Tag Archives: billiards movies

Family Matters – “Fast Eddie Winslow”

Family Matters - Fast Eddie WinslowIn billiards sitcoms (yet, ironically, not in billiards movies), the high-school student who thinks s/he can play pool only to subsequently get hustled has become a trope as stale as last week’s bread.   Consider:   Steve Harvey Show – “Pool Sharks Git Bit” (1996); Fresh Prince of Bel-Air – “Bank Shots” (1991).  But, it turns out this particular trope may have a relatively recent genesis, starting with the 1990 episode of Family Matters called “Fast Eddie Winslow.” 

Family Matters was a CBS sitcom about the Winslows, a middle-class African-American family living in Chicago.  Among the show’s claims-to-fame was that it featured one of the most annoying characters ever to appear in television – the nerdy, flood-pants and suspender-wearing, nasal-voiced neighbor Steve Urkel (Jaleel White).

In the second-season episode “Fast Eddie Winslow” (a reference, of course, to Paul Newman’s character Fast Eddie Felson in The Hustler), the oldest Winslow son Eddie (Darius McCrary) believes that he is a pool shark when he beats his friend Rodney in ten straight games.  Mistaking cockiness for ability, Eddie goes to the Corner Pocket, an adult pool hall, where he challenges a seemingly friendly and innocent Texan named Boyd Higgins to a game of eight-ball.  While he initially wins when the stakes are $5/game, he quickly loses ten games when the stakes are raised to $25/game.  Moreover, it turns out that with $250 now owed, Boyd is neither friendly nor Texan, but a local hustler, who frightens with menacing ultimatums, such as “When I play, it’s cash or carry.  Give me the cash or get carried out,” or “show up with the money tomorrow or stay home for a month and watch your body heal.”

Now, Eddie needs a savior, or at least someone to loan him the $250.  Initially, that savior appears to be Urkel, who after lecturing Eddie for getting “hustled, taken, fleeced, and conned,” not only loans him the money, but also steps in for Eddie, challenging Boyd to a one-game, double-or-nothing bet.   Turns out Urkel “plays a plethora of pool when [he has] time to [himself], which for some reason is quite often.”   Urkel then geeks out, pulling out tape measures, and proclaiming, “Pool is a game of angles.  One must cue at an angle to the object ball so that it travels in the same angle to the impact point.  An 82 degree angle intersected by a 42 degree vector, cue ball velocity, Jupiter in retrograde, Harvest Moon…”

(No one really know what Urkel is talking about, but then again, did anyone understand the similar pseudo-babble from the billiards scene in the 1990 movie Lambada when the main character pulled out a protractor and started waxing about the rectangular coordinate system while he shot pool?)

Family Matters - Fast Eddie WinslowUrkel’s rescue effort fails, however, when Boyd crushes his thick-rimmed glasses beneath his boot.  Fortunately, new saviors step in, this time in the form of Eddie’s father, Carl Winslow (Reginald VelJohnson) and his grandmother Estelle (Rosetta LeNoire).  Reliving his youth, Carl makes a shot on Eddie’s behalf, and then hands over the cue to Estelle, who sinks the eight-ball on a quadruple bank shot (of course!).

So, what’s the lesson here?  If you’re a dumb enough chump to get fleeced in billiards by a guy with a terrible fake accent, then there better be a bad-ass grandma in the family, otherwise you’re going to be staying home for a month and “watching your body heal.”

“Fast Eddie Winslow” is available to rent or purchase as part of Season 2 of Family Matters.

Boy Meets World – “City Slackers”

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City SlackersThis past Tuesday, Samuel L. Jackson paid tribute to the 1990s sitcom Boy Meets World by performing a slam poem on The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon.  Even if you’ve never seen the sitcom, it’s hysterical.  Watch the slam poem here.  Unfortunately, the actual sitcom was never this funny, at least not the billiards episode “City Slackers” (1996) from the third season.

For the uninitiated, Boy Meets World is the ABC sitcom kid brother to The Wonder Years.  That show, which ran from 1988-1993, starred Fred Savage navigating adolescence, high school tribulations, dating and love (to Winnie, played by future heartthrob Danica McKellar).  Boy Meets World ran from 1993-2000, with Cory (Ben Savage — literally Fred Savage’s younger brother) navigating adolescence, high school tribulations, dating and love (to Topanga, played by future heartthrob Danielle Fishel).

In “City Slackers,” most of the episode concerns Cory (Fred Savage) and his unsupervised weekend to trip to the mountains.  But, it’s the second story line, featuring Cory’s suave and popular brother Eric (Will Friedle) that is relevant to this blog.

Eric has the hots for Bianca (Julie Benz) who is known to only like jocks.  To woo her, he claims that his sport of choice is pool, in which he is a “grandmaster.”  His charade, however, hits a wrinkle, when he is challenged to play by a fellow high school student.  Bianca indicates that she would love to see that grandmaster play, cooing that “it would make [her] very happy.”

City SlackersThe use of pool to ‘charm/win the girl’ is a familiar trope in billiards movie and television (cf. Kiss Shot), so this is not inherently a bad set-up.  Unfortunately, it is badly executed.  Both Eric and his opponent are unable to make a single shot, causing onlookers to eventually clap (??) when the same game has hit the three-hour mark without any balls going in the pockets.

Bianca, of course, leaves, but Eric and his opponent continue to play pool.  It’s at that point the billiards table appears to become possessed, spitting balls out of pockets, causing balls to swerve impossibly, having balls sit on top of one another, and even, causing balls to explode.  This generates a couple raised eyebrows, and a more than generous amount of forced laughs.

City SlackersIn the episode’s final scene, after “15 straight hours of someone yet sinking a ball,” after all the high school patrons have abandoned the pool table, and even after Eric’s opponent has had to leave for choir practice, Eric has the table to himself.  He walks over and makes a variation (using 12 balls) of Robert Byrne’s famous 15-balls-in-one-shot trick shot.  It’s a great ending to the episode.  Too bad the rest of the episode wasn’t similarly enjoyable.

“City Slackers” is available to rent or own via various online channels.

Donald in Mathmagic Land

In October 1957, the Soviet Union kicked off the Space Race with the launch of Sputnik.  In the United States, instant humiliation was immediately followed by a wave of national panic, and then a wide range of federal initiatives, ranging from investments in defense to investments in science, technology, and mathematics education.

Donald in Mathmagic LandOne new piece of legislation, The National Defense Education Act, provided (among other things) a windfall for producers of educational films.  And according to historian Martin F. Norden, no company was better prepared to benefit from that windfall than Disney Studios, which had “already positioned itself as a significant educational force in the fields of education, science, nature and technology years before the Sputnik launch.”[1]  Less than two years later, Disney Studios, with support from the US government, released its 27-minute educational featurette Donald in Mathmagic Land.  This film, subsequently nominated for an Academy Award (Best Documentary – Short Subjects), was widely made available to schools and became one of the most popular educational films ever made.  It can be watched here.

As Walt Disney once explained, Donald in Mathmagic Land was created to “excite public interest in this very important subject [of mathematics].” The film features Donald Duck roaming a Wonderland-esque world of mathematics.  During his journey, in which he follows the voice of the faceless Spirit, he is told that he’ll find “mathematics in the darnedest places.”  This peregrination takes Donald from ancient Greece and a meeting with Pythagoras to the Notre Dame Cathedral, where he learns about the golden rectangle.

But, it is when the Spirit tells him that “practically all games are played on geometric areas,” that Donald sees the application of mathematics to baseball, basketball, hopscotch, and ultimately, to a game that involves “two perfect squares, three perfect spheres, and a lot of diamonds…in other words, billiards” — three-cushion billiards, to be precise. (The billiards sequence runs from 16:49 – 22:15 in the clip above.)

Though Donald initially believe billiards to be a game of luck, he learns quickly from the Spirit that it is a game of skill in which “you have to know all the angles…it’s a game that takes precise calculation.” As the Spirit talks, a real (as opposed to animated), unidentified billiards player makes one gorgeous three-cushion shot after another.  (The unidentified player, in fact, is Roman Yanez, the owner of a Los Angeles billiards hall in the 1950s and a periodic tournament player, who got 10th place in the 1964 U.S. National 3-Cushion Championship.)

The Spirit explains that the player is using “the diamond system as a mathematical guide.”  He then elaborates on the “simple” math used in which the player subtracts the “cue position” from the “natural angle for the hit” to determine the appropriate numbered diamond at which to aim.  It’s interesting to hear the Spirit attempt to simplify the diamond system, and wildly humorous to watch Donald Duck attempt to internalize it.

The particular version he is describing – the five-corner system – is far less common now, except perhaps in three-cushion billiards.  Ironically, the diamonds have become an ongoing source of debate.  Some world-class players don’t use the diamonds at all, some use them to check their instinct and some swear by the diamonds for special situations.  For example, WPBA professional (and star of the movie 9-Ball) Jennifer Baretta says, “For people who play three-cushion billiards these systems are absolutely essential, but they also apply on any table where the width (short rail) is half the length (long rail).”[2]

While Donald in Mathmagic Land may not have had a lasting impact on the adoption of the diamond system in billiards, it clearly has had a lasting impact on billiards players, many of whom remember it fondly from growing up.  There are an endless number of tender-hearted comments about the film online, but I particularly love the tribute below from John Sciatta’s blog:

The part that I loved, the part I looked forward to each year was when Donald would use math to explain three-cushion billiards. This part was brilliant. This part was fascinating. This part made total and absolute and perfect sense. I would watch this scene each year and be like, “Yes! You’re right, Donald! The diamond system…But then a strange phenomenon would happen; the movie would end, and with the diamond system dancing in your head, it would all start to get jumbled. And no matter HOW MANY times I watched it, I could never keep the diamond system straight. I felt like the guy from Memento… I rented it prior to going out and actually playing pool and it still didn’t stick. I swear, watching the DD in MM Land billiards scenes is like trying to solve one of the great mysteries of our day.

[1]       “A Journey Through the Wonderland of Mathematics: Donald in Mathmagic Land,” by Martin F. Norden.  Printed in Learning from Mickey, Donald, and Walt: Essays on Disneys’ Edutainment Films, ed. A. Bowdoin Van Riper.

[2]      http://www.pooldawg.com/article/pooldawg-library/diamonds-are-a-girl-s-best-friend

The Dukes of Hazzard – “A Little Game of Pool”

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Thank god for Daisy Duke.  Because without Daisy (Catherine Bach), there would be nothing eye-worthy or redeemable in “A Little Game of Pool,” a billiards episode from the fateful fifth season of the television series The Dukes of Hazzard.

little game of poolFor the ill-informed, The Dukes of Hazzard was about the Duke family, and in particular, Bo and Luke Duke, who raced around the unpaved roads of fictional Hazzard County, Georgia in their 1969 Dodge Charger stock car (the General Lee), jubilantly toying with and escaping from the county’s porcine commissioner Boss Hogg and his inept sheriff and deputies.  Much of every episode was devoted to the Dukes successfully jumping their car over every conceivable type of hazard and obstacle.  Hardly the best TV, the General Lee, along with Daisy Duke and her eponymous short shorts, have long become pop culture icons.

The fifth season (1982-1983), as Hazzard fans know too well, was the one when the original Good Ol’ Boys (Tom Wopat as Luke Duke and John Schneider as Bo Duke) had a contract dispute with CBS and left the set in protest.  The producers resolved the problem by hiring two lookalikes to literally take their place.  Enter cousin Coy Duke (Byron Cherry) and Vance Duke (Christopher Mayer) as the Bo and Luke Duke doppelgangers.  Cardboard cutouts, these Dukes (especially Coy) are painful to watch. It’s no wonder they were let go one season later.

little game of poolAll of which is to say “A Little Game of Pool” already was facing a bad break.  The rather illogical narrative focuses on Boss Hogg’s (Sorrell Booke) ill-begotten attempts first to buy, then to steal, and finally to win in a game of eight-ball, the General Lee, so that he can sell it to some “road pirates.”  When his efforts to buy and steal the car fail, Boss Hogg challenges Uncle Jesse (Denver Pyle) to a game of staked pool with “ridge runner rules.”  Uncle Jesse, fancying himself a local pool shark, considers Boss Hogg to be a “little warm-up” before the upcoming 37th Annual Tri-County Pool Championship and readily accepts the wager.

To the best of my knowledge, “ridge runner rules” is some Hazzard County malarkey that requires a spit-shake and allows the challenger to define the stakes.  Boss Hogg gleefully announces that he will bet his convertible against the Duke’s General Lee.  Apparently the rules also entitle a player to select someone to play in his place in the event he is physically unable.  So, feigning an arm injury, Boss Hogg reveals his sub-in to be Chickasaw Thins (great name!), a local pool hustler.

little game of pool

What? No cue ball?!

Like so many other billiards TV episodes (e.g., Quantum Leap – “Pool Hall Blues”),   “A Little Game of Pool” is absurdly bad when it comes to its billiards authenticity.  Never mind the common problems that rile pool enthusiasts, such as there’s no way Uncle Jesse ever played pool based on his stroke and grip, or overusing page-one  trick shots to prove Chickasaw Thins is a pool shark. The errors in “A Little Game of Pool” are far more egregious, such as sinking the eight-ball on the break and saying “that’s not bad for starters” or failing to use the cue ball and shooting directly at the five-ball.  Unfortunately, the title of this episode says it all.  It’s treated like a “little game” rather than a sport worthy of at least a smidgeon of on-screen accuracy.  Oh well, at least there’s Daisy Duke.

“A Little Game of Pool” is available to watch on Amazon Instant Video.

Pichitas (billiards documentary)

A beauty of billiards is that it has no singular, global definition.  Played around the world, the game has morphed and been shaped by local customs, cultures and personalities, assuming various rules and strategies and relying on different types of equipment, depending on where it’s played.  The sport encompasses everything from goriziana (Italy) to keglebillard (Denmark), from kaisa (Finland) to sinuca (Brazil), from yotsudama (Japan) to pyramid (Russia). The sport’s celebrities, too, span the globe, forming a transcontinental pantheon of billiards all-stars:  Efren Reyes (Philippines), Earl Strickland (US), Pankaj Advani (India), Thorsten Hohmann (Germany), Ronnie O’Sullivan (United Kingdom), Mika Immonen (Finland), and many more.

Pichitas - billiards documentary

R.A. “Jake” Dyer

One country, however, that receives little mention is Costa Rica. Perhaps, that is a grave oversight.  Certainly, that is the conclusion of R.A. “Jake” Dyer, the preeminent pool author (The Hustler & The Champ; Hustler Days), historian, blogger, and former documentary filmmaker.  Back in 1991 or 1992, Dyer returned to Costa Rica, where had lived for three years shooting pool among “some of the country’s greatest players” to make a movie about Luis “Pichitas” Calderon, the “best hustler, the best pool player in the world.”  Shot on Super-8 film in black-and-white and running about 23 minutes, Pichitas: A Costa Rican Pool Documentary is Dyer’s personal quest to find and film the legendary Pichitas, a billiards player of near mythic status.  The full film is available to watch on Vimeo here.

The documentary features Dyer as director, interviewer, and Spanish translator, intimately talking with the denizens of “Center Pool,” a (now-closed) pool hall in the market district of San Jose that had 50 billiards tables and was reputedly a frequent destination for Pichitas.

Pichitas - billiards documentaryInterspersed between the interviews is footage of this “wonderful cast of characters, some of whom were vaguely disreputable,” with the popular Cumbia tune “Juana La Cubana” by Fito Olivares playing in the background. Dyer also packs into this billiards documentary some sociological history, comparing the role pool halls played in the lives of turn-of-the-century heterosexual American bachelors to the role they play for men in Costa Rica today.  “Most the men are married, but you wouldn’t know it from their behavior.  They are here literally all day…they are not unlike the lifelong bachelors that one time thrived in the US.” [1]

Of course, the great irony of the documentary is that Dyer set out to “look for Pichitas and make a movie about him because he is legendary. That’s what this movie is about, that’s what we’re going to do.” But as the film progresses, Dyer is unable to locate Pichitas.   One starts to wonder if he is like the Yeti of Nepal, el fantasma de Costa Rica.  Even Dyer expresses doubts (or at least frustration), saying, “They’ve told me Pichitas is here, Pichitas is there…I have no idea, I can’t find him anywhere.”

For fans of documentaries like Searching for Sugar Man, there is an expectation that the denouement will result in the big reveal.  But, it never happens, at least not for the audience.  The movie technically ends with Dyer running off camera to pursue a possible sighting.  But, in the epilogue, Dyer returns, triumphantly announcing that he did finally meet Pichitas, though the moment is not captured on film.  As Dyer subsequently explains, “We saw Pichitas.  He was everything we promised.  He was the best hustler, the best pool player in the world. He was a great guy…but we ran out of film, sorry, that’s the breaks…maybe next time.”

“Sorry, that’s the breaks?!”  It is arguably the cruelest of endings, a final vanishing act, a punch line at the audience’s expense.  Or, maybe it’s the perfect capstone to this supernatural quest.  If one goes online today, the only mention of Luis “Calderon” Pichitas is by Dyer. There are no other stories, no images, no artifacts.

In a December 2009 blog post, Dyer wrote that Pichitas was like a “trickster figure,” a legend shared through oral tradition.  He added:

I also recognized in each case messages about the “culture” of the pool room, in that they would communicate lessons about such matters as gambling etiquette, attach value to certain sorts of figures and heap ridicule on others, and define the language common to members of the “tribe”.

So, who was Pichitas? Where is he now? Does he exist?  I don’t know the answers to any of these questions.  I only know my passion for pool just got a little stronger watching the wonderful documentary Pichitas.

 

[1]       Dyer draws on the work of Ned Polsky from his book Hustlers, Beats and Others.

Dharma & Greg – “Do the Hustle”

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In the 1984 made-for-TV movie The Baron and the Kid, Johnny Cash (“The Baron”) teams up with his son (“The Cajun Kid”) to shoot billiards on the road.  The fourth-season, 2001 “Do the Hustle” episode of Dharma & Greg reprises the two-generation, family billiards theme, this time by pairing Dharma (Jenna Elfman) with her blueblood mother-in-law Kitty (Susan Sullivan) and teaching her to hustle. The full episode is here.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2Vi6nEYh68c

It’s an awkward set-up, but Dharma & Greg was always a rather odd sitcom. Airing from 1997 to 2002, the show racked up six Emmy nominations and eight Golden Globe nominations.  It centered on the offbeat marriage between Dharma, the free-spirited, yet sarcastic, yoga instructor, and Greg (Thomas Gibson), the upright, aim-to-please lawyer.  Parents and in-laws feature prominently in the show, providing some of the comic extremes, much the way the Byrnes and Fochers do in Meet the Parents and its sequel.

Like many of the earlier seasons’ episodes, “Do the Hustle” taps into the inherent tension between Dharma and her mother-in-law.  When Dharma’s mockery of Kitty’s plan to take the family to a “tulip festival” falls flat, she offers to make a deal.  The two women shall play a game of eight-ball, and the winner decides whether to go to the festival.  Kitty proceeds to beat Dharma, who had no idea her mother-in-law could shoot “like Minnesota Fats.”

Do the HustleOn the way to the tulip festival, Dharma convinces Kitty to a rematch.  Once in the bar, redolent with the smell of curly fries, Kitty starts to enjoy playing pool and begins to cast off her aristocratic mien.  Dharma, finally having found a connection with her mother-in-law, instructs her in the art of hustling (“let me explain something to you Kit Kat”).  After quickly making some money, Kitty, feeling energized, says, “Hell, with the tulip festival, find me another pigeon.”

But, blinded by her hubris and refusing to call it a night (“Who dares to challenge the Queen of Pool?”), she ends up playing “Sweet Lou” who she doesn’t realize has hustled her.  When she is unable to write him a check (“Guys named Sweet Lou don’t take checks.”), Kitty loses her car as the payback.

Overall, it’s a pretty unmemorable billiards TV episode, though it appears Susan Sullivan had fun making her bank shot and behind-the-back shot.   Still, in a genre that is prone to typecasting women as only playing pool for noble purposes (see my blog post “Battle of the Sexes in Billiards”), it’s at least refreshing to know there are a couple of women whose sole purpose in playing billiards is to “do the hustle.”

Kiss Shot (and Oscar)

As I watched the 86th Academy Awards on Monday, I kept thinking what it must have been like when The Color of Money was nominated for four awards, including Paul Newman winning the Best Actor award, in 1987.  Just imagine seeing those billiards clips shown on the big screen at the Dorothy Chandler Pavilion and being broadcast to 39 million viewers simultaneously.

Billiards movie

Paul Newman accepts the Best Actor Oscar for “The Color of Money”

But, in general, Oscar has not been kind to billiards movies.  More pointedly, most billiards movies have not come close to Oscar’s standards.   Aside from The Color of Money, the only other obvious exception is The Hustler, which received nine Oscar nominations in 1962, including wins for Art-Set Direction and for Cinematography.

That’s not to say, however, that billiards movies have not starred Oscar nominees and winners, past and future alike.  For example, Forest Whitaker played the hustler Amos in The Color of Money – 20 years before he earned his Oscar for The Last King of Scotland.  And Tom Cruise has racked up three Oscar nominations (Born on the 4th of July, 1989; Jerry Maguire, 1996; and Magnolia, 1999) since playing Vince in The Color of Money. The 2002 film Poolhall Junkies featured two past Oscar winners:  Christopher Walken (The Deer Hunter, 1978) and Rod Steiger (In the Heat of the Night, 1968).  The Baltimore Bullet, a should-have-been-better 1980 billiards film, features a trinity of Oscar notables, including past Oscar nominee Omar Sharif (Lawrence of Arabia, 1962), past Oscar winner Ronee Blakley (Nashville, 1975), and future Oscar winner James Coburn (Affliction, 1997). The little-known 2007 billiards film Turn the River has an Oscar nominee, Rip Torn (Cross Creek, 2003), in a supporting role.

It’s not just actors.  Six-time Oscar-nominated director Peter Weir (Dead Poets Society; The Truman Show; etc) started his film career making shorts, including The Billiard Room in 1972.  And the prolific, legendary director Martin Scorsese, who was the genius behind The Color of Money, followed that film with eight Oscar nominations, including a 2007 Best Director win for The Departed.

Kiss Shot billiards movieYet, for true Oscar ubiquity, all of these celebrities live in the shadow of Whoopi Goldberg, an omnipresent Oscar persona if there ever was one.  Ms. Goldberg was nominated for a Best Actress Oscar for The Color Purple (1985).  She won the Supporting Actress award for her role in Ghost (1990).  Of course, she hosted the Academy Award ceremony four times (1994, 1996, 1999, and 2002). She even introduced the 75th tribute to The Wizard of Oz in this past Monday’s awards ceremony, while flaunting her red ruby slippers.

This is why it’s fascinating to then consider that Ms. Goldberg also starred in the 1989, made-for-television billiards flop Kiss Shot.  She is the perfect proof that (a) starring in a billiards movie doesn’t permanently taint one’s Oscar reputation; and (b) mixing that Oscar mojo with a piss-poor movie doesn’t exactly make for cinematic greatness.  (Just ask Robert DeNiro, right?)

Kiss Shot billiards movieKiss Shot stars Ms. Goldberg as Sarah Collins, a witty, warm-hearted, single parent who is trying to keep a roof over the head, and the braces on the mouth, of her 13-year-old daughter.  When she loses her job at Dunsley Electronics, she must figure out how to raise $3000 in four months or the bank will take her house and put her on the street.  Unable to raise the money through personal connections, she decides to raise the money through pool (9-ball, specifically).  In making this decision, Sarah Collins joins a long list of female protagonists in billiards movies who hustle for noble intentions, unlike their male counterparts, who hustle largely out of greed and ego.  (See my earlier post “Battle of the Sexes in Billiards Movies” for more on this theory.)

Initially, she is staked by her friend Billy, manager of Mr. B’s Billiards.  (Interestingly, Billy is played by Teddy Wilson, who one year later appeared in Quantum Leap in the horrible billiards episode “Pool Hall Blues.”)   So she may raise money faster, Billy pairs her with professional stakehorse Max Fleischer (Hill Street Blues Golden Globe winner Dennis Franz).

This plan seems to work well initially, as she moves from one stereotypical pool hall to the next, first playing the “hard hats, beer and beef jerky crowd,” then a country-and-western crowd, then a group of bikers (who might have been extras from either The Warriors or a Village People video), then some punk rockers, and finally, the black patrons of a jazz bar. But, the plan ultimately unravels when she meets billiards playboy Kevin Merrick.  (Interestingly, Kevin is played by Dorian Harewood, who not only shot pool on the short-lived billiards game show Ballbreakers, but also played the role of Eightball in Stanley Kubrick’s Full Metal Jacket.)

Kiss ShotAt this point, turn on the late-80s synthesizers and pour on the Velveeta, for Kiss Shot becomes annoyingly hokey, more concerned with an emerging love triangle than the billiards triangle.  Fast forward.  Eventually, Sarah loses her hard-won earnings, forcing her to enter the Golden Gate Open 9-Ball Championship with the winner-takes-all $10,000 prize.  We’re treated to a lot of pool playing during these scenes, but the kiss shots with the 9-ball sitting on the lip of the pocket get old quickly.  Though Ms. Goldberg is not shown making most her shots, there were two incredible exceptions – a masse shot and a jump shot – that suggested her coach had elicited some real billiards talent from her.  (Credit goes to BCA Master Instructor Jerry Briesath, who was the movie’s technical advisor.)

The ending is so predictable…that director Jerry London chose not even to show it.  One minute, she’s battling Kevin in the final 9-ball match, and the next minute, she’s showering the bank with rolls of money as she reclaims the loan on her house.

Dennis Franz delivers a great line in the movie when he tells Sarah not to pull back in a match: “You got this guy in the toilet, and then you let him crawl out.”  The same almost happened with Ms. Goldberg in Kiss Shot.  This movie could have put her career in the toilet. Fortunately for all of us, she crawled out.

Kiss Shot is widely available to rent or buy online.

All in the Family – “Archie is Cursed”

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On September 20, 1973, the “Battle of the Sexes” tennis match occurred between Bobby Riggs and Billie Jean King.  The next day’s headlines summarized what an estimated 90 million people had watched first-hand on television.  “Mrs. King Defeats Riggs 6-4, 6-3, 6-3 Amid a Circus Atmosphere,” wrote The New York Times.  “Ms. King Puts Mr. Riggs in his Place,” said The Washington Post.  “Libber Billie Bombs Lobber Bobby,” chided the Springfield Union.

Archie is CursedBut amidst this chorus, one familiar voice had a very different perspective on the match.  “Tennis? That’s not even a man’s sport,” gripes Archie Bunker (Carroll O’Connor) on the All in the Family episode “Archie is Cursed.”  It’s a version of a familiar rant from everyone’s favorite sitcom bigot. In this case, Archie’s point is that “women are not important in sports” and they certainly should “not be messing around with men’s sports because a man can beat a woman any old time.” Quizzed about the women who won gold medals at the Olympics, Archie rejoins, “I see those dames on TV.  They look like a bunch of lumpy men.”

In response to this blather, Archie’s liberal next-door neighbor Irene (Betty Garrett) confronts him, asking what sports he plays.  When Archie mentions pool, Irene jumps at the opening:

Irene:  “Do you think you could beat a woman?”

Archie: “With one eye closed, one hand tied behind my back, and a bad case of the flu.”

Irene: “OK, I challenge you.”

Archie: “You’re crazy, Irene.  A gentlemen don’t play pool with no woman.”

Irene: “I got $10 that says I can beat you.”

Archie:  “You’re on!”

Archie’s confidence (“I got a pigeon I’m going to pluck for 10 bucks”), however, is quickly shaken as he learns Irene has played a lot of pool, and won her own “carrying case with a private pool cue” from the Hudson Billiard Academy. Confronted with the likely humiliation of losing to Irene, Archie feigns a bad back and blames Irene’s husband for cursing him with it. But, his ruse falls apart when his neighbor threatens to broadcast that Archie is a coward who is “afraid to play a woman” in pool.

Archie is CursedIn the only billiards actually shown in the episode, Archie attempts to brush up his game, but is humorously unable to make the most basic strokes.  In the end, after Irene’s husband tricks Archie into revealing his back is fine,  Archie plays Irene in pool (though the game is not shown) and of course loses.  As added insult, Archie’s dingbat wife Edith (Jean Stapleton) tries to cheer him up, saying she’s glad his back is better, as she heard Irene “straightened him out.”

Comedy aside, “Archie is Cursed” is powerful television watching in the way it tackles women’s liberation and female athletics, topics that were controversial when the episode aired in December 1973, just three months after the “Battle of the Sexes” and only 18 months after the passage of Title IX, which outlawed discrimination in sports based on gender.  Interestingly, it would take another eight years before the Billiards Congress of America elected its first woman, Dorothy Wise, into its Hall of Fame.

The complete “Archie is Cursed” episode of All in the Family is available to watch on YouTube below.

https://youtu.be/TLOAyRzfxQ8

 

Red Shoe Diaries – “Double or Nothing”

Pool Nude Postcard

Pool postcard circa 1900

Billiards and sex have long been linked in the imagination.  In part, this stems from the game’s origins and the fact that while it’s always been predominantly male, it was nonetheless a sport accessible to, and played, by women, including historical notables such as Marie Antoinette and Elizabeth I.  But, as Erin Reilly notes in her essay, “All Bust and No Balls: Gender, Language, and Pool,” tastes shifted over time and by 1900, “men may have been more interested in women’s enjoyable company [at the pool table] than in their playing skills.” The presence of women in poolrooms “was largely viewed by men as an opportunity for flirting.”[1]

Regardless, the intertwining of billiards and sex extends beyond the interpersonal.  The evidence is everywhere, from the art world, where between 1900-1930, it was common to see prints and postcards of naked women at the pool table, to the argot, with its sexual puns and linguistic double-entendres (e.g., “shaft,” “rack,” “stroke”, “pocket pool,” etc.).  As Reilly notes, a 2001 Men’s Health article was called, “How to Handle Your Balls” and included a section entitled, “Hey, Nice Rack.”

Blue VelvetMore than a few billiards movies have attempted to make this connection explicit (e.g., Kisses & Caroms; Virgin Pockets) with gratuitous sex scenes and scantily-clad women hustlers. Unfortunately, it’s films like Blue Velvet and The Accused that have cemented this linkage cinematically, albeit by using billiards venues as the locale for depraved individuals and despicable acts of sexual violence.

Red Shoe DiariesIt’s no wonder then that an erotic cable series like Red Shoe Diaries, which aired on Showtime from 1992-1997, would include a billiards episode.  As folks may remember, Red Shoe Diaries had a plot-lite formula that mingled stories of sexual awakening with nudity, soft lens cinematography and mood music.

“Double or Nothing,” from the first season of Red Shoe Diaries, stars the super-sultry Paula Barbieri (former Playboy model and ex-girlfriend of O.J. Simpson) as a woman who is forced to survive by relying on her pool-playing skills.  Having lived under the thumb and shadow of men for a long time, she must now fend for herself.

Red Shoe Diaries - Double or NothingHer newfound independence is challenged when she meets a handsome fellow pool hustler.  Realizing they can earn more money playing as a team, the two pair up, both on and, of course, off the table.  There are some pool-shot montages and a handful of upskirt photos on the billiards table, but since this is Red Shoe Diaries, the real (softcore) action is in the parking lots, the bedroom, and in the episode’s climax, on the actual pool table.

“Double or Nothing” is available to watch on Amazon Instant Video.  The entire first season will be released as a DVD in June of this year.


[1]       Published in Sexual Sports Rhetoric: Historical and Media Contexts of Violence, edited by Linda K. Fuller, 2010.

Top 10 Baddies of Billiards Movies

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After writing my previous post about “my friend Harvey” from The Honeymooners episode “The Bensonhurst Bomber,” I started thinking further about the role intimidation plays in billiards.

Thorsten "The Hitman" Hohmann

Thorsten “The Hitman” Hohmann

Certainly, a number of prominent players today have assumed nicknames that are intended to psych out their opponent to some degree.  Consider:  Thorsten “The Hitman” Hohmann, Tony “Silent Assassin” Robles, Evgeny “Assassin” Stalev, Allison “Duchess of Doom” Fisher, Florian “Venom” Kohler, and of course, Jeanette “Black Widow” Lee, who would “eat people alive” when she got to the table.

But, in billiards movies and television, intimidation and fearmongering extends well beyond violent monikers.  On and off the table, the villains of billiards pop culture are known to do everything from bullyragging and browbeating to terrorizing and murdering.  It is in their honor then that I announce the TOP 10 BILLIARDS BADDIES OF ALL TIME (and sorry, but my friend Harvey did not make the cut).  Let the countdown begin:

Billiard Baddies10.  Third Eye Ryu.  In the 1972 pinky violence film Wandering Ginza Butterfly, the recently-paroled Nami must use her billiards skills to prevent the local yakuza from taking over a bar.  The fate of the bar lies in a game of three-cushion billiards that Nami must play against the yakuza’s junkie henchman, Third Eye Ryu.  Behind mirrored glasses, the stone-faced pool shark is a formidable opponent who exudes cold evil.

Billiard Baddies9.  Frosty (Richard Roundtree). The song “The Baron” is not the only memorable remainder of the 1984 made-for-TV movie The Baron and the Kid.  To that list, we should also add the formidable, impeccably dressed in white, Southern hustler Frosty, who doesn’t like to lose in pool. He proves particularly adept at intimidation when he removes his jacket, showing a holstered gun, and when he corrals his opponents with his posse of rednecks. Roundtree always was a “bad mother…”  I’ll shut my mouth.

Billiard Baddies8.  Caller (Neville Stevenson). If looks could kill, then Caller, the pierced, dreadlocked, bare-chested eight-ball opponent from the 2001 New Zealand film Stickmen, would be like walking genocide. Fortunately, his opponent Wayne is too blitzed out of his mind to notice and handily runs the table “drunken master” style on Caller before he can make a shot.

 

Billiard Baddies7.  Eddie Davies (J.W. Smith).  “Pool Hall Blues – September 4, 1954,” from the second season of Quantum Leap, is an insulting chapter of billiards television history.  But, as far as reprobates go, Eddie Davies, the local loan shark, is high on the list.  His scare tactics include sleazing all over the pool hall proprietor’s daughter, beating up an old man, and – far worse – directing his goon to snap in half the prized cue stick of Charlie “Black Magic” Walters.

Billiard Baddies6.  8-Ball (Jeff Hagees).  OK, I admit it, this villain has nothing to do with movies, but Marvel Comics’ misfit is too perfect not to include in this list.  From his profile: “8-Ball wielded a pool cue specially designed to magnify any force applied to it to more than a thousand-fold and transmit that force at anything it struck. He also carried a variety of pool balls for throwing, some designed to act as grenades. He traveled aboard a giant hovering pool ball.”

Billiard Baddies5.  Joe (Chazz Palminteri).  Though Joe doesn’t actually play pool in the 2002 film Poolhall Junkies, he is every bit hustler-gangster-thug, starting with the fact he ruins Johnny’s dream of playing pro billiards by throwing out the invitation.  But, that’s tiddlywinks compared to his later nefarious acts, including breaking Johnny’s finger, beating up Johnny’s brother, and trying to destroy Johnny’s reputation.  Bad-ass quote:  “Take that you motherless motherfu**ers.”

Billiard Baddies4.  Natasha (Rebecca Downs).  In the 1998 “Pool Sharks” episode of Monsters, we’re first introduced to Natasha as just another buxom, black-clad, pale-skinned vamp with a flirtatious mien and a tendency to be forward with men by sucking their bleeding finger wounds.  (And if you’ve seen From Dusk Till Dawn, you’re correctly thinking, “This can’t be good.”) Sure enough, in time, Natasha bears her fangs and the friendly game of 50-point straight pool turns into a death match.

Billiard Baddies3. “Cue Ball” Carl Bridges (Ving Rhames).  Ving Rhames trades in the “pliers and blowtorch” that made him famous in Pulp Fiction for a pimped out wardrobe, 8-ball cane, stogie and an appetite for chicken feet in the 2005 movie Shooting Gallery.  The plot may be ludicrous, but local gangster Cue Ball Carl not only manages a city-wide street team of pool hustlers, but also dabbles in guns, drug-running and violence.

Billiard Baddies2.  Joey (Kurt Hanover).  So sinister he’s almost cartoonish, Joey is the lying, cheating, back-stabbing, thieving, scoundrel of the 2012 film 9-Ball.   Responsible for the care of his niece Gail since her father died, Joey exploits her billiards talents to make money for himself.   When that starts to unravel, he threatens her to stop watching instructional pool videos (!!), and in time, steals from her and brutally beats her.  Oh, and if that weren’t enough he – [SPOILER ALERT!] –  also killed his brother (i.e. Gail’s father) in a fit of jealousy.

Billiard Baddies1.  Bert Gordon (George C. Scott).  Clearly, there are rogues on this list who have personally committed more heinous acts, but I still give the Billiards Brute top spot to Bert Gordon, the unscrupulous, vicious, milk-drinking, mastermind of the 1961 movie The Hustler.  Gordon never pulls the trigger, but he pulls all the strings, manipulating “Fast” Eddie, destroying his character and confidence (“Eddie, you’re a born loser”), and ultimately, causing his girlfriend Sarah to kill herself, even if it were Eddie and Bert who “really stuck the knife in her.”

So, there’s my list.  Was it unfair of me to omit Baisez, the macho billiards-playing vampire from The Understudy: Graveyard Shift 2?  Or, what about Topdog, the goon from Hard Knuckle who runs the pool hall where game losers must chop off their own fingers.  These were all tough choices.  Let me know the choices you would have made and share your comments.