Tag Archives: billiards movies

Extended Rest (in production)

A guy walks into a snooker club. He sees two elderly gentlemen at a nearby table. One of the men is partially sighted, the other largely deaf.

If you’re waiting for the punch line, this is no joke. Quite the contrary, this was part of the impetus behind Oliver Crocker’s decision to make Extended Rest, a new snooker film currently in production, which tells the story of a retired professional player, who tries to make a comeback in his sixties.

It’s been almost 30 years since the British “snooker movie boom,” which included the deplorable Number One (1984), the campy musical Billy Kid and the Green Baize Vampire (1985), and the laudable BBC series Give Us a Break (1983). Since that heyday, some snooker short films (e.g., Snooker (2000)) and the Big Break game show have surfaced, and Hong Kong entered the market with the movie Legend of the Dragon (1991) featuring Jimmy White, and the television series The King of Snooker (2009), but it’s otherwise been a barren cinematic wasteland for the sport of snooker.

Mr. Crocker seeks to change that with Extended Rest, starring Tony Osoba (from the BBC sitcom Porridge, as well as Give Us a Break) as Terry “the Grenade” Kincaid, who returns to the green baize after the death of his wife. Though a lengthy email exchange, Mr. Crocker opened up to me about the origins of the movie, his personal connections to snooker, his good fortune to cast snooker legend Neal Foulds, and his timeline for getting the film in front of audiences. The following are excerpts from that exchange:

Why did you decide to make this movie?

Tony Osoba practicing

“I’ve wanted to make a snooker movie for about 10 years… [Tony Osoba and I] play at the Twickenham Club and we mused to the owners the idea of making a film there and they have been terrific support, out of this world… When you think of some of the all-time great snooker matches, they often play out like a movie script…People are easy to criticize snooker, calling it boring. I think they’re barmy, it’s drama and skill of the highest order.”

What is your personal connection to snooker?

“I’ve watched snooker with my Dad all of my life, both on the telly and live at The Crucible and Wembley…We had a miniature table at home and he would play me as soon as he got home from work, as long as I’d done all my homework. I used to play both of my Grandads too, treasured memories… [I also] have many happy memories at school of playing snooker with my friends.

I was lucky enough to interview both Ali Carter and Jimmy White for the “This Morning” program on ITV (my day job) for our Male Cancer Awareness Week. I’ve interviewed Tom Cruise, Madonna, Jason Statham… but trust me, I was more nervous and excited about meeting Jimmy and Ali – and they were both absolute gentlemen, really good fun, generous with their time and I got to film them both practice, which was a thrill. So snooker is a massive part of my life and I’m grateful for it.”

How much snooker should viewers expect to see?

“There are four matches and a healthy amount of practice sessions. Tony Osoba has been working very hard on his practice. Tony plays every shot in the film himself. We’ve got some great out-takes along the way too. “

How did you get Neal Foulds, who once was the third best snooker player in the world, to appear in Extended Rest?

Oliver Crocker and Neal Foulds

“Tony Osoba and Shirin Taylor (our leading lady) had met working on the BBC’s snooker series Give Us a Break. The snooker coach on this series was Geoff Foulds, Neal’s Dad, who taught Tony how to play snooker, the right stance etc. So I tweeted Neal Foulds one day to tell him about the film. Neal recalled meeting Tony during the filming of Give Us a Break and said that Extended Rest sounded fun. So I asked him if he would consider making a cameo. I sent him the opening twenty minutes of the film, where there is a climactic battle on the baize between Terry Kincaid and Alec Slater. Because this is Terry’s first match against an opponent since retiring, in his head he returns to his glory days of walking out to the sound of applause, after an introduction from an MC and then during the match, he imagines hearing commentary from Foulds.

Neal agreed, and he came down to ITV, where I work, and recorded his commentary. We chatted for ages before we recorded, he is such a friendly guy, great sense of humor and he seemed to like the fact that I knew my stuff about snooker. I had [even] used some of his comments from real matches in the script.”

How long do audiences have to wait until they can see Extended Rest?

“We are filming in four mini blocks…By the end of August, we’ll have filmed half of the film. The opening twenty minutes of the film is complete – all edited, graded and scored…The final filming block is scheduled for November this year, so the release will be 2015, when exactly I don’t know, but it will be exciting to find out!”

Mr. Crocker has called Extended Rest his “love letter to snooker.” Frankly, he had me when the guy walked into the snooker club. We’ve waited 30 years. We can certainly wait another 6-12 months.

To keep up with the progress of Extended Rest, follow the director (@olivercrocker) and the film (@Extended_Rest) on Twitter.

Top 10 Cartoon Cue Stick Carriers

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Recently, I stumbled across the cover of a 1967 Beetle Bailey comic book featuring Private Beetle Bailey in one of his many ongoing efforts to taunt, tease, and rattle Sergeant Orville Snorkel, this time as he attempts to play pool. Looking at Mort Walker’s snaggle-toothed military man set up his shot, it made me wonder how many other cartoon and animated characters played billiards. While the list below is far from comprehensive, it is my attempt to list the TOP 10 CARTOON (AND ANIMATED) CUE STICK CARRIERS. Let the countdown begin:

10. Pinocchio. Gepetto may be harboring some regrets now that the Blue Fairy has breathed some life into his wooden puppet Pinocchio. In the 1940 film Pinocchio, the path to becoming a real boy is littered with distractions, including playing pool with the delinquent Lampwick and taking deep drags on fat cigars. My advice: keep listening to your “conscience” Jiminy Cricket…except when it comes to shooting billiards. For that, better to listen to Lampwick. He’s quite the shark!

9. Pat & Mat. In the 1994 “Billiard” episode of the Czech stop-motion animated series Pat & Mat, the two handymen are determined to play a game destíkový carambol, which is Czech for “tenfold carom,” a variation of the carom billiards game four-ball. However, a faulty table leg dooms the game to one Rube Goldbergian solution after another, with balls eventually falling down the toilet and exploding in the fireplace.

8. Casper. It’s hard to believe the Friendly Ghost could hold a cue stick, never mind make three balls in the same shot, but apparently that’s what this affable phantasm is capable of, according to this 1958 comic book. The jury is still out whether being able to float through a table is a true advantage. He did scratch, after all.

7. Woody Woodpecker. The anthropomorphic avian with the annoying laugh is a long-time pool player, based on the 2002 “Cue the Pool Shark” episode of The New Woody Woodpecker Show. Facing off against his nemesis Buzz Buzzard, Woody manages to outplay the cheater with a series of gravity-defying trick shots.

6. Rainbow Fish. In the 2000 “Pool Shark” episode of Rainbow Fish, Chomper’s cousin Slick is visiting Neptune’s Bay, where he likes to hang at Wanda’s Café, which has a new pool table. The piscine pool player dazzles initially, causing Rainbow to swear his allegiance as a personal assistant and blow off his other friends. But, apparently his game is more cheating than skills, causing one to question the real upside of playing with flippers.

5. Captain America. DC and Marvel collide in the pool hall, as America’s #1 Freedom Fighter temporarily puts down his shield and picks up his cue stick. Unfortunately, he might have been a little too distracted by Rogue in her thigh-highs, as he ends up knocking over the Man of Steel’s drink. Major pool faux pas…but then judging by Cap’s stance and grip, billiards was never really his game.

4. Tom & Jerry. Viewers of Tom & Jerry will recall that these two animals can really brawl. In the 1950 episode “Cue Ball Cat,” the battle takes place in a pool hall. Over the course of seven minutes, Tom torments Jerry with a variety of billiards shots that leave him spinning, reeling, running, chalked, and even imprinted (temporarily, of course) with an 8-ball on the backside. Jerry, never one to back down from the big kitty, fights back, batting billiards balls into Tom’s eyes, shooting the bridge like an arrow into Tom’s mouth, and fooling Tom into swallowing seven balls.

3. Fred Flintstone. “Twinkletoes” may be well-known for his bowling and golf games, but the famous caveman of bedrock also had a real talent for pool, even with slightly crooked sticks and uneven billiards balls. Flintstone showed off his skills in the 1960 Flintstones episode, “At the Races,” as he and his BFF Barney Rubble hatch a get-rich-quick scheme that involves owning a pool hall.

2. Death Billiards. For real high-stakes billiards, check out the “death match” between the young and old man in the 2013 anime film Death Billiards. These two have been brought to a bar to compete in a game of billiards and to “play as if their lives depended on it.” While it’s unclear who actually wins the game, let’s just say one should never play pool with balls that are adorned with images of body parts.

1. Donald Duck. Even if his game is not great, Donald ultimately develops the best attitude about billiards, learning to appreciate the games for its mathematical beauty in the 1957 featurette Donald in Mathmagic Land. With the Spirit providing the educational commentary on the diamond system and an unidentified Roman Yanez providing the incredible three-cushion billiards visuals, this duck is well on his way to becoming a shark.

So, there’s my Top 10 list. Just don’t let that Wascally Wabbit know he didn’t make the cut. I hear once he puts down the carrot and picks up the cue stick, he’s quite the pro. See a character missing? Let me know who would be on your Top 10.

Mr. Belvedere – “Tornado”

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Bob Uecker is affectionately known as “Mr.Baseball,” a moniker given to him by Johnny Carson. The sobriquet fits well, as Uecker not only played professional baseball for six years, but also was a colorful commentator for network broadcasts and has been the play-by-play radio announcer for the Milwaukee Brewers for more than 40 years.

Actually, Uecker’s affinity for sports extends well beyond baseball. He started playing basketball in eighth grade. He appeared in a series of commercials for the Milwaukee Admirals of the American Hockey League. He hosted a historic 1984 tennis match between Kenny Rogers and Bobby Riggs for his show War of the Stars. He even was the ring announcer for the famous WrestleMania III match between Hulk Hogan and Andre the Giant.

However, one sport Uecker has little, if any, connection to is billiards. (Well, that excludes him hosting a 1986 episode of Bob Uecker’s Wacky World of Sports which featured a pool-playing poodle.) So, that made it just a bit disappointing to watch him in the Season 2 episode of Mr. Belvedere entitled “Tornado.”

Mr. Belvedere was an ABC sitcom that ran from 1985 to 1990. Based on the 1947 novel Belvedere, the series featured a posh housekeeper, Lynn Belvedere (Christopher Hewitt), who struggles to adapt to Owens household. Uecker plays the patriarch of the family, sportswriter George Owens.

In the October 1985 “Tornado” episode, a tornado strikes the town of Beaver Falls, Pennsylvania, where the Owens family resides. Taking the necessary safety measures, the entire family retreats to the basement. But the close quarters only exacerbate the brewing tension between George and Mr. Belvedere. That tension gets channeled toward the pool table, where George challenges Mr. Belvedere to a 100-point game of straight pool.

Unfortunately, no imagination is given to the filming of the pool game. In comparison to other billiards sitcom episodes like The Brady Bunch – “The Hustler” or The Steve Harvey Show – “Pool Shark Git Bit,” the shots in “Tornado” are all incredibly basic and unoriginal. Sprinkled between the shots is some studio audience-friendly, G-rated banter, such as George saying to Mr. Belvedere, “Have a seat Fats, I could be here for a while,” or Mr. Belvedere’s reply when George misses, “Tough stuff, cream puff.”

The Owens’ kids seem to interpret this exchange of taunts as a sign that Mr. Belvedere’s future employment may be in question. But, with one point remaining and with the 8-ball balanced on the edge of the far corner pocket, the tornado strikes the Owen house, forcing the game to end and the men to go into a protective huddle and set aside their differences.

A clip from Mr. Belvedere – “Tornado” episode is available to watch below:

Ironside – “Side Pocket”

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Having watched incredible footage of World Wheelchair Pool Champion Fred Dinsmore, I was rather hopeful when I learned there was a billiards episode, “Side Pocket,” from Ironside, the ground-breaking, late-60s television series that starred Raymond Burr as the paraplegic, wheelchair-bound Chief of Detectives Robert Ironside. Perhaps Ironside, normally depicted relying solely on logic and reasoning to solve criminal cases, would showcase some hidden billiards talents as part of his crime-solving efforts.

Unfortunately, and notwithstanding the misleading picture to the left, the 1968, season 2 episode left Ironside to his usual sedentary crime-solving, albeit his office houses a beautiful table.

Instead, the episode focuses on Tim Patterson, a pool hustler who is ready to turn in his cue stick in exchange for the opportunity to pursue an engineering degree at Carnegie Tech. Tim asks Ironside for a letter of recommendation, but then inexplicably agrees to a high-stakes game against Money Howard (Jack Albertson), a legendary billiards champion.

It turns out Tim’s brother, Bobby, is in serious debt to Vance, a local mobster. Tim beats Money Howard, suspiciously winning $2000, but causing his brother to go further into debt to Vance for mistakenly betting against Tim. It’s at this point that Tim decides to continue hustling, rather than go to college. Such an about-face prompts Ironside and his entire team to investigate.

Ironside soon learns that Vance is now stake-horsing Tim. Says Vance, “I got the kid who beat Money Howard. I got tournaments lined up across the country. I got tie-ins with pool table companies, billiards ball companies, cue stick companies.”

Ironically, Ironside never seems too concerned that Tim may be in grave danger, working for a mobster. Instead, Ironside’s primary concern is that Tim is forsaking his chance to go to college and continuing a career in hustling, a no-good, amoral lifestyle, in which one “lives in hotels, sleeps all day, smells of stale cigar smoke [and] hops from town to town, looking for suckers.”

The storyline doesn’t make a ton of sense. And the pool-playing is rather laughable, given Money Howard is supposed to be “the greatest pool player in the world…correction…the greatest pool hustler in the world.” At least Howard is played very well by veteran stage actor Jack Albertson, who ironically, had also played a pool hustler in the Gunsmoke episode “Cowtown Hustler.” (But even that acting had limited joy, as I couldn’t disassociate Albertson from his subsequent portrayal of that famous octogenarian, Grandpa Joe, from Willie Wonka & the Chocolate Factory.)

In the end, the best part of this episode may have been Quincy Jones’ opening synthesizer theme, which Quentin Tarantino smartly appropriated for Kill Bill. But, then, you didn’t really need a billiards episode to appreciate that.

The Ironside episode “Side Pocket” is available to watch on Hulu Plus.

Who’s the Boss? – “The Two Tonys”

As the historian George Fels referenced in an article for Billiards Digest, some celebrities aren’t just acting…they really can shoot a mean game of pool: James Caan (Cinderella Liberty). Jerry Orbach (Law & Order). Montgomery Clift (A Place in the Sun). Don Adams (Get Smart – “Dead Spy Scrawls”). Fred Astaire. W.C. Fields (Pool Sharks). Jack Klugman (Twilight Zone – “A Game of Pool”).

To that esteemed list, we must add Tony Danza, the star of the Emmy Award and Golden Globe Award-winning sitcom Who’s the Boss? Running from 1984-1992, the series featured Danza as retired and widowed major league baseball player Tony Micelli, who relocates to suburban Connecticut and gets a job as a live-in housekeeper for divorced advertising executive Angela Bower (Judith Light).

As we learn in the 1988 Season 4 Who’s the Boss? episode, “The Two Tonys,” Tony can not only play baseball, but also shoot billiards. The set-up is that Tony takes to Angela to Marty’s Melody Room for a particular dining experience, when he runs into Darlene, an old flame, who has since married another Tony. This second Tony (‘Tony 2’) has lived in the shadow of Tony Micelli ever since. “I’ve been chasing the myth,” says Tony 2.

Attempting to debunk Tony, Tony 2 challenges him to a 100-point game of straight pool. Tony, allegedly an exceptional pool player, acquiesces to Angela’s request that he “throw the game,” an idea verboten in Tony’s competitive world, so that Tony 2’s ego won’t be further damaged.

The match starts off reasonably well, with Tony winning Angela’s appreciation as he intentionally flubs shots. (“What you’re doing is for the greater good,” Angela says to Tony. He replies, “Yeah, they’re going to name a church after me.”) But, as Tony 2 creeps closer to victory, his taunts and braggadocio get more extreme. (“You need to clean this table and the next one. Of course, all that cleaning shouldn’t be too difficult for a housekeeper.”)

Eventually, and staring at a 21-point deficit, Tony can no longer constrain his skill or contain his anger. Chalking up to George Thorogood’s billiards anthem “Bad to the Bone” (which, of course, featured pool god Willie Mosconi in the memorable music video), Tony goes on a streak, pocketing one ball after another, until they are tied at 99 points. Tony is then faced with “an impossible [cut] shot” (in which the object ball is frozen on the middle of the far rail). He misses, giving Tony 2 an easy shot to win the game and walk out with his ego and wife in tow.

But, with Tony 2 gone, it is revealed that Tony actually threw the game (as originally instructed), for the shot was not impossible, as he proves moments later when he makes the exact same shot for Angela’s bemusement. Which brings us back to Tony Danza, who clearly knows enough about billiards, English, and backspin, to make the incredible (and very difficult) shot. Nice cut, Tony.

The full episode is shown here:

Sharks Web Series

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In last week’s post on the billiards movie Legend of the Dragon, I highlighted the creative casting of snooker sensation Jimmy White as the primary nemesis in the film. Mr. White has almost no lines in the movie, but he lights up each of his scenes because he is prominently featured doing what he does best: shooting snooker. His on-screen time is mesmerizing as a result. It helps that the movie stars veteran Hong Kong comedic actor Stephen Chow and is directed by Danny Lee, who has worked in film with iconic director John Woo.

In stark comparison is the Sharks web series, which is set around billiards and shot at Amsterdam Billiards & Bar in New York City. Filmed and released throughout 2012, the series consisted of 21 episodes, each 7-17 minutes in length, and featured an all-star cast of female billiards professionals, including Jennifer Barretta (“Ann”), Borana Andoni (“Kelsey”), and Caroline Pao (“Samantha”). Many other notable players make cameos.

The problem, however, is that billiards is only tangentially relevant to the overall storyline, which is about betrayal, jealousy, deception, and winning, and reads like a poorly-stitched collection of inane dialogue from amateur, hackneyed soap operas. With talent like Ms. Barretta, Ms. Boroni, and Ms. Pao, the fundamental want is to see them play pool, not watch them try to act their way through lamentable scenes of late-night dinners, exercise workouts, urban strolls, and domestic violence. (Ms. Barretta seems to have unfortunately stumbled into the casting niche of abused pool player, given her similar role in the 2012 billiards film 9-Ball.)

It also doesn’t help that the production value is god-awful. Created, directed and produced by Jim Murnak, the gifted craftsman behind Murnak custom cue cases, Sharks is rife with cheap green-screen production, bad audio dubbing and background noises, amateur editing, ill camera direction choices, unnecessary montages, prop gaffes (i.e., Jennifer Barretta’s character Ann wearing a “Jennifer” necklace in Episode 6) and an over-reliance on music.

Fortunately, most of the episodes include, albeit jarringly and poorly edited, a billiard scene. Those scenes are the hallmark of Sharks. For example, Episode 6 (shown below) includes Mika “The Iceman” Immonen, a past winner of both the WPA World Nine-Ball and World Ten-Ball Championships, schooling an out-of-towner in nine-ball with a dazzling display of pool prowess. (Humorously, the out-of-towner is played by Carl Yusuf Khan, a well-known pool player.)

Similarly, Episode 3 features the incredibly sexy Yomaylin Feliz hustling a local yokel. She makes some incredible shots, even if they are unfortunately interspersed between some dreadful third-grade banter.

One of my favorite sequences was from Episode 2, watching Jennifer Barretta and Borana Andoni’s compete in nine-ball. I chose to ignore the purpose of the match, which was to see who would ‘win the boyfriend,’ and instead focused on the beautiful safety shots, trick shots, and cuts made expertly by both players. Ms. Andoni also has a wonderful straight pool sequence in Episode 5. And Ms. Barretta is elegant in her execution of the nine ball “L Drill” in Episode 6.

In short, so long as Sharks lets the players shoot billiards, there is beauty to behold. But, whenever that pool is suffocated by the bad dialogue, acting, and production, the series suffers to an unwatchable level. That’s why the scene with Mr. Immonen is so rich. Like Jimmy White in Legend of the Dragon, it’s just a master with his cue stick, doing only what he does best: shooting pool.

Legend of the Dragon

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If Legend of the Dragon (Long de chuan ren) sounds more like a Bruce Lee movie than a billiards movie, that is very much intentional. The 1991 Hong Kong film, starring comedian Stephen Chow, is in many ways a paean to the martial artist, though it replaces the hand-to-hand combat with a showdown on the snooker table.

For starters, Legend of the Dragon sounds like the natural sequel to two of Bruce Lee’s most famous films, The Way of the Dragon (1972) and Enter the Dragon (1973). Stephen Chow (perhaps today better known as the director and star of the hyperkinetic comedies Kung Fu Hustle and Shaolin Soccer), plays Chow Siu-Lung, who is named after Bruce Lee Siu-Lung. (Stephen Chow is well-known for his cinematic admiration for Bruce Lee, as evidenced in this great clip comparing Bruce Lee’s Fist of Fury (1972) with Chow’s First of Fury (1991)).

Chow Siu-Lung lives in the small fishing village of Tai O, on the western side of Lantau island in Hong Kong. Much of the land is owned by his father Hung (Yuen Wah), a master of the local kung fu school and a former stunt double for Bruce Lee. While Hung wishes his son would become a disciple of martial arts, Chow is uninterested in martial arts, neglecting his studies and preferring to live simply and naively, whether that is flying kites, goofing around with his childhood friend Mao (Teresa Mo), or playing snooker.

But, Chow’s child-like existence is disrupted when his cousin, Yan (Leung Ka-Yan) from the mainland, returns a favor to Chow’s father by agreeing to show Chow Hong Kong. The “fish out of water” scenes that follow (similar to Bruce Lee’s scenes in Return of the Dragon) showcase the dewy-eyed and under-socialized Chow mesmerized by everything from the buildings to the traffic to sight of women’s breasts (Hong Kong sex symbol Amy Yip in a cameo appearance).

Yan, who is seriously in debt to the local yakuza, has alternate intentions, however, aside from showing his cousin Chow a good time. When Yan fortuitously realizes that Chow is an amazing snooker player, he hatches a plan to bet on Chow’s games. The yakuza catch wind that Yan is stake-horsing Chow. They promise to wipe clean Yan’s debts if Yan can arrange for Hung to bet the deed to his land on a game between Chow and the yakuza’s “hired” snooker player.

The big reveal is that yakuza’s player is none other than Jimmy “The Whirlwind” White, the real six-time world snooker finalist. (Billiard movie aficionados should not be surprised at the casting of a professional pool player as the main nemesis. See Keith McCready in The Color of Money (1986) or Marcello Lotti in Io, Chiara e lo Scuro (1983) for earlier examples.)

Jimmy White may look like a fish out of water in this movie, but regardless, it is billiards-nirvana to watch him on the table, and director Danny Lee gives him plenty of opportunity to show off his incredible masse, spin, and shot-making skills. (His cue-ball manipulation is jaw-dropping.) White quickly trounces Chow, who has been traumatized by the knowledge his cousin has been betting on him.

Fortunately, like many great kung fu films, there is a chance for the hero to redeem himself. In this case, it is a rematch against White in the World Snooker Challenge Cup. The snooker match is initially off to the same ill start, with Chow unable to pocket balls. But, in a deft comedic moment, Chow finds himself with the opportunity to make a truly easy, direct, corner pocket shot. Filmed in slow motion, Chow makes the shot, and his confidence returns. The snooker “combat” then becomes a shot-for-shot slugfest between two evenly matched opponents. Of course, there must be a winner, and with a final shot that combines billiards and karate-like aerodynamics, Chow pockets the final ball, winning the match and the land back for his father.

Legend of the Dragon is available to rent or purchase on DVD.

Get Smart – “Dead Spy Scrawls”

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Remote-controlled cue ball? Shotgun concealed in a cue stick? Decoding machine hidden inside a billiards table? Leonard Nimoy playing an assassin named Stryker? Quadruple-check. It’s all part of the hilariously outlandish billiards TV episode “Dead Spy Scrawls” from the first season of Get Smart. The full episode is available to watch here.

http://youtu.be/eUX-dnwtDLc

First aired in 1965, Get Smart was created as a lampoon of earlier spy series, such as The Man from U.N.C.L.E. and, of course, the James Bond franchise. The comedy featured Don Adams as bumbling secret agent Maxwell Smart (aka Agent 86), who works for the US counter-intelligence agency CONTROL. Many episodes pitted Maxwell Smart and CONTROL against their nemesis KAOS, an “international organization of evil.” Such is the storyline for “Dead Spy Scrawls” in which CONTROL learns that KAOS has a machine that is intercepting US government secret communication.

The location of the “decoding machine” remains a mystery to CONTROL until the Chief deduces from an informant’s dying words, “Shark…pool…mother,” that “One of the best pool players in town is a man known as The Shark. And he runs a place called Mother’s Family Pool Parlor….Well, if The Shark is a KAOS man, it’s just possible that the decoding machine could be hidden in Mother’s Family Pool Parlor!”

To infiltrate Mother’s and leave time for Agent 99 (Barbara Feldon) to find the machine, Smart must play the Shark (Jack Lambert) in pool. Though Smart tells the Chief he knows the game “inside and out,” the Chief, taking no chances, hires pool professional Willie Marconi (an obvious spoof on, and tribute to, pool legend Willie Mosconi) to teach him the game. But Smart, in the comedic tradition of earlier pool players such as W.C. Fields (Six of a Kind) and Peter Sellers (A Shot in the Dark), is a butter-finger with the cue stick, ultimately maiming Marconi in both the face and the hand and tearing the baize through a bungled masse shot.

Fortunately, CONTROL is able to outfit Smart with a can’t-miss cue ball that is remotely controlled by Agent 99’s lipstick and a cue stick that conceals a single-barrel shotgun. So, armed with the necessary pool gadgets, Smart and Agent 99 head to Mother’s to challenge Shark. There, Smart plays Shark in a game with physics-defying shots. In a final shot, Smart finds himself with the 8-, 10-, 5, and 1-balls in a row, next to the side pocket. (As we learned earlier, these four balls pocketed simultaneously serve as the combination to unlock the decoding machine, which is hidden inside the belly of the billiards table.) Smart makes the shot (which, in fact, is one of the most famous trick shots in billiards), unlocking the decoding machine, and apprehending the members of KAOS.

“Dead Spy Scrawls” is refreshing in its absurdity. In subsequent years, the remote-controlled billiards ball concept would be repurposed in a less satisfying manner (e.g., Mission: Impossible – “Break”; Quantum Leap – “Pool Hall Blues”). But, in “Dead Spy Scrawls” it works beautifully, perhaps because there is still respect for the game, as evidenced by the cultural reference to Willie Mosconi and the use of several well-made trick shots.

It’s also worth noting that, unlike Peter Graves (Mission: Impossible) or Scott Bakula (Quantum Leap), Don Adams was an exceptional pool player in his own right. (The episode acknowledges as much when Shark references a famous pool player named “Three Fingers” Yarmy. Yarmy is Don Adams’ real surname.) In fact, Adams appeared as a guest on Celebrity Billiards with Minnesota Fats, played (many years later) in the $20,000 “Sportsworld” Celebrity Billiards Tournament, and of course, merged his billiards ability and comedic genius by starring in the famous 1970 advertisement for Skittle Pool.

One Too Many 8 Balls

I will concede that if I were writing or producing a billiards movie, I might consider throwing “8-Ball” or “eight ball” in the title, such as Up Against the 8-Ball or Behind the Eight Ball or even the whimsical 8 Ball Stud. After all, the eight-ball is laden with symbolism, given its inherent neutrality in the battle of solids and stripes, as well as its association with both good and bad, depending on whether it leads to someone’s victory or defeat on the billiards table.

But, to name the movie just 8-Ball? Where’s the originality in that? This is a crowded market folks, and as difficult to believe as it may be, I uncovered five billiards movies and short films called 8-Ball, as well as a couple of non-billiards movies of the same name. Welcome to a world of confusion.

8-Ball

At the top of my watch list is the forthcoming billiards crime drama 8-Ball, starring and executive produced by David Barroso. Mr. Barroso promises the movie will borrow elements, narration, and plot elements from Godfather Part II, GoodFellas, The Usual Suspects, and The Silence of the Lambs. According to the movie’s Twitter feed, it’s now expected to hit theaters this fall. Fortunately, this is the only full-length film with the title 8-Ball.

8 Ball

Less about billiards as sport, and more about billiards as an allegory for life, is the 2007 short film 8 Ball, directed by Inon Shampanier. As Shampanier shared with me, the larger allegory is that “like balls on a pool table, the lives of strangers collide and change course. The film poses questions about the accidental nature of these collisions and the sense of ‘order in the chaos.’”

8 Ball

This seven-minute Australian film, shown as part of the 2012 Aurora Short Film Festival, anthropomorphizes the 8-Ball as an enlightened maverick, fleeing the confines of a pool table to explore the outside world. (“There was nothing these suckers could do to stop me.”) While the concept is interesting, the dialogue is terrible, including the encounter with a female tennis ball. A far better movie that brings pool balls to life is Pool Talk, a two-minute 2009 short film.

8 Ball

This four-minute American film, made some time in 2012 or 2013, has no dialogue, no plot, and sadly, no purpose. Directed by George Monard when he was probably 17 or 18, it features a “dangerous” pool player who is unsuccessful in his intimidation of the other players. A match ensues; he loses, so he shoots his opponent. I didn’t get it either.

8 Ball

Using billiards as a backdrop, this four-minute American film, made a few years ago, was directed by Garrett Gutierrez, while a graduate student at the Dodge College of Film and Media Arts at Chapman University. It basically features two friends arguing about religion. The project was intentionally constrained to 3 pages, 2 characters, and 1 location.

OK, at this point, cinematic confusion should be setting in. But, now is when it gets really weird…

8-Ball

In 2012, the short film 8-Ball was released in Argentina. Having nothing to do with billiards, the movie is about a man having a personal crisis who seeks solitude in a park, when a passing stranger named 8-Ball takes an unwelcome interest in him. The movie won a host of awards throughout the UK. Apparently, no one thought to question the inanity of the title.

8-Ball

Finally, there is the 2013 full-length Finnish crime film 8-Ball. It is about a single mother who, having just been released from prison, is trying to start her life anew. The return of her former boyfriend stirs up a past she preferred to leave behind. I don’t know why it’s called 8-Ball, but I’ll cut the director Aku Louhimies a little slack, since its original title is 8-Pallo.

So, the next time you’re thinking about making a film about billiards (or not about billiards for that matter), heed this advice: There’s still an opportunity to cash in on the 5-Ball or 13-Ball. Just stay away from (un)lucky number 8.

I Dream of Jeannie – “Help, Help, a Shark”

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My colleague Matthew Sherman, an avid proponent of, and author on, billiards, began his article, “The Most Important Stroke in Pocket Billiards,” by discussing an old tale about a pool genie. In the story, the pool genie offers the lamp-rubber any wish to improve her game. The woman rubbing the lamp responds, “There’s one pool shot that if I made it every time would make me the greatest woman player on Earth!” Perplexed, the genie asks which shot would achieve that. “The next shot!” responds the player proudly.

Unfortunately, such simple wisdom is completely lacking in the one billiards television entry that actually features a pool genie. That would be “Help, Help, a Shark” from the fifth and final season of the sitcom I Dream of Jeannie. Produced in 1970, “Help, Help, a Shark” continues the romance between astronaut Major Tony Nelson (Larry Hagman) and Jeannie (Barbara Eden), the genie desperate to please her master.

“Help, Help, a Shark” begins with a the final shots of a 500-point straight pool match between General Schaeffer and General Fitzhugh (Jim Backus, better known as Gilligan Island castaway Thurston Howell III). Rivals for years, General Schaeffer is about to win and reclaim the trophy, when Major Nelson screams (in reaction to pocket-size Jeannie busting out of his jacket), causing General Schaeffer to miss the shot, lose the trophy…and rip the felt of the table.

To make it up to the General, Major Nelson is able to set-up a 200-point rematch. Unfortunately, in his giddiness, he slams a door on the General Schaeffer’s hand, making the general unable to play and requiring Major Nelson to step in and avenge the General in the rematch. The only catch…Major Nelson can’t play pool. What’s a spaceman to do?

Well, as we know from other billiards television shows that have since recycled this same theme, the only way to turn a bumbling billiards player into a pool professional is through science or the supernatural (i.e., Quantum Leap – “Pool Hall Blues”; Mission: Impossible! – “Break”; Pretender – “Pool”). In “Help, Help, a Shark,” which predates all these other episodes, the secret-power to turn Major Nelson into a hustler is his very own genie from a bottle. Jeannie, simply by seeing the pool table and blinking (cue the boing sound effect), can turn the most heinously-played shots into combinations that sink five, six, seven balls simultaneously.

Therein lays the absurdity of this episode, for it’s not that Jeannie makes Major Nelson a better player. It’s that she manipulates the movement of the cue ball, so that it makes impossible trajectories and defies physics by caroming into multiple balls. Yet, none of these players (who regularly play 500-point straight pool games) question the improbability of the game. And given the game is straight pool, there is no possible reason why Jeannie can’t just help Major Nelson make “the next shot,” rather than these inane multi-ball shots.

I know, I know…it’s just a TV show…don’t take it so seriously. But, if a sitcom is going to devote a storyline to pool (and most of the screen time in “Help, Help, a Shark” is, in fact, focused on pool), then at least tell a reasonable story or show some exceptional pool-playing. (For example, “Pool Shark Git Bit” from The Steve Harvey Show is pretty lame television, but at least it has some sweet pool sequences.) This lamentable episode gets it all wrong, with one exception – the title. As the name suggests, this episode really needed some “Help, Help.”

8 Ball on the Silver Screen

Every Billiards Movie, TV Show, Short Film and Web Series

Tag Archives: billiards movies

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