Category Archives: Billiards TV

The Billiards TV category is about television episodes that prominently feature billiards or have plots centered around billiards.

Sledge Hammer! – “The Color of Hammer”

Billiards has been the centerpiece of some great television parodies, such as Mad TV – “The Hustler” (1999), Mr. Show – “Van Hammersly” (1995), and, of course, the hilarious 1987 short “The Hustler of Money,” which featured Ben Stiller doing an over-the-top impersonation of Tom Cruise’s The Color of Money character, who has traded in his cue stick for a bowling ball.

Color of HammerUnfortunately, not all billiards spoofs have been this humorous. For example, way down at the other end of the baize is the insufferable and utterly uncomic Sledge Hammer! episode, “The Color of Hammer.”

Sledge Hammer! is a satirical police sitcom starring David Rasche as Sledge Hammer, a San Francisco Police Department inspector who is destructive, sexist, insensitive, simplistic, and calloused. As hinted by the opening sequence, a sensual close-up of a .44 Magnum resting on a satin pillow, Hammer’s natural instinct is to solve every case with violence. His crime-fighting ways naturally draw the ire of his partner, the beautiful, intelligent and sophisticated Detective Dori Doreau (Anne-Marie Martin) and the uptight, apoplectic Captain Trunk (Harrison Page). The series lasted on ABC for only two seasons before it was canceled in 1988 due to low ratings and direct competition from superior shows like Miami Vice.

“The Color of Hammer” aired in January 1987, at the tail end of the show’s first season. (Many of the episodes’ titles lampooned 1980s films and television shows – e.g., “The Spa Who Loved Me,” “The Secret of My Excess,” and “Miss of the Spider Woman.”) The full episode is available to watch here.

The episode centers on Sledge’s investigation of the murder of hardline Superior Court Judge Liam Jackson, who is killed shortly after inexplicably dismissing all charges against an obviously guilty mob figure. Though Hammer seems oblivious to the knife sticking out of the judge’s back, he has a flash of genius when he connects the blue chalk under the judge’s fingernails with the Cues ‘R’ Us matchbook in his pocket, and deduces that the judge may have been hustled and blackmailed, which ultimately got him stabbed. Sure enough, the judge had fallen victim to the sharking tactics of Lana (Martine Beswick, former Miss Jamaica), who had tricked the judge into a making a no-win bet of $50,000.

Hammer arrives at the pool hall to sniff out the hustler. Meeting Lana, he initially dismisses her, telling her to “go get her ears pierced.” Assuming a woman could not be the culprit, Hammer is persuaded to play her in 9-ball for $100/game. After winning the first game, he eventually goes down $50,000, which is enough to realize she is the villain. (The silver lining of this sequence is that the pool-playing is cleverly shot to Hall & Oates’ ‘80s anthem “Man-Eater.”)

Hammer encourages Lana to play one more double-or-nothing game. A dreadfully filmed game of nine-ball ensues, with balls falling out of order, and illogical shots getting made. Lana resorts to cheap distractions (e.g., blowing cigar smoke in his face, kissing his ear), but Hammer proves unflappable, and wins the game.

Color of HammerWhen Hammer calls out Lana as the killer (“Sorry lady, the pool party is over!”), her cue stick is unsheathed to reveal a stiletto, and the standard pool table battle occurs, with Hammer knocking out his opponent by making her trip on the cue ball (“Best shot I made all day”). And for true tired slapstick, this “The Color of Hammer” sequence even includes a jump shot that bounces off the table, caroming into the Captain.

The late great billiards legend Minnesota Fats once said, “When I played pool I was like a good psychiatrist. I cured ‘em of all their daydreams and delusions.”

Now that’s funny.

Telling the Captain after beaning him with a cue ball on a botched jump: “You knew when you signed up that police work is dangerous.”

Well, that’s just plain stupid.

Dog Eat Dog – “Beat the Shark”

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As evidenced by the 32 biographies that comprise David Baber’s 2009 book Television Game Show Hosts, the game show host had been, until recently, a celebrity vocation ruled almost exclusively by men. (Case in point: there are no women featured in Baber’s book.) Then, at the start of the millennium, several women finally grabbed the microphone. They included Anne Robinson, the host of the Weakest Link; Meredith Vieira, the host of the syndicated version of Who Wants to be a Millionaire; and Brooke Burns, the host of Dog Eat Dog, an NBC import that included a famous “Beat the Shark” billiards challenge as part of its first season in July, 2002.

Beat the Shark

Host Brooke Burns (center) with contestant Anastasia Normandin and British billiards sensation Dave Pearson.

While the choice of Ms. Burns helped dismantle the male game show host archetype, the decision to hire the 5’8” former fashion model and star of Baywatch was more likely intended to help NBC build momentum on top of its already popular and superior Fear Factor, a reality game show that similarly tasked eye-pleasing contestants with competing in a variety of physically and mentally challenging stunts (including a billiards-themed sequence in the “Billiards for Gross Eats” episode). Dog Eat Dog, too, often asked contestants to strip down to bathing suits, or in the case of playing Strip Quarterback, disrobe to nothing at all, for a chance to win $25,000. Thus, it’s no surprise that a show marketing the physical bodies of its contestants would, in turn, select a host equally gorgeous and marketable.

Beat the SharkOn each episode of Dog Eat Dog, the six contestants vied in a series of physical competitions, trivia challenges, and assorted games. For the “Beat the Shark” sequence, contestant Anastasia Normandin is chosen by the other players to compete in a round of speed pool against Dave “The Ginger Wizard” Pearson, a British billiards player, who shortly after the airing of the episode set a new Guinness World Record by potting two consecutive racks of 15 pool balls in 82 seconds. (He currently owns four world records, though he has set 20 of them in his billiards career.) In the sequence, Ms. Normandin must sink four balls on her table before Mr. Pearson clears two full tables.

The results are highly amusing and sadly predictable. Mr. Pearson moves around the table like a man on fire, shooting effortlessly and never missing a single shot; Ms. Normandin struggles to set up shots, fumbles with a cue stick, and seems incapable of making even the simplest ball-in-pocket. As a result, she is sent to the “Dog Pound,” like the other contestants who failed before her in earlier games. The full sequence is available to watch here.

In addition to “Beat the Shark,” the seventh episode included “Treadmill Trivia” (answering general knowledge questions while running on a treadmill suspended over a water tank); “Ladder Wheel” (climbing around a large wheel while removing flags); the aforementioned “Strip Quarterback” (trading articles of clothing for footballs which must be thrown through an elevated hole in a tower); and “Hang in There” (suspending from handle bars in the air while “rain” pours down).

Dog Eat Dog only lasted two seasons. (There is speculation that the show’s demise was inevitable after one former contestant sued NBC after he was hospitalized and had alleged brain damage resulting from losing consciousness during a particular underwater stunt.[1])

Since the cancellation of Dog Eat Dog, Ms. Burns had continued to host game shows, most recently The Chase on the Game Show Network. Mr. Pearson has continued to try to break his own world records on the billiards table. Last October, he flew into Ozone Billiards in Kennesaw, Georgia to try to beat his 10 table record in eight minutes and 51 seconds.[2] Unfortunately, I can find no further information on Ms. Normandin. Apparently, the humiliating defeat was more than she could bear.

Special thanks to Mike L for alerting me to this particular billiards television episode!

[1] https://gameshows.fandom.com/wiki/Dog_Eat_Dog

[2] http://www.azbilliards.com/news/stories/11582-the-ginger-wizard-goes-for-world-record-at-ozone-for-cancer-charity/

The Waltons – “The Song”

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In competitive billiards, the stakes can be quite high. Archie “The Greek” Karas was known to have played one opponent for $40,000 matches in a Las Vegas pool room, and one night lost $740,000 playing 9-ball.[1] Professional boxer Manny Pacquiao was known to stake-horse Filipino billiards sensation Dennis Orcollo for matches up to $60,000, earning Orcollo the nickname “the Philippines Money-Game King.”[2]

The WaltonsSimilarly, movies and television have witnessed their share of high-risk wagers, including the deed to one’s land (Legend of the Dragon), the Duke boys’ General Lee Dodge Charger (Dukes of Hazzard – “A Little Game of Pool”) and the right to live or die (Twilight Zone – “A Game of Pool”).

On The Waltons, the stakes may not have seemed so perilous in the 1975, third-season episode “The Song,” but remember that this television show centered on a rural Virginia community during the Great Depression. So, when family patriarch John Walton Sr. (Richard Waite) and Grandpa Zeb (Will Greer) join several of the other local men for a 4-day, no-money, winner-takes-all, Walton’s Mountain 8-Ball Tournament, the wagers are reflective of the era and the conditions of the backwoods community. Specifically, the Walton men put up a truckload of firewood between them; Horace (Wilfred Brimely in his career-launching role) offers “six fat hens, Rhode Island Reds, all laying double-yolk eggs”; Zach Roswell bets a 200-pound prize pig named Jews Harp; Easy bets his old .22 rifle; and tournament organizer Ike Godsey wagers a “one-week supply of groceries not to exceed $7” (about $125 of buying power today).

The WaltonsAdding to the gravity of the tournament is that the Walton’s Mountain women consider billiards so odious (“trashy goings-on,” “low doing,” a “gambling game”) that the men risk, at a minimum, their wives’ scorn and opprobrium, and in the case of Zach Roswell, risk their manhood and future, hiding and telling lies to escape his shrewish spouse’s wrath.

Unfortunately, while the billiards in “The Song” is novel in its stakes and familial hazard, it ultimately is too brief and too bland, with little tension forming around the tournament and a minimal amount of pool actually played. Grandpa Walton inserts a couple of polite jeers (“Zach, are you celebrating or mourning?”), and even attempts a behind-the-back shot, but otherwise the game is a McGuffin (and not a very good one).

Perhaps, of greater interest for television trivia wonks is that Erin Moran (aka Joanie Cunningham from Happy Days) has a starring role in “The Song” as one of the titular songbirds. Regrettably, she, too, does not shoot any pool.

“The Song” episode of The Waltons is available on the complete, third-season DVD collection.

[1] http://www.pokernews.com/news/2008/02/sextons-corner-32-archie-karas-part-2.htm

[2] http://espn.go.com/espn/story/_/id/7879307/pool-dennis-orcollo-best-money-game-player-world-espn-magazine

Cake Boss – “Painters, Pool and Pink”

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National Football League defensive end Justin Tuck’s achievements on the gridiron are commendable: two-time Super Bowl winner, two-time Pro Bowl performer, two-time NFC Champion, almost 500 career tackles. But, his accomplishments off the field are equally impressive, specifically the 2008 launch of his charitable initiative R.U.S.H. for Literacy that encourages children to READ, UNDERSTAND, SUCCEED and HOPE and embrace literacy throughout their lives.

To date, R.U.S.H. has raised more than $2 million, with the majority of those funds generated by “Tuck’s Celebrity Billiards Tournament,” an annual event first launched in 2009 and held at the SLATE bar and billiards club. The upscale extravaganza features a who’s-who of athletic and Hollywood royalty, as well as “Buddy” Valastro, the Cake Boss celebrity chef, who produced a magnificent billiards-themed cake for the event in the 2009 Season 2 episode “Painters, Pool and Pink.” The entire episode is available to watch here.

https://youtu.be/2YVbW-7CnlU

TLC’s Cake Boss is one of at least seven cake-based reality shows to have hit the airwaves in recent years. Now entering its sixth season, it is arguably the most popular, with an average 2 million viewers. The show stars Bartolo “Buddy” Valastro Jr., the proprietor of the family-owned Carlo’s Bake Shop in Hoboken, NJ, as well as his immediate and extended family members who work in the shop as bakers, decorators, sculptors and storefront managers. Buddy’s personality is warm and large, contributing to the show’s success, which, in turn, has contributed to the shop’s success and appeal as modern tourist attraction. Carlo’s Bakery Way, at Washington and Newark Streets in Hoboken, is a street renamed in honor of the Cake Boss establishment.

Cake BossCarlo’s Bake Shop fame is attributable to their highly-detailed, one-of-a-kind, themed cakes, which are the focus of the Cake Boss episodes. Those cake themes have included a fire station, an Indricotherium, Mount Rushmore, a roulette board, and a life-size replica of comedian Betty White.

In “Painters, Pool and Pink,” the former New York Giant Mr. Tuck is planning his premier billiards fundraiser and recruits Mr. Valastro to provide (donate) a billiards-themed cake for the event. Mr. Valastro, a self-proclaimed pool star (allegedly once known as the “Hoboken Hustler”), is honored to prepare the dessert, though he also craves a chance to play in the tournament. Speaking to his culinary crew, he says, “You know how much I love to play pool. I’d love to show them how I roll.”

That opportunity emerges when one player drops out, thereby creating the standard pabulum of manufactured reality television tension, since none of his bake squad has confidence in his ability. Says one baker, “What do you know about shooting pool? You’re going to get killed.” And, indeed it appears that way when he goes to practice one afternoon. But, he more than compensates when he is paired with former New York Jet Kerry Rhodes, and accompanied by a good bit of hand-slapping and chest-bumping, makes it as far as the semi-finals.

Cake BossFar more interesting than Mr. Valastro’s pool ambitions is his kitchen team’s ability to create a billiards-themed cake. The base is made out of red velvet cake (“Justin’s favorite”), which is then smothered with cream cheese. The pockets are carved out before layering the cake with green fondant, a sugary dough used to cover cakes, to resemble the baize of the table. Cereal treats are used to build up the walls, which are “dirty iced” before more fondant is applied. Then, to achieve the wood-grain appearance, a special tool and brushstroke is applied for texturing. Finally, cue sticks, chalk and pool balls, all expertly made from fondant, are gently placed on the table, prompting Mr. Valastro to proudly boast that the cake “looked just like a mini pool table…I mean, my kids could have played pool on this table.”

The cake is revealed at the end of the tournament, as celebrities such as Anthony Anderson, Vivica A. Fox, Eli Manning, Kelly Rowland, Michael Strahan, and Osi Umenyiora gallivant nearby. Even Billiard Congress of America Hall-of-Famer Jeannette “The Black Widow” Lee is in on the action. Available to provide on-site expertise to the tournament players and guests, The Black Widow ultimately pops up in the “Painters, Pool and Pink” episode…passing out slices of cake.

Birds and Fish and Sheep, Oh My!

Though few animals can shoot billiards with the same deftness and ability as the famous palomino in “Ed the Pool Player” from the television series Mr. Ed, the talking equine is not alone in its anthropomorphic pool prowess. On the contrary, the past half century has witnessed a number of animated animals pick up the cue stick, whether with wing, flipper, or cloven hoof, oh my!

billiards cartoonsAt the top of the list for pure pool showmanship is the famous Picadae with the unmistakable laugh, Woody Woodpecker. The red-white-and-blue avian, created in 1940 by Walter Lantz and Ben “Bugs” Hardaway, and the star of almost 200 episodes before calling it quits in 1972, re-emerged in 1999 on a new cartoon entitled The New Woody Woodpecker Show.

In “Cue the Pool Shark,” the six-minute segment kicking off the third and final 2002 season of that new series, Woody saunters into Buzz Buzzard’s Billiards Pool Emporium to play some pool, not realizing the proprietor, Buzz Buzzard (voiced by Jedi warrior Mark Hamill) sees him as “a new customer to con.” After Buzz’s lackey convinces Woody (with some duplicity involving magnetized balls) that his game is quite good, Woody agrees to compete with Buzz in a $79 winner-takes-all game of straight pool to 100 points. But, only a few shots later, Woody suspects he’s been hustled, especially when Buzz successfully calls “all the balls in the corner pocket, bank it off the lamp,” racking up 15 points in a single shot.

billiards cartoonsThat’s when Woody decides to turn the tables by hoodwinking Buzz into squaring off on a series of comically improbable trick shots, from “off the jukebox, over the moose, out the door, and into the mailbox” to “down the (telephone) wire, staircase, waste basket.” But, the raptor doesn’t realize that Woody is using the shots to lure him from “desk, off the clock, up the stairs, down the sink…” and into a jail cell.

It’s a shame that the otherwise humorous episode ends with Woody’s painful lament, “I think I’ll celebrate by playing some golf, Chinese checkers, anything but pool!” – and that’s even after reclaiming his $79. The full episode is available to watch here.

From Buzzards’ Billiards, we can swim over to Neptune Bay, where Wanda the octopus recently purchased a pool table, thinking it might “boost business.” That is the set-up for the 11-minute 2000 “Pool Shark” episode of Rainbow Fish, a children’s animated television series, based on the children’s book Rainbow Fish, written and drawn by Marcus Pfister in 1992.

billiards cartoonsIn “Pool Shark” the baize has barely had time to soak before Chomper’s cousin Slick, a beret-and-shades wearing shark, has taken center stage, effortlessly dispatching his opponents and winning kelp gushers. Rainbow’s not a bad shot, but he’s easily seduced by his fellow piscine pool player, and quickly swears his allegiance as a personal assistant, thereby blowing off his other friends, including Blue, a blue fish, who disdainfully suggests “pool is not even a real sport.” (Boo!!!)

billiards cartoonsUttering a line that might have come right from Finnegan on TruTV’s The Hustlers, Slick shares with Rainbow that the key to winning in billiards is “getting the edge on your opponent.” But, much like Woody, Rainbow starts to suspect that Slick is cheating, especially after he sees him exchange cue balls (an old hustling technique). The key is to catch him in the act. The opportunity surfaces when Rainbow challenges Slick to a game of Pacific 9-Ball (players alternate shots, winner is the first to clear the table), in which the stakes are the “winner stays at Wanda’s, the loser finds a new game.” Slick’s hustle is ultimately foiled when Wanda spies his sleight-of-hand, and the phony cue ball is cracked open revealing a disgruntled fish who is tired of swimming inside the ball and acting as its internal GPS. Slick is quickly forced to leave Neptune Bay, proving once again, kids, that crime doesn’t pay.

The “Pool Shark” episode of Rainbow Fish is available to download from the iTunes store.

Finally, back on dry land, in the “Shaun Goes Potty” episode of Shaun the Sheep, a flock of sheep are delighted to learn that the Farmer has had a new billiards table shipped to Mossy Bottom Farm, where he resides. Shaun the Sheep is a British stop-motion animated series that was spun off from the Wallace and Gromit franchise. The series first aired in 2007 and is currently entering its fifth season after 130 seven-minute episodes.

billiards cartoonsIn the second season “Shaun Goes Potty” episode from 2010, Shaun, the mischievous but clever ovine, challenges Bitzer, the Farmer’s sheepdog, to a game of blackball on the new table. (For the uninitiated, blackball, a game of pool popular in the United Kingdom, is a variant of 8-ball, with 15 solid, unnumbered red and yellow balls replacing their American solid-and-stripe numbered counterparts.) Shaun is a reasonable shot, demonstrating some masse and making a two-in-one carom, before pocketing the cue. He is well-matched by the cocky Bitzer, who runs a handful of balls and even attempts a no-look, before scratching. Down to just the blackball, Bitzer distracts Shaun with an air horn, resulting in a shot (similar to those in The New Woody Woodpecker episode) that goes off a tree, down a roof, down a gutter, into a gopher hole, before being ejected by the angry rodent and thrown back onto the table. Seemingly to have the game in hand, Bitzer confidently lines up his shot, only to get equally distracted by the horn of the Farmer’s approaching auto, and in the process, rips the table’s felt. Fortunately, the animal farm rallies to the rescue, patching the rip with some lawn and mowing it to verdant perfection. The full episode is available to watch here.

https://youtu.be/gjNAc-Wi6CY

So, there you have it…a regular menagerie of pool players, from sharks and rainbow fish to sheep and sheepdogs to woodpeckers and buzzards. Throw in the talking horse, a cat and mouse (cf. Tom and Jerry – “Cue Ball Cat”), and maybe a famous duck (cf. Donald in Mathmagic Land), and we’ve got the founding membership of the future Billiards Congress of America Zoo of Fame.

Saved by the Bell: New Class – “Student Court”

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Last week, I saw on CNN that actor Dustin Diamond had made headlines, and not for the right reasons. Mr. Diamond, who once played super-nerd Samuel “Screech” Powers on the sitcom Saved by the Bell and then on the some of the series’ spin-offs, had been found guilty of two misdemeanors relating to a Wisconsin bar fight and stabbing. Yes, this is the same Mr. Diamond who had almost been kicked off Celebrity Fit Club, released a sex tape (Screeched – Saved by the Smell), and got evicted from Celebrity Big Brother.

Saved by the BellWanting to remember Mr. Diamond in a more favorable light, I thought I would watch the billiards television episode, Saved by the Bell: The New Class – “Student Court.” Unfortunately, that proved even more grating than Screech’s horribly phocine voice.

That voice made its debut on Saved by the Bell, a lightweight, NBC sitcom that ran from 1989-1993 and featured a group of students and the principal of the fictitious Bayside High School. The series not only led to Mario Lopez eventually hosting Extra and Elizabeth Berkeley eventually licking a stripper pole in Showgirls, but also launched a series of spin-offs, including Saved by the Bell: The New Class.

The New Class ran from 1993-2000 and feature a rotating cast of students, including Mr. Diamond, who starred in six of the seven seasons. “Student Court” (September, 1996) is from the fourth season. In this episode, the high school principal creates the Rainy Day Inside Sports Festival, in which the victors win a weekend cruise to Catalina. The games include ping pong, darts, air hockey, and, of course, pool. Our gaggle of high-schoolers is determined to win, but to do so, they must remove the competition. In some instances, that means wielding their new appointments on the Student Court to mete out punishments to their opponents that effectively eliminate them. But, for billiards, they already have a secret weapon in Katie Peterson (Lindsey McKeon) who establishes her reputation when she calls and makes the shot, “3-ball, two banks, into the 4-ball, kiss the 8-ball, and in.”

Saved by the BellThe prospect of a trip to Catalina, however, leads Katie and her doubles partner, Nicky, to engage in some student hustling in order to earn sufficient cash to purchase some new swimwear. And while the ruse that they are “charging their fellow students for pool lessons” may fool a simpleton such as Screech, it doesn’t con Principal Belding (Dennis Haskins), who sends them to Student Court to receive their punishment.

As their friend chairs the Student Court, the misdemeanor could be dismissed, effectively increasing the group’s odds of winning the trip. But, given this is moralistic, saccharine, television, a true punishment is awarded, thereby killing the group’s chance at vacaying in Catalina, and presumably, also quashing Katie’s budding career as a pool hustler.

“Student Court” has bad acting, an imbecilic script, and dismal billiards-playing. Apparently, Mr. Diamond is not the only thing that needs some “saving,” though maybe his case would have fared better in the hands of this Student Court.

Saved by the Bell: The New Class – “Student Court” is available on DVD as part of Season 4.

The Hustlers

The HustlersLet me state upfront that I desperately want The Hustlers to succeed. But, for billiards players, the new reality series can be a frustrating television show to watch.  Some of the editing is sloppy, such as showing the balls in 9-ball getting pocketed out of order. Some of the games feel staged, though cast member and series tub-thumper Michael “Mikey Frost” Farley swears that is not the case. And, of course, most irksome and preposterous is The List, a ranking at Steinway Billiards of the top five players in New York, which provides the central plot thread to the series (as characters try to move up the List), but is otherwise pure fantasy, with top amateur player Gary O’Callaghan holding the coveted top spot.

But, guess what? The Hustlers was not produced for a viewing audience of pool players. It was produced for a mainstream, hopefully very large, audience that probably knows only nominally more about competitive billiards than it does about pawnbroking. Yet, Pawn Stars, the History Channel’s runaway reality success story, has commanded a viewing audience of 7 million people, which is a helluva lot more people than work in the country’s 10,000 pawn stores. So, the real question is not how verisimilar The Hustlers is to pool but how well The Hustlers works as reality television entertainment.

The HustlersAs I recently wrote in my blog post “Billiards Reality Shows Beware,” reality television has not been kind to billiards, though the sport has always seemed ripe for the genre. Fortunately, The Hustlers, which premiered on May 22, 2015, has the right backing behind it, starting with the show’s creators, Pilgrim Studios, the production house behind Street Outlaws and Fast N’ Loud, two popular cable shows that have experienced viewer levels of 3 million and 2.5 million, respectively. Then, there is TruTV, the cable network airing The Hustlers. Approximately 89.7 million American households receive TruTV, a network known for its original reality programming. Finally, two of the show’s cast members are Mike Dechaine and Jennifer Barretta (the star of 9-Ball), both nationally ranked and recognized billiards professionals, who should lend an aura of authenticity to the series. Talk about giving The Hustlers the edge.

The Hustlers

Emily Duddy

The series, which is largely filmed on location at Steinway Café & Billiards in Queens, NY, revolves around a 13-member cast of pool players (of varying abilities) and pool hall denizens. Most of the players are competing either to maintain their spot on, or move up, the aforementioned List, which is managed by William Finnegan, the “Godfather of Steinway Billiards,” a venue he adoringly refers to as “pool heaven” and “my second home.” In addition, two of the players, Mr. Dechaine and Jarrod Clowery, are transplants down from Boston, who have come to hustle (or, in the words of Mr. Finnegan, “rob the place”).

Having watched the first two episodes, I think The Hustlers gets several things right regarding the game of pool. First, the series introduces viewers to a number of variations of billiards (e.g., 9-ball, Scotch doubles) and to a myriad of (hustling) negotiation tactics to gain an edge over an opponent, ranging from determining who breaks and racks to deciding how many games to cede or which ball to “give.” Second, the series chalkboards key shots with the players providing voice-over commentary on how to hit a ball with English, how to position a lead, and/or how to set up a game-winning combo. For the untrained viewer, who hopefully comprises the bulks of the audience, these quick critiques reveal the less flashy and far more strategic side of billiards. And third, the series shows some great pool-playing, including not only the obvious telegenic masse and jump shots, but also multi-ball runs, combinations, and safeties.

My concern, however, is about the more fundamental staples of good reality television: interesting characters; small, unexpected moments of intimacy; and, of course, real, emotional conflict. And on this scorecard, The Hustlers is showing some early signs of struggling.

The Hustlers

“The Godfather of Steinway Billiards” William Finnegan

Granted I’ve only watched the first two episodes, but the character development is so far lackluster. The most interesting character is Mr. Finnegan, who is boisterous, comical, and self-aware. He’s a classic trash-talker, who feeds off the energy of the crowd. As his opponent Emily Duddy says in the first episode, “The only way Finnegan can beat me is if he gets under my skin.” Unfortunately, the producers sink to some cheap scripting tactics by trying to position Mr. Finnegan as an unrepentant sexist, who says, “Is [Emily] a star? Yes, in the kitchen,” and “You can walk around in a bikini. You still won’t win.” These lines do little to create authentic conflict.

The HustlersMr. Dechaine is also an enjoyable character. He is slick, unflappable, and conniving. He most personifies the hustler ethos, the ability to “take any advantage, that’s what the hustle is all about.” According to Kickin’ Chicken on the AZ Billiards Forum, “Mike stole the show thus far with him being himself, playing world class speed with total comfort on how to make the right games.” Mr. Dechaine is one of the top players in the country, so his hustle tends to revolve around giving away the minimum amount. That said, the level of adulation the other players show to Mr. Dechaine, endlessly repeating that he’s a top player, not only undermines Mr. Dechaine’s stated goal to “get on the List and win a lot of money,” but also reminds viewers that the List is simply a plot device.

At the other end of the spectrum, the least enjoyable and least interesting characters are “The Skateboard Kid” Ross Lacy, a henpecked twenty-something, who lives with his girlfriend Amy Tabarovsky, the resident witch, who bullyrags Ross into playing games, thereby earning the duo the self-proclaimed “single most obnoxious couple ever” moniker. Perhaps, the producers are trying to position her as a green baize Omarosa, but currently she lacks even a scintilla of the cleverness of the famous villainess from The Apprentice.

Like the majority of billiards aficionados, I am dying for The Hustlers to succeed. And, while I’m critical of aspects of the show, I’m also excited to watch the rest of the series and to hear how it inspires others.

In closing, I wanted to share this AZ Billiards Forum message from Macguy, entitled “A confession regarding The Hustlers”:

I was one of the first out of the box who didn’t really like the first few shows. It has gotten better with episodes 3&4, much better. Here’s the thing, I don’t play that much anymore other than at home once in a while. ..Well the last few nights I had the urge to go out and play and last night I did go to the pool room. It is not a great pool room with poor lighting but it is only 10 minutes away. I had fun and even got into a cheap ring game for a few hours. I know it is because of watching The Hustlers show I felt like going out and playing. I can’t believe I am that unique, I wonder if it has had the same effect on anyone else.

Bikini Pool Shark

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What do you get when you pair a Penthouse Pet of the Month with billiards? Hopefully, if you’re Spike TV, lots of engaged late-night viewers. That was the intent behind Bikini Pool Shark, a televised series consisting of one-minute videos that ran for 12 weeks on Spike, beginning in late November 2006.

Bikini Pool SharkFeaturing Penthouse model Krista Ayne, who was a contender for Pet of the Year in 2007, each sexually-titled episode of Bikini Pool Shark adhered to same structure that titillated viewers with 60 seconds of tongue-in-cheek instruction on how to make a specific trick shot.

Each episode begins with Ms. Ayne, wearing either a bikini or Daisy Dukes, writhing a bit on camera, before addressing the audience with the opener, “Hey guys, let’s break some balls.” A quick montage of Ms. Ayne in various vampish poses is then followed by her announcing that particular show’s trick shot with its suggestive title: “I’m going to show you how to Slip One In.”

In the next 15 seconds, Ms. Ayne explains the specific trick shot using a barrage of sexual puns. For example, in the Slip One In episode below, she shares how she plans to “take care of four balls in one shot…the first three are pretty easy. But the last one is going to be a tight squeeze. Sometimes you need just a little curve to slip it right in.” Then, with the signature Bikini Pool Shark guitar riff looping, Ms. Ayne takes the shot, which is then shown again (and again) from different angles and at different speeds.   The episode wraps with Ms. Ayne’s sultry send-off, “I’ll show you game if you show me yours.”

The sexual double-entendres, puerile obsession with Ms. Ayne’s bodacious figure, and juvenile titles were all part of the adult themed, yet still whimsical, personality that Spike TV was cultivating in the mid-2000s. The station had a few years earlier pivoted to more adult-oriented programming, embracing its reputation as the “First Network for Men.” Thus, it’s perfectly fitting that some of the Bikini Pool Shark episodes included:

  • Running the Train – a trick shot involving a four rail carom of a trapped cue that runs up two cue sticks, rolls down two others, and sinks the 8-ball.
  • Blue Ball Special – a jump shot that yields the zinger, “Sometimes a big stick just isn’t the right tool for the job.”
  • Splits – “For this shot, I pulled out my huge rack and I get to use two sticks at once.”
  • Bottoms Up – a pool prop novelty shot in which a beer glass is curved around balls to knock in the 9-ball

Bikini Pool SharkCarnal witticisms aside, Bikini Pool Shark does feature a number of very cool pool shots. All the shots were designed (and some were certainly made) by trick shot champion Andy “The Magic Man” Segal, who also served as the billiards technical advisor for the Woody Allen film Sweet & Lowdown and a number of billiards commercials (AT&T, All detergent). He explains (in more detail than Ms. Ayne provides) a number of the shots from Bikini Pool Shark on the how-to MonkeySee website.

Arguably, there is reason to criticize Bikini Pool Shark as a flagrant example of the objectification of women, and in a similar vein, a disparagement of women billiards players. Such censure is not without merit. But, I would counter that the promotional vehicle Rack Starz, which featured a dozen professional female billiards players in a variety of navel-bearing, cleavage-gazing, outfits and marketed them via the tagline, “Brains, Beauty, and an Amazing RACK,” was a far more egregious offender.

Bikini Pool Shark, for all its curves and gags, did not take itself seriously, and knew its audience, which was almost half (45%) women, did not either. Other than supporting the career of Ms. Ayne, who later appeared on the November 2008 cover of Rolling Stone with Kid Rock, Biking Pool Shark made little dent in the billiards universe, for better or worse.

Now, maybe I’ll go practice my Money Shot one more time.

Ever Decreasing Circles – “Snooker”

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Congratulations to Stuart Bingham, who this past Tuesday defeated Shaun Murphy to win the Betfred World Snooker Championship, a tournament that reached more than 330 million viewers last year. In winning the £300,000 (about $457,000) prize money, Bingham said, “Just to put my hands on that trophy, seeing all the names on it, that’s just everything. It means so much.”[1]

Ever Decreasing Circles 3In a tribute to Mr. Bingham and the popularity of the Snooker Championship, I watched “Snooker” (November, 1984) from the second season of the British television comedy Ever Decreasing Circles that ran on BBC1. The series revolved around Martin Bryce (Richard Briers), an obsessive, middle-aged man from East Surrey who harbors an ongoing jealousy toward his new, younger, next-door neighbor Paul Ryman (Peter Egan), an adventurous, confident, charming playboy, who is seemingly better at everything than Martin.

“Snooker” begins with Martin imploring his wife Ann (Penelope Wilton) to assume the 32nd spot in the local snooker tournament he is organizing. Winning this tournament means the world to Martin, having starved himself for two days in past years when he was only a runner-up. Echoing Mr. Bingham, Martin yearns to hold the winner’s cup, which he fantasizes about “polishing every day.” When Ann rebuffs him, he begrudgingly asks Paul, who he had intentionally overlooked, fearing Paul will again demonstrate his dominance over Martin. (This obsession with not living in the shadow of another man is a recurring theme in British television. See the far more laughable Steptoe & Son episode “Pot Black,” which tackles this very issue.)

Just as Mr. Bingham, the oldest winner of the Snooker Championship since Ray Reardon won in 1978, defeated the younger Mr. Murphy, so too does the dowdy-looking Martin vanquish the impeccably attired Paul, albeit for a host of comedic reasons I won’t divulge here. Equally farcical is Martin’s ultimate loss to his friend Howard Hughes, who temporarily sheds his meek mien to win the match.

Though there is little snooker shown, what makes this episode incredible, particularly to an American viewer like me, are the snooker references, each punctuated by the laugh track, an implicit affirmation that the 12-million-person audience understands the joke, and thus, the reference.

Case in point: Seventy five seconds into the episode, Martin, having asked Ann to participate in the tournament, quips, “Steve Davis plays with women now.” Putting aside the dated gender humor, the audience laughs because it is familiar with Mr. Davis, the English snooker player who dominated the sport during the 1980s when he won the Snooker World Championship and was ranked world number one for seven consecutive seasons.

Ever Decreasing CirclesGiven Mr. Davis’ stunning achievements, it is little wonder he is a national icon. But, for American audiences there is sadly no counterpart, no billiards player that could be referenced with similar recall and reverence. (Minnesota Fats may be the one exception, but his legend is more due to his role as an entertainer than as a pool player, for he never won a major tournament.)

In fact, Mr. Davis is not the only player instanced. Later in the episode, Martin is dumbstruck when Paul unsheathes a new cue from its carrying case. Paul shares, “I borrowed the cue from a mate of mine, Tony.” “Tony Knowles?,” asks Martin. [Audience laughs.] “No, Tony Meo,” replies Paul. [Audience continues to guffaw.]

Ever Decreasing CirclesFor the aforementioned reasons, this is again a remarkable exchange. Tony Knowles shot to prominence in 1982 when he defeated Steve Davis in the first round of the World Snooker Championship. He was ranked #2 when “Snooker” aired. Tony Meo, whose highest ranking was 10, was largely known for winning four World Doubles titles.

To viewers of Ever Decreasing Circles, these were evidently household names. But, can you imagine a similar conversation about American billiards players? It is lamentable that less than a nano-sliver of US TV viewers might have heard of Johnny “The Scorpion” Archer or Earl “The Pearl” Stickland or even Jeanette “Black Widow” Lee.

Here’s a painful exercise: add up the number of Twitter followers of America’s top 10 current or former players. There’s no definitive list (e.g., Earl Strickland – 4090; Mika Immonen – 4268; Jeanette Lee – 4711), but I doubt, in aggregate, the sum will exceed 25,000. Now, compare those followers to those of some of Britain’s superstars (Shaun Murphy – 58,500; Ali Carter – 43,000; Ronnie O’Sullivan – 301,000). The numbers dwarf their US counterparts, providing a non-scientific, yet truly painful, reminder once again of how billiards has failed to attract an audience in the United States compared to other parts of the world, such as England and Southeast Asia.

The “Snooker” episode of Ever Decreasing Circles is available to watch online here.

[1]       http://www.bbc.com/sport/0/snooker/32590889

The Flying Nun – “Armando and the Pool Table”

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In the 1935 movie Bad Boy, Eddie Nolan, a billiards player and occasional hustler, is derided by a disapproving family as a “street-corner loafer,” a “pool hall hoodlum,” and a “bad boy.” In doing so, the family proffers the argument that passion and talent for pool is a one-way ticket on a path to reprobation. Thirty-five years later, the ABC sitcom The Flying Nun made a similar contention in the third season billiards episode “Armando and the Pool Table.”

Flying NunHaving never known that Gidget once flew through the air wearing a habit, I was tickled pink to have stumbled across this particular late-‘60s television series. (As one reviewer opined, “Bewitched, I Dream of Jeannie, and The Flying Nun constitute the troika of sitcoms that truly represented the 1960s.”) For the uninitiated, The Flying Nun starred Sally Field as Sister Bertrille, a 90-pound nun who in joining the Convent San Tanco in Puerto Rico, discovers she has the literal gift of aviation, a power granted to her by the combination of her light weight, the heavy winds, and the aerodynamic nature of her cornette.

In the 1970 episode, “Armando and the Pool Table,” Carlos Ramirez (Alejandro Rey), a local playboy and casino owner who is also a patron of the sisters, unloads a pool table on the convent. Though Reverend Mother Placido (Madeleine Sherwood) initially protests, saying, “This is a teaching order not a pool parlor,” she is swayed by Sister Bertrille’s assertion that pool might provide a good distraction for Armando, a sweet-hearted youth with a penchant for pursuing risky activities like swinging from tree branches and jumping from rooftops.

Flying NunOnce the convent finds room for the table in the cellar by clearing out the pickles (“and so where the briny pickle had reined the billiard ball now rolled”), the impressionable Armando quickly takes a liking to the game, especially when he watches and is then taught by a local legend Emilio Gomez (John Hoyt years before achieving wider fame as Grandpa Kaninsky on Gimme a Break!).

The lessons go so well that Armando’s education starts to suffer, providing the first thematic hint that pool is a gateway to a world of damnation. Acting decisively, the Reverend Mother says Armando must focus on “his schoolwork not his pool work” and instructs Sister Bertrille that “we must give up the pool table and he must give up the game.”

Flying NunBut, Sister Bertrille recognizes that taking the table away will only increase his love for the game, so she concocts a scheme in which he will be shown up by Carlos, who not surprisingly for a gambler and Casanova, is also a pool hustler. In a “big time pool game” waged for “six small ones,” the “Minnesota Fats of San Tanco” (Carlos) plays the “Minneapolis Skinny of the Convent” (Armando).

More confident than his years, Armando scratches after pocketing a few balls. Carlos, in turn, quickly runs the table. At this point, to further put pressure on Armando, Sister Bertrille raises the stakes to $5,000, putting up as collateral the convent’s prized “golden candlesticks” and exclaiming, “We’ve suckered him into the big one. Now we can clean up.” Terrified by the pressure, but not wanting to disappoint the sisters, Armando agrees to play, but is then glory-hallelujah relieved when the Reverend Mother appears, shutting down the game. Swearing off all sinful avocations, the saved (and duped) Armando confesses, “I will not be a pool player or a paratrooper or a trapeze artist. No sir.”

In the end, the pool table is excommunicated, returned to its rightful hustler Emilio Gomez, and the pool passion is drowned, leaving room for good schooling, religious teaching, and (with a comedic wink), other prosperous hobbies.

The full episode of “Armando and the Pool Table” is available here. Watch carefully for a brief appearance by future Charlie’s Angel Farah Fawcett.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AyvbtoCeK9s