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Top 7 Billiards Tables Not For Sale

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Since 2013, I’ve been blogging about the portrayal of billiards in film and television. In total, I’ve discovered 313 movies, television episodes, short films and web series in which billiards features prominently – and that’s to say nothing about all the scenes with only a passing reference to the sport.

So when the opportunity arose to share my passion with the BCA Insider readership, I jumped at the chance. After all, the more billiards permeates our popular culture, the more people are inclined to play and love and invest in the game.  And, in the hands of creative directors and screenwriters, the sport can become entertaining, metaphoric, a medium for deeper conversations, and a palette to imagine the unexpected.

Take billiards tables, for example.  While there are hundreds of models, they adhere to a shared composition of legs, pockets, bed, cloth, cabinet, apron, rails, and cushions. But, within film and television, the rules are more lenient; tables exist, for better or worse, that we would (or could) never use.  Therefore, in no particular order, I present the Top 7 Billiards Tables from Movies and TV.

7. Get Smart – “Dead Spy Scrawls” (1966). If you were evil international organization KAOS, intent on intercepting US government secret communication, where might you hide your latest “decoding machine”?  As Agent 86 Maxwell Smart deduces, the answer is the belly of a billiards table. Knowing the location, Smart then only needs to pocket four balls simultaneously to serve as the combination to unlock the decoding machine. Can your table do that?

6.  Billy the Kid and the Green Baize Vampire (1987). Not only does this billiards musical reinterpret the showdown between legends Jimmy White and Ray Reardon as a grudge match between an aging vampire and a Cockney named Billy, but it also converts a gorgeous black marble snooker table into a transparent bedtime coffin for the snaggletoothed snooker sensation’s dead father.

5.  Silent Running (1972). In a post-apocalyptic world in which all plant life on Earth is becoming extinct, a group of scientists whittle away the day playing a variation of billiards that includes a computer arm player and a futuristic circular pool table. While the film’s shelf life was limited, its imaginings about circular pool have spawned mathematical debates within online message forums.

4. Goldfinger (1964). Maxwell Smart is not the only agent to encounter an unusual pool table. In Goldfinger, Auric Goldfinger, the arch-nemesis of James Bond, need only flip a switch and the reversible pool table reveals a miniature replica of Fort Knox, his future heist target. Fortunately, this is a different table than the one Goldfinger later straps Bond to, with the intent to laser his nether regions.

3. Hard Knuckle (1982). Imagine a dystopian world where one botched billiards shot means having to sever the top third of one’s finger. That’s the practical purpose of the “Knuckle Table,” a blood-crusted set of pincers hinged to each pool table in this Australian made-for-TV movie. Surprisingly, the threat of phalangectomy did not diminish the sport’s popularity.

2. Death Parade – “Death March” (2015). Created as a sequel to the short film Death Billiards, this Japanese anime television series has dead people participate in “Death Games” to choose their final fate. This galactic billiards table makes its debut in the fifth episode during a game of Solar System 9-Ball. Fortunately, no planets were harmed in the playing of this grudge match.

1. Beverly Hillbillies (1960s). Though I’m not sure in which episode the “fancy eatin’ table” first premiered, it is impossible to forget the Clampett family’s dining room table, which viewers all recognized as a billiards table. It was “built solid” enough to support “half dozen turkey gobblers and never sag a bit.” Best of all, the table came with “pot passers” and “meat stabbers” (aka cue sticks notched or sharpened for various culinary purposes).

So, the next time you’re discussing billiards table options, consider finding inspiration in these cinematic counterparts. Just steer clear of the Knuckle Table.  We’ll leave that one on the silver screen.

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This article first appeared in BCA Insider – BCA Holiday Issue (November 1, 2019).

The Honeymooners – “Opportunity Knocks But”

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Watching the movie The Maltese Falcon, I first appreciated the use of a MacGuffin. Popularized by film director Alfred Hitchcock, a MacGuffin is an “object, device, or event that is necessary to the plot and the motivation of the characters, but insignificant, unimportant, or irrelevant in itself.”1 In the case of the 1941 noir classic, the eponymous avian black figurine drives the story, but is itself peripheral and inconsequential.

To be clear, the “Opportunity Knocks But” episode of The Honeymooners is no Maltese Falcon. But, in many ways, the game of billiards is the ultimate MacGuffin.

For those too young or ignorant to remember the Golden Age of Television, The Honeymooners was an American sitcom following the day-to-day life of bus driver Ralph Kramden (Jackie Gleason), his wife Alice (Audrey Meadows), and his best friend Ed Norton (Art Carney).

“Opportunity Knocks But,” which aired in May 1956, was one of the last of the “Classic 39 Episodes.” In the episode, Mr. Marshall, Ralph’s boss at the bus company, receives a new pool table as an anniversary present from his wife. Told Ralph is “the best pool player in the bus company,” Mr. Marshall asks Ralph to stop by his Park Avenue apartment that night to teach him the “fundamentals” of the game.

Ralph, of course, jumps at the opportunity, telling Norton, “this is how you get places, socializing with the higher-ups.” Norton ends up joining Ralph, and the two of them agree that “no matter what Mr. Marshall does tonight, every shot he takes, compliment him…encourage him.”

This pre-planned sycophancy reaches its humorous apex when Ralph comments on Mr. Marshall’s chalking (“Say, look at how well he did that, Norton! Oh! He was a good chalker for the first time.”) or his missing the ball on the break (“Yeah, but you came so close… if anybody had told me that you was a pool hustler when I met you this afternoon, I would have laughed right in their face.”)

But, here’s the rub: they don’t actually ever play pool. Aside from selecting and chalking a cue, the game never begins. Mr. Marshall keeps getting interrupted by Norton’s ideas for improving the work environment for the bus drivers. Though Ralph keeps trying to redirect the conversation back to the game, Norton makes such an impression on Marshall that he offers him the Bus Driver Supervisor position so coveted by Ralph. For Ralph, this ignominy squelches any further chance of playing.

So, while billiards drove the episode’s plot and provided the perfect milieu for showcasing talent and exchanging ideas, the actual game is irrelevant, thereby becoming the ultimate MacGuffin.
The irony, of course, as most billiards cineastes know, is that Jackie Gleason, like the character he portrayed, truly was a billiards expert. Honeymooners fans got a glimpse of this just five episodes later in “The Bensonhurst Bomber.” But, the real treat came five years later when Gleason portrayed pool hustler Minnesota Fats in the masterpiece The Hustler. Let’s just say it was worth the wait.

  1. Wikipedia

Top 10 Wish List of Billiards Screenplay Adaptations

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billiards fictionIn 1955, author Walter Tevis, at the age of 28, had his billiards short story, “The Big Hustle,” published in the August 5 issue of Collier’s magazine. That tale about the rivalry between Ned Bales and the Hot Springs Babe was never adapted for the silver screen.  However, his short story “The Hustler,” published in Playboy in 1957 and expanded into a novel in 1959, is a pool ball of a different color altogether.  That story became the ground-breaking, billiards-blazing 1961 film The Hustler, recipient of nine Oscar nominations and widely credited with sparking a resurgence in the popularity of pool.  And, of course, Mr. Tevis’ 1984 novel The Color of Money, which two years later Martin Scorsese adapted into the eponymous film, was equally impactful on the industry and lauded by pool and movie fans everywhere.

Though The Hustler and The Color of Money are the most successful screen adaptations of billiards-themed fictional works, they are not the only examples.  Cedric Yamanaka’s short story, “The Lemon Tree Billiards House,” was turned into a short film of the same name in 1996.   The director Francis Ford Copolla worked with author S.E. Hinton to adapt his novel Rumble Fish, which includes a decent amount of billiards, into the 1986 movie. Even Isaac Asimov’s sci-fi short story “The Billiard Ball” has been turned into a Claymation film.

All of this got me thinking: if the two most popular billiards movies are both based on adapted screenplays, and if other fictional works have also provided good source material for films, then perhaps there is a whole treasure trove of untapped novels and stories that can be equally mined for billiards gold. Therefore, I present my Top 10 Wish List for Billiards Screenplay Adaptations.[1]  (Note: for the purpose of this post, I limited my scope to fiction, but there are some amazing memoirs and biographies of the sport’s most colorful characters, that warrant a separate top 10 wish list in the near future.)

  1. “A Billiard Lesson” by A. A. Milne. Though Mr. Milne is best known as the creator of the world’s favorite anthropomorphic teddy bear Winnie-the-Pooh, he was a prolific writer of plays, poems, and short stories, including “A Billiard Lesson,” first published in the British literary humor magazine Punch in 1911. The short story focuses on a game of English billiards between an alleged billiards expert and Celia, his friend/student, who unwittingly wins the game without understanding at all how to play or how the game is scored.

 

  1. The Cue Ball Mystery (Series) by Cindy Blackburn. South Carolina author Cindy Blackburn does not play pool. But, Jessie Hewitt, the pool shark protagonist of the six books in the Cue Ball Mystery series, certainly does.  The novels – Playing With Poison; Double Shot; Three Odd Balls; Four Play; Five Spot; and Six Easy Pockets – all focus on the intersection of Jessie’s former pool-hustling days, her current days penning romance novels and her struggling love life.

 

  1. One-Pocket Man by Albert Betz. The simple fact that native Philadelphian Albert Betz writes about one-pocket from personal experience earns his debut novel One-Pocket Man a place on my list. Published in 2005, the novel focuses on Danny Bonto, a Chicago mid-level enforcer who is given a new life, identity and job by the Fed in exchange for ratting out his boss. But, in his new hometown of Philadelphia, he runs afoul of the mob while working in a local poolroom, where he also takes a teenager under his wing and teaches him the nuanced game of one-pocket.

 

  1. “The Billiard Table” by James Hall. According to Robert Byrne, author of the anthology Byrne’s Book of Great Pool Stories, James Hall’s “The Billiard Table” from 1829 is likely the first short story with a billiards theme ever published. Though the writing is rather stilted, the story is elegant in its simplicity. Mr. St. Clair, an aristocrat gifted at English billiards, loses a match and a large sum of money to a hustler. Terrified how his wife might react, he races home only to find she is no longer there, which he quickly assumes is a result of the attention he gives to the game and his neglect of her.

 

  1. Do It for the Game by Robert Campbell. Reviewing Robert Campbell’s bio, it’s clear this man loves pool. He owns a pool hall in Bradford, Massachusetts. He published a monthly newspaper, “All About Pool…Everywhere.” He contributed articles to several national billiards publications. He’s been inducted into the New England Pool & Billiards Hall of Fame. And, in 2002, he published Do It for the Game, a novel about Brian Dwyer, a man down-on-his-luck who returns to his hometown and rediscovers his joy for pool and the life lessons of the game. The novel includes the usual cast of colorful hustlers (e.g., Weasel, Snake, Zig Zag), but the storytelling rings true among reviewers who have lived in his shoes.

 

  1. Sticks by Joan Bauer. The sole work on this list aimed at the Young Adult crowd, Sticks is a 2005 novel written by the highly acclaimed, Newberry Honor Medal recipient Joan Bauer. The novel’s protagonist, 13-year-old Mickey Vernon, is preparing to compete is the most important pool tournament of his life. But, to win, he must deal with a more experienced and mean rival, his mother’s rules and reservations, and the reappearance of a pool expert and family friend with a troubling past.

 

  1. Billy Phelan’s Greatest Game by William Kennedy. The middle member of William Kennedy’s much-loved “Albany cycle” trilogy (which includes Legs and Ironweed), Billy Phelan’s Greatest Game centers on Billy Phelan, a small-time, Depression-era pool hustler, poker player, bowler, and bookie. As in the movie Three Card Monte, billiards comprises only a small percent of the dimly-lit, back-alley action, so it’s debatable whether this novel should be eligible for this list. But, as one might expect from a future Pulitzer Prize winner, the writing is so precise and evocative, that it’s hard to argue it’s movie material.

 

  1. “A Game of Billiards” by William Sansom. Talk about creepy. First published in 1952 in a collection of William Sansom’s work called A Touch of the Sun, “A Game of Billiards” is a short story about a narrator who is trapped in a room with a large man who imagines they are locked in a close billiards match. His oversized opponent is intense, meticulous in everything from his cue-chalking to his angles, brags about shots that will “please Mother” and yet is quite menacing whenever the narrator tries to cut short the pretend game.

 

  1. Billiard Blues by Maxence Fermine. Published in 2004, Billiard Blues, by French author Maxence Fermine, is a collection of three stories that each take place in different cities, several decades apart. The first story occurs in 1930s Chicago and focuses on John Lee Hooker, years before he becomes the world-famous blues musician. Hooker attends a billiards match between Willie Hoppe, perhaps the greatest pool player ever, and Al Capone, the notoriously vicious gangster who ruled over Chicago during the Prohibition Era. Bet you’d want to be a fly on the wall for that game.

 

  1. “The Hungarian Cinch” by Bill Pronzini. The trope of Aliens on Earth is fertile ground for Hollywood, ranging from films about hostile adversaries (e.g., Invasion of the Body Snatchers; They Live) to misunderstood companions (e.g., E.T.; The Iron Giant). Bill Pronzini’s sci-fi short story, “The Hungarian Cinch” (1976), is somewhere in-between, perhaps closer to Neil Blomkamp’s genre-breaking film District 9, in which aliens co-exist with humans in a tightly regulated environment. In the story, the world’s greatest one-pocket player, Fancy Fontana, is set to play Randolph GQ-XIV, an orange-skinned, hairy-legged, extraterrestrial who has never played the game before, for $50,000. The opportunity seems to good to be a true – a rare ‘Hungarian cinch’ (in the hustler’s parlance). But, of course, competing against aliens never quite goes as planned.

So, there you have it.  It’s time to pause on the sequels and punt on the reboots. Hollywood, are you taking notes?  And, just in case, these ten titles didn’t stir your creative juices, I’ve included below covers from some of the other novels that I considered in curating this billiards screenplay wish list, not to mention the other 27 short stories sourced by Robert Byrne.

[1]      This post would not have been possible without reading, and being inspired by, Byrne’s Book of Great Pool Stories (1995). Thank you Mr. Byrne for your research and curation.

Top 12 Billiards Comic Book Covers

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billiards comic bookAlmost two years ago, a friend alerted me that Pool & Billiards Magazine had done a cover story on billiards comic book covers. Entitled “Comic Collection: Comics Featuring Our Favorite Sport!,” the November 2015 article focused on the 52 book collection of billiards enthusiast Gary Nelson.  Mr. Nelson’s covers ranged from Popular Comics #124 (June 6, 1946) to Grimm Fairy Tales #82D (February, 2013).

As a long-time comic book collector, whose passion for comics pre-dates his passion for billiards by almost a decade, I was instantly hooked. In fact, I was a bit downtrodden, if not even slightly jealous, that the idea of munging comic books and billiards had not occurred to me. Ironically, I had even written a blog post in June 2014 – Top 10 Cartoon Cue Stick Carriers  – that referenced a few such covers.

No matter. I jumped into the research with the energy of Firestorm and the determination of the Punisher, ultimately discovering a total of 61 comic book covers featuring billiards. But, to paraphrase the famous wall-crawler, with great research comes great responsibility, and simply sharing the covers is not a sufficient feat of billiards heroism. To take it farther, we must select the top quintile of those covers!  My choices of the Top 12 Billiards Comic Book Covers follow, though I’ve also included a gallery of all the covers at the end so you can choose for yourself.  Now, read on, enjoy and critique.  Excelsior!

 

  1. billiards comic bookArchie’s Mad House #21 (September, 1962). First published in 1959, Archie’s Mad House was designed to make no sense; by issue #19, it didn’t even feature Archie.  Instead, the title focused on monsters, space, and wacky stories, often parodying some aspect of popular culture. This particular issue came out one year after The Hustler, which may have been part of the cultural gag. Regardless, the cover illustration shows two space men heading toward a planet shaped like an 8-ball.  That’s my kind of interstellar travel destination.

 

  1. billiards comic bookFeature Comics #132 (March, 1949). Published by Quality Comics, Feature Comics ran during the Golden Age of Comics, from the late 1930s to circa 1950. While many characters were introduced, the most noteworthy was Doll Man, created by Will Eisner, who also created The Spirit. Unfortunately named, Doll Man had the power to shrink his physical size, long before there was an Atom or Ant Man. Doll Man outlived his publisher, as the character was eventually acquired by DC Comics, and Doll Man became a member of the Freedom Fighters, as well as the All-Star Squadron.   Though this particular cover is uninspiring (and specious, given the hat-wearing felon is shooting the 8-ball rather than the cue ball) I nonetheless appreciate the nostalgic value, as these super groups were part of my youth.

 

  1. billiards comic bookSpider-Man’s Tangled Web #13 (June, 2002). I’ll admit it. The appeal of this cover has less to do with the billiards and more to do with my childhood obsession both with Spider-Man and the Marvel Universe of b-rated comic book villains. The setting for this cover is the Bar With No Name, a safe haven for Marvel villains. Presumably, Spider-Man intruded on a friendly game of pool between the two gents with cue sticks, Mr. Hyde and Whirlwind. And, now the interruption has drawn the ire of a gaggle of other costumed nemeses, including Vulture, Boomerang, Matador, Stilt Man, Rocket Racer, and a couple of other gnarly fellas.

 

  1. billiards comic bookCasper the Friendly Ghost #142 (June, 1970). This amiable phantasm has been around since the 1930s, though he didn’t get his own comic until 1949 when Harvey Comics purchased the character outright. This particular cover is a delight because it not only shows Casper’s trick shot showmanship, pocketing at least three balls, with two more freakishly destined for corner pockets, but also revels in his innocence, as he floats into the table (which I’m thinking is not allowed by the BCA) and – oops – also sinks the cue in the side.

 

  1. billiards comic bookAngel & Faith #11 (February, 2015). Joss Whedon struck gold with his series Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Angel & Faith is a Dark Horse title that continues the Buffy story by focusing on the stories of Angel and Faith Lehane.  Well, I never watched Buffy, so it’s all gibberish to me, but Scott Fischer’s cover is top-notch. (No surprise from the man who lent his skills and imagination to the Dungeon & Dragons: Monster Manual.) The cover features a menacing individual, gripping an 8-ball and impaled cleanly by a cue stick. A rack of skeletal billiards balls in the background. The scene looks like something out of my Top 10 Billiards Brawls.

 

  1. billiards comic bookForeskin Man #2 (2011). Circumcision has found a new enemy in Foreskin Man, aka Miles Hastwick, curator of the Museum of Genital Integrity. Created by Matthew Hess and published by Male Genital Mutilation Bill Comics, Foreskin Man, with his Herculean physique, seems to have the upper hand on the grimacing mohel, so I’m not sure why the hero feels compelled to wield an 8-ball.  And, then there’s the bigger question which makes the whole comic’s mission a bit suspect:  why is the brit malah happening on a pool table???

 

  1. billiards comic bookThe Flintstones and Pebbles #55 (December, 1969). I already knew from the 1960 Flintstones episode “At the Races” that the man from Bedrock could shoot pool. But, this cover does a great job of injecting the prehistoric scenery – in this case, a long-necked, fanged, reptilian creature – into the pool game. It is also repurposing the idea of using animals for tools and appliances, a popular Flintstones mechanism. Besides, Amazon sells more than 100 bridges of all shapes and sizes, including moose heads, bats, and spiders. Is it really so implausible that a snagglesaurus could be used for a similar purpose?

 

  1. billiards comic bookSilent Hill: Dead/Alive #3 (February, 2006). Pretty much anything in the Silent Hill franchise is disturbing, and this comic book cover by Ted McKeever and Chris Bolton is no exception. The art shows a quartet of hideous monsters gathered around a pool table, where one of them is shooting the cue ball at an ocular billiard ball drawn disproportionately large. This is certainly far more gruesome than anything from the pseudo-horror billiards shows I’ve reviewed, such as the “Pool Sharks” episode of Monsters or The Understudy: Graveyard Shift II.

 

  1. billiards comic bookNew Funnies: Woody Woodpecker #187 (September, 1952). In 1999, the “Cue the Pool Shark” episode of The New Woody Woodpecker established that this red-white-and-blue avian can shoot some stick. But, this cover takes us back 47 years. Even then, Woody could rock the baize, showing off some mean masse skills to his feathered brethren. Granted, the kiddies have no respect for the game, morphing it into something like pool roller hockey.  But, that’s cool – there are a lot of hybrid billiards sports out there (e.g., Pool Bowling with Jimmy Kimmel; Poolball – aka pool + soccer; etc.).

 

  1. billiards comic bookRichie Rich Digest Winners #11 (November, 1981). Winning the prize for most billiards comic book covers is Richie Rich, the little boy zillionaire, with six different covers from 1973 (Richie Rich Fortunes #11) to this 1981 cover. Though other covers had better puns (“This table must have cost pool-enty!”), I selected this one for its uniquely designed pool table in the shape of a dollar sign.  Too far-fetched? I think not…just take a look at these real unusually shaped tables (a coffin? a banana?).  I think Richie might have been ahead of his time.

 

  1. billiards comic bookSleepwalker #2 (July, 1991). Do you ever play pool to relieve some stress? Jeff Hagees did. But, when his stress turned into gambling debt, and he was circumstantially fired by his employer, this engineer sought revenge by becoming the criminal 8-Ball, with a pool-rack shaped hovercraft, a killer cue stick (literally), and a team of goons, including 6-Ball, 9-Ball, and 11-Ball, who wielded exploding billiards balls.  The best part: the 8-ball for a dome!

 

 

  1. billiards comic bookHouse of Secrets #127 (January, 1975). Most known for introducing the character The Swamp Thing, House of Secrets from DC Comics focused on mystery, fantasy, and horror stories, often with several anthologized in one comic. This issue includes the 36-page story “Death on Cue!,” in which a pool hall bum steals a magic cue from an old man and beats him to death with it. But, the dead man’s ghost returns and enacts revenge, first beating him, and then shrinking him, as evidenced on the cover. It’s then unlucky 13 for the killer who is ultimately crushed between two deadly rolling balls.

 

Did I omit one of your favorite covers?  Take a look at the complete collection of 61 covers and let me know which would have made your Top 12 list.  And if you come across any covers that I’ve overlooked, send me an email or leave me a comment.

Top 15 #FakeBilliardsMovie

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In honor of my 150th blog post, I must turn my attention to the less honorable, seldom discussed, near-underground genre of #FakeBilliardsMovie. Yes, these are the films that peddle in billiards imagery and idiom – pool tables, eight-balls, cue sticks, green baize – to lure in viewers, yet upon closer inspection, have little to nothing to do with the sport. The egregious members of this sinister club are movies that reveal a blatant disrespect for billiards, seizing upon the popular appeal of pool to bamboozle the unsuspecting cinephile.

#NotABilliardsMovieOn occasion, the storyline gives a fleeting nod to billiards, perhaps featuring a lone pool table as part of a billiards bar backdrop. Such is the case with Kevin Spacey’s 1996 directorial debut Albino Alligator, in which a New Orleans bar, pool table and all, provide the venue for a foiled robbery attempt.  But, far more often, the billiards is simply a siren’s call, a cinematic fool’s errand that leaves the viewer despondent and depressed.  To help rid Hollywood of this subterfuge, I present to you my meticulously researched list of the Top 15 #FakeBilliardsMovie movies, with each malefactor representing a decade of blog posts.  Let the countdown begin (and note that all summaries are courtesy of IMDB).

  1. #NotABilliardsMovieSignage. In 2007, Rick Hammerly directed this 12-minute short film in which a receding hairline, the beginning of crow’s feet and a chance encounter with a young deaf man force the protagonist to confront getting older in today’s youth-conscious world. The poster proclaims, “When life calls the last shot,” while showing the bottom left corner of a pool table, but the game is a ruse, largely irrelevant to the film. #FakeBilliardsMovie

 

  1. #NotABilliardsMovieDestiny Stalled. When I first saw the poster to this short film from 2000, I was so keen to watch it that I reached out to the director Susan Johnson because the movie was unobtainable online. Ms. Johnson kindly sent me a password to watch the movie on a private video hosting platform. It’s a touching film about the connection forged between a man and boy at a hospital. But whereas the poster would suggest that billiards is critical to their interplay, the irritating truth is that pool is a transitory thread. #FakeBilliardsMovie
  1. #NotABilliardsMovieAngels with Dirty Faces. Good versus evil. The priest versus the gangster. Father Connolly versus Rocky Sullivan in a fight over the fate of a group of ‘dead end kids.’  Michael Curtiz’ 1938 drama sizzled on the screen, with James Cagney starring in an Oscar-nominated role as the magnetic local crime boss. So, what’s with the pool hall as the fateful setting for the head-to-head confrontation? Yes, our gang of street urchins frequent a pool hall, but this poster is a cheap shot, ya dirty rat. #FakeBilliardsMovie
  1. #NotABilliardsMovieBehind the Eight Ball. At times compared to the Marx Brothers, the Ritz Brothers (Jimmy, Harry, and Al) were an American comedy team making movies since the early 1930s. But, in 1942, they crossed the line with the musical comedy Behind the Eight Ball, which had the members of a summer theater group getting mixed up with spies and murder. The film featured a bullet-shooting clarinet, but the poster was cue stick crookery. #FakeBilliardsMovie

 

  1. #NotABilliardsMovie#NotABilliardsMovie8-Ball and 8-Ball. Given the plethora of authentic billiards movies unoriginally named “8-Ball,” it’s borderline criminal that these two foreign films felt compelled to exploit the popular term for no reason remotely related to the sport. The 2013 Finnish film, originally titled 8-Pallo, is about a single mother who, having just been released from prison, is trying to start her life anew. And the 2012 short film from Argentina is about about a man having a personal crisis who seeks solitude in a park, when a passing stranger named 8-Ball takes an unwelcome interest in him. Really? Couldn’t the stranger have been named Agapito or Hecmir? #FakeBilliardsMovie
  1. #NotABilliardsMovieBelle Speranze. Visual skullduggery hit a new nadir when director Mike Leigh’s 1988 film High Hopes was released at the Venice Film Festival as Belle Speranze. Somehow, this “slice-of-life look at a sweet working class couple in London, Shirley and Cyril, his mother, who’s aging quickly and becoming forgetful, mum’s ghastly upper-middle-class neighbors, and Cyril’s pretention sister and philandering husband” became about playing billiards in dimly-lit pub halls. As boring as the American movie poster is for this film, at least it’s honest. #FakeBilliardsMovie

 

  1. #NotABilliardsMovieBehind the 8 Ball (series). Also known as the So You Want… series, this collection of 63 black-and-white live action short films, released between 1942 and 1956, all starred Joe McDoakes as the protagonist. Each film humorously addressed an everyday problem (e.g., So You Want to be in Politics; So Your Wife Wants to Work; So You Want to be a Cowboy). But, no mirth could be found in the prominence of the large 8-ball that features repeatedly in the opening credits of each short. #FakeBilliardsMovie
  1. #NotABilliardsMovieQuarterlifers. Adam Fortner directed this 2011 drama about “four lifelong friends who are each struggling to learn what’s important in their lives through crazy, heart-warming, and hilarious situations.” OK, I guess with a plotline that insipid, I too might opt to bait a larger audience by featuring pool in the movie poster.  At least one of the four amigos buys a local billiards bar and tries to operate it.  It’s a start. #FakeBilliardsMovie
  1. #NotABilliardsMovieBlue Velvet. As much as I enjoyed David Lynch’s discomforting 1984 film, I’m disturbed that the movie’s Italian poster, illustrated by prolific movie poster designer (i.e., 3000+ movie posters) Enzo Sciotti, not only references a rape scene that does not exist in the film (although it is rumored the scene was shot), but trades on the visual iconography of the pool table (which is used in the movie when Frank beats a man senseless on the table while topless girls surround him) to create one of the most repugnant billiards images in cinema. And – again – the scene never even happened! #FakeBilliardsMovie
  1. #NotABilliardsMovieCarambolages. This 1963 French film from director Marcel Bluwal translates to “carom shots.” As if the cue stick in the top left corner was not sufficiently specious, then certainly the title’s translation into one of the most common strokes in billiards is an act of lexical jugglery, for this comédie noire is about climbing the corporate ladder, not banking in billiards. #FakeBilliardsMovie

 

 

  1. #NotABilliardsMovie8 Ball Bunny. Look, I love the gray hare trickster as much as anyone, but there is no reason this 7-minute animation from 1950 needs to capitalize on billiards fandom with this inane image of a penguin sitting on an 8-ball. According to IMDB, in this short “Bugs helps a penguin go home via New Orleans, Martinique, the Panama Canal and finally the South Pole. But the penguin’s home is in New Jersey.” Maybe if the penguin is a metaphor for New Jersey-born Billiard Congress of America Hall of Fame inductee Allen Hopkins, I could buy it.  Otherwise, this cunicular con needs to come clean. #FakeBilliardsMovie
  1. #NotABilliardsMovieRaja Natwarlal. The poster for this 2014 Bollywood drama, directed by Kunal Deshmukh, shows an attractive couple leaning on a pool table, but the film is actually about a small-time con man seeking assistance form his mentor with the intention of settling scores with a gangster. Apparently, the culprit for this visual deceit is prolific movie poster creator Bharat Devaliya. Shame, shame. #FakeBilliardsMovie

 

 

  1. #NotABilliardsMovieEight Ball. Rick Argall directed this 1991 Australian deception that not only traffics in eight-ball imagery and nomenclature, but also repurposes the sport’s argot with the tagline, “In life the trick is to get an even break.” Pity the uninformed viewer who expects some billiards bravado. This film is about a self-absorbed architect who befriends an ex-convict as they work on building a tourist attraction designed to resemble a huge fish. #FakeBilliardsMovie

 

  1. #NotABilliardsMovieMuzi v Nadeji. This 2011 Czech film (translated as Men in Hope) from director Jiri Vejdelek includes one of the most popular (and #NSFW) billiards scenes on the internet. Thousands of people have watched and shared it, likely with little knowledge of its origin. Indeed, the scene is the basis for the movie’s poster, which exploits the intended viewer’s love of both billiards and beautiful, buxom women. Yet, aside from the one scene, this two-hour comedic romance shows no interest in billiards. #FakeBilliardsMovie
  1. #NotABilliardsMovieNine Ball Diaries. Of all the #FakeBilliardsMovie transgressors, the top dog is this 2008 documentary on – wait for it – cyclocross, an extreme form of bicycling. Aside from the indignity that the film relies entirely on the softly haloed image of a 9-ball (and includes said ball in its title), the poster simultaneously snubs its own subject, as if to fatuously assume that cyclocross is well-understood.   And, lets’ face it, with the exception of Breaking Away, the bicycle-movie genre could probably use some good PR.

I hope this list has raised your mercury level a bit.  This sort of affront requires action. Perhaps, you’ll consider a boycott, or a hunger strike. Maybe join a sit-in or march to Hollywood to draw attention to #FakeBilliardsMovie.  Of course, if other domestic and global issues seem more important (which is remotely possible), then I encourage you to sit back down on the couch, grab a beer and some popcorn, and watch any of the 200+ legitimate billiards movies, short films, and television episodes I’ve cataloged.

Another Top 10 Billiards Commercials List

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In January 2015, for my 100th blog post, I took a “break” from blogging about billiards movies by switching my focus to “billiards breaks” – specifically, billiards commercials (breaks).  The resulting blog post – The Top 10 Commercial Breaks Featuring Billiards – was not only a hoot to investigate, but also among my most popular posts.

Of course, as with any top 10 list, the moment it was released, some omissions became glaring. The more research I conducted, the more examples I surfaced that were certainly list-worthy.  Rather than disassemble the old list, I instead have opted for the easy-way-out and generated Another Top 10 Billiards Commercials List, complete with 10 billiards commercials from around-the-world that are entirely different from those cited on my first list.  Let the (second) countdown begin!

  1. Dentyne – Ice. Viewers of Super Bowl XXXV, in which the Rams decimated the Giants 34-7, may remember the CGI-heavy “Pool Hall” billiards commercial from Dentyne. With both a 15- and 30-second version, the 2001 advertisement features a sexy woman approaching a sexy man, who is playing pool.  The mid-riff baring vixen pops a piece of Ice gum into her mouth, right before kissing the guy.  Their arctic breath subsequently freezes over the table, and his shot literally shatters the 13-ball into an explosion of billiards fragments.  Learn more about the special effects here.
  1. Nerf Pool. Who could have predicted in 1969 when Reyn Guyer first invented the NERF ball that 15 years later it would become a critical component of Parker Brothers’ Nerf Pool household game? In this 30-second billiards commercial, presumably from 1984-1985, a grandfather and his grandson convert the kitchen table into a Nerf Pool table by assembling the four pockets with the elastic sidewall strips. Then it’s time for billiards action, as there is nothing Grandpa would “rather put away” except maybe Grandma’s dessert.

  1. H&M – Modern Essentials. Soccer player and supermodel David Beckham continues his sponsorship for clothing retail H&M in this 2015 30-second spot, “Pool.”  Directed by Marc Forster (World War Z) and powered by The Heavy’s song “What Makes a Good Man?,” this all-star uniting commercial features Mr. Beckham showcasing the jacket and sweatshirt from the new Modern Essentials collection as he plays an opponent in pool.  The ultimate gravity-defying move is Mr. Beckham’s jump shot that supernaturally veers left after pocketing the 8-ball.

https://youtu.be/BoQTjvoTHI0

  1. Ford Explorer. To launch the new 2011 Explorer, the automotive company took to Facebook, where it created a series of promotional videos featuring celebrities answering questions about the popular SUV.  In this billiards commercial, Hall of Fame pool player Jeannette Lee, addressed the question, “Do the Explorer’s second and third rows fold completely flat?,” by converting the back rows into a pool table where she broke a 9-ball rack.  Though the Black Widow utters no words, her follow-up trick shot, in which she jumps the cue ball into her stiletto-heeled shoe, confirmed the SUV’s flatness.  Other celebrities, such as Snoop Dogg and Brett Michaels, appears in similar Ford videos.

  1. Carling Beer. In 2013, the writing/direction duo, The Sniper Twins, created a wonderful billiards commercial (“Trick Shot”) in which a bar patron attempts a jaw-dropping trick shot that includes fireworks, elaborate ramps, and an eight-ball jumping a bridge in a toy convertible before sailing through a ring of fire. The eight-ball lands in the designated side pocket, but the cheers are muted after the cue ball falls moments later.  The scratch prompts the patron’s partner to exclaim, “It’s good…but it’s not quite Carling good.” (Note: Carling has been a patron saint of billiards commercials since the early 1980s, when it featured snooker legends John Spencer and Terry Griffiths in its famous advertisement.)

https://youtu.be/1OIZuxPDNAk

  1. Jack in the Box – Spicy Nacho Chicken Sandwich. Jack Box may just be your average joe with an overgrown round white head, blue dot eyes and a black pointy nose, but as evidenced in the 2015 “Pool Hall” commercial, produced by the Struck ad agency, he shoots a mean game of 9-ball.  As narrated by a regular at a dive bar, Jack approached the table, made “the shot” (i.e., nine balls on the break in an awesome trick shot), and appeased his stunned opponent with a Spicy Nacho Chicken Sandwich.

https://youtu.be/BzeoUumARpE

  1. Guinness. On my original Top 10 list, the Guinness “Table” ad took the #3 spot for its rather revisionist interpretation of how pool tables came to have pockets. As I have since learned, “Table” was part of a billiards commercial trinity. The other two pool history ads – tied here – are “Cue” and “Felt.”  Both of the 2007 commercials provide a similarly comical interpretation of how certain billiards indispensables fortuitously made their way into the game.  Thank god for that local chimney sweep who “extended a helping hand.”

  1. Budweiser. Like peanut butter and jelly, Budweiser and billiards were made to best friends. The beer behemoth earned the #7 spot in my previous list with their 1999 “Skunky Beer” commercial.  But, I evidently and egregiously overlooked two fantastic billiards commercials from overseas that now tie for the bronze.

In “Giant Pool Table,” the agency DDB UK gorgeously shows curious onlookers spying massive billiards balls littered across city streets.  Propelled by the song “Brakes On” by Air, the action moves to the top of a Los Angeles skyscraper, where it becomes clear that a giant game of pool is being played, complete with the multi-person chalking of a cue and shooting of an 8-ball through a corner pocket. The 90-second ad launched across the UK and Ireland in late 2010.

In the 2011 billiards commercial “PoolBall,” the Argentinian division of Oglivy addressed the age-old conundrum that “soccer and nightlife are worlds apart” by combining the two into the unique sport of PoolBall.  Played on a seven-meter long pool table, the sport has the “same pool rules” and the “same soccer fantasies,” with “more than 280 players each night.”  The two-minute spot includes all the essentials: rabid soccer fans, hot women, fancy soccer moves (e.g., The Moccasin Effect), and, of course, lots of beer (“Fridge Included”).

  1. VIP Frenchie. In India, there exists the unfortunate habit of men adjusting their underwear in public.  In this brilliant 90-second “IPBL” (Indian Pocket Billiards League) campaign from 2015, the innovative underwear manufacturer pokes fun at this male ritual with a voiceover that not only satirizes Indian men scratching in public, but also gives fame to the not-so-clandestine gestures by naming them, such as “the pant whisperer,” “the juggler,” “the double-de-clutch,” and “the centerfold.”  While a quintet of IPBL players are lauded for their patented moves, the end joke is that the comfort of Frenchie, which eliminates the “scratch and itch,” disqualifies people from playing in the IPBL.

  1. Miller Lite Beer. World pool champion Steve Mizerak made billiards advertising history in 1978 with his famous “just showing off” trick shot commercial that earned the top spot on my original top 10 list.  In the 1980 follow-up commercial, one of many that was part of the “Tastes great. Less Filling” campaign era, the Miz competes against a who’s-who of iconic figures, including Bubba Smith, Rodney Dangerfield, and Mickey Spillane, before running the table on them.  The secret to his success?  “Practice, practice, practice.”

So, there’s my Top 10 list, which combined with my earlier Top 10 list, should really be combined into a Top 20 list.  And even then, the list would omit such enjoyable commercials as the 2004 Hanes advertisement which featured Michael Jordan and Matthew Perry playing pool, or the 1999 Hitachi Rotary Shaver ad from Japan that used a pool table to show the closeness of the razor’s shave.

The evidence would seem to support that billiards can be used to sell lots of products, whether beer, underwear, fast food, or cars.  Now, if only it would help sell the actual sport and make it a little more lucrative for all those who play professionally.

The Rifleman – “Shattered Idol”

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“The game of billiards has destroyed my naturally sweet disposition.” – Mark Twain, April 24, 1906

Among my literary loves is historical fiction, that malleable genre that permits imaginary, engaging storylines through the creative and (hopefully) well-researched use of real people, places, and events. (If you’re itching for a good read, check out some highly entertaining and educational examples, such as Twelve Fingers by Jo Soares, The Adventures of Kavalier & Clay by Michael Chabon, or The Alienist by Caleb Carr.)

Shattered IdolThus, I got a bit giddy when I first learned about and watched the December 1961 episode “Shattered Idol” from the fourth season of The Rifleman television series. The Rifleman was an American Western television show that starred Chuck Connors as Lucas McCain, a widowed Union Civil War veteran raising his son Mark (Johnny Crawford) during the 1870s and 1880s. The 30-minute episodes, all filmed in black-and-white, ran on ABC from September, 1958 to April, 1963.

The fictitious “Shattered Idol” episode begins with Samuel Clemens (aka Mark Twain, played by Oscar nominee Kevin McCarthy), in his trademark white suit, disheveled hair, and overgrown mustache, passing through the town of North Fork, New Mexico Territory in stagecoach, when his vehicle has wheel trouble, forcing a several day layover. Unexplainably crotchety and rude to the local denizens, including the young, author-worshiping Mark McCain, Twain opts to hole up in the town’s inn, with its solitary four-cushion billiards table, removed from any contact with anyone.

So far, so make-believe (and the author’s surliness so intentionally bewildering).

Shattered IdolIn time, Twain emerges from his room and is prodded into making a billiards wager with Mr. Russell, the local cowpoke and pool shark, who says, “Here’s $70 you play billiards as well as you write: rotten.” Twain invites Mr. Russell to set up three balls anywhere on the table and that Twain can make a successful three-cushion shot (i.e., use the cue ball to hit the other two balls while also contacting three cushions). Twain makes the winner-takes-all shot, pockets the winnings, and dismisses his buffoonish opponent.

Twain’s demonstrated billiards acumen is rooted in history. According to biographer Albert Bigelow Paine, who wrote The Boys’ Life of Mark Twain (1916), Twain was passionate about billiards. Paine writes:

Every Friday evening, or oftener, a small party of billiard lovers gathered, and played until the late hour, told stories, smoked till the room was blue, comforting themselves with hot Scotch and general good-fellowship. Mark Twain always had a genuine passion for billiards. He never tired of the game. He could play all night. He could stay until the last man gave out from sheer weariness, then he would go on knocking the balls about alone.

In fact, Twain’s billiards room served as his “office, study and private domain…away from the bustle of a busy household, it was the place where the author would write his great works, fanning the manuscripts on the billiard table to be edited.”[1]

Shattered Idol

The real Mark Twain

“Shattered Idol” includes another historical fact – the early death of Twain’s son Langdon – which is revealed mid-episode to be the source of Twain’s dismissiveness and the rationale for his self-imposed isolation. Twain’s son Langdon died of diphtheria in 1872. In “Shattered Idol,” Twain believes he could have prevented hi son’s death, citing it as his reason to discontinue writing the then-serialized novel The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn. (In truth, Twain did lose interest in writing the famous American classic for several years, but the delay was not attributable to Langdon’s death.)

Fortunately, for Huck, Jim, young Mark McCain, and millions of voracious future readers, the titular rancher Lucas McCain is able to help Twain overcome his grief (and save the imperiled novel) through a rematch on the billiards table.

Twain is once again challenged by the local town hustler to a 5-point game of three-cushion billiards for $100. Lacking concentration and distraught with grief, Twain initially loses. But, when Lucas gives him a pep talk about not living in the past, Twain is able to rebound and makes a stunning, consecutive series of five three-cushion shots, thereby defeating the hustler, winning the wager, regaining his desire to live, and recommitting to finish writing Huckleberry Finn.

The “Shattered Idol” episode of The Rifleman is not currently available online or on DVD.

[1]       https://marktwainhouse.org/about/the-house/HartfordHome/rooms/

Top 10 Billiards Songs and Music Videos

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billiards lyricsI had never paid much attention to Rod Stewart, but I was in my car, listening absentmindedly to “Maggie May” (1971) on Classic Vinyl, when I was KO’d by the lyrics, “I suppose I could collect my books and get on back to school. Or steal my daddy’s cue and make a living out of playing pool.” Alas, the situation does not end so well for our forlorn narrator, but my mind had already forgotten the poor sap and started to wonder what other songs prominently featured billiards, whether lyrically or visually. I therefore present my Top 10 Billiards Songs and Music Videos for your consumption, amusement, and critique. This list consists of 5 songs with great billiards videos and 5 songs with great billiards verses. Enjoy!

  1. “The Pool Shark” (lyrics). Written by Tom T. Hall and recorded by country music artist Dave Dudley in 1970, this lead single tells the story of a hustler getting hustled. The narrator, who had been “known to hustle a few,” misreads his opponent badly. When the narrator raises the stakes, his opponent brings out a custom cue with “gold initials in a leather grip pearly and silver inlaid tip” and proceeds to “make those balls and table talk…speaking English” until the narrator is out “187 bucks and a ring.”
  1. “Stronger Than Me” (video). Dead from alcohol poisoning at the age of 27, the genre-bending, husky-voiced Amy Winehouse released this 2004 debut single from her debut album Frank. The song is about Winehouse debasing her boyfriend for failing to be a more dominant and present partner. The video follows the song’s lyrics, with the boyfriend getting sloppy-drunk while playing pool on purple-felt tables. Winehouse is shown making only one shot in the video, though off-screen she was known for her billiards skills, having posthumously even earned the moniker, “The Demon of the Pool Table.”

  1. “The Snooker Song” (lyrics). In 1986, composer Mike Batt assembled an all-star ensemble, including Roger Daltrey, Art Garfunkel, John Hurt and Julian Lennon, to record The Hunting of the Snark, a concept album based on Lewis Carroll’s poem of the same name. The album was withdrawn but re-released in 2010. Act Two includes “The Snooker Song,” sung by Captain Sensible (who founded the punk rock band The Damned) as the Billiard Maker. The lyrics primarily consist of the Billiard Maker, who is “famed for his aim” and can get a “break of fifty-eight (maybe more?),” repeatedly taunting his opponent by saying, “I’m going to be snookering you tonight.” The “Snooker Song” was also the theme to the British billiards game show Big Break.
  1. “I Can’t Dance” (video). Genesis, the English rock band fronted by lead vocalist Phil Collins, released the 1991 album We Can’t Dance, which included the single, “I Can’t Dance.” Half way through the music video, which is about the artifice and false glamour of television commercials, Phil Collins enters a pool hall where the unctuous proprietor insists he wager his blue jeans in a game of pool if he wants to stay. The sequence is a reference to (and parody of) the 1991 Levi Jeans “Pool Hall” commercial, which featured The Clash song, “Should I Stay or Should I Go?” that was the inspiration for the main riff of the Genesis song. Of course, in the commercial, the pants stayed on; in the video, Collins was not so lucky.

  1. “Rack ‘Em Up” (lyrics). Grammy-winning, American blues guitarist Jonny Lang, who has toured with everyone from the Rolling Stones to Aerosmith, released the 1997 album Lie to Me, which included this four-minute ode to billiards, written by Lang’s pianist Bruce McCabe. The brilliant lyrics talk about the opportunity to go down to Jack’s Pool Hall and play the resident ace, who only ever said “rack ‘em up” until “the day he was dead.” Best line: “I tell him listen son, ain’t no disaster |There ain’t no shame in being beat by a master.”
  1. “Sink the Pink” (video). On their ninth studio album, Australian bad boys Angus and Malcolm Young, the founding brothers of the legendary hard rock band AC/DC, released the 1985 song “Sink the Pink,” which is about sex and alcohol, naturally, with scant mention of pool. The video, however, features the gradual entry of Susie Cue, a high-heeled, pink-clad lady, who brings her own custom pink cue to the barroom, where she first challenges, and later dances, with a local patron. Also featured in the video is a conspicuously pink 3-ball and an animated fly, whose facial gestures are as memorable as Angus Young’s signature school boy shorts. (Note: AC/DC also featured clips of trick shot billiards wizard Florian “Venom” Kohler in the video to their 2014 song “Play Ball.”)

  1. “The Baron” (lyrics). In 1984, Gary Nelson directed famed man-in-black Johnny Cash in the made-for-TV-movie The Baron and the Kid, based on his 1980 tune “The Baron” from his 66th album of the same name. Peaking at number 10 on the US Country charts, “The Baron” tells the story about the pool hall showdown between The Baron and his son Billy Joe to determine who shoots “the meanest game around.” The Baron is repeatedly the 8-ball winner until Billy Joe, in a fit of rage, bets “this ring on one more game against [the Baron’s] fancy stick.” When the Baron realizes the ring belonged to his estranged wife, the family ties crystallize for him, and the deadbeat dad laments that had he not run out on his family, “maybe [Billy Joe] would shoot straighter than [he does].”
  1. “Snooker Loopy” (video). English pop rock duo Chas & Dave released the humorous single “Snooker Loopy” in 1986 with back-up vocals from the Matchroom Mob, a quintet of famous snooker professionals employed by promoter Barry Hearn’s company Matchroom Sport. If the lyrics are absurd (“We’ll show you what we can do |With a load of balls and a snooker cue.”), then the video, which features the five legends — Steve Davis, Tony Meo, Dennis Taylor, Willie Thorne, and Terry Griffiths – acting out the lyrics is downright preposterous, such as when the balding Mr. Thorne chalks his pate because “when the light shines down on his bare crown…it’s not fair giving off that glare.”

  1. “Ya Got Trouble” (lyrics). One of the most recognizable songs from the Tony Award-winning 1957 Best Musical The Music Man is “Ya Got Trouble,” written by composer Meredith Wilson. Sung by the smooth-talking, traveling salesman Harold Hill, who is determined to convince the citizens of River City, Iowa, to fund his idea for a boys’ marching band rather than a pool hall, the song conveys what could happen if they choose the pool hall. The lyrics are genius, with references from everything to three-rail billiards shots to Balkline, though my favorite verse is: “You got one, two, three, four, five, six pockets in a table. | Pockets that mark the diff’rence |Between a gentlemen and a bum, | With a capital “B,” |And that rhymes with “P” and that stands for pool!”
  1. “Bad to the Bone” (video). There was never any question about which billiards video would rule the roost. Of course, that honor goes to the 1982 video “Bad to the Bone” by George Thorogood and the Destroyers. Benefiting from heavy rotation on a nascent MTV, the video featured Thorogood competing in a billiards match with blues pioneer Bo Diddley. Billiards Hall of Famer Willie Mosconi appears in the video at 3:00 to make a large wager on Diddley, but it is Thorogood who prevails with his iconic 8-ball shot in which the ball appears to fall in the pocket as Thorogood flicks a large quantity of his cigar ash onto the floor.

So, there’s my Top 10. Did I slight the Maryland rockers Clutch for not including their single “Mob Goes Wild,” with a video featuring one of the all-time pool-hall beat-downs? Should I have cited the video for “Southernplayalisticadillacmuzik” by Southern hip-hip duo OutKast? Or, what about the lyrics to “Pool Shark” from New York ska pioneers The Toasters? Hopefully, this list provokes thought, if not outrage. And if so, let me know what you would have included on your top 10.

Special thanks to the creators of the following two websites for spurring my thinking:

 

The Road Scholars

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Do you know what a tush-hog is? When you hear the name “Daddy Warbucks,” do you picture Hubert Cokes rather than the bald guy from Annie? If someone says to you he has “the nuts,” do you realize he’s not talking about salty snacks?

Road ScholarsIf you answered “no” to these questions, then watching The Road Scholars is like attending your third cousin’s 50th high school reunion and sipping rum punch while no one offers you even ten seconds of attention. However, if you answered “yes,” then you’re likely going to bask in your front row seat to 70 minutes of war stories delivered by some of the most famous and fabulous pool hustlers of the 1960s and 1970s.

Filmed in 2008 at the annual Derby City Classic by pool photographer and historian Diana Hoppe, The Road Scholars originally consisted of eight hours of informal video interviews with 11 of the most well-known hustlers of the second half of the twentieth century. They were: Ronnie Allen, “Buffalo Danny” DiLiberto, Jimmy “The Philly Flash” Fusco, Freddy “The Beard” Bentivegna, Truman Hogue, Billy “Cardone” Incardona, Wade “Boom Boom” Crane, “Champagne” Eddie Kelly, Grady “The Professor” Mathews, “Hippie Jimmy” Reid, and Vernon Eliot. Ms. Hoppe then spent about two years editing the content down to 70 minutes for the DVD release in 2010.

For those expecting a movie or a documentary or anything even close to a narrated story, prepare to be broken. There’s nothing here for you. Without setup or introduction, except an opening slide that reads, “The finest professional pool players and hustlers known collectively as the Road Scholars,” Ms. Hoppe drops the viewer into a back room (at the Derby Classic), where a roundtable bull session is in progress and Mr. Incardona is holding center stage.

The sound production quality is average, the camera work rarely captures the whole 11-person posse on screen, and there is an absolute disregard from the attendees that this video recording may be watched by someone in the future. Yet, it’s this nonchalance, coupled with the obvious camaraderie among the men that produces such candid, honest, and ribald storytelling.

Some of the stories are more enjoyable (and easier to follow) than others. I loved hearing Mr. Incardona regale the group with his tale of Artie Bodendorfer playing one-handed pool in Vegas and outlasting all the other players so that he could break them down over a period of days. (In The “Encyclopedia” of Pool Hustlers, the Beard similarly describes Mr. Bodendorfer, saying he could “play for 2 or 3 days on coffee only…He would pee about once every 24 hours. Playing against him was so brutal that Artie had two people drop dead playing with him.”)

Mr. DiLeberto shares a great yarn about conning Pool Wars author Jay Helfert out of money with three-to-one odds by throwing a golf ball 130 yards. The Beard, ever the raconteur, recounts an incredible tale (that he also chronicles in The “Encyclopedia” of Pool Hustlers) of beating James “Texas Youngblood” Blunt out of $1600, only to have give the money back after Blunt’s stakehorse, Al Sherman, threatened the Beard with a 9mm automatic, thinking the Beard had gotten Blunt to dump the game, when in fact the Beard “beat him on the square.” The Beard also relates an inconceivable story about trying to dupe Archie “The Greek” Karras into thinking he was an eccentric billionaire. That clip is available to watch here.

Woofing aside, some of the best parts of The Road Scholars are the most intimate ones. For example, it’s a tender scene when the Professor inducts Mr. Kelly into the One Pocket Hall of Fame. After accepting the award gracefully, Mr. Kelly, who was the only attendee to have been inducted into the Billiard Congress Hall of Fame (2003), said that being “considered by many peers in the late ‘60s to be the best all around player…that meant more to me than all the trophies.” Or, when the Beard turns to Mr. Eliot and praises his character by saying how he let the Beard off the hook by not accepting his wager that he couldn’t make a particular trick shot. Of course, the single best line goes to the Professor, who offers to bring the roundtable to a close by offering “thanks to all the wonderful ladies and the great pool players. I’ve enjoyed all the matches and all the nights of love-making.”

Two of the attendees, Mr. Fusco and Mr. Reid, unfortunately do not receive on-camera time in the final 70 minutes. And, oddly, there is some unexpected footage at the very end of Larry Liscotti doing card tricks and of “Boston Shorty” Larry Johnson struggling to remember some of his accomplishments.

The Road Scholars is available to purchase on Amazon. She also just released this past November The Road Scholars 2: The Final Chapter, which includes never before seen footage of The Road Scholars, One Pocket Hall of Fame dinner, The Derby City Classic and The US Open.

For those (like myself) who did not grow up familiar with these legends of pool, I highly recommend also reading The Beard’s The “Encyclopedia” of Pool Hustlers. It provides backgrounds on all the attendees, includes many of the same stories shared on the DVD, and most important, brings the uninitiated into the wild world of pool hustling.

Road Scholars

The Road Scholars ends with a slide indicating it is dedicated to “Vernon Eliot and all the players we lost.” It is a terribly sad irony that since the DVD’s release, the billiards world has now lost almost half of the original group of 11. We mourn not only the passing of Mr. Eliot, but also that of Mr. Allen, Mr. Bentivegna, Mr. Crane, and Mr. Mathews.   Their stories need to be preserved and their impact on the sport needs to be told. Thank you Ms. Hoppe for helping to make that happen.

Top 10 Cartoon Cue Stick Carriers

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Beetle Bailey - Cartoon BilliardsRecently, I stumbled across the cover of a 1967 Beetle Bailey comic book featuring Private Beetle Bailey in one of his many ongoing efforts to taunt, tease, and rattle Sergeant Orville Snorkel, this time as he attempts to play pool. Looking at Mort Walker’s snaggle-toothed military man set up his shot, it made me wonder how many other cartoon and animated characters played billiards. While the list below is far from comprehensive, it is my attempt to list the TOP 10 CARTOON (AND ANIMATED) CUE STICK CARRIERS. Let the countdown begin:

Pinnochio - Cartoon Billiards10. Pinocchio. Gepetto may be harboring some regrets now that the Blue Fairy has breathed some life into his wooden puppet Pinocchio. In the 1940 film Pinocchio, the path to becoming a real boy is littered with distractions, including playing pool with the delinquent Lampwick and taking deep drags on fat cigars. My advice: keep listening to your “conscience” Jiminy Cricket…except when it comes to shooting billiards. For that, better to listen to Lampwick. He’s quite the shark!

Pat & Mat - Cartoon Billiards9. Pat & Mat. In the 1994 “Billiard” episode of the Czech stop-motion animated series Pat & Mat, the two handymen are determined to play a game destíkový carambol, which is Czech for “tenfold carom,” a variation of the carom billiards game four-ball. However, a faulty table leg dooms the game to one Rube Goldbergian solution after another, with balls eventually falling down the toilet and exploding in the fireplace.

Casper - Cartoon Billiards8. Casper. It’s hard to believe the Friendly Ghost could hold a cue stick, never mind make three balls in the same shot, but apparently that’s what this affable phantasm is capable of, according to this 1958 comic book. The jury is still out whether being able to float through a table is a true advantage. He did scratch, after all.

 

Woody Woodpecker - Cartoon Billiards7. Woody Woodpecker. The anthropomorphic avian with the annoying laugh is a long-time pool player, based on the 2002 “Cue the Pool Shark” episode of The New Woody Woodpecker Show. Facing off against his nemesis Buzz Buzzard, Woody manages to outplay the cheater with a series of gravity-defying trick shots.

 

Rainbow Fish - Cartoon Billiards6. Rainbow Fish. In the 2000 “Pool Shark” episode of Rainbow Fish, Chomper’s cousin Slick is visiting Neptune’s Bay, where he likes to hang at Wanda’s Café, which has a new pool table. The piscine pool player dazzles initially, causing Rainbow to swear his allegiance as a personal assistant and blow off his other friends. But, apparently his game is more cheating than skills, causing one to question the real upside of playing with flippers.

Marvel-DC - Cartoon Billiards5. Captain America. DC and Marvel collide in the pool hall, as America’s #1 Freedom Fighter temporarily puts down his shield and picks up his cue stick. Unfortunately, he might have been a little too distracted by Rogue in her thigh-highs, as he ends up knocking over the Man of Steel’s drink. Major pool faux pas…but then judging by Cap’s stance and grip, billiards was never really his game.

Tom & Jerry - Cartoon Billiards4. Tom & Jerry. Viewers of Tom & Jerry will recall that these two animals can really brawl. In the 1950 episode “Cue Ball Cat,” the battle takes place in a pool hall. Over the course of seven minutes, Tom torments Jerry with a variety of billiards shots that leave him spinning, reeling, running, chalked, and even imprinted (temporarily, of course) with an 8-ball on the backside.  Jerry, never one to back down from the big kitty, fights back, batting billiards balls into Tom’s eyes, shooting the bridge like an arrow into Tom’s mouth, and fooling Tom into swallowing seven balls.

Fred Flintstone - Cartoon Billiards3. Fred Flintstone. “Twinkletoes” may be well-known for his bowling and golf games, but the famous caveman of bedrock also had a real talent for pool, even with slightly crooked sticks and uneven billiards balls. Flintstone showed off his skills in the 1960 Flintstones episode, “At the Races,” as he and his BFF Barney Rubble hatch a get-rich-quick scheme that involves owning a pool hall.

Death Billiards2. Death Billiards. For real high-stakes billiards, check out the “death match” between the young and old man in the 2013 anime film Death Billiards. These two have been brought to a bar to compete in a game of billiards and to “play as if their lives depended on it.”  While it’s unclear who actually wins the game, let’s just say one should never play pool with balls that are adorned with images of body parts.

 

Donald in Mathmagic Land1. Donald Duck. Even if his game is not great, Donald ultimately develops the best attitude about billiards, learning to appreciate the games for its mathematical beauty in the 1957 featurette Donald in Mathmagic Land.   With the Spirit providing the educational commentary on the diamond system and an unidentified Roman Yanez providing the incredible three-cushion billiards visuals, this duck is well on his way to becoming a shark.

So, there’s my Top 10 list. Just don’t let that Wascally Wabbit know he didn’t make the cut. I hear once he puts down the carrot and picks up the cue stick, he’s quite the pro. See a character missing? Let me know who would be on your Top 10.