The John Doe had suffered blunt force trauma to the face and a stabbing in the neck before being buried alive. The initial clues: a piece of green worsted wool, a copper and zinc alloy in the victim’s wounds, some traces of magnesium and silicon, a tiny shard of glass, and some skin from a coral snake not endemic to the region. All just another day on the job for the Las Vegas criminalists in the recently-aired (December 14, 2014), fifteenth season billiards episode of CSI: Crime Scene Investigation – “Dead Rails,” available to watch here.
Melanie Liburd as Natalie “The Hornet” Barrow
CSI is the second-longest running scripted, non-animated, US, primetime series on the air today. The weekly CBS drama, which features a team of Sin City criminal investigators who rely on forensic science to solve grizzly murders, has even spawned two successful spin-offs, CSI: Miami and CSI: New York. The elements of the hour-long show include mysterious clues; elaborate mixes of forensics, science, logic and deduction; a decent soundtrack; a panoply of Las Vegas denizens, from high-rollers to low-lives; frequent plot twists and red herrings; special guest appearances; goofy one-liners; and a remarkable, if not unbelievable, conclusion.
Sharon Osborne as a pool tournament organizer
CSI – “Dead Rails” is no exception. The episode has everything from the aforementioned opening clues to the casting of media personality and reality star Sharon Osbourne as women’s billiard tournament organizer Elise Massey; from the impractically, scantily attired Melanie Liburd as Natalie “The Hornet” Barrow to a serpentine storyline that involves pool hustlers, shadow corporations, the mob, brothels, and a tinge of postmodern feminism. There are some inane leaps in logic, such as recognizing a shard of glass must be related to a billiards trick shot, and the ending is preposterous, even for CSI standards.
No matter. After 758 episodes, which have included everything from cannibalistic cheerleaders, furry fandom, and extreme bowling, to midnight jousting, sadomasochism, and Star Trek fetishism, the CSI franchise finally devoted an episode to billiards in “Dead Rails.”
Let’s return to the episode’s initial clues. While most viewers may have associated worsted wool with expensive suits, billiards aficionados know that (green) worsted wool is also top choice for super-smooth, super-fast American pool. Magnesium and silicon are the components of talcum powder, which of course, is a staple for players to keep their hands dry. And, copper and zinc combine to make brass, which is used is in the head of some bridge sticks.
The other two clues are a little more esoteric, if not downright implausible. The snakeskin, as we later learn, comes from the grip of a pool cue. That’s not totally far-fetched, as snakes, lizards and even ostriches have been used to make pool grips, though presumably if the grip were “shedding,” it might be time to retire the cue stick.
The famous champagne trick shot.
The shard of glass, which comes from a champagne flute, is the improbable clue that leads investigator Morgan Brody (Elizabeth Harnois) to make the billiards linkage. She exclaims she’s seen trick shot artists make a “champagne shot,” in which the object ball whizzes through a series of carefully planted champagne flutes without touching a single one. Then, when the trick shot artist nails the shot, “they like to take their stick and smash it through the champagne glasses in victory.” OK, I’ll buy this is a documented trick shot. (You can watch real-world master Florian “Venomn” Kohler perform it in this video at 2:21.) But, the idea the artist then sprays glass all over the table? That’s beyond absurd.
Beau Runnigen makes a cameo.
The champagne flute coda notwithstanding, for the most part, the billiards references sprinkled throughout the episode show that the writers developed a familiarity with, if not a respect for, the history of billiards. There is mention of “pre-ban ivory cues,” the game of one-pocket, and the hustling technique of using one’s own cue ball. The episode’s name, “Dead Rails,” is an insider reference to a bumper intentionally deadened by a hustler to give a home-court advantage. Pool is also reverently equated with chess as a “silent game of war.” Much credit is likely due to Beau Runningen, a West Coast pool player, who worked as a technical advisor on “Dead Rails.” (He also makes a non-speaking cameo as the referee for a tournament match.)
Sure, there is the age-old controversy about whether to equate billiards and hustling in the popular imagination. (This is not a trivial issue given last season’s CSI had a US viewership of almost 12 million, according to Nielsen data.) But, the fact is that billiards and hustling do have an intertwined history. (If you need convincing, check out Freddy “The Beard” Bentivegna’s opus, The “Encyclopedia” of Pool Hustlers.)
Personally, I would gladly indulge public fantasy about the seedy side of pool if it translated into 12 million people getting more excited about the sport. When The Hustler was released in 1961, it was estimated that the billiards industry increased by 1000-200%.[1] Maybe CSI – “Dead Rails” could have a fraction of that impact. After all, Sharon Osborne’s character may be fictional, but her sentiment that “billiards popularity is waning” is very, very real.
[1] “Will Hustler II Make Pool Cool”, Chicago Tribune, October 17, 1986
