Have you heard the one about the cheeseburger, the French fries, and the ketchup?
If you think that’s the start to a bad joke, just wait until you see the webisode that features this same trio of edibles in a starring role. You will see something not just bad, but downright atrocious.
In 2008, New Hampshire artists John Herman and Ryan Plaisted had the crackpot idea to launch a musical web series that anthropomorphized a cheeseburger, French fries, and a bottle of ketchup. Or, more precisely, they swapped the heads of two men and a woman with these three staples of our Fast Food Nation, and asked the three friends to otherwise go about their daily lives. The series was called Odd Noggin Land. It debuted on December 15, 2008…and lasted for just seven episodes. (Hey, the television show Lawless with the Boz lasted just one episode.)
The fourth episode of Odd Noggin Land, entitled “Pool Shark,” is 200 seconds of inanity, an online goulash of unenjoyable song lyrics, lame jokes, jackleg billiards, and overgrown vittles. The show begins with Cheeseburger losing a game of pool to Fries, who can now use the winnings to “get his mole removed.” Cheeseburger wants a rematch, but now cashless, he must bet his Chevette. Fries takes an early lead and it looks like Cheeseburger will be walking until the game is interrupted by Ketchup, who laments, “I can’t take [cheeseburger] anywhere without you playing pool and gambling.” Trying to save his sesame seed buns, she wagers her car against Fries’. She seizes the cue stick, and though her grip and stance are abominable, she runs the table. Cheeseburger rejoices by taunting, “Show me the money;” webisode watchers everywhere cringe as the pop-up speech bubble points out that this is the second Tom Cruise reference. (I think you can guess from what movie the first reference came.)
In their attempt to market Odd Noggin Land, the creators described it as what would happen “if Jim Henson and David Lynch had ever collaborated on a primetime sitcom.” Hah, right! And you thought Cheeseburger had a fat head.
As this is my 100th blog post, I think it is a time for a break. No, not a temporal break, though I’ve often considered an extended interlude, having written steadily since launching “8 Ball on the Silver Screen” in the summer of 2013. And no, not a billiards break, as that is a constant of many of the movies and episodes I review.
I mean a commercial break. After all, given many cinemas will now show upwards of 20 minutes of on-screen advertisements in advance of a feature presentation, taking a commercial break from a movie/television blog seems quite appropriate.
But, this is not just any commercial break. This is about advertisements featuring billiards, such as Chrysler’s 2014 two-minute Super Bowl ad which featured Bob Dylan casually playing pool in a bar. Billiards is like Forrest Gump, popping up in advertisements across all industries, from automotives to 1-900 sex lines. The complete list is beyond my research bandwidth, so instead, I’ve cherry-picked some of the best. Presenting the TOP 10 TELEVISION COMMERCIAL BREAKS FEATURING BILLIARDS. Let the countdown begin!
10. Kraft – Melke Chocolate. In this 2000 Norwegian “Billiards” commercial created by Leo Burnett, a man becomes a wee bit too interested in an otherwise leisurely game of pool. Crouching to observe a player’s stroke, he is accidentally knocked in the mouth by the cue butt. Howling in pain and losing a few teeth, the man is a natural target for Melke, the “soft porous chocolate that melts in your mouth.”
9. Wonderful Pistachios. According to the satirist and television personality Stephen Colbert, pistachios are a “delicious snack and a useful tool.” He then proceeds to use a single pistachio to chalk his cue stick, as he prepares to play billiards in this 2014 15-second commercial, created by the Fire Station agency as part of the “Get Crackin’ America” campaign. Apparently, Freedum the Eagle has other plans for the table.
http://youtu.be/7GPcMlC6n0k
8. McDonald’s Spicy Chicken McBites. This 2012 ad from DDB provided a four-part comparison between pool and Spicy Chicken McBites. Both require one to (1) start off right; (2) have flavor; (3) add a little something special; and (4) finally bring the heat. Not sure that analogy makes a ton of sense, but “I’m Lovin’ It” that the commercial includes some nice billiards camera work, sharp sound effects, and a four-rail finale.
http://youtu.be/xk0g2ojXB34
7. Budweiser. It happens every day. You’re playing pool against a sultry woman who nearly fellates her cue stick blowing the chalk dust off the tip. She takes her shot and wham-o…the object ball flies clear off the table, knocking you out on the head. What’s a woman to do? As this 1999 30-second commercial from DBB makes clear, waving “skunky beer” under your nose sure isn’t the answer; providing “brewery fresh Budweiser is.” (Note: Pool also had a starring role in Budwesier’s 30-second “Ginger or Mary Ann?” ad from 1993.)
6. NHL on Fox Sports. As if billiards hasn’t experienced enough difficulty trying to build an audience on TV, in 1990 Fox Sports went right for the sternum with their advertisement, “Billiards would be better if it were hockey” to promote their weekly NHL Saturday matches. This 15-second spot featured a player at the fictitious Diamond Hills 9-Ball Invitational getting thwacked with a cue stick by his opponent rushing in from the sideline. A similar parody was done on bowling.
5. Levi’s Jeans. The dungarees maker turned a few heads in this 1991 45-second commercialentitled “Pool Hall.” Using no words, but girded by The Clash’s anthem, “Should I Stay or Should I Go?,” the commercial focuses on a handsome man who is denied entrance to a pool hall unless he can pay up. Since the man has no money, the unctuous proprietor indicates that if the man loses, he must give up his blue jeans. Fortunately, the guy is a shark, and turning the tables on the proprietor, handily beats him and then demands his pants as appropriate payment.
4. Ketchup Baltimor Tomatnyi. Heinz may be the global ketchup leader, but in Russia 10 years ago, ketchup was still synonymous with the Russian Baltimor brand. In 2006, the French actor Gerard Depardieu starred in a one-minute commercial in which a buxom blonde challenges him to a game of billiards. If he wins, she’ll kiss him; if he loses, he has to eat his hat. She beats him badly, prompting the defeated Depardieu to request a bottle of Baltimor to make his hat tastier. When some squirts onto the woman’s shirt, the announcer says, “Ketchup Baltimor Tomatnyi: Makes Everything Edible.”
http://youtu.be/WzB04XX_xpI
3. Guinness Beer. Forget what you know about billiards evolving from the lawn games of 14th century France. In “Table,” a 45-second ad from Saatchi & Saatchi, the game was invented by “some blokes in a pub.” Originally a rather primitive pastime, the lads innovated by adding holes and pockets, and ultimately celebrated the “only way they knew how…by potting the black,” a reference both to snooker and to stout Guinness beer.
2. Aurora Skittle Pool. Don Adams, the secret agent from Get Smart (which included a billiards episode “Dead Spy Scrawls”), starred in this minute-long commercial from 1970. The ad features Adams playing “Wisconsin Skinny” (a tongue-and-cheek reference to pool legend Minnesota Fats) in a game of pool – specifically, Skittle Pool, a tabletop billiards game in which players use a pendulum-powered ball to sink shots. Adams, an experienced pool player in his own right, was a big promoter of the table sport, even appearing on the cover of the game box.
1. Miller Lite Beer. Among commercials featuring billiards, the archetype and leader-of-the-pack is this 1978 commercial featuring world pool champion Steve Mizerak. Arguing that one needs to stay fast and light on their feet when they shoot pool, the Miz explains that’s why he drinks Lite Beer from Miller. In the pitch-perfect ending, he explains further that “you can work up a real good thirst even when you’re just showing off,” as he makes an eye-popping five ball trick shot for a crowd of pleased onlookers.
So there’s my list of Top 10 Television Commercials Featuring Billiards. Maybe this list made you want to reach for a Miller, grab a handful of nuts, or get some drive-thru Spicy Chicken McBites. But, far more important, maybe this list made you want to reach for a cue stick and shoot some billiards. Now that’s a break worth taking.
There is not perfect agreement around the best way to learn to play pool. Some argue one needs just to pick up a cue and start practicing. Others counter that practicing without also reading some books or watching some videos or enlisting the aid of an instructor is time poorly spent.
But, there is probably consensus around what not to do, and that includes learning pool solely by studying its history or by watching its hustlers. These two competing methodologies are part of the humorous storyline of the “Car Pool” episode of Hiccups, a Canadian television series that aired for two seasons on CTV and The Comedy Network.
This August 2011 episode, viewable here, opens with Millie Upton (Nancy Robertson), a successful children’s book author with anger management issues (referred to as “hiccups,” hence the name of the series), shooting the “white asteroid [into] planet 5, [where] it’s heading for the black hole!” She asks herself, “Now, who will die next? Ah, stripey planet 13.”
When her on-screen nemesis, Lewis (Paul Herbert), comes over to mock her ability, she challenges him to a game of 8-ball, or what she refers to as, “Death Space 2000! First one to sink all the stripey or solid planets into the black holes wins, but you can’t kill the evil black planet till the last.”
Lewis beats her badly, prompting Millie to enlist the tutelage of one her co-workers, Taylor (David Ingram), who has “studied billiards for years,” playing everything from 9-ball to the awesomely named Manitoba hobo, as it’s “a good way to show off to chicks without lifting heavy stuff.”
The first bit of wisdom Taylor imparts is that “In billiards, like many other things in life, you’re only as good as your equipment. That’s why you need your own cue [but] you don’t pick the cue, the cue picks you. Like in Harry Potter.” Millie ends up picking an Athena, which she christens Delores, named after a friend who was “skinny as a stick, and bigger on one end.”
But, it becomes frustratingly clear to Millie that even armed with her cue Delores, it will be some time before she gets to use it, as she must first understand billiards’ origins, starting with the fall of the Eastern Roman empire.
Fed up with learning about the “history of chalk,” or that “Mary, Queen of Scots, was buried in her billiard table cover,” Millie stumbles upon a new instructor, Anna (Paula Rivera), who learned the sport at a young age when her father took her to a pool hall, handed her a cue, and said, “start swinging.”
Unfortunately, Anna proves no better than Taylor, as her style of instruction involves going to pool halls, duping local bikers by over-chalking her cue stick, and then bilking them of their money, while Millie observes her hustling techniques from the sideline.
Millie’s exasperation reaches its apex when the two coaches clash for the attention of their pupil. Begging them to stop, she says, “The only reason I wanted to learn pool was to have a little wholesome fun demoralizing and humiliating another human being, but so far, Delores hasn’t even touched one single ball, so you can take your history and your hustling and stuff-o! School’s out!”
The historian and the hustler ultimately reconcile and acknowledge their errant forms of instruction. But, by that time, Millie has picked up a few tips from her original opponent Lewis. In a fitting end to the episode, Millie and Lewis challenge the ex-instructors to a game, which Millie wins by “banking the asteroid off of the far edge of the galaxy and obliterating evil planet eight in the corner.”
Though there’s not a lot of pool shown in “Car Pool,” the Hiccups episode has one of the better and more original billiards storylines I have encountered. It is also one of precious few Canadian entries into the billiard television-movie universe, along with Three-Card Monte (1978), The Understudy: Graveyard Shift II (1988), Behind the Eight Ball (2010), the aquatic billiards “Pool Pool” spoof from Unreel Sports (2008), and the anticipated documentary Manitoba Sharks: We Came to Play.
[NOTE: A special thanks to my Canadian colleague, Bo Peng, whose questioning about Canadian billiard movies led me to review this episode.]
Unlike film remakes, which occur constantly (Annie, Robocop, and Godzilla are shining examples just from 2014), television remakes are a far less frequent phenomena.[1] There have been a few notable examples over the last decade, such as Hawaii Five-O (1968, 2010), Charlie’s Angels (1976, 2011), and Knight Rider (1982, 2008), but otherwise, it’s a rare practice, as most TV remakes fare dismally compared to their pioneering predecessors.
Certainly, one shining example of this unfortunate trend is The New Odd Couple, which was a remake of the multiple, Emmy-nominated series The Odd Couple that ran from 1970 to 1975. The New Odd Couple ran on ABC from 1982-1983 and lasted just 16 episodes. The characters of Felix Unger, the prissy neat-freak, and Oscar Madison, the fun-loving slob, were reprised with an African-American cast, with Ron Glass replacing Tony Randall as Felix and Desmond Wilson replacing Jack Klugman as Oscar.
Of the 16 episodes, 8 were literally carbon copies of episodes from the original 1970s sitcom. That octet included The New Odd Couple –“The Hustler”(November, 1982) billiards episode, which recycled the script from The Odd Couple – “The Hustler” (February, 1973) billiards episode. Unfortunately, I have not been able to locate the newer version of “The Hustler,” or find out more information about it, so I beseech my readers: If you can help me locate this episode, please contact me directly.
It’s ill-fated the series did not find an audience in time, given its starring talent. Ron Glass was coming off eight successful seasons on the Emmy-winning sitcom Barney Miller. Demond Wilson had spent five incredible years playing Lamont, the younger half of the junkyard dealing duo on Sanford & Son. (Billiards enthusiasts take note: there is an enjoyable Sanford & Son episode, “A House is Not a Pool Room,” that is worth watching.) But, after starring in The New Odd Couple, neither Glass nor Wilson had a breakout role again.
Interestingly, there is one other famous television remake that intersects with billiards: The Twilight Zone, a series that multiple producers have attempted to remake, with only limited success. Of course, the original series featured one of the best billiards television episodes of all time – “A Game of Pool.” That 1961 episode was remade in 1989 as “A Game of Pool” (identical except for the completely different and inferior ending) as part of the late-80s revival of the series. The series was then remade again in 2002, only to be cancelled after one season. (This time there was no recycling of the famous billiards episode.)
All of which supports the original observation: tread carefully with television remakes…even with billiards.
[1] I am focusing only on the intra-US market and therefore excluding the common practice of remaking foreign TV shows for the US market (e.g., American Idol, All in the Family) or remaking US shows (e.g., The Golden Girls, Married…With Children) for a foreign market.
The John Doe had suffered blunt force trauma to the face and a stabbing in the neck before being buried alive. The initial clues: a piece of green worsted wool, a copper and zinc alloy in the victim’s wounds, some traces of magnesium and silicon, a tiny shard of glass, and some skin from a coral snake not endemic to the region. All just another day on the job for the Las Vegas criminalists in the recently-aired (December 14, 2014), fifteenth season billiards episode of CSI: Crime Scene Investigation – “Dead Rails,” available to watch here.
Melanie Liburd as Natalie “The Hornet” Barrow
CSI is the second-longest running scripted, non-animated, US, primetime series on the air today. The weekly CBS drama, which features a team of Sin City criminal investigators who rely on forensic science to solve grizzly murders, has even spawned two successful spin-offs, CSI: Miami and CSI: New York. The elements of the hour-long show include mysterious clues; elaborate mixes of forensics, science, logic and deduction; a decent soundtrack; a panoply of Las Vegas denizens, from high-rollers to low-lives; frequent plot twists and red herrings; special guest appearances; goofy one-liners; and a remarkable, if not unbelievable, conclusion.
Sharon Osborne as a pool tournament organizer
CSI – “Dead Rails” is no exception. The episode has everything from the aforementioned opening clues to the casting of media personality and reality star Sharon Osbourne as women’s billiard tournament organizer Elise Massey; from the impractically, scantily attired Melanie Liburd as Natalie “The Hornet” Barrow to a serpentine storyline that involves pool hustlers, shadow corporations, the mob, brothels, and a tinge of postmodern feminism. There are some inane leaps in logic, such as recognizing a shard of glass must be related to a billiards trick shot, and the ending is preposterous, even for CSI standards.
No matter. After 758 episodes, which have included everything from cannibalistic cheerleaders, furry fandom, and extreme bowling, to midnight jousting, sadomasochism, and Star Trek fetishism, the CSIfranchise finally devoted an episode to billiards in “Dead Rails.”
Let’s return to the episode’s initial clues. While most viewers may have associated worsted wool with expensive suits, billiards aficionados know that (green) worsted wool is also top choice for super-smooth, super-fast American pool. Magnesium and silicon are the components of talcum powder, which of course, is a staple for players to keep their hands dry. And, copper and zinc combine to make brass, which is used is in the head of some bridge sticks.
The other two clues are a little more esoteric, if not downright implausible. The snakeskin, as we later learn, comes from the grip of a pool cue. That’s not totally far-fetched, as snakes, lizards and even ostriches have been used to make pool grips, though presumably if the grip were “shedding,” it might be time to retire the cue stick.
The famous champagne trick shot.
The shard of glass, which comes from a champagne flute, is the improbable clue that leads investigator Morgan Brody (Elizabeth Harnois) to make the billiards linkage. She exclaims she’s seen trick shot artists make a “champagne shot,” in which the object ball whizzes through a series of carefully planted champagne flutes without touching a single one. Then, when the trick shot artist nails the shot, “they like to take their stick and smash it through the champagne glasses in victory.” OK, I’ll buy this is a documented trick shot. (You can watch real-world master Florian “Venomn” Kohler perform it in this video at 2:21.) But, the idea the artist then sprays glass all over the table? That’s beyond absurd.
Beau Runnigen makes a cameo.
The champagne flute coda notwithstanding, for the most part, the billiards references sprinkled throughout the episode show that the writers developed a familiarity with, if not a respect for, the history of billiards. There is mention of “pre-ban ivory cues,” the game of one-pocket, and the hustling technique of using one’s own cue ball. The episode’s name, “Dead Rails,” is an insider reference to a bumper intentionally deadened by a hustler to give a home-court advantage. Pool is also reverently equated with chess as a “silent game of war.” Much credit is likely due to Beau Runningen, a West Coast pool player, who worked as a technical advisor on “Dead Rails.” (He also makes a non-speaking cameo as the referee for a tournament match.)
Sure, there is the age-old controversy about whether to equate billiards and hustling in the popular imagination. (This is not a trivial issue given last season’s CSI had a US viewership of almost 12 million, according to Nielsen data.) But, the fact is that billiards and hustling do have an intertwined history. (If you need convincing, check out Freddy “The Beard” Bentivegna’s opus, The “Encyclopedia” of Pool Hustlers.)
Personally, I would gladly indulge public fantasy about the seedy side of pool if it translated into 12 million people getting more excited about the sport. When The Hustlerwas released in 1961, it was estimated that the billiards industry increased by 1000-200%.[1] Maybe CSI – “Dead Rails” could have a fraction of that impact. After all, Sharon Osborne’s character may be fictional, but her sentiment that “billiards popularity is waning” is very, very real.
For most billiards players, the greatest health concerns stemming from the game are Repetitive Motion Injuries (RMI) in the hand and wrist area, which are caused by the sudden and repetitious application of force (using the cue stick) on the forearms, wrists and hand areas. But, for the players who haunt the post-apocalyptic outback of Hard Knuckle, a 1987 made-for-television Australian movie, the far greater concern is the “Knuckle Table,” on which a botched shot means the severing of the top third of one’s finger.
Within this cinematic dystopia, Lex Marinos directs Steve Bisley (mildly memorable for appearing as Jim Goose in Mad Max) as Harry, a nomad garbed in sand-beaten clothes, with silly pool ball earrings and a pet Chihuahua. Finally sober, he has returned to an unnamed town to reclaim his old motorbike and sidecar from Top Dog, the local pool champion who is oddly unintimidating given his stature and reputation in the watering hole where he resides.
Harry learns quickly that he can no longer simply challenge Top Dog to a billiards match. Rather, he has two options. His first option is find an agent, who will put up the minimum $2000 in stake-horse money only then to take 80% of the winnings. His second option is to challenge his opponent to a game on the Knuckle Table, which has a nondescript black domino perched atop it. Players must pocket their balls (all 17, marked with a mix of letters, symbols and numbers) without toppling the domino. If the domino falls, then the player must forfeit the top-third of his finger to a blood-crusted set of pincers, hinged to one end of the table. (This is why friends often ask one another, “Show me your hands!”) Fortunately, a player can resume playing, albeit with a distinctively smaller digit.
Opting to avoid the Knuckle Table, Harry recruits Eddie, a 13-year-old urchin, who may in fact be kin, to be his agent, but is still unable to play Top Dog until he works his way to the top. Though Harry beats his immediate opponent, Pedals, an acquaintance from better days, he is subsequently mugged, and his penury forces him to take his billiards-playing on the road to earn some money through hustling.
In one of the few enjoyable scenes, but one that is also a blatant rip-off from The Hustler, Harry pulls into some urban shanty, where he pretends to be hammered and make an “impossible” shot, thereby duping the regulars to bet their savings if he can repeat it, which, of course, he does.
But, Harry’s next attempt to hustle falls short when he pulls into a more upscale bar with near-topless go-go dancers and a white pool table bordered by glow lights. There, an opportunity to play is thwarted by the arrival of Top Dog, who has been shadowing Harry ever since his exodus from the pool hall. Top Dog, however, had also unwittingly insulted the bar proprietor, and for a brief moment, the only satisfactory resolution appears to be a de-fingering on the Knuckle Table.
Financial problems notwithstanding, Harry helps rescue Top Dog, an act of kindness which benefits him later in the movie when the two nemeses finally do have their billiards match, ironically on the Knuckle Table. That game, unfortunately, like so many other parts of this inane film, makes little actual sense, as Harry willingly sacrifices a digit to remove the domino from the table, and then purposefully scratches at the end, ceding the game to Top Dog.
Hard Knuckle seems to be aiming for a Mad Max meets The Hustler vibe. Instead, the post-apocalyptic setting never feels very uninviting or threatening. (Hell, Top Dog is heckled by a kid with a pea-shooter.) And, the billiards lack cinematic quality, suspense or realism. As one blogger noted, even the Knuckle Table, so prominently featured on the movie’s artwork, is only used twice in the film, and both times, the losing player seems to resume the game unaffected. Toward the end of the movie, Harry says, “Are we going to play pool or are we going to piss around?” Yeah, Hard Knuckle provides an answer…and it’s not about playing pool.
When asked, “What is your favorite billiards movie or TV episode?,” most the writers, actors and directors I have interviewed respond, understandably, by saying The Hustler or The Color of Money. (I would reply the same way.) But, Oliver Crocker, director of the forthcoming snooker film, Extended Rest, surprised me with his answer: “Pot Black,” the Season 6, December, 1970 episode of the British sitcom Steptoe and Son.
At the risk of Anglican dismay, I admit in full transparency that I had never heard of the series, which was broadcast by the BBC from 1962 to 1965, and again from 1970 to 1974. Steptoe and Son focused on the inter-generational conflicts of a father (Wilfrid Brambell) and son (Harry H. Corbett) who run a rag-and-bone (i.e., junk collection) business on Oil Drum Lane, a fictional street in Shepherd’s Bush, London. The series was remade in the US as Sanford and Son.[1]
Like many Steptoe and Son episodes, “Pot Black” featured only the father Albert and the son Harold. The full episode is available to watch here.
http://youtu.be/d4KV9MYkpjE
“Pot Black” begins with Harold’s one-sided decision to bring an old snooker table into the house so that he can rediscover his skills for the game. Albert, characteristically grumpy, believes there is no room for the table in the house, but he is overruled by his son in one of their umpteenth disagreements, who is convinced the table will fit. Moreover, Harold conceives that having a snooker table in the house will finally enable him to beat his father in a game, as history has repeatedly sided with his father, who effortlessly and routinely trounces him in games whenever they compete.
The table, of course, does not fit, albeit the bull-headed Harold refuses to admit it. A comedic sequence ensues with Harold challenging his father to a match and overruling his protestations. But, the game does not go well. Butting up against walls, and forced to take shots leaning in through windows, Harold continues to miscue, potting the cue ball on every shot. (Fans of Seinfeld will recall a similar claustrophobic pool table shtick with Kramer and Frank Costanza at the end of “The Doll” episode.) Eventually, Harold snaps a cue stick in rage, conceding that his game is hamstrung by the lack of space, and then insisting that they continue their match by bringing the snooker table outside.
As the hours go by, both players struggle to make shots and the score remains about even. Albert’s insistence that he will catch pneumonia and his subsequent plea to end the game at 3AM is overruled. Similarly, a lightning storm, which frightens the father and drenches the table, fails to stop the game, though ample squeegeeing is now required in between shots.
Finally, after a seeming eternity, Harold squeaks out a win. After doing a brief victory jig and proclaiming he has a “natural aptitude for the game,” Harold condescendingly offers to give his father “a few lessons tomorrow and show him exactly where he went wrong.” Albert congratulates his son and humbly acknowledges his own inferiority.
[SPOILER ALERT]But when his son walks off, Albert returns to the table, grimacing, and proceeds to make a series of incredible trick shots, revealing to the audience the snooker skills he intentionally did not share with his son, thereby having the last laugh.
The “Pot Black” episode took its name from the BBC televised series Pot Black, which featured annual snooker tournaments held across the United Kingdom from 1969 to 1986. The series transformed snooker from a minority sport played by a few professionals into one of the most popular sports in the United Kingdom. In fact, an interesting linkage between the Pot Black series and the “Pot Black” episode is Sydney Lee, a snooker player from the 1950s, who was both the technical advisor on the snooker sequences in “Pot Black” and a popular referee on the Pot Black series.
[1] In fact, Sanford and Son had a 1973 billiards episode, “A House is Not a Poolroom,”which loosely borrowed from the Steptoe and Son – “Pot Black” episode in that the residence does not have room for a new billiards table.
It is difficult today to conceive the challenge billiards evangelist and promoter Frank Oliva, and his partner, sportscaster “Whispering” Joe Wilson, faced in launching the billiards game-show Ten-Twenty in 1959.
Billiards columnist George Fels captured the time period well: “There was no The Hustler except in fiction form, where it barely created a ripple. There was no Johnson City or its hustlers’ jamborees, therefore no “Minnesota Fats” in the national eye, nor his fabled rivalry with all-time champion Willie Mosconi. In other words, the two men had absolutely no momentum of any kind going for them to support the pitching of their idea.”[1]
Fortunately, Oliva was a hustler – not the pejorative version that has become the archetype of billiards players in movies, but the unwavering type, who would pursue a goal with bottomless passion and courageous conviction.
In describing his mentor and teacher in an AZ Billiards Forum message thread years ago, Scott Lee (of Pool Knowledge) said, “Frank [Oliva] was an innovator, a master teacher…and an all-around good guy, who loved pool…All he ever wanted was to help pool players find a way to make legitimate money at pool, without having to resort to gambling.”
Oliva recognized that for billiards to achieve public popularity, it must expand beyond the pool parlor scene to the television screen. Bowling provided a great analog and forerunner. In the late 1950s, ten-pin bowling went mainstream, entering millions of homes on Friday nights, thanks to hugely popular televised shows like Jackpot Bowling.
The key was how to translate billiards to the television medium. In 1958, Oliva created a new game, Ten-Twenty, that was a variation of classic 14-1 straight pool. Each match consisted of eight innings of play. Each player could score up to 10 points each per inning. In the eighth inning, if a player scored 10 points, he could continue shooting for an extra 20 points. A perfect match score would be 100 points. Fouls would cost 1 point each. The matches were timed and if it ended before the eighth inning, the scores would be taken from the last fully completed inning. The full rules are available here. Oliva’s brilliance was acknowledging the need for time constraints, and then introducing the concept of timed play to professional pool in a way that could substantially, yet fairly, impact the outcome.
But, creating the game was only the first of many challenges. To pitch it to a broadcasting network, Oliva had to prove there was sufficient interest and financial support. Oliva successfully wrangled 82 different billiards parlors from the Chicago area to pitch in. (Many years later, Oliva elaborated, “Brunswick was main sponsor of the show, along with several distributors, manufacturers, and billiards rooms…Some that I remember were Hanson Billiard Mfg, Sydney Laner Co, and National Billiards…we probably had more sponsors than any show since.”[2])
Finally, there was the issue of player support. Unlike future US billiards game shows (i.e. Ballbreakers), Ten-Twenty was not designed for amateurs; it was intended to attract the top players of the era. The lure of playing on television of course helped, but so did the financial rewards. The best players could win more than $1000 ($8,160 inflated in today’s real dollars), or even $5000 for a perfect game. And, since “each week’s winner would return the following week to do battle with a new qualifying top contender, seldom did anyone hold the championship beyond two weeks.”[3]
Frank Oliva
This model would prove successful in attracting a who’s-who among billiards greats. Some of the players that appeared on the show included Joe Procita, Joe Diehl, Don Tozer, Charlie Cacciapaglia, Mike Eufemia, Cisero Murphy, Nick Oliva, “Little” Joey Canton, Jimmy Caras, Willis Covington, “Cowboy” Jimmy Moore, and Irving “The Deacon” Crane.
Armed with a masterful game design, a battalion of sponsors, and a commitment from many of the country’s leading pool-players, Oliva was able to convince WBKB, an ABC affiliate in Chicago, to air Ten-Twenty, starting in 1959. The 30-minute show ran was picked up in many cities, though it never achieved national syndication. Oliva played the role of show producer, referee and player recruiter. His partner, “Whispering” Joe Wilson, who was the Howard Cosell of sports-casting in the 1950s and 1960s, provided the sotto voce play-by-play.
Most of the Ten-Twenty episodes are no longer available (and sadly may no longer exist), but fortunately the entire match between “Cowboy” Jimmy Moore and Irving “The Deacon” Crane is available on YouTube split across five separate clips. You can watch them here.
For those not up on their billiards history, Moore and Crane were two of the world’s best. Moore, a straight-pool master, who was inducted into the Billiard Congress of America’s Hall of Fame in 1994, won the United States National Pocket Billiards Championship in 1958. (He was also a technical advisor on billiards-related scenes in television and film, including My Living Doll and The Family Jewels.) Crane, another straight-pool master, won numerous championships, including six World Crown billiards titles in his career. He was inducted into the Hall of Fame in 1978.
This particular episode not only showcased their incredible skill (a jubilant Wilson remarks at one point, “[That was] one of the greatest shots I’ve ever seen.”), buy also showed how even the greatest can make simple mistakes (check out the rare miss by Crane in Part 4 at 2:33). It also serves as an interesting time capsule, with its public service announcement from top leading man Jeff Chandler about mental illness, which he describes as “America’s number one health problem,” as well as its advertisement for ABC’s new show about the supernatural, Alcoa Presents: One Step Beyond.
Sadly, Ten-Twenty was short-lived, lasting maybe 13 weeks in total.[4] There are scant details available about why the show did not experience the same trajectory of success that occurred in bowling game shows like Jackpot Bowling and Make That Spare. It would require two more years before billiards truly burst into the public imagination with the release of The Hustler in 1961.
Nor was our real hustler, Frank Oliva, deterred for long. His passion for billiards led him to found and organize in the Oliva Women’s Pool League, the country’s most enduring, women’s billiard league. And, his determination to get billiards its deserved national audience also led him back to television in 1967, when he partnered once again with Wilson to launch the game show Minnesota Fats Hustles the Pros.
Exploding eight balls. Multi-ball trick shots. Cats pitching cue balls. Girl-on-girl pool brawls. A young woman shooting billiards in a revealing bunny outfit. Yep, figured by now I had your attention.
Welcome to the imagination of Hiro Mashima, the creator and illustrator of Fairy Tail, a Japanese manga series that was subsequently adapted into an anime series beginning in 2009. The billiards snippets referenced above are from the episode “Moulin Rouge” (“Mūran Rūju”), released on October 11, 2014, toward the end of the series’ fifth season. The full episode is available to watch here.
Both in its original manga (Japanese comic book) and subsequent anime (Japanese animated art form) format, Fairy Tail is aimed at the shōnen demographic, which is a broad male audience, though the target age range is probably 12-18 years old. As such, the anime features strong male characters, attractive young women with gravity-defying proportions, tight-knit teams, and plenty of high-action battle sequences.
https://youtu.be/m3nQvPr-Tz4
Fairy Tail follows the adventures of the excessively curvaceous 17-year-old wizard, Lucy Heartfilia,[1] after she joins the Fairy Tail wizards’ guild and partners with Natsu Dragneel, who is searching for his missing foster father. Over time, the team expands to many wizards, including Erza Scarlet, an equally sexy, buxom wizard who is widely considered to be the most powerful female member of the guild.
The “Moulin Rouge” episode begins with two of the Fairy Tail Guild wizards, Gray Fullbuster and Juvia Lockser, returning from a job with a new pool table, courtesy of an appreciative client. Gray, showing off not only his chiseled physique but also his otherworldly pool prowess, proceeds to make a series of incredible shots, wowing his fellow wizards and causing Juvia to ask aloud whether he will “poke [her] with his cue stick next.”
Natsu, less familiar with the subtleties of pool, also picks up a cue stick, but confusing the game with baseball, starts smacking pool balls around the hall, causing considerable havoc and wizardly mischief. The hullabaloo wakes reigning ass-kicker and S-class swordsman Erza Scarlet, who recounts the tale of her first introduction to billiards.
The episode then flashes back to Erza some time ago walking into a pool hall. The hall’s gaggle of male patrons, unaware that Erza is a wizard, jape that pool may be “difficult for a woman.” Confronted with such derision, Erza makes a questionable costume change (though not questionable to the series’ pubescent viewers) into a revealing bunny costume that even Hugh Hefner might endorse. Then, picking up the cue stick and channeling her wizardly pool-playing power, she – literally – breaks the pool balls.
The pool hall schlubs, unsure whether to ogle in her presence or duck for cover, start screaming willy-nilly only when they glance her Fairy Tail guild tattoo. Coincidentally, there is another female wizard that has been recently claiming membership to the guild and stealing from the local proprietors.
Outraged by the notion of a bandit masquerading as a guild member, Erza opts to shed the bunny for a hot waitress outfit and goes next door to the sweets shop to confront the green-haired, scantily-clad, uber-bodacious impersonator known as Mulan Rouge.[2] Unfazed by Erza’s cease-and-desist threats, Mulan naturally fights back by stealing Mulan’s panties (?!) and leaving the scene. Additional fighting ensues, including Erza punching Mulans’ head through the pool hall wall and deflecting Mulan’s bullets with her sword, while simultaneously pocketing billiards balls. Ultimately, Erza extracts a confession from Mulan that her real name is Bisca Mulan, a destitute immigrant who feigns a Fairy Tale guild affiliation in order to make ends meet and feed her sick friend (and mouse) Sonny, which hides in her cleavage.
Fortunately, Erza takes pity on Mulan and extends an invitation for her to join the Fairy Tail guild if she’ll renounce her lawless ways. That’s when the flashback ends and we see Bisca, now with long green hair and perhaps even skimpier outfits, reunited with Erza and reminiscing about their first encounter, which leads to them once more playing pool.
As the popularity of anime increases, it will be interesting to see how it intersects with billiards. Until recently, the only “game” in town was Death Billiards, a 26-minute psycho-fantastic film from Madhouse Studios that released in March 2013. Then, one week after A-1 Pictures and Satelight aired the “Moulin Rouge” episode of Fairy Tail, A-1 Pictures aired a billiards episode of Magic Kaito 1412 entitled “Hustler vs Magician.” And on Halloween this year, Madhouse Studios set the Twitterverse aflame with the announcement that Death Billiards would become the basis for a new televised anime series called Death Parade in 2015.
[1] Lucy’s presumed measurements are a 37-inch bust, 23-inch waist, and 36-inch hips. In comparison, Barbie’s measurements are probably a 36-inch bust, 18-inch waist, and 33-inch hips.
[2] Mulan Rouge is not only a variation of the Baz Luhrmann Moulin Rouge musical with Nicole Kidman, but also the spiritual birthplace of the modern form of the can-can, a seductive dance originally introduced by courtesans.
After experiencing a significant dry spell, billiards movies and television series are poised to make a resounding comeback, starting in 2015. Just last week, the Twitterverse lit up like a glowstick with the announcement that the anime short film Death Billiards would be released in 2015 as a TV anime series entitled Death Parade. David Barroso has been working feverishly to bring his billiards crime drama 8-Ball to the film festival circuit in 2015. Documentarian Angel Levine is aiming to bring her seven-year film opus, Raising the Hustler, to Sundance in 2015. And, across the ocean, director Oliver Crocker is hoping his new snooker film, Extended Rest, will hit screens in 2015.
Best of all, for billiards cinephiles, it might be an extended honeymoon. In 2016, pool movie-lovers should brace themselves for the fingers-crossed release of Ride the 9, a hardcore billiards film from director/producer Blake West and actor/executive producer Jordan Marder. Many may remember first hearing about Ride the 9 back in 2011, when the film’s two-minute teaser, complete with killer soundtrack, gritty New Orleans set locations, and jaw-dropping trick shots courtesy of Florian “Venom” Kohler, first made the YouTube rounds.
Billiards fans were salivating everywhere, posting comments that were some variation of the following: “OMG, I would watch this in a heartbeat.” For the next two years, aficionados regularly monitored the film’s preproduction. But, starting July 2013, the film’s principals became relatively radio-silent, and it looked like Ride the 9 could become “the great film that never was.”
Well, thank the pool gods, Mr. West and Mr. Marder are back, with a passion, commitment, improved story, and better financing to help Ride the 9 crash-land onto the silver screen. I had the pleasure of interviewing Mr. West and Mr. Marder a few weeks ago, and am now 10 times more jazzed for the film’s eventual release.
For starters, these guys – especially Mr. Marder – have pool in the blood. Proving the suggestive power of the medium of film, Mr. Marder was first introduced to pool around the age of 14 by watching The Color of Money and The Hustler, which then led him to spend the next decade lurking in Bronx pool halls, where he “challenged every guy in 9-ball…and lost constantly.” Eventually, he got “sucked into pool” and experienced enough “sketchy situations” to have the resolve not to make Ride the 9 about the underbelly of billiards, but rather about the sport’s heroics.
According to Mr. West, the exact origin for Ride the 9 was a pool game five years ago in New Orleans at Le Bon Temps Roule. (Author’s Note: this is the same Magazine Street watering hole where I honed my pool game for many years. Thumbs up.) “I had just safetied Jordan, when he did an incredible masse shot to sink the 8 ball. Seeing he was such a good player, we decided we needed to do a pool movie,” explained Mr. West.
The basic story of Ride the 9 is that Ethan (Jordan Marder), a pool hustling prodigy who mysteriously disappeared a decade ago, suddenly shows up in New Orleans seeking redemption, only to find an insidious sociopath hell bent on revenge. The title refers to the lingo used in 9-ball when a player goes for the high-risk, high-reward shot of caroming a ball into the 9-ball for a win, rather than trying to run the balls in low-to-high sequential order. Thus, “riding the nine” can be associated with desperation. Or, as Mr. Marder explains, “Riding the nine is about taking chances…learning to go for it without being reckless. That’s the lesson of the film.”
But, the reason behind my titillation is less the story, and more the intersection of three core elements at the heart of great billiards movies: the billiards-playing, the locale, and the music.
Mr. Marder assured me that audiences will see as much pool-playing in Ride the 9 as they saw in The Color of Money. (In other words, a helluva lot pool!) Though the film is “not about pool, pool is integral to the story…it’s the glue.” That’s one of the reasons he reached out early to Florian Kohler. The innovative trick shot legend was happy to help by doubling as Ethan for some key shots. Though Mr. Kohler won’t have a big role in the film, he will be involved in the final tournament sequence, and hopefully will serve as a technical advisor, as well. Other pool players will also make cameos, though none are yet booked, as the film will be “a nod to people who know pool,” according to Mr. West. Added Mr. Marder, “I don’t want any pool player to say that’s not right. We want real authenticity.”
As the idea for the film was birthed in New Orleans, Mr. Marder and Mr. West have decided to film the rest of the movie in the Crescent City, too (and even have named one of their characters Big Easy). This makes it only the second billiards movie in the last 35 years, behind The Baltimore Bullet, a terribly made billiards movie with a high profile cast, to use New Orleans as a primary venue. According to Mr. West, the “story was born there. New Orleans has the gritty feeling we’re going for. Its soul is from New Orleans.” (Ironically, though, the bulk of the pool sequences were shot at Buffalo Billiards in Metairie, the suburban, antiseptic neighbor to New Orleans.)
And then there is the music. Mr. Marder has said that using great music is critical for the movie. If the use of “Young Men Dead” by the Black Angels, a psychedelic rock band from Austin, in the teaser is any indication, then we should expect a film propelled by an explosive soundtrack.
Still, 2016 is a long way away, and the duo are candid that while they have generated some significant equity to produce a film with a $1-2million budget, and not some “super indy film,” there are still a lot of things that have to go right. As Mr. Marder shared, “our dream scenario is to be in pre-production in early 2015, shooting late spring and early summer, then the joy of post-production, [in order for the]movie to be distributed in mid-2016.”
That’s our dream as well.
To stay engaged in the progress of Ride the 9, you can go to the film’s website or follow Jordan Marder (@jordansmarder) and Blake West (@blakewest) on Twitter.
In 2008, New Hampshire artists John Herman and Ryan Plaisted had the crackpot idea to launch a musical web series that anthropomorphized a cheeseburger, French fries, and a bottle of ketchup. Or, more precisely, they swapped the heads of two men and a woman with these three staples of our Fast Food Nation, and asked the three friends to otherwise go about their daily lives. The series was called Odd Noggin Land. It debuted on December 15, 2008…and lasted for just seven episodes. (Hey, the television show Lawless with the Boz lasted just one episode.)
The fourth episode of Odd Noggin Land, entitled “Pool Shark,” is 200 seconds of inanity, an online goulash of unenjoyable song lyrics, lame jokes, jackleg billiards, and overgrown vittles. The show begins with Cheeseburger losing a game of pool to Fries, who can now use the winnings to “get his mole removed.” Cheeseburger wants a rematch, but now cashless, he must bet his Chevette. Fries takes an early lead and it looks like Cheeseburger will be walking until the game is interrupted by Ketchup, who laments, “I can’t take [cheeseburger] anywhere without you playing pool and gambling.” Trying to save his sesame seed buns, she wagers her car against Fries’. She seizes the cue stick, and though her grip and stance are abominable, she runs the table. Cheeseburger rejoices by taunting, “Show me the money;” webisode watchers everywhere cringe as the pop-up speech bubble points out that this is the second Tom Cruise reference. (I think you can guess from what movie the first reference came.)
