVERYDAY!!”  and, apparently, added three additional Brunswick tables, bringing the total to 12.  The reviews on Yelp are pretty mixed, though most suggest a lot of the customer-facing changes didn’t stick. One “serious billiards and snooker player” recently described the pool hall atmosphere as “having plenty of space, [but] the [tables] by the wall have no space for the cue stick. This place feels like it can and has the potential to be a lot better, better decor, better quality, better atmosphere and slightly cleaner.”  That review was balanced by others that equate free pool with good pool.

If anyone has been to Zanzibar recently, please comment and share your thoughts.  I know I plan to shoot some billiards there the next time I’m in Denver.

The full episode of Bar Rescue – “Empty Pockets” is available to watch free on Spike TV.

“Break!” – Mission: Impossible

Trick shots are de riguer for billiards movies, ranging from the incredible (The Color of Money) to the preposterous (Equals Against Devils).  But, I thought I was one-and-done with techno-gadget guided shots when I watched the lamentable 1990 Quantum Leap episode “Pool Hall Blues,” in which Dr. Beckett becomes an overnight billiards ace through the use of Al’s Handheld, a super-computer that can show the precise angle to hit every shot.  Little did I realize that episode could trace its origins to the 1972 Mission: Impossible episode “Break!”

Mission: Impossible - Break!Like the Tom Cruise blockbusters of the same name, Mission: Impossible followed the exploits of a small team of secret agents (Impossible Missions Force) assigned to thwart dictators, evil organizations, and eventually crime lords.  The series aired on CBS from 1966-1973.  “Break!” was the opening episode of the series’ final seventh season.

In “Break!,” Jim Phelps (Peter Graves) must infiltrate a gambling ring to recover incriminating microfilm hidden in the wristwatch of a dead agent before the microfilm deteriorates.  The plan requires Phelps to pose as a pool hustler, win the attention and confidence of Press Allen (Robert Conrad), the crime syndicate’s number two man, and then convince him to unwittingly turn against his own boss.   The episode takes place in New Orleans, a frequent setting for billiards movies (see The Baltimore Bullet; Shooting Gallery; and the unfinished Ride the 9).

The plot has more holes than Mission: Impossible III, but that’s hardly the point.  The real kicker is how Phelps can overnight develop pool shark prowess.  That’s what tech wiz Barney (Greg Morris) enables in the form of an “inertial guidance system” hidden within a cue ball.   As Barney explains, “[It’s] the same kind that’s used to keep missiles on course. Our missile: one cue ball. The other balls will be radioactively marked so they’ll show up on the control screen.”  Then, from behind the curtain, Barney will help ‘guide’ the balls into the pockets.  As he explains to Phelps, “The computer guidance could only give you a 5% edge.  And deduct 5% from your opponent.  Of course if you weren’t a pretty fair pool shooter yourself, we wouldn’t have a chance.”

So, in other words:  swap out the real cue ball with the machine-guided cue ball, spread some radioactive lacquer on the remaining balls, mount your handy-dandy self-adhesive circuit board beneath the pool table (better not pick the wrong table), and cue Lalo Schifrin’s immortal theme song because, abracadabra, you’re performing 14-1 straight pool magic.

Mission: Impossible - Break!There is a lot of on-screen straight pool played in Break!  But, as any experienced player knows, most those shots are neither the result of Graves’ expert ability nor of any ‘inertial guidance system.’ Rather, they are a series of two- and three-ball frozen carom shots that dazzle on screen, but are actually far harder to miss than to make, once a billiards technical advisor has done the initial off-camera set-up.

Break! is enjoyable largely because it’s absurd.  After all, it’s one thing for Tom Cruise to repel down the side of the Burj Khalifa, the world’s largest building in the world, in Mission: Impossible – Ghost Protocol.  But, it’s quite another to achieve off-the-chart Earl Strickland ability levels through a radio-controlled cue ball.  Now that is absurd!

Mission: Impossible – “Break!” is available to rent or buy online as part of the Season 7 collection.

“Pool Sharks Git Bit” – The Steve Harvey Show

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Pool Sharks Get Bit“Pool Sharks Git Bit,” an episode of The Steve Harvey Show that aired in December 1996 during the sitcom’s first season, is for the most part, pretty dreadful billiards TV.  The storyline is that Romeo and Bullethead, two students at Booker T. Washington High School where ex-funk legend Steve Hightower (Steve Harvey) is now the music teacher and vice principal, try to earn some extra cash for Motown field trip by hustling pool.

Bullethead, who is known inside the East Side Billiard Club as the “Goofy White Boy Who Got Game,” believes “it’s not gambling if you can’t lose, and you saw me, I can’t lose.”  And with that predictable set-up, he of course loses, not only the game, but also the school’s field trip money. Fortunately, Steve Hightower, along with his friend Cedric Robinson (Cedric the Entertainer) is able to get back the money by ‘hustling the hustlers.’  Yawn.

Now, obvious story aside, there are three aspects of “Pool Sharks Get Bit” that not only save the episode but also make it somewhat enjoyable, or at least, memorable.

The first is the hustlers who beat Bullethead.  Breaking with stereotype, the hustlers are women, specifically two ladies named Raven and Jody.  Lured by their looks and fooled by their miscues, Bullethead attempts to take all their money, saying “I do not discriminate against race, religion, or fineness,” and ends up losing everything, including his bus pass.  But, I must still celebrate the incorporation of female hustlers, as Raven and Jody join a select pantheon that today includes Kailey (Turn the River), Sara and Karen (Stickmen), Mary Beth Phillips (The Baron and the Kid), Kelly Bundy (“Cheese, Cues and Blood” – Married with Children) and, of course, Jordan ‘J.J.’ Jamison (Virgin Pockets).

The second aspect is the use of the “African pool scam.”  In order for Steve Hightower and Cedric to get the cash back, they must hustle the hustlers.  Thus, they don African clothing, come into the bar sounding like an extra from Coming to America, and pretend to be naïve Rwandan tribesman who are big fans of billiards and the new pool movie Cool Hand Luke. (Snicker, snicker.)   The scene is footnote worthy because I have otherwise yet to find a billiards movie or TV episode from any country in Africa.

The final aspect is the on-screen billiards shooting, which is terribly edited, but otherwise features some pretty amazing trick shots by Steve Hightower (but not really).  Though the full episode is below, make sure to watch the clip from 19:51-20:19.  You’ll see a series of billiards beauties, including a jump shot that pockets two balls cross-corner, a powerful backspin shot that knocks two balls into the opposing side pockets, a great masse shot, and a six-in-one shot.

http://youtu.be/yBuiWEMNKvY

I later learned that this six-in-one is called the “Pool Shark Git Bit” shot, according to Chef Anton, the behind-the-scenes billiards maven who is the real artist making the trick shots in this billiards TV episode.  In fact, Anton, whose distinguished career includes becoming the first two-time United States Trick Shot Champion of Pool, has been a regular technical consultant for television stations, such as NBC, ABC, CBS, and Fox.

Well, at least we now know how the episode got its name.

Fear Factor – “Billiards for Gross Eats”

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Tomorrow, many of us will participate in the Thanksgiving Day holiday, filled with family, festivity, football, and of course, food.  Lots of food.  In fact, the average American will consume more than 4,500 calories and 229 grams of fat on Thanksgiving Day alone, according to the Caloric Control Council.  Thus, in the spirit of gluttonous gorging, it seems only appropriate to focus my billiards TV review on the “Billiards for Gross Eats” segment of NBC’s sports/stunt/dare reality show, Fear Factor.

Fear Factor - Billiards for Gross EatsTo the uninitiated or ill-informed, Fear Factor aired from 2001 to 2006 (and had a brief revival in 2011). The show pit contestants against each other in a series of three stunts for a grand prize, usually of $50,000.  The first stunt often tested the players physically. And the third stunt often resembled a scene from an action movie, such as traversing moving 18-wheelers or jumping a race car off a ramp.  But, it was the second stunt, which was meant to mentally challenge contestants, that became the stuff of television lore. For these stunts often involved ingesting vile animal parts (e.g., raw ostrich eggs, sheep eyeballs, horse rectum) or eating live animals (such as the favorite Madagascar hissing cockroach); interacting with animals (e.g., getting covered with snakes); or occasionally enduring physical pain (e.g., walking on broken glass, outlasting competitors in a tear gas chamber).

In the “Billiards for Gross Eats” segment, which aired in April 2002 as part of the Season 2 episode, “Twins: Sky Surfing/Billiards for Gross Eats/Container Ship,” teams of twins were asked to “play pool Fear Factor style.”  As producer Rick Brown explained, “we set up a four-ball diamond formation at one end of the table. Each ball had one of four custom-made Fear Factor patterns: a chili pepper, a squid, an ant, and an egg. The contestants were given a cueball and five shots to sink the four balls into the pockets. Any balls left on the table would represent the food they would have to eat.”

In actuality, those four Fear Factor patterns depicted a far worse gastronomic fate. The “chili pepper” was a Habanero pepper, the hottest known pepper at the time.  The “squid” was shikoara, a very salty Japanese dish of fermented squid guts.  The “egg” was putrid duck eggs, or what is commonly known in some Asian communities as 100-year-old eggs.  And the “ant” was just that…a vial full of live ants.  Producer Rick Brown referred to this as the “Combo Meal from Hell.”

Though I was unable to find the full segment online, an excerpt of “Billiards for Gross Eats” segment is below.  But, I remember seeing the episode when it first aired and thinking to myself, ‘Five shots to make four balls?  That’s pretty damn easy.’  Let’s just say for these contestants, billiards is probably not their God-given talent.

But, if the contestants sucked at pool, one person on the show most assuredly did not:  Fear Factor host Joe Rogan.  For as many readers well know, Rogan is not only a martial artist, stand-up comedian, actor, and UFC commentator, but also a billiards enthusiast and crackerjack pool player.  (Check out Rogan running a 9-ball rack in this YouTube clip.)  Rogan’s appreciation of pool has been well-documented, and he has been lauded for appearing at and/or commenting on tournaments, whether it was the Efren Reyes IPT 8-Ball Challenge in April 2009 or, more recently, CSI’s “Swanee 17” where Jayson Shaw played Dennis Orcollo in the Hot Seat Match.

In fact, just a few months ago, Rogan created a mini-buzz on the AZ Billiards Forum by responding to an online thread, saying “I’ve entertained several billiards ideas for TV shows [including one like the Late Show with Johnny Carson adding a pool table to the set and guests gather around the table and talk pool.]  The problem with that idea, is that most celebrities SUCK at pool. The numbers that can get out at all are pretty small.  I think there may be 6 celebrities all told that are capable of breaking and running a rack of 9 ball.  My favorite idea was one involving me traveling around to pool halls playing local shortstops and local pros in a sort of impromptu game show type scenario where I just show up and play the best guy/girl in the house.”

Given how much personality, passion and humor Rogan brings to everything he does, let me add myself to the choir and say, “Joe, if you can make any of these billiards television or internet series happen, I’ll be watching from the front row.”

Celebrity Billiards with Minnesota Fats

It’s been almost 18 years since his passing, and an incredible 45 years since his television show Celebrity Billiards with Minnesota Fats first aired.  But, watching the three episodes just released last month on DVD by VCI Entertainment, one instantly recalls his larger-than-life presence, both in his physical girth (at times as much as 300 pounds) and in his verbal swagger and elocution, to say nothing of his pool-playing bravado.

Celebrity BilliardsRunning for four seasons, from 1967-1971, Celebrity Billiards with Minnesota Fats was, quite literally, celebrities playing billiards (for charity) with Minnesota Fats.  Until VCI released the DVD, I had never seen a full episode, though partial clips existed online.  The low-budget set, even by late ‘60s standards, featured a single pool table surrounded by a horseshoe of audience members a few rows deep.  Each episode featured Minnesota Fats, the “world’s most accomplished billiards player” (or some variation of such hyperbole), playing a form of billiards against one of the popular comedians or actors of that era.  The celebrity was given an agreed-upon handicap, and if the celebrity won, s/he got $1000 (about $6700 in today’s dollars) toward the charity of her/his choice; if s/he lost, then $500. At the end of the game, which was shown in its entirety, “Mr. Fats” then demonstrated a series of trick shots, sometimes successfully, other times not. Most of these shots felt impromptu and intimate between him and his celebrity guest, and in all the episodes I watched, the credits rolled even as he was continuing to share shots.

Before delving into the three specific matches on the VCI DVD, it’s worth providing some context around this show, and its master impresario.  To start, in 1961, the movie The Hustler was released, which had two notable effects.  First, participation in billiards skyrocketed. “Sales of equipment soared. The number of pool halls doubled. Organized billiards boomed. Even television sports began to cover straight pool matches,” according to one Chicago Tribune article.

Bank Shot and Other Great RobberiesSecond, in introducing the world to the fictional Minnesota Fats (played by Jackie Gleason), it enabled Rudolf Wanderone Jr., a traveling pool hustler from New York City, to claim the name as his own, forever mixing fact and fiction.   And with the Minnesota Fats moniker, the former Wanderone, a decent but largely unknown billiards player, became a household name, parlaying his fame into every facet of media, from magazine articles (Sport Illustrated) to autobiographies (The Bank Shot, and Other Great Robberies) to instructional books (Minnesota Fats Plays Pool) to television (The Tonight Show Starring Johnny Carson) and later, even to movies (The Player).

Also, it had been more than a decade since Ten-Twenty, the last billiards game show.  And with the popularity of bowling shows, such as Jackpot Bowling, on the air, it was the perfect time to try the billiards game show format again, this time with its own superstar, who used to pass out stamped autographed trading cards proclaiming himself “the greatest pool player ever.” Pairing the portly propagandist with celebrities equally made sense, given the success of game shows prominently featuring celebrities, like Hollywood Squares, which debuted in 1966. On top of it all, pool had emerged at this time as the “number one sport in Hollywood, according to some news media.

In the four seasons of Celebrity Billiards with Minnesota Fats, a who’s-who of the era’s A-listers came on the show, including Zsa Zsa Gabor, Sid Caesar, Buddy Hackett, Bill Cosby, Mickey Rooney, and Phyllis Diller.  Apparently, in the show’s pilot episode, James “Maverick” Garner came on, allegedly a reputable pool hustler in his own right, and actually beat Fats, winning the $1000 charity prize.

The newly-released VCI DVD features three episodes from 1971.  In the first episode, Fats plays the comedian Groucho Mark (sans cigar) in 9-ball, giving him the break plus three subsequent shots.  Marx’s game is okay, but his one-liners, such as “It wouldn’t hurt you to practice once in a while,” are classic.  After Fats wins, he reveals to Marx a number of trick shots, though he misses a handful, prompting Marx to reply, “You want to apologize?”  Some of this episode is available to watch below on YouTube.

http://youtu.be/tZFqhx0Aymo

In the next episode, Fats plays the folk-singing comedians, the Smother Brothers, in a game of “Last Ball,” in which players take turns pocketing balls, but the winner is the one who sinks the last ball.  The Smother Brothers played as a team, effectively getting two turns for every one turn Fats got.  Though the games were presided over by commentator Tim Travers, it’s Fats who provides the real play-by-play, such as describing Dick Smothers’ narrow miss as a “good boy who got in some bad company.” Fats also showcases some beautiful trick shots, including a “kiss, bank, kiss three-cushion” shot.

In the final episode, Fats plays “Mr. Television” Milton Berle in a game of three-cushion billiards, in which Berle is given a three point head-start.  Berle admits to picking this lesser-known variation of billiards because he thought Fats lack of familiarity with the game would give Berle an advantage. This episode tends to lag, as both players struggle to earn points.  Though it is rather amusing when Fats attempts to explain the diamond system to Berle in what comes across as near-dizzying calculus.

The DVD with these three episodes is available to buy on Amazon.

“The Hustler” – The Brady Bunch

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In The Color of Money, “Fast” Eddie Felson, the original Hustler, says, “Money won is twice as sweet as money earned.”  Well, for Bobby Brady, youngest son of the famously surnamed TV sextet, it wasn’t money he won with his billiards skills, but 256 packs of chewing gum, a sweet feat that proves one’s never too young to successfully start hustling.  Since this is The Brady Bunch, a series that ran from 1969 to 1974, we can expect a healthy dosage of well-mannered high jinks, inoffensive banter, and squeaky-clean resolutions.  “The Hustler,” one of the last episodes to air in the final season of The Brady Bunch, does not disappoint.

Brady Bunch - The HustlerThis billiards television episode’s set-up is that Harry Matthews, the president of Mike Brady’s architectural firm, gives Mike an (unassembled!) pool table as a thank-you gift.  Bobby, who “always” plays pool at his friend’s house, demonstrates his prowess to his two older brothers, who dismiss his playing as dumb luck.  He later wagers he can beat them in nine-ball, with the loser having to shine the winner’s shoes for a whole month.  Of course, he wins, and soon he is playing all the time and retorting to his siblings, “Who cares about school?  I’m going to be the pool champ of the whole world.”

His constant play ultimately gets him into trouble with his dad, who gently reprimands him for staying up so late practicing when he has school work. But, he is redeemed when he is given a chance to play Mr. Matthews, who has come over for a dinner party.  Mr. Matthews, having beaten everyone else at the party and fancying himself a pool shark, agrees to play Bobby for a pack of chewing gum on every shot.  Bobby promptly thrashes Mr. Matthews, causing one of the other dinner guests to whisper to Mike, “If that was my son, I’d break his arm.”  Fortunately, this does not get Mike fired, but it (unfortunately) does somehow prove that the Brady household is no home for a pool table.  Well, at least Bobby won those 256 packs of chewing gum.

Brady Bunch - The HustlerThough “The Hustler” episode lacks any iconic one-liners such as, “Mom always said don’t play ball in the house” or “Pork chops and apple sauce,” it does have one of the more memorable and billiards television worthy dream sequences (shown below).  Dressed in a tuxedo and wearing a “Champ” sash across his chest, Bobby enters a symphony hall  with a single billiards table on stage to a standing ovation.  Taking his cue and chalk from his sister Cindy and cousin Oliver, he proceeds to make a series of multi-ball trick shots, including the well-known, six-ball “Butterfly” shot, before finishing with a shot made while blindfolded.  (Of course, Mike Lookinland, the actor who played Bobby, did not make these shots, and there is disturbingly no mention of a billiards technical advisor in the credits.)

The dream concludes with dollar bills raining onto Bobby like roses being thrown onstage at an opera, and Bobby repeating the phrase, “I’m rich, I’m rich.”  Now there’s an ironic ending…what’s the real dream here?  The fact that Bobby could make all these trick shots or the fact that someone could, in fact, get “rich” playing pool?

“The Hustler” billiards television episode of The Brady Bunch is available to watch in entirety on Paramount+.