Billiards has been the centerpiece of some great television parodies, such as Mad TV – “The Hustler” (1999), Mr. Show – “Van Hammersly” (1995), and, of course, the hilarious 1987 short “The Hustler of Money,” which featured Ben Stiller doing an over-the-top impersonation of Tom Cruise’s The Color of Money character, who has traded in his cue stick for a bowling ball.
Unfortunately, not all billiards spoofs have been this humorous. For example, way down at the other end of the baize is the insufferable and utterly uncomic Sledge Hammer! episode, “The Color of Hammer.”
Sledge Hammer! is a satirical police sitcom starring David Rasche as Sledge Hammer, a San Francisco Police Department inspector who is destructive, sexist, insensitive, simplistic, and calloused. As hinted by the opening sequence, a sensual close-up of a .44 Magnum resting on a satin pillow, Hammer’s natural instinct is to solve every case with violence. His crime-fighting ways naturally draw the ire of his partner, the beautiful, intelligent and sophisticated Detective Dori Doreau (Anne-Marie Martin) and the uptight, apoplectic Captain Trunk (Harrison Page). The series lasted on ABC for only two seasons before it was canceled in 1988 due to low ratings and direct competition from superior shows like Miami Vice.
“The Color of Hammer” aired in January 1987, at the tail end of the show’s first season. (Many of the episodes’ titles lampooned 1980s films and television shows – e.g., “The Spa Who Loved Me,” “The Secret of My Excess,” and “Miss of the Spider Woman.”) The full episode is available to watch here.
The episode centers on Sledge’s investigation of the murder of hardline Superior Court Judge Liam Jackson, who is killed shortly after inexplicably dismissing all charges against an obviously guilty mob figure. Though Hammer seems oblivious to the knife sticking out of the judge’s back, he has a flash of genius when he connects the blue chalk under the judge’s fingernails with the Cues ‘R’ Us matchbook in his pocket, and deduces that the judge may have been hustled and blackmailed, which ultimately got him stabbed. Sure enough, the judge had fallen victim to the sharking tactics of Lana (Martine Beswick, former Miss Jamaica), who had tricked the judge into a making a no-win bet of $50,000.
Hammer arrives at the pool hall to sniff out the hustler. Meeting Lana, he initially dismisses her, telling her to “go get her ears pierced.” Assuming a woman could not be the culprit, Hammer is persuaded to play her in 9-ball for $100/game. After winning the first game, he eventually goes down $50,000, which is enough to realize she is the villain. (The silver lining of this sequence is that the pool-playing is cleverly shot to Hall & Oates’ ‘80s anthem “Man-Eater.”)
Hammer encourages Lana to play one more double-or-nothing game. A dreadfully filmed game of nine-ball ensues, with balls falling out of order, and illogical shots getting made. Lana resorts to cheap distractions (e.g., blowing cigar smoke in his face, kissing his ear), but Hammer proves unflappable, and wins the game.
When Hammer calls out Lana as the killer (“Sorry lady, the pool party is over!”), her cue stick is unsheathed to reveal a stiletto, and the standard pool table battle occurs, with Hammer knocking out his opponent by making her trip on the cue ball (“Best shot I made all day”). And for true tired slapstick, this “The Color of Hammer” sequence even includes a jump shot that bounces off the table, caroming into the Captain.
The late great billiards legend Minnesota Fats once said, “When I played pool I was like a good psychiatrist. I cured ‘em of all their daydreams and delusions.”
Now that’s funny.
Telling the Captain after beaning him with a cue ball on a botched jump: “You knew when you signed up that police work is dangerous.”
Well, that’s just plain stupid.
