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Be Careful of the #FakeBilliardsMovie Scam

The news is overflowing with headlines about scams. “Real estate scams are on the rise,” declares Fox News. “Rental scams are on the rise,” says Forbes. “Investment scams,” “Employment scams,” and “Facebook scams” are all soaring.

And those are the obvious ones. We’re also seeing rises in “Homecoming mum scams,” “Toll payment scams,” and, heaven forbid, “Pig butchering scams,” to name just a few news-grabbers.

Yet, somehow within this swamp of scams, scant attention has been given to a trend that I first highlighted in 2017, and again two years ago: the #FakeBilliardsMovie scam. It wears many guises, but beneath its mask of misinformation, the FakeBilliardsMovie is a cultural con artist, a cinematic charlatan, a billiards bilker.

Look at this latest set of 15 visual sirens, but hold onto the rail and don’t get lured. Join the crusade and help me banish these bunco artists of the baize. (All summaries are courtesy of IMDB.)

15. Land of Fear (original title: Ardh el-Khof)

For a fleeting moment, I felt like Howard Carter must have in 1922 when he discovered King Tut’s tomb. After years of searching, I had stumbled across Ardh el-Khof, the first Egyptian billiards movie known to man (or, at least, to me). But, this unearthing proved a hoax. Beneath the billiards artifice, this 1999 film is about a police officer who is assigned to a secret mission as an undercover drug dealer and slowly loses his identity. So, it’s not only a sham, but a ripoff of the exceptional Deep Cover. #FakeBilliardsMovie

14. On Time

No doubt, Lilly Rikhter is multi-talented. Award-winning actress. Model. DJ. Thai boxer and powerlifter. Fitness bikini champion. But, even with all those accomplishments under her belt, and – let’s call it what it is – her assets on display, that’s not enough to give On Time a second look, especially when it shamelessly snookers you into thinking it’s a billiards film. On the contrary, this 2023 Spanish short film is about a woman framed for murder and her attempt to distance herself from the crime. #FakeBilliardsMovie

13. Bitterroot

In southwestern Montana, between the Bitterroot Range and Sapphire Mountains, lies the Bitterroot Valley. This area is not only the primary shooting location for the TV series Yellowstone, but also ground zero for the eponymous Western Noir short film, currently in post-production. Bitterroot looks like it’s where time forgot to pass. Somewhere between that wagon wheel and the pool table a billiards movie awaits with a slow drawl and a mean draw…except apparently not. Rather, this film is about some local townsfolk who are split over how to handle the disappearance of a greedy businessman. #FakeBilliardsMovie

12. Cue Ball (original title: Pitok)

The blood-stained cue stick separating the cue ball from the other balls had me crossing fingers that the 2022 Iranian movie Cue Ball was some kind of Agatha Christie / Walter Tevis cinematic stepchild. The enigmatic characters seem unruffled by whatever horror transpired on this table. But, more likely, the billiards is a red herring. The movie, about a young man named Ala who carries a big wound from his past, appears to have nothing to do with billiards. The only “break” you’ll hear in this film is from characters “breaking” away from family traditions and overbearing relatives. #FakeBilliardsMovie

11. Frigid Fantasies (original title: La Frígida y La Viciosa)

Almost 50 years before 50 Shades of Grey had Anastasia Steele playing naughty S&M games with Christian Grey, Spanish director Carlos Aured was making his own risque, softcore movie filled with sexual games and experiments. Aured’s film is about an attractive woman who introduces a married couple to a new sexual life. Hard to imagine what kind of game entails shooting billiards balls at the nether regions of a woman tied supine to a table, but I’m pretty confident it’s not one of standard billiards variants. #FakeBilliardsMovie

10. Naanum Rowdy Dhaan

The marketers of Naanum Rowdy Dhaan apparently couldn’t limit their lies to one poster; they doubled-down on their duplicities, spreading their half-truths across two posters. This 2015 Indian Tamil-language romantic action comedy film couldn’t give two billiards balls about the sport, contrary to the posturing of the film’s stars Vijay Sethupathi and Nayanthara. Oddly-held cue sticks notwithstanding, the movie is about the son of a police inspector, who becomes involved in illegal activities and falls in love with a deaf woman on a quest to get revenge against a ruthless gangster. #FakeBilliardsMovie

9. Juke Joint

Between 1915 and the early 1950s, more than 500 “race films” were created and produced outside the Hollywood system for black audiences and featured black casts. Juke Joint is a 1947 Bert Goldberg race film. Like most of those 500+ films, this one was assumed lost. The good news is a print was found in a warehouse in 1983; the bad news is that its unearthing was accompanied by such a misleading lobby card. Never mind that the pictured table seems to be missing quite a few colored balls. The greater outrage is that the movie is not about billiards; it’s about a con artist and his dim-witted sidekick who hustle their way into a boarding house where they are entrusted to give “poise lessons” to an aspiring beauty queen named Honey Dew. #FakeBilliardsMovie

8. Deux Soeurs

French Polynesia is known for its stunning beaches and resorts, not its film output. Its island Tahiti has been the location for many films (e.g., Point Break, Soul Surfer, Mutiny on the Bounty), but the country of origin for a film? Not too often. That’s why I was initially giddy to discover Deux Souers, a French Polynesia short film released in 2022. The poster suggests mystery, secrets, control, and of course, billiards. After all, the billiards table literally foregrounds the entire picture! Yet, the poster ultimately delivers only disappointment, as in, “I’m super disappointed that this movie, which has a character recounting her sister’s story, from her rebirth as a woman to the assault that will lead to her death, has absolutely zero to do with billiards.” #FakeBilliardsMovie

7. Iya Aimodi

Eight thousand miles away from Hollywood a completely different, vibrant film industry exists within Nigeria. It’s called Nollywood, and it releases more than 2500 films per year. In 2023, one of those films was Iya Aimodi, and from the looks of the poster, it was about a whole different type of action happening on the billiards table. Whether the nookie is real, the billiards is not, unfortunately. This Yoruban movie is about a woman who infiltrates the marriage of a young couple by posing as a maid so she can claim vengeance and justice for past wrongs. Yeah, that’s precisely what jumps out at me from this poster!?! #FakeBilliardsMovie

6. The Split

After filming the spectacular The Dirty Dozen in 1967, Jim Brown, Donald Sutherland, and Ernest Borgnine reunited one year later, along with Warren Oates, Jack Klugman, Julie Harris, and Gene Hackman, to film The Split. Based on a half-million dollar heist that goes sideways when the money disappears and the crew start blaming one another, the movie sounds fantastic…so why did the marketers need to taint it with this ridiculous lobby card? I’m not sure which is the greater crime: the stolen $500,000 or Jim Brown’s risible bridge. And for an extra 100 C-notes, please explain why there appear to be two 14-balls on the table. #FakeBilliardsMovie

5. Squadra Antiscippo

If I were to update my blog post, “Top 10 Billiards Brawls,” I might need to swap in Squadra Antiscippo, a 1976 Italian police drama, that appears to provide a healthy dose of pool pandemonium. Does that guy in the blue jeans really have a cue ball in his mouth? But, bedlam aside, this is not a billiards movie; it’s a film about an undercover cop who finds and arrests a series of purse snatchers until he discovers an American at the top of an evil ring of thieves. #FakeBilliardsMovie

4. Age of Love (original title: Возраст любви)

Lasting only four episodes, this 2016 Russian melodrama TV series focused on Igor and Olga, two unremarkable and unrelated individuals who have a chance encounter in a sanatorium, where each of them wanted to find peace from the bustle of everyday reality. Here, they awaken to a new world of happiness and unknown feelings, which seems to include a meet-cute where the man stereotypically shows the woman how to aim a shot in a game of Russian pyramid. I hope she becomes as good as Anastasia Luppova; otherwise I’m decrying this Russian ruse. #FakeBilliardsMovie

3. Yoon Yool-Ah’s Three Cushion

We’re knee-deep into global examples of movie marketers misleading audiences with their underhanded usage of billiards imagery. The panache of pool can beguile the best of us into watching anything: cheesy rom-coms, melodramatic morality tales, cop stories, Westerns, comic book capers, you name it. But, I think the 2019 South Korean film Yoon Yool-Ah’s Three Cushion takes the prize. Yep, it’s a Korean porno. So, the next time someone says, “Sex sells,” remember: “Billiards sells, too.” #FakeBilliardsMovie

2. Hermosa Justicia

I don’t want to overreact to the poster of the 2023 Costa Rican film Hermosa Justicia. After all, this is the country of pura vida. Besides, billiards and leather-clad superheroines sounds like a great combination shot. But, this story of two costumed women uniting to take down the villainous Dr. Olman, who has recently escaped from prison, has as much to do with billiards as Catwoman had to do with good movie-making. It’s cinematic capriccio, a case of disguised identity, just like our two masked crusaders. #FakeBilliardsMovie

1. Bones | Big Bang Theory

Here’s my rule: if you’re going to market a TV show with billiards, feature the sport in at least one episode. Maybe I can cut Bones some slack. The Fox series aired in 2005-2006 and only had 22 episodes. At least one scene featured FBI Agent Seeley Booth burning the midnight oil in a pool hall. But, there’s no forgiving The Big Bang Theory, that primetime juggernaut with 279 episodes and average viewership often north of 15 million. If a short film can be made about Isaac Asimov’s sci-fi story “The Billiard Ball,” and multiple TV shows can discuss the physics of pool, then surely Sheldon Cooper can pick up a cue stick just once and give the game a quantum physics makeover. #FakeBilliardsMovie

So, where do we go from here? Call the FTC to report false advertising? Reach out to Scambusters? I’ve read naked potholing can be an effective protest strategy (at least in Saskatchewan). I’m admittedly a bit dejected from trying to denounce this dupery for the past seven years, but I have another idea: grab some popcorn and check out any of the 300+ legitimate billiards movies, TV shows, short films and web episodes!

Inaugural Billiards-Themed Non-Billiards Magazine Awards (Part 2)

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In my previous post, I announced Part One of the Inaugural Billiards-Themed Non-Billiards Magazine Awards. These are magazine covers from the past 100 years, from around the world, that feature either billiards or billiards professionals on their covers.

Unlike the recently maligned Golden Globes ceremony, my awards were received positively; readers expressing gratitude, enthusiasm, and the reluctant agreement that billiards does not often receive the respect it deserves. As D.C. Walker shared on Facebook, “Anyone that thinks [billiards] is not a sport has obviously never played in a week-long tournament and made it to the $$$$. It’s mentally and physically draining.”

I thought I had maxed out with my original treasure trove of 163 covers, but just over the past two weeks, the number of eligible covers increased 15% to 187. New entrants include a cover of The Sportsman from 1928; a 2021 cover of Das Heu, a German magazine devoted to the fields of self-publishing and graphic design; and a 2003 cover of the Australian magazine Tattoos Down Under.

So, lest my opening monologue drown out the awards, let’s jump right into the second half of the Inaugural Billiards-Themed Non-Billiards Magazine Awards.

BEST SUNDAY MAGAZINE SUPPLEMENT TO ACKNOWLEDGE BILLIARDS

Winner: The New York Times Magazine (February, 1992)

Sunday magazine supplements to daily newspapers have been around since The San Francisco Chronicle made history in 1869. The content is not as timely or current, and the articles cover a wide range of topics, including (once in a 2-ball-blue moon) billiards. On February 23, 1992, The New York Times Magazine – our award winner – featured “The Striking Viking” Ewa Mataya on its cover and a story on her “campaign to change the game’s image.” Talk about a noble cause true to my heart.

Runner-up: In April, 1975, the cover of the Arkansas Gazette featured Telly Savalas leaning over a pool table. And, before you make any cue ball jokes, remember that Kojak plays pool (from the episode “Before the Devil Knows.”)!

MOST INTERESTING BILLIARDS CURE FOR READING APATHY

Winner: Alfred Hitchcock’s Mystery Magazine (November, 2011)

Given people between the ages of 15 and 44 read for an average of 10 minutes or less per day, it’s hard to imagine who is the audience for the estimated 5,000 literary magazine titles currently in production.

But, if anything can turn around the reading blues, it’s a billiards story, starting with this award-winner, the 2011 issue of Alfred Hitchcock’s Mystery Magazine, with its “Slip Knot” cover story by author David Edgerley Gates. While I was drawn in by the bold artwork, it was the teaser that seduced me, “The pool hall was packed, and the fix was in.”

Runner-up: Real Detective looks like first-class trash, but I’d be lying if I said the cover of the August 1985 issue, with a barely-clad woman supine on a pool table, didn’t leave me wanting to peek inside.

BEST COVER PREDATING THE BILLIARDS RENAISSANCE

Winner: Uhu (March 1925, Germany)

The Hustler came out in 1961, ushering in the modern Billiards Renaissance and extricating the sport from the confines of a few to the imagination of many. Or, so the story goes. But, as pre-1961 covers demonstrate, billiards has been around for a long time, knocking on the doors of everything from our private estates to our public barrooms.

With its playful carom billiards cover, featuring a cue-ball headed player whispering to his table-bound brethren, the March 1925 issue of Uhu is the category’s winner. Uhu was a German monthly magazine published between 1924 and 1934 that focused on culture and science.

Runner-up: Emmett Watson illustrated the January 25, 1941 cover of The Saturday Evening Post. With Japan having recently attacked Pearl Harbor, and Hitler turning his attention to the Soviet Union, the world was indeed behind the eight ball.

MOST OVERDUE AN AVN AWARD

Winner: Screw (October, 1976)

Billiards and sex have been bed partners between the pages and on the covers of magazines at least since 1936, when a coquettish young woman focused our attention on her derriere on the cover of Stolen Sweets.

But, to bring home the AVN, more than a flirtatious wink is required. (Sorry, Playboy.) The #NSFW winner is the October 1976 cover of Screw, Al Goldstein’s “raunchy, obnoxious, usually disgusting, and sometimes political” pornographic magazine. (To be clear, this award in no way endorses the rather dangerous game of pocket pool being played.)

Runner-up: The May 2021 cover of Quiver, which showcases “kink, goth and the darker side of sexy” as well as a terrible cue stick grip and bridge.

BEST POLITICAL USE OF BILLIARDS IMAGERY

Co-Winners: Der Spiegel (January, 2017, Germany) and India Today – Tamil (2013, India)

Years ago, I saw a 1942 World War 2 poster in which an 8-ball careens toward a trio of billiard balls imprinted with the faces of Hitler, Mussolini, and Hirohito. “Production will put them behind the eight ball,” rallies the poster. It’s visually arresting, an ingenious integration of billiards imagery and lingo and political content and messaging.

This category’s co-winners are similarly creative with their billiards-themed, politically-charged cover illustrations. Four days after President Trump’s 2017 inauguration, the German news magazine Der Spiegel published its issue with an American billiards ball aimed at a rack of billiards balls emblazoned with flags from other countries. The cover story translates to, “The New World Order.”

Similarly, in a 2013 issue of India Today (Tamil), a cue ball with the initials CBI (for Central Bureau of Investigation, the premier investigating agency of India) is aimed at a rack of balls with faces. I don’t recognize the individuals, but can only assume they are a gaggle of corrupt politicians.

MOST WELCOMING FOR RETIREMENT

Winner: The Go (June-August, 2018)

According to Connelly Billiards in Tucson, Arizona, “Billiards tables are very popular in retirement homes and assisted living facilities…When seniors engage in activities that require them to problem-solve, as billiards does, it can prevent the cognitive decline that can lead to dementia.”

While I cannot validate that assertion with actual statistics, the magazine covers of various retirement communities do hint at the prominence of pool. The easy winner in this category is the June-August 2018 cover of The Go, the magazine for Longmont, Colorado senior services. The issue profiles Dorothy, a Longmont native who plays billiards with her granddaughters. Go grandma!

Runner-up: The September 2022 issue of Kokomo, a regional magazine focused on Kokomo, Indiana, highlights the city’s lively senior citizens center, which includes a pool room with multiple tables.

MOST LIKELY TO MAKE YOUR HEAD HURT

Winner: Comics & Science (January, 2022, Italy)

Billiards is a sport of geometry and physics (but not chemistry, making the April 2017 cover of Chemistry – A European Journal a bit perplexing). The math and science has been illustrated in numerous billiards television episodes and short films, ranging from Donald in Mathmagic Land to the “Let’s Play Long Billiards” episode of Discover Science.

Among magazines, the category winner is the January 2022 issue of Comics & Science, an Italian publication that pairs authors with researchers to express concepts and problems faced by the scientific community in the language of comics. This cover story focuses on Maryam Mirzakhani, a pioneering mathematician, who explored questions such as what trajectory does the ball make when bouncing off the table? Is it possible to find a billiard table where, given the starting point of the ball, there are inaccessible points?

Runner-up: Scientific American is the O.G. of this category. The January 1994 cover shows a cue ball breaking a rack and tracking the motions of the balls. The intractable problem: how to calculate the paths the ball will take.

MOST LIKELY TO STEAM UP THE ROOM

Winner: Maxim (April, 2011, South Korea)

Billiards does not tend to make the top 10 lists for sports with the sexiest male athletes or female athletes. Perhaps true, but check out Jennifer Baretta (FHM), Shanelle Lorraine (Maxim) or Mark Selby and Judd Trump (in a commercial for Chinese fashion label K-Boxing), and you might reconsider.

Sizzling eyeballs in this category is Cha Ya Rum on the April 2011 cover of the South Korean edition of Maxim. She has been called the “Goddess of Billiards” for her celebrity-style looks. She won gold for 9-ball singles in the 2009 Asian Indoor Games.

Runner-up: Published in India, The Man is the luxury magazine for the discerning male. The January 2011 issue features Pankaj Advani, the “golden boy of billiards,” and posits the question, “Is he the last gentleman alive?”

BEST PAIRING OF MUSIC AND BILLIARDS

Winner: Monkees Monthly (April, 1969, UK)

Billiards and music collaborate wonderfully, like Rodgers and Hammerstein, David Bowie and Queen, or Chas & Dave in their 1986 hit “Snooker Loopy.” Musicians write about billiards, they create videos about billiards, they feature billiards in their album cover art, and they certainly play billiards.

It’s only natural that musicians would star with their cue sticks on the covers of music magazines. Award-winning exhibit A: the April 1969 issue of Monkees Monthly, featuring lead singer Davy Jones poised and ready to take his shot (and melt fans’ hearts everywhere).

Runner-up: Aaron Taylor may not be well-known, but under his stage name, MC Eiht, the rapper has built a huge following. When The Source put him on its February 1995 cover, they seized the literal moment and situated him at a pool table, surrounded by 8-balls.

BEST OPPORTUNITY TO INTRO THE LITTLE TOTS TO BILLIARDS

Winner: Billiken (1930, Argentina)

In late 2020, I published a blog post entitled, “The Billiards Industry Needs Its Bobby Brady.” The title was a tongue-and-cheek reference to the memorable Brady Bunch episode “The Hustler.” But, the article’s larger point was that to inspire the next generation of pool players, pop culture needed to portray and embrace the pre-adult billiard-playing population.

A smart avenue, albeit not a popular one, is showcasing billiards on the cover of children’s magazines. To my knowledge, the best-known examples – e.g., Highlights, Ranger Rick, National Geographic Kids – have eschewed billiards. Thankfully, Billiken, a Spanish language magazine first published in 1919 and still in print today, chose otherwise. This Argentinian publication’s 1930 cover, featuring a determined, diapered baby attempting to pocket a ball, is this category’s winner de oro.

Runner-up: The Indian magazine Dimdima targets readers between the ages of 8 and 16. Thanks to its October 2013 cover story, that demographic will be a little wiser about billiards and the Indian snooker sensation Aditya Mehta.

That concludes the Inaugural Billiards-Themed Non-Billiards Magazine Awards. While I was only able to honor a small number of the eligible covers, I encourage you to view the full lot and send me any you stumble across that I am missing. After all, if billiards can grace the cover of Alaska Business Monthly, I’m pretty sure it can pop up anywhere.

Inaugural Billiards-Themed Non-Billiards Magazine Awards (Part 1)

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As the popularity of billiards has intermittently waxed and waned over the past century, numerous billiards magazines and journals from around the world have aspired to keep an ear to the baize for its fan base. By my count, almost 100 different publications have reported on the sport.

They span a lifetime: from Billiards Magazine, the industry’s pioneer which launched in 1913, to its current incarnations, such as Billiards Digest, Pool & Billiard, SPM Media, and Snooker Scene. They have spanned the globe: from Cue’s (Japan) and d’Billiard (Indonesia) to Billiard World (Russia) and Bubbles (Croatia). And, they have tackled the sport at every angle: from the highly quantitative (Accu-Stats) to the questionably (in)appropriate (Billiards Table Talk).

For the sports’ professionals, the magazines have provided visibility and exposure to a larger audience, albeit not that large or for that long with many of these publications. Nonetheless, to paraphrase Dr. Hook & the Medicine Show, it “is the thrill that’ll getcha when you get your picture on the cover of ~~the Rollin’ Stone~~ a billiards magazine.”

But, the story gets much more interesting when we leap beyond those 100 billiards publications (of which perhaps 10 are in print today). The global print and digital magazine industry was approximately $90B in 2020. There were 7,416 print consumer magazine titles in the US alone in 2020. I have no idea how many there were in the world.

All those different titles create a massive opportunity both for showcasing the sport’s stars to a non-billiards fanbase, and for reminding the world of the visual, emotional, and metaphoric power of the game. Seeing is believing, and the surest way to ensure the long-term survival of the sport is to keep it front and center, however, whenever, and wherever.

Excluding the aforementioned billiards publications, I have found 173 non-billiards magazines that either feature billiards or billiards professionals on their covers. Once again, they cover 100 years, criss-crossing the globe and infiltrating news, music, culture, and every other magazine genre. To make sense of such a motley mélange of magazines, I created the Inaugural Billiards-Themed Non-Billiards Magazine Awards. (Part 1 is below. Part 2 will be in the next blog post.) Call it the alt-Ellies, phenolic resin, chalk dust, and all.

BEST SPORTS PUBLICATION TO RIGHTFULLY RECOGNIZE BILLIARDS AS A SPORT

Winner: Sports Illustrated (2010, China)

Having grown up with Sports Illustrated covers plastering my bedroom walls, I still cannot forgive the US magazine for failing to feature billiards on its cover. It’s not because it’s niche; chess, bowling, and ballooning have all graced the cover. At least SI ran a story on Jeanette Lee, entitled “The Little Blessings of the Black Widow,” in the October 7, 2021 issue.

Fortunately, the China edition of Sports Illustrated did not make the same mistake. A 2010 cover features Chinese snooker player Ding Juhui, the most successful Asian player in the sport’s history. Having recently won the 2009 Pukka Pies UK SnookerChampionship, Mr. Juhui was ranked fifth in the world at the time of this issue.

Runner-up: Sportstar, the monthly Indian sports magazine, featured national star Pankaj Advani on its cover both in September 2009 and November 2014.

LEAST OBVIOUS COUNTRY TO RAISE ITS BILLIARD FLAG

Winner: наш спорт (2022)

For countries, such as the United States or France, that publish upwards of 7,000+ magazine titles per year, it’s not surprising to see billiards imagery sprinkled across a smattering of titles. But, for less obvious countries, where the number of magazine titles published is under 1,000, seeing billiards imagery is like sinking the 8-ball on the break.

This award goes to the 2022 issue of наш спорт, a Belarus publication that translates to Our Sport. Not sure who is gracing the cover, but the magazine is dedicated to the “promotion of a healthy lifestyle, the education of a healthy harmonious personality, the priority value of which is an active, healthy and long life.”

Runner-up: The Italian magazine Grazia did its first international spinoff with a Bulgarian edition. A 2022 issue features model Elsa Matiz “playing to win” (assuming she catches that 8-ball).

HOTTEST CELEBRITY TO HOLD A POOL CUE

Co-Winners: Veronica (June 1999, Netherlands) and Vanity Fair (January, 2015)

There are lots of lists of celebrities shooting billiards. I recently wrote about Fred Astaire, a maestro of the sport, who made his own shots across four episodes of Dr. Kildare.

This award, however, has zero to do with billiards skill; it has everything to do with that feral combination of hot Hollywood bods, suggestive, physical contortions, and all the sexual innuendo packed into stroking shafts and pocketing balls.

There was a lot out there to ogle, but it’s a tie between a leopard print lingerie-clad Neve Campbell gracing the 1999 cover of the Dutch magazine Veronica and Bradley Cooper giving us his baby blue stare on the 2015 cover of Vanity Fair.

LOUDEST TOAST TO BILLIARDS MOVIES

Winner: Life (November, 1986)

I may have discovered more than 300 billiards movies, TV episodes and short films, but I freely admit most are unlikely to receive more than an ⅛ page vertical of magazine copy. Ever. Never mind a cover.

Of course, The Color of Money was no ordinary film. It was a sequel, directed by the legendary Martin Scorsese 25 years after the Oscar-winning original, that paired two generations of megawatt stars, Paul Newman and Tom Cruise, fresh off of Top Gun.

Not surprisingly, this category’s winner, the November 1986 issue of Life, salutes that film by offering a “private visit with the new hustler and the old pro.”

Runner-up: While it’s tempting to award the December 1986 issue of US, or the November 1986 issue of American Cinematographer, which both focused on TCOM, the award goes to a 1989 Chicago Tribune – TV Week, which shows James Earl Jones and Mario Van Peebles starring in the little-known billiards episode, “Third and Oak: Pool Hall.”

MOST DESERVING OF A LARGER AUDIENCE

Winner: Flex (March, 1986)

The audience for niche interests is wildly varied, vast, and boundless. Not surprisingly, niche magazines are ready and waiting to satiate these sub-groups’ desires for content. And, there are some really niche mags out there: Emu Today & Tomorrow (emu farming), PRO (portable restroom operators), Girls and Corpses (‘nuff said).

While billiards has never graced the cover of Elevator World, it has extended its reach into some non-mainstream areas of interest. Flex, an American bodybuilding magazine with a peak estimated circulation of 78,000, wins this award with its March 1986 cover featuring strongman Albert Beckles. He may be “on the ball,” but I’m afraid he’s going to crush that cue stick into wood chippings.

Runner-up: Apparently, in Greece, haircuts are associated with billiards. At least, that’s my conclusion from the 2020 cover of The B. Mag, a Greek magazine devoted to the barber industry, which gives new meaning to the pool lingo, “a close cut.”

FARTHEST JUMP FROM BILLIARDS TO ANOTHER INDUSTRY

Winner: FWD (2002, Philippines)

Aside from his countless appearances on sports magazines, Michael Jordan appeared on the cover of everything from GQ and Ebony to Time and Cigar Aficionado. It’s a great sign when athletes can raise their profile beyond the pages of their industry’s publications.

Winning this category is the 2002 issue of FWD, a Pinoy men’s magazine, which featured Efren “Bata” Reyes and the “Black Widow” Jeanette Lee sharing the cover. Their joy is evident; it’s equally shared by us billiards fans.

Runner-up: The 2015 Autumn issue of Whiskeria, a British magazine devoted to unlocking the mystery of whisky, is remarkable for featuring Michaela Tabb on its cover. Not only is she a snooker personality in the world’s leading whisky magazine, but she’s a snooker referee!

BEST UNIVERSITY TO ATTEND

Winner: Black Hills State Alumni Magazine (Fall, 2022)

We’re currently exploring universities for my son. There are a myriad of factors to consider when applying: location, tuition, size, culture, Greek life, academic disciplines, etc. But, the prevalence of billiards? That’s a criterion I had not considered.

Whether to appeal to the student body or their alumni, various universities over the years have chosen to highlight billiards in their public relations. But, no university has done it better than our category winner, Black Hills State University, which put Shane Van Boening on the cover of their Fall 2022 Alumni Magazine. Though the “South Dakota Kid” did not attend the Spearfish, South Dakota based university, he’s about as close to a local legend as the school can ask for.

Runner-up: Kudos to the University of Michigan for its cover story on union renovations stripping away 97 years of pool hall history in their January 2018 issue of The Statement.

MOST UNINSPIRING USE OF BILLIARDS IMAGERY

Winner: Insurance Journal (March, 2006)

Milton Friedman’s 1953 essay ‘The methodology of positive economics,’ with its famous expert pool-player analogy, is one of the most cited and influential pieces of writing in twentieth-century economics. While the essay is controversial, it’s proof-positive of the widespread metaphoric application of billiards. But, just because billiards can be applied, does not mean it should be…

Claiming the win in this category is the March 2006 of Insurance Journal, a magazine devoted to the property and casualty insurance industry. Under the headline, “Rack ‘Em Up,” the cover features an off-camera player aiming at the 14-ball in a story about the “most popular pockets for accountants’ liability claims.” Talk about a crisis in mixed metaphors.

Runner-up: I’m still scratching my head to understand why the January/February 2017 issue of The Smart Manager, India’s first management magazine, shows billiard balls, cue, and chalk in a cover story on the future of management development programs.

MOST LIKELY TO IMPRESS BOB VILLA

Winner: Workbench (November-December, 1966)

Handcrafted America. Incredible Inventions. The Genuine Article. Furniture To Go. All of these television series have dedicated episodes to the craftsmanship and assembly of billiards tables and cues. No wonder a number of magazines in the Home Improvement sub-genre have similarly devoted cover stories to such a topic.

The category winner is the November-December 1966 issue of Workbench, a magazine about the use of tools and working with wood. The magazine’s strapline invites readers to “construct your own professional-type home pool table.” Three cheers for the Cleaver family shooting pool, but the icing for me was the billiard ball-themed masthead (albeit with two 4-balls).

Runner-up: Seven years after the Workbench issue, Popular Mechanics followed suit in January 1973 with a cover story about “how to build a deluxe pool table for $107.” Yet, somehow this DIY solicitation is much less inviting.

That concludes Part 1 of our Inaugural Billiards-Themed Non-Billiards Magazine Awards. I’ll share the remaining winners in my next blog post. Until then, if you stumble across any billiards imagery gracing the cover of a non-billiards magazine, please send it my way. Maybe there is a pool-playing potato farmer out there, just waiting to make the cover of Spudman.

Pool Tables: The Perfect Gift?

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Perhaps, my most prized physical possession is an eight-foot Olhausen Monarch pool table that I received as a gift when I turned 40. It’s an utter beauty, and it fulfilled a wish that started in college when I cut my first classes to play pool. As it happens, it also sparked my current avocation — blogging about billiards movies and television episodes.

With the holiday season upon us, now may be the time to give the gift of billiards and purchase a pool table – for the mancave, for the spouse-to-be, for the future Mosconi, for the family. The occasion does not matter; if it fits the house and the wallet, a pool table is a must-have.

Or so I thought until I culled through the annals of pool table presents in pop culture. Unfortunately, the writers and directors behind some of the most relevant gifts in billiards-themed media have a rather different impression.

The 1950s-1960s

The bad press began in 1956, but I cannot tell you why. The economy was strong, unemployment was down to 4.5%, and all that disposable income was fostering a love affair with consumerism.

Nonetheless, in the April 1956 “Bad Companions” episode of The Goldbergs, one of television’s first family sitcoms, Uncle David brings home a new pool table as a “fabulous gift for the whole family.” But, it becomes an instant headache, since neither family nor friends can, or are allowed, to play. David recruits some “professors” from the local pool hall to teach him, unaware they are hustlers. As David’s house becomes ground zero for horse gambling and other nefarious activities, he is ultimately ensnared in a raid and decried by the judge as “the dupe of unsavory characters.” That might put your future pool table munificence in check.

One month later, the “Opportunity Knocks But” episode of The Honeymooners aired. Ralph Kramden’s boss receives a new pool table as an anniversary gift from his wife. Not knowing how to play, he invites Ralph (and ultimately Norton) to come over to teach the finer points of the game. While Ralph seizes on the invitation as an opportunity for endless sycophancy, Norton shoehorns his way into the game so he can pitch business ideas that ultimately lead to Norton getting selected over Kramden for a coveted job. Now that is bad billiards mojo.

The Adventures of Ozzie and Harriet rounded out the year with the “Pool Table” episode. After Ozzie buys a pool table from the local department store, his playing plans are continually thwarted as he realizes he does not have a location for it. The pool table’s peregrination goes from the dining room to the kitchen to the garage to the outside yard and even to a neighbor’s house. Ultimately, Ozzie jerry-rigs a pulley system to haul the table up to the attic, but the table’s weight causes it to crash through the floor into the kids’ bedroom, rendering it largely useless for anyone taller than three feet.

Apparently the 1960s were consumed by other notable hobbies and activities, such as playing with GI Joes (1964) and Easy Bake Ovens (1963), watching the first Super Bowl (1966), or contorting to Twister (1966), as I could find no billiards gift-giving exemplars during the decade.

1970s-1990s

But, by the 1970s, the billiards bestowal was back in cultural vogue, starting with the 1973 Sanford and Son episode “A House is Not a Poolroom,” which opens with Lamont getting his father Fred a pool table for his birthday. The present is so well-received that Lamont can neither get his father away from the table to attend to his family responsibilities, nor can he get any peace and privacy in the house, since his father’s gaggle of friends have now ‘moved in’ to use the table. Sadly, the magnetism of the table becomes such a problem that he must ultimately get rid of it.

The 1974 “The Hustler” episode of The Brady Bunch revealed Bobby Brady’s knack with a cue after his father brings home a pool table as a thank-you gift from his boss Mr. Matthews. Bobby trounces his brothers in 9-ball, thereby winning a month of free shoe-cleaning. But the real fun comes when Mr. Matthews visits the house and is subsequently thrashed by Bobby on the table, losing 256 packs of chewing gum in a wager. Unfortunately, for the squeaky-clean Brady clan, the home is no place for such games of sin, and the table is promptly returned.

After The Brady Bunch episode aired, a 30-year drought of billiards benevolence ensued. Pool hustling was all the rage in television and film, and nary a table appears to have been gifted.

2000s – present

That deficit was corrected in the mid-aughts, starting with Vince Vaughn and Jennifer Aniston swapping barbs and bile in the 2006 movie The Break-Up, with each partner trying to outmaneuver the other in a bid to keep their luxurious condo. In one seminal scene, Vaughn’s character declares, “My whole life I always wanted my own place with my own pool table. I finally got my own place, but you would not allow me to get my own pool table. I figured I’d rectify that today.” As expected, this self-gifting causes a maelstrom of subsequent damage, with Aniston’s character violently ejecting his possessions from the room.

Finally, there is the little-watched series Gary Unmarried. At the center of the 2008 episode, “Gary Gets His Stuff Back,” is a pool table, which Gary gave to his ex-wife Allison as a paper anniversary gift, and now he threatens to reveal racy photographs of her if she doesn’t return it to him. Though the table leads to blackmail and burglary, there is a silver lining, as both characters divulge that the true reason they want the table is because of all the good memories associated with it.

Maybe that’s the underlying lesson from almost 70 years of billiards largesse on the silver screen. Regardless of what agonies and horrors are associated with the gift, pool tables are the loci of wonderful experiences. Movies and television are make-believe, but pool tables as great gifts are most definitely very real.

Can Billiards Ads Sell Cat Food?

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While Shane Van Boening, Earl Strickland and Johnny Archer are unquestionably some of the world’s best contemporary men’s US billiards professionals, there is another American player who is likely the more popular household name.

Joe Camel.

Yes, RJ Reynolds’ famous ungulate, the 10-year mascot for Camel cigarettes, was a ubiquitous pool player in the late ‘80s and early ‘90s. Even if he never sank his shot.

Since the first World War, billiards has been a mainstay of print advertising, lending its allure and cue stick coolness to products around the world, from tobacco and alcohol (of course) to watches and nail polish. In fact, I’ve identified almost 150 print advertisements that use billiards to sell non-billiards related products.

But, what makes for a compelling billiards-themed ad?

To answer that question, Chet Moss, an advertising creative director (and, ok, my uncle) with decades of experience, joins me in selecting and discussing some of our favorites.

Jason Moss: Chet, these billiards ads are all over the place, from Australia to South Africa. Some are more than a century old. Did any themes jump out at you?

Chet Moss: Definitely. They all come down to one key letter: an “S.” Or, more specifically, “The 3 S’s of Billiards Advertising.”

Smoking. Seducing. Savoring. (Which, depending on the type of alcoholic drink one is savoring, also includes swallowing, swigging, sipping, slurping, swilling, slugging, scarfing, and sloshing, Yes, still all S.) Advertising opting to use billiards as the setting has a love affair with people who smoke, who want sex, and who like to drink. Chalk it up to what some admen/adwomen throughout the ages simply think is cool.

Jason: I’ll drink to that. Those S’s were prominent even in the oldest ads I could find, such as a 1914 ad for Fehr’s F.F.X.L., which associated cold beer with a good cue and cool nerves. Tell me about a couple that really snared your interest.

Chet: Well, from a savoring angle, I like the Beefeater Gin ad (1997), “If you’re too tired to go out tonight, etc.” It challenges the reader to get off the couch and go break a rack. Billiards, a martini, a shot in play all add up to living a little… and not letting time escape you. I raise a glass to the copywriter. Sorry that I can’t be as supportive to the smoking ones, as much for the idea of hawking bones as the quality of the work itself. The ad for Gitanes (1970s) is at least visually clever: table as ashtray, cue as cigarette. You don’t need any copy (beyond the warnings): the image just makes the instant association and it avoids showing beautiful people having the time of their lives as they smoke.

Jason: I’m anti-tobacco as well, but I have to give a shout-out to Camel’s ad (1949), featuring Willie Hoppe and Willie Mosconi, two of the greatest billiards players of all time. Not sure the “Boy Wonder” meeting the “Old Master” is suggestive, but I’m hooked. I also like the Portuguese ad (2000) for Sagres Beer. Creating a 15 ball rack of foamy beer heads is a visually sharp way to differentiate the darkness of Sagres.

But, let me go back to the 3 S’s. Feels like an easy bank shot to use billiards to sell cigs and liquor, no?

Chet: The convo exchange between Mosconi and Hoppe is fun. Certainly not enough to give them one single case of throat irritation! Ok, I’ll filter remaining cig commentary. But si to Sagres. Again, the visual play is like Gitanes. Arresting ad visuals are frequently a misdirection or a kind of double entendre of images.

Cigarette and alcohol ads don’t have a monopoly on seduction. The glistening car bodies take sex from 0 to 60. Clothing, hair, jewelry, cosmetics and even food advertising is seductive and savorous in many ways.

Jason: I’m glad you mentioned clothing. That’s an industry I hadn’t realized was so beholden to the baize in their advertising. While hardly seductive, the Imperial Underwear Company was astute to recognize in their ad (1914) my need for comfort in “every position and posture,” including making those hard-to-reach, across-the-table billiards shots. And, at least since the 1960s, Maidenform has been out to prove that billiards and bras make for a breath-taking combo (though I’m pretty sure none of my recent opponents were clad only in lingerie).

Chet: I’ve done ads for the ‘fashion’ category and comfort is a big deal. But way less than style. Which is where billiards comes in. It’s hard not to think of the game (or visualize it) without some finesse, sophistication, and flair (playing in your Maidenforms qualifies for flair, kind of a bare flair).

Jason: I’m fascinated that so many of the clothing ads connect billiards with upscale fashion. Look at the ads for Robert Wicks formalwear (1920s), Greenwood Furs (1959), or Wolsey (1980s). Billiards is associated with formality, gentility, elegance. That’s a far cry from the modern billiards barroom image, though I ascribe some of the difference to the highbrow treatment of snooker in the UK compared to the lowbrow treatment of pool in the US.

Lest I get out my billiards bullhorn, let’s move off sex and seduction. Tell me about some of the more surprising billiards ads.

Chet: There is a MasterCard ad (2001) that celebrates the connectivity of friends in the comfort of a now-converted den, the billiards table a new (priceless) focus for time well-spent. The Grand Optical curved stick is a stopper. Eye-catching, or eye-bending. Clearly this shot is going nowhere except to the nearest store for some new specs. Sometimes advertising is just gratuitously bizarre but I liked the simple graphicness of this. At the least, I looked at it, which is more than half the battle.

The Equinox ad (2013) is like Maidenform, only more dressed. But the message of dexterity plays well for both getting fit at the gym and sinking a carom into the corner pocket. Remind me about the rules again of having at least one foot on the floor. Oh those ad folks, taking license with the sanctity of the game! That’s dexterity.

Jason: For that shot, she might do well to don the Imperial Underwear I mentioned earlier. On a separate note, I was particularly partial to the billiards ads that positioned the attainment of the home billiards table as a milestone in life, a door to utopia. For example, the Chilean ad (2016) for Bauker power tools that equates assembling a billiards table with building one’s freedom. Even better, the Brazilian bank Sicredi has a wonderfully light-hearted cartoon ad (2014) in which a smiling customer has secured his financial credit for his new pool table, now he just needs his wife’s approval.

Chet: The Bauker ad is both clever and frightening. Not because of the odd depiction of people as robots or mannequins but because it immediately reminded me of putting together anything from Ikea. (Ah, but notice how they snuck a beer bottle into the schematic. There goes that little booze association again.) Back once more to the fashion world. I’m curious about your take on the Italian Fabi “Watch your step” ad (2004). I don’t think I saw this episode on Law and Order, SBV, Special Billiards Victims.

Jason: Watch my step? I think I better watch my opponent. Actually, it gives me flashbacks of the “Dead Rails” billiards episode (2014) from CSI.

So, final question: who wins the Clio Award for most unusual (or unexpected) use of billiards in an advertisement? My vote is the ad for Milk-Rite’s Ultraliner TLC 2000, known for its ultimate milking and gentle cow comfort. This is a whole new take on the concept of “cow pooling.”

Chet: An udderly good choice, incomprehensible as the relationship to billiards may be. I’m going with the Beerka Crunchy Bread Snack ad (2007). A few reasons: 1) the jest (not joust) of the headline; 2) the design which avoids the expected trap of green felt tables, cue balls, sticks, etc; and 3) the surprising, inverted storyline: pool is for drinking beer, not drinking beer while you’re playing pool. The element of surprise is a big winner in an ad.

Jason: Chet, thanks for joining me. As for the titular question, yes, billiards can indeed help sell cat food. Just ask Purina, makers of Friskies, who put two felines on a pool table in a 2004 ad. At least, I hope they succeeded in selling cat food because it’s going to cost a pretty penny to re-felt that table once the cats are done with it.

The #FakeBilliardsMovies Global Conspiracy

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Nero faked his own death. Tupac is alive. The earth is flat. Planet X will destroy us.

From the New World Order to the New England Patriots, we are awash in global conspiracies. It doesn’t take much “evidence” to make a small group apoplectic, obsessed that unseen puppeteers and power-brokers are rewiring the world in their special interests.

I’m not a conspirophile (though I, too, have a hard time explaining the launch of New Coke). But, I am increasingly concerned that there is a nefarious, multinational effort underway to discredit the sport of billiards by hawking its iconic imagery and idiom in #FakeBilliardsMovies.

I first wrote about this trend in 2017, when I identified 15 films that perpetuated this flimflam. (Public Pool Enemy No. 1? The 9 Ball Diaries.) Now, five years later, this pandemic of promoting pool in non-billiards movies has reached preposterous proportions. From Africa to Asia, from North to South America, the global film industry appears to be cashing in on this cinematic chicanery to entice wide-eyed watchers.

It must stop! No more can movie moguls double-down on such double-dealing. Join my cue sport crusade in outing this planetary panoply of #FakeBilliardsMovies! Let the impersonator roll call begin! (All summaries are courtesy of IMDB.)

Aftermath

Hopes were high that I had uncovered the first billiards movie from Sri Lanka. But, Aftermath, the debut 2020 short film from director Navi Rafaelle, is about a professional group of thieves whose bank heist goes sideways. P.S. to the Polo-wearing bank robber on the far left: don’t bring a cue stick to a gunfight. #FakeBilliardsMovies

90ML

90ML is a 2019 Telugu-language romcom from India about a man with fetal alcohol syndrome who needs to drink 90 milliliters of liquor three times a day to survive. Like the circular reflection inside a gemstone, the poster’s assisted pool player aiming at nothing is a surefire sign of a sham. The Deccan Chronicle panned the movie, calling it a “bad drink.” I call it a bad break for billiards. #FakeBilliardsMovies

The Devils: The Comeback

Originally titled El-shayatin: El-Awdah, this 2007 thriller from Egypt focuses on agent No. Zero, who must recruit his old team to stop a smuggling ring from stealing the treasures of Egypt. Apparently, this effort requires posturing around a pool table. No one notices that No. Zero is not who he says to be. I can only hope movie watchers see through this billiards ruse and realize it’s not what it appears to be either. #FakeBilliardsMovies

Where I Grow Old

To its credit, Marília Rocha’s 2016 Brazilian film, originally titled A Cidade onde Envelheço, racked up a number of awards and nominations. The movie is about two young Portuguese women who try to put down roots in Brazil. They wrestle with questions of friendship, identity, and belonging; contrary to what the poster may have you believe, they do not wrestle with questions of billiards. #FakeBilliardsMovies

The Red Rope

Scholars believe billiards arrived in the Old West by the 1840s. While it’s historically accurate to show a cowboy with a cue stick in this 1937 Western, it’s technically treacherous to show him shooting at the one-ball, cueball nowhere to be found. That’s a red flag for The Red Rope. I sure hope the competing outlaws Rattler Haynes and Grant Brade fire guns better than they play pool. #FakeBilliardsMovies

The Perfect Player

I can’t tell you much about the Nigerian movie The Perfect Player. The film is neither listed in the Nollywood Movie Database, nor in the IMDB profile of its star, Ray Emodi. Search for it on YouTube, however, and there are several “seasons” of this movie, available to watch in entirety. One thing I can tell you (after rapidly scrolling through all those full seasons): there’s no billiards! #FakeBilliardsMovies

The Continent

Director Han Han’s 2014 movie was no sleeper. Grossing more than $100 million, the Chinese film wowed audiences in festivals across Canada, Japan, Singapore, Hong Kong and South Korea. But, for a movie that purports to be about three men going on a road trip to the Western most end of China who face “crises of love, friendship, and faith on their journey,” it’s a mystery why the poster focuses on billiards (or what happened to the other two men). #FakeBilliardsMovies

Carambola

I was so convinced that Ferdinando Baldi’s 1974 Italian film Carambola (and its 1975 sequel Carambola Filotto…Tutti in Buca) was a billiards movie that I purchased an enlargement of the poster for my basement. But, like countless other saps, I was snookered. Carambola has nothing to do with three-cushion carom, save for an early (albeit excellent) scene. The movie is about an ex-soldier, who happens to be a billiards champion, investigating arms trafficking across the U.S.-Mexican border. #FakeBilliardsMovies

Diamonds are Brittle

This 1965 French film from Nicolas Gessner does not tread lightly on the baize. The lead character is a passionate billiards player, who decides to rob a bank to spice up his life. The movie’s original title, Un milliard dans un billard, translates to, “A billion in a pool table.” The movie’s posters – both French and Hungarian – use evocative billiards illustrations. Put all these elements together and it’s a cinematic combo that can cozen even the most discerning skeptic. Unfortunately, aside from a pool table with a secret compartment for conveniently hiding diamonds, it’s billiards bosh. #FakeBilliardsMovies

The New Adventures of the Elusive Avengers

Continuing the story of “The Elusive Avengers,” this 1968 Russian movie seems to have it all: a posse of young Red Partisans, including two orphan siblings; a fight with the White Guard; a secret map; agents in disguises; escape boats; intercepted airplanes; an ally with the wonderful name Bubba Castorsky; and – wait for it – a detonating pool ball. Somehow, with all those action and espionage elements, it’s the pool ball that makes it onto the movie poster. Fal’shivyy bil’yardnyy fil’m! #FakeBilliardsMovies

Pasanga 2

Next to the US, the country most culpable for committing cinematic cue stick cons is India. Aside from the aforementioned 90ML, there is Raja Natwarlal, Beejam, Disco Raja, Tagaru, and Naanum Rowdy Dhaan. But, it’s Pasanga 2, a 2015 Indian Tamil-language film which focuses on the issue of attention deficit hyperactivity disorder amongst kids, that really gets in my craw. Children, my god! Aren’t there parental permissions or labor laws that prevent this kind of crookery? It’s no wonder the sport is losing its youth. #FakeBilliardsMovies

Dead to the World

I will bring my jeremiad to a close with Freddie Hall’s 2018 UK short film, Dead to the World. This “comedy” is about “three broken individuals trying to be better people, fight their basest instincts and hold on to their jobs.” But, there’s nothing funny about its appropriation of snooker. Maybe this poster is prophetic? A billiards bodement that forecasts the sports’ fate in film? #FakeBilliardsMovies

I don’t have the answers, only my global conspiracy theory, easy to ignore but hard to dispute. But, if this pool piracy doesn’t stop, then, to quote Mr. Hall, our sport may indeed become “dead to the world.”

Will you raise your cue stick in support? And, if not, will you at least join me in watching hundreds of legitimate billiards movies, TV episodes, and short films?

Top 7 Billiards Companies Starring in TV and Movies

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It’s hard to overstate the financial impact of effective product placement in television and film. After Tom Cruise wore Ray-Ban Wayfarer sunglasses in Risky Business, sales of the model increased from 18,000 to 4 million. Hershey saw a 65% increase in profits after a famous extraterrestrial took a liking to Reese’s Pieces in E.T. And Toy Story provided a 4500% boost to sales of Etch A Sketch immediately after the film’s release.

Regrettably, billiards manufacturers and artisans cannot point to similar successes. (In fact, probably the most famous billiards product placement was in The Color of Money when Vincent crowed about his Balabushka, but that was actually a Joss cue!)

But if pristine product placement has proved elusive, there are a handful of compelling examples of billiards industry makers who have “broken the first wall,” stepping out of the product shadows to become the star of their own episode, specifically television documentary and science reality series. Here’s my list, from worst to best, of the Top 7 Billiards Companies Starring in TV and Movies.

Falcon Cue Ltd. Seven slow minutes elapse before viewers of the low-budget How Its Made episode, “Air Filters, Billiard Cues, Ice Sculptures Suits,” learn that the cues getting assembled belong to Falcon, the Canadian cue company launched in the early 1990s. This lifeless 2005 episode plays like a high-school-made how-to video, with 15 separate steps detailed, from step one (use a circular donut-shaped lathe to turn a block of maple into a cylindrical cue butt) to step 15 (buff the cue stick). Fortunately for Falcon, step 12 addresses using a motorized stamping machine to apply the company logo.
Thurston. The oldest snooker table manufacturer in the world, Thurston features in “The Bow, Ferrofluid, The Billiard Table” episode of Incredible Inventions from 2017. Viewers are walked through the step-by-step process of assembling a table, from selecting the timber and cutting the wood to ironing the table cloth and fitting the cushions.
Albany-Hyatt Billiard Ball Company. Don Wildman, host of Mysteries at the Museum, searches museums for relics that “reveal the secrets of our past.” In the 2018 “Lunar Fender Bender, Opera Angels and Billiard Balls” episode, he travels to the Albany Institute of History and Art, which features a 140-year-old box of the Hyatt Company’s 16 balls. Though the company went out of business in 1986, it carries the name of John Wesley Hyatt, whose invention of the celluloid billiard ball to replace the ivory ball revitalized the industry (and saved a lot of elephants). The story of that invention, and the company that followed, is told in the episode through a mix of historian voice-overs and actor dramatizations. Fun fact: Hyatt’s original celluloid billiard ball almost failed when the sound it made hitting another ball was too similar to a gunshot. Saloon owners freaked and canceled purchases, forcing Hyatt to update his formula by adding camphor to the mix. The rest is billiards history.
Dana Paul Cues. Paul, a maker of pool cues and espresso tampers in upstate New York, is the star of Gary Chin’s short documentary, The Cuemaker. Mr. Chin, a film student at Ithaca College, is on the hunt for the perfect 19.5-oz jump break cue. His quest leads him to Mr. Paul, who is committed to “cue-making perfection” and shares, “I am not attached to [a] particular piece of wood…I’m attached to the idea that it will become, it not treasured, at least respected by you or maybe even your children.”
Valley-Dynamo, Inc. In the world of coin-operated pool tables, Valley-Dynamo is a household name. Unsurprisingly, when the producers of Machines: How They Work wanted to tackle coin-operated tables, they turned to Valley-Dynamo. Airing on The Science Channel in 2016, the “Pool Tables, Gas Fired Boilers and Shopping Carts” episode combined photo-real CGI with factory footage to highlight the assembly of the dead rail, the mechanics of the coin recognition slot, and the interior “spider web of runways” that transport the balls.
Chuck Jacobi, Best Billiards. In 2016, Jill Wagner, the perky host of Handcrafted America, traveled to New Jersey to learn how Mr. Jacobi, a former military contractor, makes his customized billiards tables. (Viewers may recognize Ms. Wagner as the former host of Wipeout or scantily clad on the pages of lad mags such as Stuff and FHM.) Airing on INSP, the “Woven Rugs, Sunglasses and Billiard Tables” episode from season one featured Mr. Jacobi assembling a frame, “ripping” the rails, creating inlays out of the keys of antique abandoned pianos, and converting a dining room table into a billiards table. His customized tables retail for $3000-$18,000, not including Ms. Wagner’s assistance routing the end piece.
Richard Black Custom Cues. Back in 2005, the television series The Genuine Article answered its question, “Who makes the most beautiful pool cues?” by profiling Hall of Fame cuemaker Richard Black. On the “Puzzles and Pool Cues” episode, Mr. Black discusses his Antipodes cue, with 600 inlays and made from 16 different types of wood from 16 different countries. “Gentleman Jack” Colavita is also interviewed, unequivocally calling Mr. Black the best cue-maker.

So, for billiards companies thinking about how to optimize the return on spend from their marketing budget, it might be time to pursue a starring role on TV or in the movies.

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An abridged version of this article originally appeared in BCA Insider (Spring issue, May 2021)

Our Muse, Walter Tevis

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In the hallowed halls of competitive, individual, indoor sports, the name Walter Tevis should be engraved and canonized. Mr. Tevis, who died 36 years ago, was an American novelist and short story writer. And while his corpus was limited with just six novels, the adaptations of half of those novels into movies have had profound cultural and economic impact on the sports he described.

Mr. Tevis first became famous in 1961 when his novel, The Hustler, published two years prior, became the basis for the award-winning film of the same name. The movie The Hustler not only amassed glorious critical reviews, but also resuscitated the billiard industry. Interest and participation in the sport skyrocketed. Allegedly, the number of pool rooms shot up from 4,000 to 19,000 in just five years; organized billiards boomed; and television sports first began to cover straight pool matches.^[1]

That kind of impact was unprecedented, but it turned out not to be unique. Fast-forward 23 years and Mr. Tevis’ sixth novel, The Color of Money, a sequel to The Hustler, was adapted into a movie of the same name by director Martin Scorsese in 1986. And, once again, the billiards industry got its jump-start, albeit not at the same exponential level. Sales of pool tables and cue sticks rose. According to global research firm A.C. Nielson, the number of players increased from 30 million to 35 million, and the sport attracted a more upscale demographic.^[2]

However, it was Mr. Tevis’ posthumous third act – the adaptation of his 1983 novel The Queen’s Gambit into a seven-episode mini-series of the same name on Netflix in 2020 – that broke all the records. This time, it was not for billiards, but for another sport that is more sedentary, more dilatory, and more cerebral. That sport was chess.

https://youtu.be/CDrieqwSdgI

Sixty two million households watched The Queen’s Gambit in its first 28 days, making it Netflix’s most watched limited series. Google search queries for “how to play chess” hit a nine-year all-time high. Inquiries for “chess set” increased 250% on eBay. US sales of chess sets increased 125%. New players on Chess.com increased five-fold.^[3] Unsurprisingly, Mr. Tevis’ novel is now a New York Times bestseller…37 years after its initial publication!

Certainly, The Queen’s Gambit is not the first film about chess. As my brother, David Moss, has well documented on his website devoted to chess movies, the game has attracted moviegoers since Robert Paul created A Chess Dispute in 1903. Over the past century, prominent directors and actors have attached their names to chess films, from Ingmar Bergman (The Seventh Seal) and Catherine Deneuve (The Chess Game) to Samuel L. Jackson (Fresh) and Ben Kingsley (Searching for Bobby Fischer).

Yet, none of those movies remotely had an impact on the industry as comparable to The Queen’s Gambit. Why did this show about an orphaned girl who becomes one of the top chess players in the world, despite her addiction to pills and alcohol, reach number one on Netflix in 63 countries?^[4]

One reason is the series respect for the sport of chess. Former world champion Garry Kasparov, a consultant to The Queen’s Gambit, ensured the creators avoided pitfalls of past films, including unrealistic movements and blatant transgressions, such as boards oriented incorrectly. Real matches were often the basis for those in the series. Tension was created, precisely by investing in the nuances of the game, rather than skipping to the flash (the equivalent of the deplorable overreliance on trick shots in billiard films). And, the characters, from the protagonist Beth Harmon to the supporting cast to the Russian nemeses, were complex, not two-dimensional cut-outs. Of course, it also helped that The Queen’s Gambit was about seven hours in length and released during a pandemic.

I’m thrilled by the success of The Queen’s Gambit, but I can’t help wishing Mr. Tevis’ hat trick had culminated with one more adrenaline shot to the billiards industry. Since The Color of Money, billiards has not fared well on the silver screen, and its popularity among younger players is waning.

The Queen’s Gambit proves you don’t need an A-list actor, an exorbitant budget, a screenplay based on a best seller, or a prolonged marketing campaign to create high-quality viewing. Most important, you don’t need to dumb down the sport or reduce it to stereotypes and caricatures. If we can avoid these lazy cinematic tropes in future billiards films, that’s a gambit worth taking.

This article was originally written for and printed in BCA Insider (February 1, 2021).

[1] “Movie is Chalking Up Renewed Interest in Pool,” Los Angeles Times, November 23, 1986.

[2] “Upscale? Maybe, But Pool’s Pool,” Chicago Tribune, December 1, 1989.

[3] “From the Queen’s Gambit to a Record-Setting Checkmate,” Netflix, November 23, 2020.

[4] Ibid.

The Billiards Industry Needs Its Bobby Brady

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In 1966, at the age of just seven years old, a child pool prodigy named Jean Balukas appeared on the popular American panel game show, I’ve Got a Secret. She befuddled the judges, who were unable to guess her “occupation.” The notion of a bambino billiards player was too outrageous to consider.

The good news is Balukas was no flash in the pan. She became the youngest inductee into the Billiard Congress of America Hall of Fame, and she is widely considered one of the best players of the twentieth century.

But, sadly, the judges’ incredulity that someone so young could excel in pool has proven to be eerily prescient. Billiards has struggled to generate interest or gain acceptance among children. While it’s hard to find recent data, the National Sporting Goods Association’s 2013 study indicated that just 800,000 children (ages 7-11) had picked up a cue stick and they were half as likely to participate in billiards as the national population. (By comparison, almost five times as many similarly-aged children participate in bowling.)

With overall billiards participation in historical decline, the sport, tarnished by its pool hustling, barroom underbelly reputation, is in desperate need of new blood. The opportunity to start anew with a younger demographic is tantalizing. But, the question is how?

The representation of pool in pop culture can move the popularity needle, as billiards cinephiles know well. After the release of The Hustler in 1961, sales of pool equipment skyrocketed and the number of pool halls in the US doubled. Similar spikes in interest occurred after The Color of Money was released in 1986.

Unfortunately, to the extent movies and television could ever be a bellwether for tween/teen billiards interest, the cultural pickings are slim. Perhaps, the most famous child player on TV was Bobby Brady from The Brady Bunch. In “The Hustler” episode, Bobby is a disciple of the sport, practicing constantly, beating his brothers in nine ball, and predicting he will one day become “pool champ of the whole world.” Bobby dreams about pool, shooting while blindfolded and making famous trick shots, such as the six ball “Butterfly.” He even hustles his father’s work colleague out of 256 packs of chewing gum. For a fleeting moment, Bobby could have been his generation’s cultural pool avatar. But that was almost 50 years ago!

Since that 1974 episode, I have surfaced just five TV episodes or movies that prominently feature kids playing pool. In 1989, a 10-year old girl, who is actually a robot (!), shows her billiards excellence in “Minnesota Vicki” from Small Wonder. One year later, Stephen Urkel from Family Matters proved his mathematical genius could translate into billiards acumen in “Fast Eddie Winslow.” Then, in the 1996 “Student Court” episode of Saved by the Bell: New Class, high schooler Katie Patterson scored big with her trick shots. Fast forward another eight years and Drake Parker is a pool powerhouse in the “Pool Shark” episode of Drake & Josh.

While these episodes may have garnered a few snickers, they did not have cultural resonance and certainly none had an impact on children’s billiards habits. Incredibly, among movies, the landscape is even more barren; the only movie I could find that features a child player is the barely watchable 2020 film Walkaway Joe about a deadbeat dad and his 14-year-old pool-playing son, Dallas.

In the New Year issue of BCA Insider, Daniel Bastone provided some great, tactical insights about how to appeal to younger customers. But, if billiards is truly going to have a sporting chance of gaining popularity among Generations Z and Alpha, then the industry needs to move beyond miniaturized pool tables or Ewa Laurance doing “how to teach billiards to kids” videos for parents. The sport needs a pop cultural makeover. The sport needs its next Bobby Brady.

*************************

This article was originally written for and printed in BCA Insider (November 1, 2020).

Top 8 List of Billiards Players Promoting Products

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For professional athletes, product endorsements and commercial cameos are a part of the game and can translate to big dollars. This past year, tennis star Roger Federer received $86 million in endorsements – almost 12 times his earnings/winnings. Golfer Tiger Woods has raked in more than $1 billion (!!) in endorsements since 1996.^[1]

For certain products, the linkage is obvious, such as Nike and Michael Jordan. In billiards, think of Shane Van Boening and Cuetec Cues. The affiliation between Florian Kohler and Ozone Billiards is so strong, he seemingly named his “Big O” trick shot after the billiards supply store.

But, on many occasions, the athletic celebrity involvement can feel a bit stretched. Why was racing driver Danica Patrick the best choice for Go Daddy, or why did the Little Tikes toy company tap all-star hoopster LeBron James? And, nothing compares to Pro Hall of Fame quarterback Joe Namath promoting Beautymist panty hose.

Professional billiards players are not immune to this corporate camera-mugging cameo. In the past 40 years, more than a handful of players have extended their personal brand beyond the standard billiard supplies. So, as you think about individuals to tap for endorsements, I present, from worst to best, my Top 8 List of Pro Billiards Players Promoting Products.

Heinz Baked Beans. After watching first a child and then a teenage redhead spoon some beans, the final persona to finish out the carrot-topped trinity of eaters is snooker champion Steve Davis. So high was Mr. Davis’ Q-score in the late ‘80s that he did not even need to shoot billiards in this commercial. Simply chalking his knife was sufficient.

Cream Silk. In 2018, the Philippines #1 hair brand signed on Shanelle Lorraine to star in their mainstream hair care commercials. The rising star (“billiards champion” is a bit of a stretch), whose looks have attracted more attention than her game, brings “beauty and power,” in the form of loud shots, coupled with ever-flowing hair, to the red-felted table.

Infiniti Q50 Eau Rogue. Expectations were high for Nissan’s luxury hot rod when it premiered at the 2014 Detroit Auto Show. The prototype appeared in a promotional video that pitted racing driver Sebastian Vettel against Pan Xiaoting, who won the 2007 WPA world championship. In the video, Xioting says she achieved the highest speeds of her life. Unfortunately, her involvement was not enough to save the Eau Rogue. It was cancelled the following year.

San Miguel Pale Pilsen. This 2009 commercial may be in Tagalog, but you don’t need to understand it to instantly recognize world billiards champion Efren Reyes, who is joined by a trio of Filipino a-listers (boxer Manny Pacquiao, model Derek Ramsay, and actor/comedian Michael V). Beers, laughs, and a mystery bowl of peanuts follow.

K-Boxing. They are never identified, and no billiards tables or paraphernalia appear in the commercial. But, there they are – world snooker champions Mark Selby and Judd Trump – posing, flexing, and leaping through the air in their K-Boxing attire. The 2012 campaign was part of the Chinese top-tier menswear manufacturer’s rollout of their “Snooker Brand Marketing Season,” which was designed to capitalize on the increasing appeal of snooker across China.

Carling Black Label. In the 1970s and ‘80s, two of the world’s biggest names in snooker were Terry Griffiths and John Spencer. These rivals clashed often, but their most memorable match may have been when Gentleman John accidentally shot a ball into the nuts of the referee. When the “uncompromising” ref crushes the ball with his bare hand, the only solution considered to calm him is the leading lager with a “fuller flavor than any other.”

2011 Ford Explorer. “Does the rear seat fold flat?” That was the question being asked of the redesigned Ford Explorer. Who better to answer than the “Black Widow” Jeanette Lee, who brought her pool game to the back seat, breaking the balls and making a titillating cue-ball-into-stiletto-shoe combination.

Miller Lite Beer. The grand poobah of this category is Miller Lite, with its 1978 and 1980 commercials starring Steve Mizerak. The original featured the Miz making a series of trick shots, then closing with, “you can work up a real good thirst even when you’re just showing off.” The 1980 follow-up includes a who’s-who of personalities, such as Bubba Smith, Mickey Rooney, and Rodney Dangerfield, all competing against the Miz. But, he beats them handily, and leaving with actress Lee Meredith on his arm, says snarkily the key to his success is, “practice, practice, practice.”

Whether this list will make you rethink your product endorsement strategy is debatable, but it might make you reach for a Tuborg Gold courtesy of Ray Reardon.

This article first appeared in BCA Insider – BCA New Year Edition 2020.

[1] “The World’s Highest Paid Athletes,” Forbes, June 11, 2019

15. Land of Fear (original title: Ardh el-Khof)

14. On Time

13. Bitterroot

12. Cue Ball (original title: Pitok)

11. Frigid Fantasies (original title: La Frígida y La Viciosa)

10. Naanum Rowdy Dhaan

9. Juke Joint

8. Deux Soeurs

7. Iya Aimodi

6. The Split

5. Squadra Antiscippo

4. Age of Love (original title: Возраст любви)

3. Yoon Yool-Ah’s Three Cushion

2. Hermosa Justicia

1. Bones | Big Bang Theory

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