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Break (2024)

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Break (2024).v2After watching Break, Will Wernick’s tedious and hackneyed film that released earlier this year, I asked ChatGPT to create the most cliched billiards movie possible. The similarities to Break were striking, but not surprising.

Break follows the story of Eli King, a twenty-something from Southfield, Michigan, who balances multiple jobs while caring for his family. His life takes a dramatic turn after a game of 8-ball with a local frat boy turns violent. He is suddenly thrust into Detroit’s billiards underbelly, where shady characters and doting old-timers spend their days and nights at the Loving Touch Pocket Billiards hall. There, he discovers his runaway father’s legacy as a pool legend. He embarks on a transformative journey, which will encompass highs and lows, love and violence, and, of course, the ultimate, winner-takes-all match of 9-ball against evil Jimmy, the man responsible for forcing his father to leave town.

ChatGPT pitched me the (fake) movie Cue of Destiny. “Small-town prodigy Jake Daniels reluctantly enters the high-stakes world of underground billiards to escape his dead-end life, guided by his estranged father, a disgraced pool hustler. Facing colorful rivals and his own insecurities, Jake must overcome impossible odds to take on Vincent “Viper” Kane, the man who destroyed his father’s career. With a heart-stopping final shot, Jake redeems his family’s name, wins the championship, and forges his own path as a legend in the making.”

Aside from the fact that Cue of Destiny is at least an original title, as opposed to Break, which may have cribbed its title from Sam Elkins’ superior billiards movie Break (2020), the two movies read like cinematic kissing cousins. Their shared DNA consists of every recycled billiards trope, two-dimensional character, and watered-down plot idea imaginable.

Break (2024)Taking the comparison a step further, I asked ChatGPT for some sample dialogue from Cue of Destiny. The billiards screenwriter in the ether replied,”Pool ain’t just about sinking balls, kid. It’s about controlling the table. Same as life—if you don’t own the table, someone else will own you.” 

As for Break, the three-person writing team scripted a similarly clichéd zinger, “Learn how to play the game or the game will play you…Keep your life clean, the game will work out.”

The shame is if you remove the derivative dialogue, the cardboard characters, and the atrocious acting from the lead (Darren Weiss, who is also the executive producer), you’re left with a film that genuinely seems to enjoy billiards, or at least, the filming of billiards. 

A variety of camera angles and filming techniques were used to capture the motion of the balls and the beauty of pocketing shots. There are some great bank shots, some well-crafted shot sequences, and a particularly sweet double bank shot with just the right amount of English. 

We know director Will Wernick likes billiards, or at least terrorizing people in upside down pool halls, as evidenced in his 2017 horror flick Escape Room. But, more likely, credit goes to cinematographer Akis Konstantakopoulos and editor Daniel Gibb, as well as billiards coaches (and presumably technical advisors) Steve Sherman and Spencer Ladin. (According to an interview with Weiss, Ladin also spent about three hours a day, three days a week for three months teaching Weiss how to shoot billiards.) Sportsman Family Billiards in Englewood, Los Angeles, also proved a great locale as the venue standing-in for Loving Touch Pocket Billiards.

Other callouts go to actress Braedyn Burner, who makes the most of her flimsy character Millie, the overnight love interest of Eli, and veteran actor Jeff Kober, who plays evil Jimmy. Kober is an Emmy-winning actor (General Hospital), who played a number of unredeemable and far more memorable characters in shows such as Sons of Anarchy, The Walking Dead, and Out of Bounds. He’s the C-list headliner for Break, much like Rutger Hauer was the marquis (and more recognizable) name that helped the other Break (2020) stand out from the billiards pack.

Unfortunately, neither a few good actors, nor an affinity for billiards, can save this otherwise miserable movie from the billiards trash-heap. To quote ChatGPT one more time, “I guess some tables just aren’t meant to be won.” The same is true for billiards movies.

Break is available to stream on Amazon Prime. You can watch the trailer below.

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Be Careful of the #FakeBilliardsMovie Scam

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The news is overflowing with headlines about scams. “Real estate scams are on the rise,” declares Fox News. “Rental scams are on the rise,” says Forbes.  “Investment scams,” “Employment scams,” and “Facebook scams” are all soaring.

And those are the obvious ones. We’re also seeing rises in “Homecoming mum scams,” “Toll payment scams,” and, heaven forbid, “Pig butchering scams,” to name just a few news-grabbers.

Yet, somehow within this swamp of scams, scant attention has been given to a trend that I first highlighted in 2017, and again two years ago: the #FakeBilliardsMovie scam. It wears many guises, but beneath its mask of misinformation, the FakeBilliardsMovie is a cultural con artist, a cinematic charlatan, a billiards bilker. 

Look at this latest set of 15 visual sirens, but hold onto the rail and don’t get lured. Join the crusade and help me banish these bunco artists of the baize. (All summaries are courtesy of IMDB.)

Ard al Khof15. Land of Fear (original title: Ardh el-Khof)

For a fleeting moment, I felt like Howard Carter must have in 1922 when he discovered King Tut’s tomb. After years of searching, I had stumbled across Ardh el-Khof, the first Egyptian billiards movie known to man (or, at least, to me). But, this unearthing proved a hoax. Beneath the billiards artifice, this 1999 film is about a police officer who is assigned to a secret mission as an undercover drug dealer and slowly loses his identity. So, it’s not only a sham, but a ripoff of the exceptional Deep Cover. #FakeBilliardsMovie

 

On Time14. On Time

No doubt, Lilly Rikhter is multi-talented. Award-winning actress. Model. DJ. Thai boxer and powerlifter. Fitness bikini champion. But, even with all those accomplishments under her belt, and – let’s call it what it is – her assets on display, that’s not enough to give On Time a second look, especially when it shamelessly snookers you into thinking it’s a billiards film. On the contrary, this 2023 Spanish short film is about a woman framed for murder and her attempt to distance herself from the crime.  #FakeBilliardsMovie

 

Bitterroot13. Bitterroot

In southwestern Montana, between the Bitterroot Range and Sapphire Mountains, lies the Bitterroot Valley. This area is not only the primary shooting location for the TV series Yellowstone, but also ground zero for the eponymous Western Noir short film, currently in post-production. Bitterroot looks like it’s where time forgot to pass. Somewhere between that wagon wheel and the pool table a billiards movie awaits with a slow drawl and a mean draw…except apparently not. Rather, this film is about some local townsfolk who are split over how to handle the disappearance of a greedy businessman.  #FakeBilliardsMovie 

Cue Ball12. Cue Ball (original title: Pitok)

The blood-stained cue stick separating the cue ball from the other balls had me crossing fingers that the 2022 Iranian movie Cue Ball was some kind of Agatha Christie / Walter Tevis cinematic stepchild. The enigmatic characters seem unruffled by whatever horror transpired on this table. But, more likely, the billiards is a red herring. The movie, about a young man named Ala who carries a big wound from his past, appears to have nothing to do with billiards. The only “break” you’ll hear in this film is from characters “breaking” away from family traditions and overbearing relatives.  #FakeBilliardsMovie 

La frígida y la viciosa11. Frigid Fantasies (original title: La Frígida y La Viciosa)

Almost 50 years before 50 Shades of Grey had Anastasia Steele playing naughty S&M games with Christian Grey, Spanish director Carlos Aured was making his own risque, softcore movie filled with sexual games and experiments. Aured’s film is about an attractive woman who introduces a married couple to a new sexual life. Hard to imagine what kind of game entails shooting billiards balls at the nether regions of a woman tied supine to a table, but I’m pretty confident it’s not one of standard billiards variants.  #FakeBilliardsMovie

 

Naanum Rowdy Dhaan Naanum Rowdy Dhaan.v210. Naanum Rowdy Dhaan

The marketers of Naanum Rowdy Dhaan apparently couldn’t limit their lies to one poster; they doubled-down on their duplicities, spreading their half-truths across two posters.  This 2015 Indian Tamil-language romantic action comedy film couldn’t give two billiards balls about the sport, contrary to the posturing of the film’s stars Vijay Sethupathi and Nayanthara.  Oddly-held cue sticks notwithstanding, the movie is about the son of a police inspector, who becomes involved in illegal activities and falls in love with a deaf woman on a quest to get revenge against a ruthless gangster.  #FakeBilliardsMovie

Juke Joint9. Juke Joint

Between 1915 and the early 1950s, more than 500 “race films” were created and produced outside the Hollywood system for black audiences and featured black casts. Juke Joint is a 1947 Bert Goldberg race film. Like most of those 500+ films, this one was assumed lost. The good news is a print was found in a warehouse in 1983; the bad news is that its unearthing was accompanied by such a misleading lobby card. Never mind that the pictured table seems to be missing quite a few colored balls. The greater outrage is that the movie is not about billiards; it’s about a con artist and his dim-witted sidekick who hustle their way into a boarding house where they are entrusted to give “poise lessons” to an aspiring beauty queen named Honey Dew.  #FakeBilliardsMovie

Deux Soeurs8. Deux Soeurs

French Polynesia is known for its stunning beaches and resorts, not its film output.  Its island Tahiti has been the location for many films (e.g., Point Break, Soul Surfer, Mutiny on the Bounty), but the country of origin for a film? Not too often. That’s why I was initially giddy to discover Deux Souers, a French Polynesia short film released in 2022.  The poster suggests mystery, secrets, control, and of course, billiards. After all, the billiards table literally foregrounds the entire picture! Yet, the poster ultimately delivers only disappointment, as in, “I’m super disappointed that this movie, which has a character recounting her sister’s story, from her rebirth as a woman to the assault that will lead to her death, has absolutely zero to do with billiards.”  #FakeBilliardsMovie

Iya Aimodi7. Iya Aimodi

Eight thousand miles away from Hollywood a completely different, vibrant film industry exists within Nigeria. It’s called Nollywood, and it releases more than 2500 films per year. In 2023, one of those films was Iya Aimodi, and from the looks of the poster, it was about a whole different type of action happening on the billiards table.  Whether the nookie is real, the billiards is not, unfortunately. This Yoruban movie is about a woman who infiltrates the marriage of a young couple by posing as a maid so she can claim vengeance and justice for past wrongs. Yeah, that’s precisely what jumps out at me from this poster!?!  #FakeBilliardsMovie

Split The6. The Split

After filming the spectacular The Dirty Dozen in 1967, Jim Brown, Donald Sutherland, and Ernest Borgnine reunited one year later, along with Warren Oates, Jack Klugman, Julie Harris, and Gene Hackman, to film The Split. Based on a half-million dollar heist that goes sideways when the money disappears and the crew start blaming one another, the movie sounds fantastic…so why did the marketers need to taint it with this ridiculous lobby card? I’m not sure which is the greater crime: the stolen $500,000 or Jim Brown’s risible bridge. And for an extra 100 C-notes, please explain why there appear to be two 14-balls on the table.  #FakeBilliardsMovie

Squadra antiscippo5. Squadra Antiscippo

If I were to update my blog post, “Top 10 Billiards Brawls,” I might need to swap in Squadra Antiscippo, a 1976 Italian police drama, that appears to provide a healthy dose of pool pandemonium. Does that guy in the blue jeans really have a cue ball in his mouth? But, bedlam aside, this is not a billiards movie; it’s a film about an undercover cop who finds and arrests a series of purse snatchers until he discovers an American at the top of an evil ring of thieves.  #FakeBilliardsMovie

Vozrast Iyubvi4. Age of Love (original title: Возраст любви)

Lasting only four episodes, this 2016 Russian melodrama TV series focused on Igor and Olga, two unremarkable and unrelated individuals who have a chance encounter in a sanatorium, where each of them wanted to find peace from the bustle of everyday reality. Here, they awaken to a new world of happiness and unknown feelings, which seems to include a meet-cute where the man stereotypically shows the woman how to aim a shot in a game of Russian pyramid. I hope she becomes as good as Anastasia Luppova; otherwise I’m decrying this Russian ruse. #FakeBilliardsMovie

Yoon Yul ah's Three Cushion3. Yoon Yool-Ah’s Three Cushion

We’re knee-deep into global examples of movie marketers misleading audiences with their underhanded usage of billiards imagery. The panache of pool can beguile the best of us into watching anything: cheesy rom-coms, melodramatic morality tales, cop stories, Westerns, comic book capers, you name it. But, I think the 2019 South Korean film Yoon Yool-Ah’s Three Cushion takes the prize. Yep, it’s a Korean porno. So, the next time someone says, “Sex sells,” remember: “Billiards sells, too.” #FakeBilliardsMovie

 

Hermosa Justicia2. Hermosa Justicia

I don’t want to overreact to the poster of the 2023 Costa Rican film Hermosa Justicia. After all, this is the country of pura vida. Besides, billiards and leather-clad superheroines sounds like a great combination shot. But, this story of two costumed women uniting to take down the villainous Dr. Olman, who has recently escaped from prison, has as much to do with billiards as Catwoman had to do with good movie-making. It’s cinematic capriccio, a case of disguised identity, just like our two masked crusaders. #FakeBilliardsMovie

1. Bones | Big Bang Theory

Bones Tv SeriesBig Bang TheoryHere’s my rule: if you’re going to market a TV show with billiards, feature the sport in at least one episode. Maybe I can cut Bones some slack. The Fox series aired in 2005-2006 and only had 22 episodes. At least one scene featured FBI Agent Seeley Booth burning the midnight oil in a pool hall. But, there’s no forgiving The Big Bang Theory, that primetime juggernaut with 279 episodes and average viewership often north of 15 million. If a short film can be made about Isaac Asimov’s sci-fi story “The Billiard Ball,” and multiple TV shows can discuss the physics of pool, then surely Sheldon Cooper can pick up a cue stick just once and give the game a quantum physics makeover. #FakeBilliardsMovie

So, where do we go from here? Call the FTC to report false advertising? Reach out to Scambusters? I’ve read naked potholing can be an effective protest strategy (at least in Saskatchewan).  I’m admittedly a bit dejected from trying to denounce this dupery for the past seven years, but I have another idea: grab some popcorn and check out any of the 300+ legitimate billiards movies, TV shows, short films and web episodes! 

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Don’t Keep Us Waiting: A List of Billiards Movies In Production

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Last Thursday, the news broke on British media outlets that a new movie on snooker superstar Jimmy White is forthcoming. The details were scant, though the story revealed that actor Ray Winstone is confirmed to play the Whirlwind’s manager, presumably Harvey Lisberg. 

Jimmy White The One and OnlyWhile the hard-partying, hellraiser has been the subject of multiple documentaries (e.g., Jimmy White: Close to the Wind; Jimmy White: The One and Only) and has even appeared in a couple of billiards movies (i.e., Legend of the Dragon; Perfect Break), this unnamed film would be the first biopic featuring him.

Mr. White’s wild life, combined with the cinematic horsepower of Mr. Winstone, sounds too good to be true. But, the real question is whether the film will ever get made?

Arguably, there was similar excitement on this side of the ocean five years ago when Variety announced that the Lagralane Group and United Film House had secured rights to the manuscript detailing the life of billiard champion Cisero Murphy. But, there’s been nary a peep since that release.

As we wait for updates on the White and Murphy movies, it’s worth taking inventory of other up-and-coming billiards films. The films listed below are all currently in some amorphous state of production, whatever that means in practice. Some may never get made, such as the once ballyhooed Ride the 9; others may one day make the leap from green baize to silver screen. We can only hope.

Mr Doom

Mr Doom.v2After interviewing director Leif Johnson almost a year ago about his forthcoming English billiards dramedy Mr Doom, I’ve been waiting for signs this film would make it to the big screen. Good news! Next week, it’s showing at the Northampton Film House as part of their film festival. The movie “follows the exploits of two men: one a professional hustler and the other a professional f**k-up. Both living on the fringes of society, day to day, bar to bar, hustle to hustle. Godlike with a pool cue in their hands but a total disaster in every other area of their lives. We follow this unlikely pair on a dangerous path of self-destruction, in a world of their own design, with the hope of making easy money.” My full interview with Mr. Johnson is available here.

8-Ball: A Pool Hall Western

A few years ago, I caught up with Brett Dameron and Kathleen Burke, the founders of BearWolf Creations, and the writers of the screenplay 8-Ball: A Pool Hall Western, which was a semi-finalist for the 2021 Academy Awards Nicholl Fellowship. They shared that their post-apocalyptic movie subverts the Western genre by putting all the components in a pool hall and having people live in tribal societies which are ruled by the best pool players. The film’s major event is a do-or-die three-day long pool tournament. I shared with them that it sounds like the Australian billiards movie Hard Knuckle, though hopefully much (much) better. Now they just need to raise “five to 10 million dollars” and cast a big star, like “Chris Evans or Jason Mamoa.” 

Life Behind the Eight Ball

Life Behind the Eight BallDrew Jordan and Nick Davaine approached their documentary by asking “what is pool?” to amateur and professional billiards players. Their goal was to discover a different side of pool and grow the sport’s community, rather than let the persona of the “grimy pool hustler” dictate the game’s image. Among the players promised to appear in Life Behind the Eight Ball are Danny Smith, Ronnie Wiseman, and Robb Saez. The producers created this teaser video, and then launched a campaign on Indiegogo that unfortunately didn’t generate much outside funds. While this film may be in permanent pool purgatory, Mr. Davaine shared with me via email (in 2020) that he does eventually expect filming to resume.

Girls Can’t Play Pool

With its provocative yo-bro title, Girls Can’t Play Pool promises to run headfirst into some familiar billiards stereotypes. Unfortunately, little is known about the film, other than its logline, “Two female pool hustlers team up to win more money than either could alone – but their growing friendship is tested when the lure of easy money is eclipsed by the dangers of the road.” Jonathan Teplitsky, the Australian director behind Churchill (2017) and The Railway Man (2013), appears to be the movie’s director, but as of now, he seems more focused on making a sequel to his 2023 crime comedy Gettin’ Square.

Extraction, USA

Extraction USAAccording to IMDB, Extraction USA is in post-production, having already shown at a few festivals and snagged some awards. So, fingers crossed that we’ll soon get to watch Mike Yonts’ movie about two women, a single mom bartender (Marni) and a drifter (Steph), who hatch schemes to hustle the town’s elite in billiards. But when the women uncover a drug ring with the potential for a much bigger score, they believe it presents a path to escape the town of Extraction. Learn more on the film’s website and check out the film’s trailer.

 

Sapphire

Another newsbreak – this one in February, 2021. Barry Keoghan – aka The Riddler (The Batman) aka Oliver Quick (Saltburn) aka Dominic Kearney (his Oscar-nominated role from The Banshees of Inisherin) – would star in a forthcoming UK drama-thriller called Sapphire. According to the articles, “Mr. Keoghan will play a world-champion snooker player plagued by gambling addiction who escapes to China in search of a fresh start only to become indebted to illegal bookmakers and forced into a mortal dilemma; throw the biggest match of his life or save his soul.” Filming was supposed to start that fall, but three years later, there hasn’t even been an online whisper about the film. 

The Rematch

Rematch TheIn 2020, producer Len Evans released the snooker film Perfect Break, which I derided in my review as a “perfect bust.” Incredulously, it appears that Mr. Evans may be pursuing a sequel with The Rematch. Like Perfect Break, the film promises appearances by snooker household names Jimmy White and John Virgo, as well as the actor John Altman. However, as anyone knows who suffered through Perfect Break, Mr. White and Mr. Virgo had three minutes of stilted dialogue, literally done as talking heads. While it’s dubious The Rematch will live up to its tagline, “A comedy with balls,” I will give Mr. Evans credit: it takes balls to make a follow-up to Perfect Break. If you want to help make this “dream a reality” and support the film’s development, learn more here.

The Ruby Lion

Dmitry Lesnevskiy Jr. is a film director and a 2020 NYU Tisch School of the Arts graduate. Having directed multiple short films and music videos, he is now crowdfunding to complete his forthcoming billiards short film, The Ruby Lion. The movie is “the story of not only the unresolved conflict between a father and son, but the purification of one’s soul in purgatory.” If that’s not confusing enough, try this, “Having never lost a game of pool in over twenty years, a retired world 9-Ball Champion, Reuben “Ruby Howard” finally faces a worthy opponent. But the eerily persistent challenger confronts the legends’ love for the game, resulting in the ultimate sacrifice.” Yeah, I dunno either. But, at least the teaser shows clips from billiards movies Stickmen and The Baron and the Kid.

Billiards: Year One 

Billiards 101After successfully adapting their stage play Billiards into the 2020 short film Billiards, Jon Cooper and Quan Malik Jones are now turning their attention to adapting their film into a television series called Billiards: Year One. It’s hard not to get on the Jon-and-Quan train, when you hear them wax philosophical about the sport. “Billiards can uplift and empower other creatives, particularly those we affectionately refer to as the underdogs…[Billiards] is a force that transcends boundaries, a catalyst for change, and a testament to the transformative power of storytelling.” While their GoFundme campaign has ended, you can follow their efforts at their website.

 

White Goods

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Many years before portraying iconic characters, such as New York Continental owner Winston Scott (John Wick), saloon owner and pimp Al Swearengen (Deadwood), and crafty conman Mr. Wednesday (American Gods), Ian MacShane played Ian Deegan, a Nottingham demolitions expert with a penchant for snooker, in the 1994 UK TV movie White Goods.

Ian McShaneFew people have heard of the movie. Among those that have, it’s seemingly because Mr. MacShane has sex on a snooker table with a 24-year-old Rachel Weisz, still 12 years before her Supporting Actress Oscar. (No nudity, but lots of balls are unintentionally pocketed.)

But, don’t let the lack of familiarity with the film intimidate you. If you can find it – which is a big “if,” as I had to source White Goods on a rare film site that sent me an unmarked, burned DVD – then it’s well worth the watch.

Ian Deegan is rough, gruff, loud, and proud. He’s a boozer, a flirt, and a relatively decent snooker player. The yin to his yang is Charlie Collins (Lenny Henry), a soft-spoken teacher, who paints, excels at trivia, sips his drinks, and steers clear of the baize. They’re black and white neighbors in a blue-collar neighborhood, where surface differences don’t interfere with solid friendships.

Opportunity comes knocking in their working class hamlet when the producers of the game show Snooker Challenge have a last-minute cancellation and need to find a pair of new contestants. Thrust into the hurly-burly of the Lenton Lane Social and Snooker Club, the show’s producers settle on Deegan and Collins. It’s a quotidian decision for the producers, but it’s potentially game-changing for Deegan and Collins’ families, who imagine their lives transformed as a result of winning all those ‘white goods’ (i.e., historically white appliances such as washing machines, fridge-freezers, tumble dryers and dishwashers.)

White Goods 09And, boy, do they win! After a well-played first round when “points are prizes,” the blokes earn quite the booty, such as a month’s supply of white rum and white wine, plus a year’s supply of white cleaning powder. In round two, Deegan defeats the show’s snooker champ and former Crucible winner Paul Ryan. Finally, in the ultimate Pot of Gold round, Collins seemingly defies the odds by correctly answering why Van Gogh painted old boots during his Paris period.

Snooker Challenge is entertaining cinema, but it’s a brilliant lampoon of the British trivia-and-sports game shows that premiered in the ‘80s and ‘90s.  Its most obvious target is Big Break, in which teams competed in a series of rounds in which one contestant’s success answering questions translated into advantages for that contestant’s teammate on the snooker table. Similar real shows included Full Swing (golf), and the genre’s progenitor Bullseye (darts). 

The parodizing digs deep with its mockery of the game show’s (white good) prizes, imbecilic contestants, a toffee-nosed producer (who refers to the Lenton Lane Snooker Club as a scene out of Jurassic Park 2), a solipsistic snooker champ, and a dim-witted production assistant. But, it really sharpens its fangs with the portrayal of Mickey Short (Chris Barrie), the foul-mouthed Snooker Challenge host, who has a rat-a-tat stream of one-liners disparaging the game show’s prize girl, Lucy Diamond, a former Page 3 glamor model. “Juicy Lucy,” “Lucy with long legs, watch them go,” and “Oh, bounciest one,” are just some of the misogynistic monikers he snipes at her with glee.

White Goods isn’t content to limit its satire to game shows. Though not as sharp-toothed as some better known late-80s/early-90s send-ups of consumerism (e.g., They Live; Falling Down), the film’s final third pivots from game show to neighbor wars, as the outcome of Snooker Challenge is questioned and suggested to be rigged. Deegan and Collins, and even more so, their wives, become locked in a bitter rivalry over who deserves all the show’s spoils. 

The formerly friendly families trade barbs as they try to outmaneuver one another for the prizes, once they are delivered. Selfish comments, such as, “Where is my microwave?,” escalate into hurtful insults that sting of classism and prejudice. The tension overflows as Deegan resorts to storing the white goods in his shed and wiring them with a detonative device, lest the Collins family try to steal them back. 

It is only once the families children start mimicking their parents and trading blows over the mounds of merchandise do the mothers realize their avarice has gone too far. I won’t give away the ending, but let’s just say it’s pretty explosive.

O’Reilly’s Luck

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Pat RobinsI’d love to ask Pat Robins why she chose to make snooker the focus of her 1989 short film O’Reilly’s Luck. Active in New Zealand cinema since the 1970s primarily doing wardrobe and production design, Ms. Robins had only directed one film prior to O’Reilly’s Luck. That film was called Instincts and shot for just $17,000. O’Reilly’s Luck had a budget ten times that amount – still relatively small, but clearly a whopping increase over her inaugural film. And, easily, more than half the film’s 25 minutes zero in on an 11-frame snooker match.

The movie is about a young Māori woman, Cissy O’Reilly Ratapu (played by newcomer Poina Te Hiko), who promised her now-deceased mother that she would never let anything happen to her extended family’s land – her whānau’s whenua. When her father’s gambling problems lead to a risk of foreclosure, Cissy decides her only recourse is to bet their savings on her ability to win the annual snooker tournament.

O’Reilly’s Luck clearly reflects some of Ms. Robins’ signature themes. 

OReillys Luck2For starters, O’Reilly’s Luck features a strong female protagonist. In an interview with Illusions, Ms. Robins said, “there was a growing awareness that most of the stuff I had worked on, the women took a back seat; men were making stories about their aspirations and feelings…It was pretty obvious there was an imbalance there, and a growing awareness that women’s stories were important too.” Year later, Ms. Robins similarly lamented, “Worldwide, only eight percent of film directors are women…That’s another reason why more women should be out there telling their stories.”1

The film also reflected Ms. Robins’ belief that “real people are actually much more interesting” than the glamorous, larger than life figures on TV.  The characters in O’Reilly’s Luck are especially ordinary. Cissy and her brother work in a sheep shearing factory. There is a banker; some codgers who are behind the times, surprised to see a woman playing snooker; a crusty fella determined to seize Cissy’s land; a very unmemorable snooker opponent; and a bar full of locals, drinking, wagering, and hoping for a good match. 

But, so much snooker?

Aotearoa has hardly been a mecca for the sport.  Almost a century ago, a New Zealand professional player named Clark “Mac” McConachy almost won the World Snooker Championship. He was a runner-up again in 1952.  He never won.  And, for the most part, that pretty much removed the country from the snooker spotlight.

True, snooker received a huge boost in the 1970s with the airing of the British television show Pot Black, which was very popular in New Zealand, but that show ended in 1986, three years before O’Reilly’s Luck. There was also the Kiwi, Dene O’Kane, who cracked the top 32 in the 1980s, though his peak spot (18) came several years after the film’s release. 

Perhaps, just as Cissy gambles on her own ability, the extended focus on snooker represented a similar gamble from Ms. Robins. Regardless of the sport’s waning popularity in her home country, snooker could provide an appropriately compelling backdrop for telling local stories of ordinary people and showcasing the determinism and perseverance of the film’s protagonist.  

Made in association with the Short Film Fund of the NZ Film Commission, and Television New Zealand Commissioned Independent Productions, O’Reilly’s Luck is available to watch free on NZ On Screen.

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  1. Both quotes are from: https://www.nzonscreen.com/profile/pat-robins/biography

Break and Run

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There is no shortage of jargon in billiards. You can “ride the cheese,” “sweat the action,” or “dog a shot.” There are “donuts,” “bagels,” “nuts,” “lemonade,” and even “duck soup.” The cue ball alone has multiple monikers, including the rock, the stone, the egg, the albino, whitey, and Judy. Part of playing the sport is speaking the language.1

One of the sport’s more popular (and perhaps more intuitive) phrases is “break and run,” which refers to the opening shot (the “break”) and the subsequent shots in which the person who broke “runs” the table (i.e., pockets all his/her balls without giving the opponent an opportunity to shoot).

For many amateur players, it’s an aspiration, more than an actuality. It’s also the name of two different billiards short films (which is a welcome relief from the glut of 8-ball and 9-ball named movies).

Break and Run (2018)

Break & Run (2018)Directed and written by Matt Baum as part of his final project for Michigan’s Motion Picture Institute, this 14-minute film has a lot of heart, humor, and billiards, even if it has absolutely nothing to do with a “break and run.”

The film focuses on Trey, a 25-year-old pool junkie with a drinking problem, who can’t hold a job long enough to move him and his longtime girlfriend out of his parents’ garage. His temper is too short, and his patience too thin, to last in roles as a Customer Service agent at a website company or as a Cashier at a video rental shop. 

Jobless and out of options, Trey joins an 8-ball tournament at The Last Straw, with a $5000 cash prize. He finds his billiards mojo and steadily defeats all his opponents, including the final one, his father, who has a history of taunting him and telling him that he “can’t keep sucking on the family tit forever.”

The billiards playing is neither climactic nor interesting. (I’m still wondering what shots were so difficult that they required the director’s father, Loras Baum, to take them.) But, the film is upbeat, largely driven by Trey’s charm and a well-chosen soundtrack, including Jim Croce’s “Bad, Bad Leroy Brown,” Jonny Lang’s ode to pool “Rack ‘Em Up,” and Warren Zevon’s “Werewolves of London,” an obvious audio tribute to The Color of Money.

The billiards was filmed at Ball & Cue & Brew in Lincoln Park, Michigan, but unfortunately the venue has since permanently closed.

Break and Run (2020)

Break and Run (2020)Brendan Gallogly’s movie is the more expertly filmed Break and Run though it tries too hard to pack too much into its 12-minute runtime. That’s likely because the film was intended as a proof of concept for a feature film the director intends to shoot. 

Mr. Gallogly, who received an Outstanding Television Commercial Emmy nomination for his work on the 2015 Budweiser commercial, “A Hero’s Welcome,” is a seasoned Associate Creative Director, who has built his career at advertising agencies such as Anomaly and McCann.

The movie is about a group of twenty-somethings who are cash-strapped and unable to come up with the money to rent an apartment. They convene every Tuesday at a local bar, which hosts a billiards league night (though there is only one table). Jokes and jeers are exchanged, and then Bort (the director’s brother Liam Gallogly) has an opportunity to play and impress the new girl on the team. 

There’s a comic bit where he improvises Eminem’s “Lose Yourself” in the bathroom and convinces himself to go for the “break and run.” That’s followed by a well-filmed billiards sequence, including some trick shots made by Andy Segal, but Bort ends up choking against his opponent, who he learns is the former New York Library President, accused of embezzling $500,000. 

The movie then awkwardly pivots to Bort’s “break and run” plan, which is to break into his opponent’s house and run off with the money. It’s idiotic, even to his fellow league mates.  There’s a final a-ha at the end of the movie, when Bort learns how his opponent hid the money, but it’s nonsensical on too many levels to count. Break and Run is available to watch here.

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  1. Thank you to Dr. Dave Alciatore, who maintains the popular billiards resource website billiards.colostate.edu, and has assembled the largest billiards terminology glossary.

Wanted: Chinese Billiards Movies

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In what Ronnie O’Sullivan described as the “greatest comeback in the history of the Sheffield venue,” Luca Betel beat Si Jiahui 17-15 last week in the semi-finals of the World Snooker Championship. The Crucible match was all the more extraordinary because Jiahui, who was ranked 80th at the beginning of the month, is just 20 years old. The Chinese wunderkind’s history-blazing path is a story of national pride (unlike the 10 Chinese snooker players who got banned in January from the tournament because they were charged with match-fixing).  

Jiahui’s meteoric journey echoes the increasing popularity of billiards/snooker in the PRC. The sport emerged in China in the 1980s. At the turn of the century, China hosted its first international snooker tournament. The early aughts witnessed the arrival of Ding “Enter the Dragon” Junhui, who became the world’s top player in 2014. Other stars followed, such as Pan Xiaoting, Liang Wenbo, and Yan Bingtao.

Today, over 120 million people play and practice billiards in China. There are 1500 snooker clubs in Shanghai; another 1200 are in Beijing. At the World Snooker College, the only subject taught is snooker, with every student hoping to be the next Ding Junhui (or maybe now Si Jiahui).

Not surprisingly, the swelling popularity of billiards has extended from the baize to the silver screen. In fact, prior to 2010, I’m not aware of a single Chinese billiards film. But, since that time, I’ve discovered eight Chinese billiards movies.1,2  

The problem is that, with the exception of A Magic Stick (2016), they cannot be found, at least not by yours truly, or they can be found, but have no subtitles, making them incomprehensible to me. Talk about a billiards movie gap in my corpus! I officially deem these Chinese billiards movies WANTED, and I beseech any reader to help me find them. Please note some of the titles below may be approximate translations from the original Mandarin.

Color Disorder - Chinese billiards movieColor Disorder (2010)

Color Disorder (or Color Barrier, perhaps) is a Chinese film about Chai Lu, a naturally gifted billiards player who lacks drive and ambition. At some point, he meets Chang Jianguo, who sees Chai Lu’s true potential. He takes Chai Lu under his wing and prepares him for the National Amateur Billiards “Golden Stone Competition.” While Chai Lu is suspicious at first, at the behest of his girlfriend Meng Rui, he ultimately grows to trust Chang Jianguo and his disciplined billiards teaching style. 

Billiards Baby (2013)

Directed by Xie Yihang, this billiards short film is about Zhang Chao and Si Yu, who met one summer as kids and became good friends and lovers as adults. They live in Beijing, where Si Yu relies on the billiards skills she learned from her grandfather. 

Midnight Pool Room (2016)

Just 11 minutes, the macabre Midnight Pool Room is about Huang and Liu, who hate the wealthy, so they launch some kind of sinister snooker game to retaliate and make the rich taste the shame they deserve. Sounds like The Menu meets The Hustler. I’m in!

 

Billiard Girl - Chinese billiards movieBilliard Girl (2018)

In 2018, Xiao Liu directed the 95-minute youth film Billiard Girl. This Chinese billiards movie focuses on Ling Chun (YiYi Deng, who won a Best Actress Lily Award award for the role), a high school student who lives with her stepmother. Ling Chun has always felt unsatisfied with her life, until one day she plays billiards and everything changes. More than a couple reviewers criticized the lack of billiards realism. Maybe they were reacting to the blindfolded shot I saw in an online clip? The complete movie is available to watch online, but there are no English subtitles, unfortunately.

Sasha.v2Sasha (2018)

Continuing 2018’s focus on young female billiards players is Chunze Dong’s rom-com Sasha. The movie tells the story of Zhao Shasha, a small-town hotel family’s daughter, who is a billiards genius. She flees to Beijing with Liu Hongyang, a simple, everyday, kind of homely man who dotes on her.  At some point, she gets smitten by a hunky gent named Abu, forcing our teen billiards goddess to choose between Mr. Funny, Loyal and Ugly and Mr. Tall, Rich and Handsome. A Chinese trailer of the film is available to watch here.

Metal Billiard - Chinese Billiards MovieMetal Billiards (2019)

Among this septet of missing Chinese billiards movies, my list-topper is Bai Xinyu’s 2019 billiards drama Metal Billiards (or Alloy Billiards). The film focuses on Lu Yan, an industrial design student, who creates a robotic arm to give more freedom and mobility to its user. Though he fancies himself a real-world Tony Stark, the invention is dismissed by various companies, and Lu Yan graduates unemployed. At this time, he also receives news that his father is hospitalized, having been injured over a large gambling debt. Lu Yan realizes that his robotic arm provides him a great advantage in billiards, specifically in determining the perfect angles and physics at which to make shots. With his robotic appendage, he can avenge his father and demonstrate that his time as an otaku was not for naught. 

While the Metal Billiards trailer is no longer on YouTube, there are some extended clips available to watch on Chinese sites. These clips show that, irrespective of the plot, the movie has a hip design aesthetic and traffics in comically memorable billiards opponents, including a green-mohawked guy tattooed top to bottom, a pair of buxom vixens in French maid outfits, an obese woman with hair curlers who carries a pig’s head on a rope (?!), and some gargantuan yeti whose cue stick is appended with a sinister metal chain. Only ones missing from this Iron Man rogue gallery is Obadiah Stane with a cue stick and, of course, the Mandarin.

Billiards King of Northeast China - Chinese billiards movieBilliards King of Northeast China (2023)

Just released in April, Billiards King of Northeast China (also possibly known as Northeast Champion or Northeast Ball King) is a rom-com from director Yin Bo. The film is about a rural billiards prodigy named Zhou Dafa who solves a kidnapping crisis, gets introduced to a business kingpin, falls in love, and then faces another crisis when the kingpin asks him to throw a billiards championship match or risk harm to his mother. Supposedly, Scottish snooker pro Stephen Hendry, who appeared in the 2017 TV documentary Enter the Dragon: China’s Snooker Star  (about Ding Jinhui), makes a cameo in the film.

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  1. Of course, some of this jump is attributable to the skyrocketing output of China’s movie studios. In 2000, China released just 91 films; by 2018, the number was 902 (source: ChinaPower). 
  2. This excludes movies made in Taiwan (e.g., Second Chance) or Hong Kong (e.g., Legend of the Dragon; The King of Snooker). I am focusing solely on the PRC.

The One-Acts – “Third and Oak: Pool Hall”

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Here’s an all-star lineup:

  1. Anthony Quinn, who won Best Supporting Oscars both for Viva Zapata! and Lust for Life and received Best Actor Oscar nominations for Zorba the Greek and Wild is the Wind.
  2. Fielder Cook, a director who won three Emmys and received five additional Emmy nominations.
  3. Marsha Norman, who received the 1983 Pulitzer Prize for Drama for her play ‘night, Mother.
  4. James Earl Jones, an actor so accomplished that he won the EGOT (Emmy, Grammy, Oscar, Tony) including a Lifetime Achievement Honorary Academy Award.
  5. Mario Van Peebles, the director and star of New Jack City (and son of pioneering director Melvin Van Peebles).

That quintet teamed up in November 1989 for “Third and Oak: Pool Hall,” a don’t-blink-or-you’ll-miss-it, one-time only performance. The show was a televised live theater production that was one of four episodes aired as part of the Arts & Entertainment Network’s anthology series American Playwrights Theater: The One-Acts.

Chicago Tribune TV Week 1989While “Third and Oak: Pool Hall” is hardly the masterpiece that such a quintet seems capable of, the episode still makes for a gem in the annals of billiards television and for some powerful viewing, if you can find it. (More on that later.)

“Third and Oak: Pool Hall” is based on Ms. Norman’s one-act play of the same name. The year is 1978, and the setting is a run-down second floor pool room in Louisville, Kentucky. Mr. Jones plays Willie, the pool hall’s proprietor.  Mr. Van Peebles plays “Shooter” Stevens, a radio DJ who is named after his father (Shooter), a nomadic and exceptionally-skilled pool shark until he lost a game and jumped off a bridge to his death. 

The elder Shooter and Willie, along with an unseen man named George, were best friends, “more like triplets” or “three blind mice,” as they were often prone to trouble. The younger Shooter is married to George’s daughter Sandra (another unseen character), but their relationship is strained, due to Shooter’s flirtatious proclivities and Sandra’s spending habits. Shooter complains, “I’m a 100% certified wholly-owned slave boy, courtesy of MasterCard.”

Those tensions and connections create a fraught relationship between Willie, the demanding surrogate father figure, and the young Shooter, who questions Willie’s ongoing commitment to George and the pool hall as well as fears being stranded once Willie moves. 

If that all sounds a bit soap operatic, you’re not off base. The play is rather convoluted and an excessive amount of banter is devoted to secondhand characters the audience never meets. I doubt I would go watch it off-Broadway. 

But, this is James Earl Jones, the O.G. of basso profundos, the voice behind Vader, the man behind Mustafa. He utters his lines with such “gravel and gravitas” that he mesmerizes, even in a semi-forgettable role.1 He is the uber-paterfamilias, even to a child not his own.  Moreover, his presence contrasts well with the uncorked energy of Mario Van Peebles, who is helter-skelter, always in motion, ever circling the pool table and setting up shots, but never finishing them. In short, “Third and Oak: Pool Hall” works not because of the story, which is both overly complicated and prosaic, but because of the actors’ chemistry and their visceral tension, each one step away from snapping.

Mr. Quinn, the on-screen pre- and post-host of all four episodes of American Playwrights Theater: The One-Acts, shares that Ms. Norman always walked by the real pool hall at Third and Oak, but never went in. She “imagined the life inside of the places we don’t go into.”  It’s that imagination that is the root of the problem. 

For starters, there are fundamental racial problems associated with a white woman who is unwilling (or afraid) to go into a black-owned poolroom, but feels comfortable giving voice to its patrons. But aside from that mega hitch, Ms. Norman’s choice never to enter the poolhall means there is no attempt to really understand the mind of the road player, the argot of the pool table, and the impact such a life could have on family and friends. We are left with make-believe, a thin drama that only works because the actors can overcome it.

Billiards enthusiasts, whose hopes may have been raised given the paucity of plays that reference billiards (never mind include “pool” in their title), will undoubtedly feel discontented. With the exception of a brief mention of Ralph Greenleaf and Willie Hoppe, neither the dialogue nor the action reveals any familiarity with the sport. As mentioned earlier, Shooter repeatedly picks up a cue, but he rarely follows through. In fact, there is a scene toward the end in which Shooter attempts to make his father’s famed trick shot, but as he never sets up the shot the same way, it’s an embarrassing attempt at verisimilitude. 

Intrigued? Curious to watch? Unfortunately, unless you live in Los Angeles or New York City, you may be shit outta luck. “Third and Oak: Pool Hall” is not available anywhere to stream or purchase, and I could not find any bootleg versions online. However, if you’re in LA or NYC, the Paley Center for Media has the episode in their archives for public viewing.

  1. “James Earl Jones: A voice for the ages, aging gracefully,” The Washington Post, September 17, 2014.

Inaugural Billiards-Themed Non-Billiards Magazine Awards (Part 1)

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As the popularity of billiards has intermittently waxed and waned over the past century, numerous billiards magazines and journals from around the world have aspired to keep an ear to the baize for its fan base. By my count, almost 100 different publications have reported on the sport. 

billiards magazineThey span a lifetime: from Billiards Magazine, the industry’s pioneer which launched in 1913, to its current incarnations, such as Billiards Digest, Pool & Billiard, SPM Media, and Snooker Scene. They have spanned the globe: from Cue’s (Japan) and d’Billiard (Indonesia) to Billiard World (Russia) and Bubbles (Croatia). And, they have tackled the sport at every angle: from the highly quantitative (Accu-Stats) to the questionably (in)appropriate (Billiards Table Talk). 

For the sports’ professionals, the magazines have provided visibility and exposure to a larger audience, albeit not that large or for that long with many of these publications.  Nonetheless, to paraphrase Dr. Hook & the Medicine Show, it “is the thrill that’ll getcha when you get your picture on the cover of the Rollin’ Stone a billiards magazine.”

But, the story gets much more interesting when we leap beyond those 100 billiards publications (of which perhaps 10 are in print today). The global print and digital magazine industry was approximately $90B in 2020. There were 7,416 print consumer magazine titles in the US alone in 2020. I have no idea how many there were in the world.

All those different titles create a massive opportunity both for showcasing the sport’s stars to a non-billiards fanbase, and for reminding the world of the visual, emotional, and metaphoric power of the game. Seeing is believing, and the surest way to ensure the long-term survival of the sport is to keep it front and center, however, whenever, and wherever.

Excluding the aforementioned billiards publications, I have found 173 non-billiards magazines that either feature billiards or billiards professionals on their covers.  Once again, they cover 100 years, criss-crossing the globe and infiltrating news, music, culture, and every other magazine genre.  To make sense of such a motley mélange of magazines, I created the Inaugural Billiards-Themed Non-Billiards Magazine Awards. (Part 1 is below. Part 2 will be in the next blog post.) Call it the alt-Ellies, phenolic resin, chalk dust, and all. 

BEST SPORTS PUBLICATION TO RIGHTFULLY RECOGNIZE BILLIARDS AS A SPORT

Winner: Sports Illustrated (2010, China)

Having grown up with Sports Illustrated covers plastering my bedroom walls, I still cannot forgive the US magazine for failing to feature billiards on its cover. It’s not because it’s niche; chess, bowling, and ballooning have all graced the cover.  At least SI ran a story on Jeanette Lee, entitled “The Little Blessings of the Black Widow,” in the October 7, 2021 issue.

Fortunately, the China edition of Sports Illustrated did not make the same mistake. A 2010 cover features Chinese snooker player Ding Juhui, the most successful Asian player in the sport’s history. Having recently won the 2009 Pukka Pies UK SnookerChampionship, Mr. Juhui was ranked fifth in the world at the time of this issue.

Runner-up: Sportstar, the monthly Indian sports magazine, featured national star Pankaj Advani on its cover both in September 2009 and November 2014.

LEAST OBVIOUS COUNTRY TO RAISE ITS BILLIARD FLAG

Winner: наш спорт (2022)

For countries, such as the United States or France, that publish upwards of 7,000+ magazine titles per year, it’s not surprising to see billiards imagery sprinkled across a smattering of titles. But, for less obvious countries, where the number of magazine titles published is under 1,000, seeing billiards imagery is like sinking the 8-ball on the break. 

This award goes to the 2022 issue of наш спорт, a Belarus publication that translates to Our Sport. Not sure who is gracing the cover, but the magazine is dedicated to the “promotion of a healthy lifestyle, the education of a healthy harmonious personality, the priority value of which is an active, healthy and long life.”

Runner-up: The Italian magazine Grazia did its first international spinoff with a Bulgarian edition. A 2022 issue features model Elsa Matiz “playing to win” (assuming she catches that 8-ball).

HOTTEST CELEBRITY TO HOLD A POOL CUE

Co-Winners: Veronica (June 1999, Netherlands) and Vanity Fair (January, 2015)

There are lots of lists of celebrities shooting billiards. I recently wrote about Fred Astaire, a maestro of the sport, who made his own shots across four episodes of Dr. Kildare. 

This award, however, has zero to do with billiards skill; it has everything to do with that feral combination of hot Hollywood bods, suggestive, physical contortions, and all the sexual innuendo packed into stroking shafts and pocketing balls.

There was a lot out there to ogle, but it’s a tie between a leopard print lingerie-clad Neve Campbell gracing the 1999 cover of the Dutch magazine Veronica and Bradley Cooper giving us his baby blue stare on the 2015 cover of Vanity Fair. 

LOUDEST TOAST TO BILLIARDS MOVIES

Winner: Life (November, 1986)

I may have discovered more than 300 billiards movies, TV episodes and short films, but I freely admit most are unlikely to receive more than an ⅛ page vertical of magazine copy. Ever. Never mind a cover.

Of course, The Color of Money was no ordinary film. It was a sequel, directed by the legendary Martin Scorsese 25 years after the Oscar-winning original, that paired two generations of megawatt stars, Paul Newman and Tom Cruise, fresh off of Top Gun.

Not surprisingly, this category’s winner, the November 1986 issue of Life, salutes that film by offering a “private visit with the new hustler and the old pro.” 

Runner-up: While it’s tempting to award the December 1986 issue of US, or the November 1986 issue of American Cinematographer, which both focused on TCOM, the award goes to a 1989 Chicago Tribune – TV Week, which shows James Earl Jones and Mario Van Peebles starring in the little-known billiards episode, “Third and Oak: Pool Hall.”

MOST DESERVING OF A LARGER AUDIENCE

Winner: Flex (March, 1986)

The audience for niche interests is wildly varied, vast, and boundless. Not surprisingly, niche magazines are ready and waiting to satiate these sub-groups’ desires for content. And, there are some really niche mags out there: Emu Today & Tomorrow (emu farming), PRO (portable restroom operators), Girls and Corpses (‘nuff said). 

While billiards has never graced the cover of Elevator World, it has extended its reach into some non-mainstream areas of interest. Flex, an American bodybuilding magazine with a peak estimated circulation of 78,000, wins this award with its March 1986 cover featuring strongman Albert Beckles.  He may be “on the ball,” but I’m afraid he’s going to crush that cue stick into wood chippings.

Runner-up: Apparently, in Greece, haircuts are associated with billiards. At least, that’s my conclusion from the 2020 cover of The B. Mag, a Greek magazine devoted to the barber industry, which gives new meaning to the pool lingo, “a close cut.”

FARTHEST JUMP FROM BILLIARDS TO ANOTHER INDUSTRY

Winner: FWD (2002, Philippines)

Aside from his countless appearances on sports magazines, Michael Jordan appeared on the cover of everything from GQ and Ebony to Time and Cigar Aficionado. It’s a great sign when athletes can raise their profile beyond the pages of their industry’s publications.

Winning this category is the 2002 issue of FWD, a Pinoy men’s magazine, which featured Efren “Bata” Reyes and the “Black Widow” Jeanette Lee sharing the cover. Their joy is evident; it’s equally shared by us billiards fans.

Runner-up: The 2015 Autumn issue of Whiskeria, a British magazine devoted to unlocking the mystery of whisky, is remarkable for featuring Michaela Tabb on its cover. Not only is she a snooker personality in the world’s leading whisky magazine, but she’s a snooker referee!

BEST UNIVERSITY TO ATTEND

Winner: Black Hills State Alumni Magazine (Fall, 2022)

We’re currently exploring universities for my son. There are a myriad of factors to consider when applying: location, tuition, size, culture, Greek life, academic disciplines, etc. But, the prevalence of billiards? That’s a criterion I had not considered.

Whether to appeal to the student body or their alumni, various universities over the years have chosen to highlight billiards in their public relations. But, no university has done it better than our category winner, Black Hills State University, which put Shane Van Boening on the cover of their Fall 2022 Alumni Magazine. Though the “South Dakota Kid” did not attend the Spearfish, South Dakota based university, he’s about as close to a local legend as the school can ask for.

Runner-up: Kudos to the University of Michigan for its cover story on union renovations stripping away 97 years of pool hall history in their January 2018 issue of The Statement. 

MOST UNINSPIRING USE OF BILLIARDS IMAGERY

Winner: Insurance Journal (March, 2006)

Milton Friedman’s 1953 essay ‘The methodology of positive economics,’ with its famous expert pool-player analogy, is one of the most cited and influential pieces of writing in twentieth-century economics. While the essay is controversial, it’s proof-positive of the widespread metaphoric application of billiards. But, just because billiards can be applied, does not mean it should be…

Claiming the win in this category is the March 2006 of Insurance Journal, a magazine devoted to the property and casualty insurance industry. Under the headline, “Rack ‘Em Up,” the cover features an off-camera player aiming at the 14-ball in a story about the “most popular pockets for accountants’ liability claims.” Talk about a crisis in mixed metaphors.

Runner-up: I’m still scratching my head to understand why the January/February 2017 issue of The Smart Manager, India’s first management magazine, shows billiard balls, cue, and chalk in a cover story on the future of management development programs.

MOST LIKELY TO IMPRESS BOB VILLA

Winner: Workbench (November-December, 1966)

Handcrafted America. Incredible Inventions. The Genuine Article. Furniture To Go. All of these television series have dedicated episodes to the craftsmanship and assembly of billiards tables and cues. No wonder a number of magazines in the Home Improvement sub-genre have similarly devoted cover stories to such a topic.

The category winner is the November-December 1966 issue of Workbench, a magazine about the use of tools and working with wood. The magazine’s strapline invites readers to “construct your own professional-type home pool table.” Three cheers for the Cleaver family shooting pool, but the icing for me was the billiard ball-themed masthead (albeit with two 4-balls).

Runner-up: Seven years after the Workbench issue, Popular Mechanics followed suit in January 1973 with a cover story about “how to build a deluxe pool table for $107.” Yet, somehow this DIY solicitation is much less inviting.

That concludes Part 1 of our Inaugural Billiards-Themed Non-Billiards Magazine Awards. I’ll share the remaining winners in my next blog post.  Until then, if you stumble across any billiards imagery gracing the cover of a non-billiards magazine, please send it my way.  Maybe there is a pool-playing potato farmer out there, just waiting to make the cover of Spudman.

Number One

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There are many reasons to praise Bob Geldof: founder/organizer of Band Aid and Live Aid; co-writer of the charity song “Do They Know It’s Christmas?”; lead singer of the Boomtown Rats; recipient of the Man of Peace award.

Starring in Number One is not one of those reasons.

Made initially for television, but released theatrically in England in 1984, Number One is a British snooker movie that is most often referenced for its star-studded cast, including Mr. Geldof as Harry “Flash” Gordon, a down-on-his-luck Irishman who begrudgingly pursues professional snooker as a means to turn around his life.

Other well-known cast members include two-time BAFTA TV Award nominee Alison Steadman, two-time Emmy nominee Alfred Molina, and two-time BAFTA Film Award nominee Ray Winstone. Also appearing are rocker Ian Dury, director Tony Scott (True Romance, Top Gun), and a host of snooker personalities, including commentator Ted Lowe, referee John Williams, and professional player Patsy Houlihan.

Rewind to the early ‘80s in the UK, and it’s not hard to imagine why there would be excitement around a snooker movie.  The BBC had been broadcasting Pot Black, a snooker tournament series, since 1969. The 1970s and 1980s produced some of the sport’s most iconic personalities, including Steve Davis, Ray Reardon, Alex “Hurricane” Higgins, “The Whirlwind” Jimmy White, “The Comeback Kid” Dennis Taylor, and Cliff “The Grinder” Thorburn. Their matches – and rivalries – were legendary, turning these individuals into national superstars and making snooker the number one televised sport in the UK (even more popular than football). It’s no wonder this golden era was the subsequent focus of the BBC documentary When Snooker Ruled the World, the TV series Gods of Snooker, and the movie The Rack Pack.

Number One taps into this snooker zeitgeist by focusing on “Flash” Gordon, whose wayward lifestyle has left him in trouble with a pair of crooked cops and in debt to some toughies. He’s a few days away from eviction, having recently had his car repossessed. Stealing from the prostitute next door only buys him so much time, especially when he blows the money in a poker game.  

Out of options, but blessed with natural snooker talent, Flash concedes to let the bookie Billy Evans, accompanied by his henchman Mike the Throat, manage him. This includes getting Flash into the professional snooker association and ultimately on the slate to compete in the World Snooker Championship at the Crucible. Billy cleans up Flash nicely, but he cannot change Flash’s penchant for cursing, heckling opponents, throwing cues, picking fights, and even, getting tossed in jail.

Flash’s antics, his cat-and-mouse relationship with the cops, and his contentious interactions with his manager culminate at the Crucible, where he – somehow, don’t ask me how – makes it to finals to play his nemesis Brad Brookie. I won’t give away the ending, but it certainly gives poor old Ted Lowe an ulcer, even if the spectators and fans love it.

Number One not only sought to capitalize on snooker fever, but also to mine it for inspiration, primarily by (loosely) basing Mr. Geldof’s character on the colorful, fast-shooting, trouble-attracting, real-life, Irish-born, bad boy Alex Higgins, whose off-the-table behavior was front page tabloid fodder.1 Furthermore, the Flash-Brookie competition was based on the early ‘80s rivalry between Mr. Higgins and Ray Reardon.2 (Mr. Higgins won the world title for a second time in 1982 after beating Mr. Reardon 18–15, with a 135 total clearance in the final frame.)

Unfortunately, Number One, much like its American billiards movie cousin The Baltimore Bullet, has all the right ingredients, but is a mess of a movie. The first half of the film moves at a glacial pace, pummeling the one-dimensional point  that Flash is a bit of a cad, liar, hustler and cheat, all rolled into one rather unlikable and untameable guy. The second half is more interesting, but is also preposterous. Flash’s meteoric ascent to the top snooker spot is risible. There’s no reason to believe he has such skills. Most of the film’s characters are paper-thin; much of the aforementioned talent is wasted; and the movie’s chauvinism reduces the only two women to background screamers or sexpots.

Apparently, the film was screened in Sheffield (where the Crucible is located) the night before the 1984 World Championship and attended by snooker journalists. They allegedly thought it was so bad that they laughed throughout and were too embarrassed to approach Mr. Geldof afterwards.3

Number One is available for DVD purchase.  It is not currently available to stream.

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  1. Interestingly, Mr. Higgins’ most scandalous and career-damaging act came a year after the release of Number One, when he headbutted a WPBSA official after being asked to take a drugs test.
  2. This was not the only Ray Reardon rivalry to reach the silver screen. Several years later, in 1987, the snooker musical Billy the Kid and the Green Baize Vampire focused on Mr. Reardon’s rivalry with Jimmy White. Coincidentally, both Phil Daniels (who played Billy the Kid, who is based on Mr. White) and Alun Armstrong (who played the green baize vampire Maxwell Randall, who is based on Mr. Reardon aka “Dracula”) appear in supporting roles in Number One.
  3. Snooker Scene Blog: Playing Alex (July 28, 2010).