Category Archives: Billiards TV

The Billiards TV category is about television episodes that prominently feature billiards or have plots centered around billiards.

That Mitchell and Webb Look – “Snooker Commentators”

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“Well that was a lucky chance for young Mark Deacon, but as usual, he approaches the table with – how does one put it – a face like a slapped ass.” — Peter DeCoursey

Mitchell and WebbWhen it comes to snooker commentary, Ted Wilkes and Peter DeCoursey are in a class by themselves. Exactly what class is another question.  The two retired players, perpetually drinking, chain-smoking, and sweating in their airless cramped radio booth, spend the bulk of their on-air time talking insensitively about the players and sharing inappropriate stories, such as Mark Deacon’s attempts at suicide, or – how shall I put it – “bids for oblivion.”

Of course, that’s the comic genius of David Mitchell and Robert Webb, who respectively play Ted and Peter on each “Snooker Commentators” segment of their British sketch comedy That Mitchell and Webb Look.

Mitchell and WebbThe comedians’ dipsomaniacal duo first appeared on the radio show That Mitchell and Webb Sound. Then, in 2006, the ex-snooker-shooting sots, along with numerous other sketch characters, moved to television, where That Mitchell and Webb Look eventually won a BAFTA aware for “Best Comedy Programme or Series.”

Though That Mitchell and Webb Look ran for four seasons between 2006 and 2010, I could only locate a handful of “Snooker Commentator” sketches, all from the first season.  Always kicking off with Ted’s catch phrase, “Oh, that’s a bad miss,” and one of the duo bringing in the evening’s potables, the first episode starts with the pair mocking past-his-prime snooker player Harry Vaughn and the final episode ends with Ted and Peter revealing the secret snooker lyrics behind Chris de Burgh’s career-launching anthem, “The Lady in Red.” (Never seen you looking so shiny as you did tonight | Never seen your baize so tight |You are amazing.)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u_Sp8AsbMVk

In the real world of snooker, with its genteel traditions, it would be unimaginable to have commentators as boorish as Ted and Peter. However, snooker commentary has not been irreproachable. In 2016, the snooker commentator John Virgo said during the semi-finals of the World Snooker Championship, “I wanted to watch a bit of racing this afternoon. I’ll be lucky to watch some f****** Match of the Day.” Apparently, he thought his microphone was off.

Similarly, the former cueman Willie Thorne was commentating in 2017 during the first day of the Betfred World Championship when he said to his co-host Peter Edbon (in reference to the struggling match player Anthony McGill), “When you ‘go’ here though Pete, it is a f****** nightmare this place.”

But, these vulgar verbal bloopers are rather mild compared to gaffes uttered by sports announcers across the Channel here in the U.S.

For example, Jimmy ‘The Greek’ Snyder said to a reporter in 1988, “The black is a better athlete to begin with because he’s been bred to be that way…This goes back all the way to the Civil War when the slave owner would breed his big black to his big woman so that he could have a big black kid.” CBS fired him immediately.

Or, how about ESPN commentator Mark Madden, who said in 2008, “I’m very disappointed to hear Senator Ted Kennedy of Massachusetts is near death because of a brain tumor…I always hoped Senator Kennedy would live long enough to be assassinated”?  And then there is Fox Sports baseball commentator Steve ‘Psycho’ Lyons, who blasted outfielder Shawn Green for skipping a game because of the Jewish holiday Yom Kippur. Lyons said, “He’s not even a practicing Jew. He didn’t marry a Jewish girl…And from what I understand, he never had a bar mitzvah, which is unfortunate because he doesn’t get the money.”

And these sleazebags are not even the worse of the lot. Remember Marv Albert, who sodomized a woman and then forced her to perform oral sex, all while supposedly wearing white panties and a garter belt? Sean Salisbury was an NFL analyst for ESPN when it became public that he sent pictures of his private parts to ESPN female employees. Seven-time Pro Bowl player Warren Sapp joined the NFL Network as a commentator only to have his contract quickly terminated after he was arrested on suspicion of soliciting and assaulting a prostitute.

Finally, there is the all-time king of scuzz, local New Orleans sportscaster Vince Marinello, who murdered his ex-wife in 2006.  He shot her twice in the head. His cover-up was so poor that at his house the police found a “to-do” list related to the murder, along with records of him purchasing the type of bullets used for the murder.

So, Ted and Peter may not be most polished pair, but compared to some of their real-world counterparts, I’m quite willing to overlook the occasional stein, or six, of ale.

You, Me & Them – “The Legend of Old McCreadie”

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On May 3, 2013, Judd Trump was shooting against Ronnie O’Sullivan in the semifinals of that year’s World Snooker Championship. Down 4-32 in the frame, Mr. Trump lined up for his shot when a loud farting sound thundered through the Crucible Theatre. Described as a “bit of noise in the crowd,” the sound, which some later ascertained was created by a fart machine, had the audience in guffaws until the referee was able to quiet down the crowd. Mr. Trump may have regained his concentration, but he ultimately lost the match 17-11.

Old McCreadieAlmost six months later, another snooker match was repeatedly disturbed, this time by a mixture of ill-timed sneezes, cell phone rings, and the occasional crinkling of a too-new Danny Zuko leather jacket.  Fortunately, this was not another WSC match, but rather the plotline of an amusing television episode of You, Me & Them entitled “The Legend of Old McCreadie.” The full episode is available to watch here.

Even for Brits, You, Me & Them may be hard to remember. Airing on UKTV in 2014, the original comedy series lasted only 12 episodes before it was yanked. The show centers on a married couple, Lauren Grey (Eve Myles) and Ed Walker (Anthony Head), who are madly in love despite their 26-year age difference.  Their families think a quarter-century age gap is irreconcilable, but in fact, the couple do just fine while everyone around them is engulfed in chaos and craziness.

Like many sitcom episodes, “The Legend of Old McCreadie” has several interlocking stories, including one thread in which Ed and his father-in-law Clive (Jeff Rawle) decide to do some family bonding by attending a local snooker match where they can get “drama and excitement, yet peace and quiet.”

Their troubles start when Clive begins violently sneezing as a result of an allergic reaction to the mohair jumper of the woman seated in front of him.  Then, Ed’s leather jacket, which has never been broken in, makes distracting squeaking noises each time he moves.  Thus, to avoid moving, he enlists Clive’s help to scratch his itches, raising eyebrows from those around them.  Adding to the awkwardness, Clive’s wife keeps calling his cellphone to get the alarm codes as she fears someone may be breaking into the house.  The situation only gets worse as Clive attempts to hand signal the alarm code over live television, since he knows his wife can see him on the telly.  Whatever patience the players, referee, and audience members had exhibited up to this point completely disappears and cacophony ensues.

The episode scores points for lampooning the genteel core of snooker. After all, this is a sport in which “the players wear bowties and waistcoats, the referees are dressed formally with white Mickey Mouse gloves, and the crowd is mainly hushed and silent.”[1]

In describing the “intensity of silence” as one of the “characteristics of true snooker,” one writer said:

Some players might actually prefer more of a constant backdrop of noise, but that’s not in the foundations of the sport. Yes, the sport came from an Imperial room of commission officers, but walk into any snooker club now and pretty much the only noise heard is coming from the tables, cues, balls and pockets.  And for the fan, the knowledge of having to stay as quiet as possible adds to their own intensity in that moment.[2]

Amidst this revered soundlessness, is it any wonder that Ed and Clive’s peccadillos are received with such disdain?

In fact, similar offenses have led to snooker audience members getting stern warnings and even outright ejections from the matches.  Such was the case when an audience member got a bit too boisterous at the Ronnie O’Sullivan vs. Mark Selby Masters Final in January 2014.  And, in Mr. O’Sullivan’s match against Gary Wilson in April 2017, a drunk heckler had to be removed due to his disruptive behavior.

Of course, had Ed and Clive come to watch Kyren Wilson compete against Mark Allen in the semi-finals of the 2018 World Snooker Championship, perhaps they would have been a bit more lucky.  As snooker fans may recall, Mr. Wilson was down 32-45 with a difficult lead on the 6-ball, when he was interrupted not once, not twice, but three times by a spectator’s mobile phone. And though the referee was quick to oust the culprit, it was Mr. Wilson who said, “Don’t kick him out, just turn the phone on silence,” which won applause from the audience.

Mr. Wilson went on to beat Mr. Allen 13-6.  You draw your own conclusion.

[1]       “The Complete Guide to Understanding Snooker,” April 13, 2017.

[2]       “It’s There! Can You Keep the Noise Down Please?!,” April 21, 2015.

Hey Kids! Want to Watch Billiards?

Jason Ferguson, the Chairman of the World Professional Billiards and Snooker Association (WPBSA), has argued for the inclusion of billiards at the Tokyo 2020 Olympics because of the sport’s global reach and influence.  According to Mr. Ferguson, snooker is watched by a half billion people worldwide and played in 90 countries. When pool and carom billiards are added, the sport is played competitively in almost every country in the world.[1]

Pat & Mat billiardsI speculate that critical to the sport’s worldwide popularity is the introduction of billiards to children at a very young age through creative and enjoyable television programming. In the past, I’ve blogged about several of such shows, including Pat & Mat (“Billiard”) from the Czech Republic, Shaun the Sheep (“Shaun Goes Potty”) from the UK, and Benrat (“Billiards”) from China.

This time, my globe-hopping, TV-watching peregrinations took me to Scotland, South Korea, and Russia for some billiards-themed programming aimed at the 3- to 8-year-old crowd. It’s hard to imagine how exposure to the sport at such a developing age doesn’t contribute to the ubiquitous phenomenon of competitive billiards.

Nina and the Neurons – Get Sporty: “Snooker”

Nina and the Neurons billiards“How do you play snooker?,” asks one of the two child Experimenters on the “Snooker” episode of Nina and the Neurons, a Scottish television show aimed at helping four to six-year-olds understand basic science.  It’s the type of question that could spark a billiards battle royale. Fortunately, the show’s lead, Nina (Katrina Bryan) is not prone to the braggadocio and showmanship that might accompany a response, but rather enlists her five Neurons (animated characters representing the senses) to answer the question.

In the “Snooker” episode from the 2014 Get Sporty season, the Neuron that answers Nina’s call is Luke, who represents the sense of sight.  Along with the pint-sized Experimenters, Nina and Luke arrange a series of experiments to illustrate various scientific principles of snooker, such as “balls can’t move themselves, so we use a snooker cue” or “balls move in the direction on the opposite side that they’re hit.”  (This particular experiment involves turning the two moppets into giant snooker balls.) Finally, Nina takes the Experimenters to visit professional snooker player Dylan Craig to show how bouncing balls off a rail cushion is another way to move them into pockets. The full 14-minute episode is available to watch here.

Bernard – “Billiards”

Bernard billiardsKnown as Backkom in its native South Korea, the South Korean-Spanish-France computer animated television Bernard series centers on a curious polar bear named Bernard, whose bumbling slapstick antics typically result in the bear being knocked unconscious or being severely injured by the end of an episode. Bernard is also typically accompanied by one or more members of his menagerie of friends, including two penguins, a lizard, a Chihuahua, a do, and a porcupine.

In the three-and-a-half minute “Billiards” episode, which aired sometime between 2006 and 2012, Bernard competes in a game of 9-ball against his lizard pal Zack.  Bernard has a strong break and some modicum of talent, but he’s no match for his lacertilian opponent.  Once it is Zack’s turn, the lizard brings his A-game, making a behind-the-back masse shot followed by a jump shot the length of the long rail and then a second masse shot.

Realizing Zack is about to run the table, Bernard sabotages his game, frightening him into missing a shot and then blocking the path of the 1-ball with his ursine girth. This causes the frustrated lizard to quit. But, the moment Bernard attempts to savor his victory, he slips on a discarded ball, banging his head on the side table, and falling unconscious. The full episode is available to watch here.

Kikioriki – “The Game Must Go On”

Kikioriki is a Russian animated television series that consists of more than 200 episodes, each 6 minutes and 30 seconds, aimed at children 3- to 8-years old. The series premiered in 2004. Four years later, the English-language rights were acquired and it began airing on The CW under the name GoGoRiki. Created as part of Russia’s cultural-education “World Without Violence” project, the series features stylized round animals, known as Smeshariki, that engage with one another around complex themes

KikiOriki billiardsIn “The Game Must Go On,” which aired in 2009 as part of the second GoGoRiki season, Dokko, a golden moose who is an eccentric scientist, and Carlin, a dark blue crow, play a friendly game of billiards that gets a wee bit too serious.

Oh, there is so much to like about this episode! For starters, the characters are playing Russian pyramid, a version of billiards that requires opponents to sink 15 numbered white balls. Then, there is the priceless dialogue, such as Dokko’s professorial yet condescending opener: “Billiards is a game where everything counts, both physical and geometrical laws, an eagle sharp eye, a hand steady as a boulder, and ice cold nerves. If you lack even one of those things, you’ll never amount to a much of a player.”

As the match progresses, Dokko has a pitch-perfect comment for everything, whether it’s how to make a shot (“The angle of incidence equals the angle of reflection. Give it a little bit of spin, and release the hounds.”), or why his missed shot was an anomaly (“Even I mess up now and again.  Since it happened now, it won’t happen again.”)

But, Dokko vastly under-estimates Carlin, who starts to make his shots.  The score begins to tighten, and each player refuses the other’s mercy offer to end the game.  As the match progresses, torrential rain pours from the sky (“This isn’t billiards. It’s water polo played with a couple of sticks.”), but neither headstrong opponent will call it quits. Eventually, frustration and exhaustion set in, and the players break their sticks, and rip the table apart to use the rails as makeshift cues.  Only when lightning strikes, electrocuting both players, does the game reach its denouement with the players calling it a draw. The full episode is available to watch here.

Well, that’s enough traveling for one today. Fortunately, the pre-tween, billiard scene is sufficiently thriving that I can return to the topic in a future blog post to review shows such as Pleasant Goat (“The Focus in Billiards”), Danny and Daddy (“Billiards or Worms?”) or BinkieTV (“Learn Colors with Billiard Balls”).  Until then, may our kids learn life’s lessons, one billiard ball at a time.

[1]       “Billiards sports queue up for Tokyo 2020 Olympic inclusion,” Inside the Games, January 23, 2015

My Three Sons – “Charley, the Pigeon”

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“Girls?,” says Steven Douglas, flabbergasted that his son Robbie lost the $50, which was intended to buy a set of golf clubs, to two female pool hustlers.  It’s a bit hard to imagine for the famous father of three sons in the “Charley, the Pigeon” episode of My Three Sons.

Charley, the PigeonBefore digging into Mr. Douglas’ disbelief, a little refresher for those not familiar with the long-running sitcom.  My Three Sons first aired on ABC in 1960, and then moved to CBS from 1965 to 1970. The wholesome comedy starred Fred MacMurray as widower and aeronautical engineer Steven Douglas who must raise his three sons, Robbie, Chip and Ernie. He is initially helped by the boys’ grandfather, but by the sixth season, which includes “Charley, the Pigeon,” the character has been replaced by Charley (William Demarest), the boys’ great uncle.

In this billiards episode from January 1966, Robbie (Don Grady) gets fleeced by two high school girls who feign ignorance of the game. Asking Robbie to explain it, he replies, “It’s a game of geometric angles, it’s a matter of velocity and angle of carom,” to which one coyly relays to the other, “I told you we could never understand it.”  After questioning the use of the cue ball and then suggesting, “The white ball with the lavender stripes is so much cuter…couldn’t we use that one?,” the girls shark Robbie for his $50.

Fortunately, uncle Charley used to shoot stick when he was younger, so he impersonates a tycoon named Tex and goes down to the pool hall to give the girls a dose of their own medicine. Playing for $1 per ball, Charley promptly calls the 3 on the break, banks the 4, then does a nice masse shot that he “learned from Mr. Masse.”  He caps off the game with a shot in which he uses the crease of his ten-gallon hat to serve as a bridge and pocket the ball.  Beaten and dismayed, the girls fork over the $50 to Charlie, who gives it to Robbie to make things right once more. The full episode is available to watch here.

https://youtu.be/cvRs2hWos9g

Now, back to Mr. Douglas’ exclamation of disbelief: “Girls?”  At its core, it’s the standard sexism one was accustomed to on television, even in our most wholesome shows. The idea that a woman could play pool was simply too much to believe.

It shouldn’t have been a total head-scratcher. Enough women were shooting billiards in the 1960s that the first national women’s billiards tournament occurred just one year later in 1967.  (Dorothy Wise won it that year, and the next five years, and ultimately became the first woman elected in the Billiards Congress of America Hall of Fame.)

Lori Shampo

Lori Shampo

But, a female pool hustler? Well, such a woman was considerably more uncommon (or just undiscussed) at that time.  In my research, I found scant evidence of women pool hustlers until Lori Shampo started sharking people in the 1970s.  (There were other famous pool playing women, such as Jean Balukas, but most experts seem to agree that while Ms. Balukas may have been the better player, Ms. Shampo was the true hustler.  As Freddie “The Beard” Bentivegna described her, “[She was the] highest rolling female pool player – probably the best for cash…. Lori was the best big-money playing woman of all time. She could play for $5,000 a set or $1,000 a game of 9-ball on the bar table….She shot good, best high, woofed good, and was fearless with a big heart…For the money and the intimidation, Lori Shampo was a female Cornbread Red, only much better-looking.[1])

Therefore, as predictable and pedestrian as the “Charley, the Pigeon” episode seems today, it was a bit groundbreaking to portray women pool hustlers in 1966.

So, the next time you watch “Pool Sharks Git Bit” (The Steve Harvey Show) or “Archie is Cursed” (All in the Family) or “Double of Nothing” (Red Shoe Diaries) or “Martin in the Corner Pocket” (Martin) or Turn the River or Virgin Pockets or Kiss Shot or a host of other shows with female hustlers, chalk your cue, ignore the cute lavender-striped ball, and tip your hat to the My Three Sons episode “Charley, the Pigeon.”

[1]       Bentigvena, Freddie “The Beard.” The “Encyclopedia” of Pool Hustlers. 2013.

How Are Billiards Tables Made?

Billiards has come a long way since King Louis XI of France introduced the first table in 1470 exclusively for use by the noble class.  Back then, the handles of maces were used to push balls made of wood, clay, or ivory into a single center hole. Fast forward, in the US alone, there are now more than 20 million players. Though in decline, the billiards tables market is a $200 million industry, with individual tables easily ranging from $500 to $15,000. And the revenue generated from the 340,000 coin-operated tables is close to $1.5 billion.[1]

Billiards tables can have varying dimensions and be considerably customized (e.g., choice of wood, color, cloth, etc); nonetheless, they follow a similar manufacturing process that, when done well, should last several decades. Not surprisingly, several educational reality television shows have attempted to address the question, “How are billiards tables made?”

The oldest of the three shows is How It’s Made, a documentary television series that premiered in early 2001 on the Discovery Channel in Canada and on Discovery’s Science Channel in the US. The low-budget, lo-res series relied on an off-screen narrator who described matter-of-factly in 5-7 minute segments how common items, ranging from guitars to bubble gum, are manufactured, while also injecting some tidbits of history.

The Season 6 episode “Ropes, billiard tables, sailboards, cymbals” from 2006 doesn’t help its cause by getting its history wrong in the first minute, incorrectly saying that “billiards [is] also known as pool” and that the game has “been around nearly 500 years.” The episode then proceeds to walk the viewer through the building process, from the initial table frame getting shaped to the rubber strips getting added to the rails to the workers pre-assembling the pieces and stamping them sequentially to ensure the table can be re-assembled later. Additional attention is given to the hot-gluing of the mother-of-pearl sights and the “real heavy lifting” of the three pieces of slate, each weighing up to 330 pounds, which comprise the table surface. The full episode is available to watch here, starting at 7:02.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VsK1ncVsv44

Disappointingly, Discovery Communications repeated the How It’s Made formula 16 years later with the launch of their series Incredible Inventions, which first aired in March 2017 on their American Heroes Channel. Spread across 30-minute episodes, this documentary reality series aims to “explore the history and science behind different inventions.”

In the Season 2 episode “The Bow, Ferrofluid, The Billiard Table” from September 2017, the narrator, Matt Baker, delves into the table’s history, referencing its evolution from outdoor croquet and the role Neville Chamberlain played in popularizing the sport.

Then, focusing on Thurston, the oldest (1799) snooker table manufacturer in the world, Mr. Baker details how the company makes its tables: selecting the timber, cutting the wood, planing the wood to the appropriate thickness, drilling holes to enable assembly, creating the legs, leveling the table, spraying the wood, fitting the cushions with billiards cloth, adding the pocket leathers and nets, adding the table cloth, marking the cloth to regulation measurements and ironing it, and finally fitting the cushions.

Aside from highlighting the weight of the table slate, and the craftsmanship of the cloth fitters, the episode feels like a retread of its predecessor, maybe minimally better. The full episode is available to rent/buy and watch on Vudu, starting at 14:20.

In fact, one starts to wonder how this episode got made when Discovery Communications had already upped their game 18 months earlier with the “Pool Tables, Gas Fired Boilers and Shopping Carts” episode from Machines: How They Work, produced and aired by their subsidiary network The Science Channel. By far the most innovative of this how-to trio, this ten-part series combines photo-real CGI with real factory footage to show the hidden workings of appliances, objects, and machines.

Airing in March 2016, the “Pool Tables…” episode distinguishes itself by specifically tackling coin-operated tables, in which “500 parts work in unison” to enable a table to “rack up a half million games” in its 30-year lifetime.

Dissecting a table from Valley-Dynamo, the inventor of the 70-year-old coin-op table, the episode highlights the assembly of the dead rail, the mechanics of the coin recognition slot, and the interior “spider web of runways” that transport the balls.  The episode also tackles the classic question, “Why does the cue ball return but not the other balls?”  I anticipated the answer was attributable to the ball’s size, which is also accurate, but on this featured table it is because the cue’s white layer conceals a ball of iron that gets magnetized, pulling the cue out of the regular chute and channeling it back into play. The full episode is available to watch here, starting at 00:46.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DFZHACzo98c

If you’re seeking to understand how billiards tables are manufactured, these three shows should be sufficient.  And, if you’re curiosity wanders more toward the creation of billiards cues or balls, don’t worry. There are plenty of films (The Cuemaker), TV episodes (How It’s Made – “Air filters, billiard cues, ice sculptures, suits”) and video vignettes (Impossible Engineering – “How are billiards balls made?”) to keep you sated.

[1]         Recent data is hard to find. Most of the cited data is 3-5 years old: “…20 million players” (NGSA Sports Participation – Single Sport, 2013); “…a $200 million industry” (Global Billiards Table Market Professional Survey Report, 2017); “…revenue from coin-operated tables” (Statista, 2010; NHBR, 2010)

Magic Kaito 1412 – “Hustler vs Magician”

More than 30 years ago, Gosho Aoyama wrote and illustrated a Japanese manga series entitled Magic Kaito. The story was about a teenager, Kaito Kuroba, who learns that his father was The Kaito Kid, a famous international criminal who was mysteriously murdered over a jewel theft. Vowing to avenge his father, the adolescent becomes a master illusionist and assumes the identity of the Kaito Kid.

Magic Kaito 1412The story was turned into the 24-episode anime series Magic Kaito 1412 that aired from October 4, 2014 to March 28, 2015. In “Hustler vs Magician,” the third episode of the series, Kaito learns that his close family friend Jii, who owns the Blue Parrot Billiards Club, once lost the diamond and emerald-encrusted Legendary Cue (stick) to a local mob boss when he was beaten by the boss’ pool shark, Tsuujirou Hasura in a rigged match.  Now the same boss is threatening to close down the billiards club.

Though Kaito cannot shoot pool, he vows to win back the cue. Sneaking into the boss’ club, the American, he challenges Hasura to multiple matches of 9-ball for $10,000 per game. Losing them all, he wagers the Blue Parrot for the Legendary Cue.  At that point, he assumes the billiards stance of his late father and performs a spectacular trick shot, with multiple jumps, which wins him the cue stick.  It is only later revealed that the shot was an illusion. Hidden wires tautly stretched across the table allowed the cue to travel an otherwise impossible orbit that knocked in all his balls in one shot. The full episode is available to watch here.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QJZo6-MF0Is

Magic Kaito 1412 is the third anime series I’ve discovered with a billiards episode. Unfortunately, it’s the worst of the lot.  Lacking the metaphysical, WTF-ness of Death Billiards or the hyper-sexualized imagination of the “Moulin Rouge” episode of Fairy Tale, the “Hustler vs Magician” episode banally trudges along from its questionable setup to its nonsensical ending. Moreover, the episode feels overly familiar, recycling billiards tropes on its path to an obvious conclusion.

Let’s start with the troubled friend who is poised to lose his bar to the local mob boss. This same idea was the premise of the 1972 film Wandering Ginza Butterfly, which also resolved itself with a match between the main character and a yakuza henchman. Similarly, in the Italian film Il tocco – la sfida the lead character makes the decision to compete in a 5-pin tournament to save his friend’s pool hall. (In that example, the lead unwisely beats the local gangster’s hired pool shark, thereby sealing his friend’s fate.)

Magic Kaito 1412Then, there is the character of Hasura, an honorable pool shark, who is torn between his love of the game and his role as an employee of a ruthless gangster.  This situation is similar to that in the 1991 movie Legend of the Dragon, in which world snooker champion Jimmy “The Whirlwind” White plays the conflicted hustler.

Another trope is the child billiards prodigy underestimated by adults. Less common in movies, this idea formed the backbone of both “The Hustler” episode of The Brady Bunch, when Bobby Brady makes a killing in wagered bubble gum, and the “Minnesota Vicki” episode of Small Wonder, in which 10-year-old Vicki hustles her father’s boss out of the ownership of his company.

On a positive note, “Hustler vs Magician” introduce two ideas that I hadn’t yet encountered.  The first is a prized cue stick with its own moniker.  Sure, Uncle Phil wreaks havoc on his opponent when he unsheathes his cue stick Lucille in The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air episode “Banks Shot.” But, otherwise, most billiards movie cue sticks remain nameless and are of relatively little value.

The second idea is the use of illusions to win a game.  Of course, billiards movies are replete with trick shots, and some are so fantastic that they appear to be magical. So, perhaps it’s a fine line separating magic and world-class pool-playing.  After all, is it any wonder that world billiards legend Efren Reyes goes by the nickname “The Magician”?

What’s My Line?

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Salvador Dalí. Walt Disney. Eleanor Roosevelt. Lucille Ball. Alfred Hitchcock. Walt Frazier. Althea Gibson. Dizzy Gillespie. Aretha Franklin. Groucho Marx. Jesse Owens. Vidal Sassoon. Barbara Walters. Orson Welles. Gore Vidal. Sean Connery. Along with hundreds of others, these celebrities all had one thing in common.  Care to guess?

What's My LineThey all appeared on the famous panel game show What’s My Line?  And to this pantheon of household names, we can also add two renowned billiards players, Willie Mosconi and Minnesota Fats, who appeared on the show September 2, 1962 and January 17, 1965, respectively.

What’s My Line? aired in the United States on CBS initially from 1950 to 1967, making it the longest running U.S. primetime network game show. Moderated by John Daly, the game required four “celebrity” panelists to question a contestant in order to determine his or her occupation, with panelists occasionally having to identify a celebrity “mystery guest” by name. Though there were a number of panelists during the 17-year run, a majority of the episodes had a panel that included columnist Dorothy Kilgallen, actress Arlene Francis, and Random House Publishing founder Bennett Cerf.

Willie “Mr. Pocket Billiards” Mosconi, of course, was (and still is) considered one of the greatest pool players in history. He won the World Straight Pool Championship an unmatched 15 times, and he set the straight pool world record in 1954 for pocketing 526 consecutive balls in an exhibition match.

In the What’s My Line? episode featuring Mr. Mosconi as the mystery guest, the billiards legends signs in as Mr. X to avoid recognition. The panel tasked with identifying his profession (“world pocket-billiard champion”) consists of Ms. Francis, Ms. Kilgallen, Mr. Cerf, as well as the flamboyant composer and pianist Liberace. 

Knowing only that Mr. X is salaried, deals in a service, and hails from New Jersey, the panel establishes that Mr. X is an indoor entertainer for a profit-making organization who has appeared on television, but otherwise fails miserably to guess his vocation.  When the host ultimately reveals that Mr. X is Willie Mosconi, the panel erupts into a chorus of ohs, ahs, and “Yes, indeed.” He then closes his appearance by discussing his role as technical advisor on The Hustler, and then giving the audience a lexical lesson on the origin of the term “pool.” 

What's My LineThe episode featuring Minnesota Fats is also available to watch on YouTube here.  New York Fats, aka Rudolf Wanderone, was a pool player and hustler who assumed the name Minnesota Fats in 1961 after the release of The Hustler, starring Jackie Gleason as the fictional character Minnesota Fats. Though he appropriated the moniker and was only a decent player, Minnesota Fats quickly became one of the world’s most famous billiards players, appearing in movies (The Player), starring on game shows (Celebrity Billiards with Minnesota Fats), authoring books (The Bank Shot and Other Great Robberies), and headlining video games (Minnesota Fats – Sega Genius).

In this Season 16 episode of What’s My Line?, mystery guest Mr. Fats enters by signing in as Rudolf Wanderone. His profession, which the panelists must guess in 10 or less turns, is “professional pocket billiards player.” The panel, which includes Ms. Francis, Ms. Kilgallen, Mr. Cerf, as well as author and comedian Alan King, are not blindfolded, as they often are with celebrities who are visually recognizable to the general public. Though the panel determines he is an indoor performer who uses “props,” moves around a good deal, requires skill and dexterity, is an expert/champion in sports, and has been seen on television, they fail to guess his identity.

What's My LineWhen the host Mr. Daly finally reveals his identity, eliciting applauses, head shakes, and an “Oh Yes!” from Ms. Francis, Mr. Daly goes on to reinforce the myth that Mr. Fats “came to great fame” because he was portrayed by Jackie Gleason in The Hustler, which, of course, was entirely inaccurate. Mr. Daly goes on to cite other parts of Mr. Fats’ resume, including that he was also Vice President at billiard table manufacturer Rozel Industries in Lincolnwood, Illinois.[1] Ironically, the fast-talking Mr. Fats has little opportunity to speak in the episode, often over-ruled by Mr. Daly, but he does have a classic in-character retort to Mr. Cerf’s ignorant question about the famous poker novel later adapted into a movie:

Mr. Cerf: Are you in The Cincinnati Kid? Are you one of the characters?

Mr. Fats: I am one of the characters whenever pool is concerned.

For Mr. Mosconi, What’s My Line? was but one of three game show appearances he made.  He also showed up on To Tell the Truth in 1958 and I’ve Got a Secret in 1962. As noted above, Mr. Fats adored the limelight and parlayed his celebrity into a starring role on Minnesota Fats Hustles the Pros in 1967 and then on Celebrity Billiards with Minnesota Fats from 1968 to 1971.

[1]       Rozel, formed in 1963, sold pool tables and accessories under the name Minnesota Fats Billiard & Leisure Centers. In 1980, the five Minnesota Fats stores were converted to Video King outlets. The company filed for bankruptcy in 1985.

 

SNL – “ESPN Classic: 1991 Ladies Billiards Tournament”

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In 1991, Robin Bell won the second ever World Pool-Billiard Association’s Women’s World Nine-ball Championship, defeating her opponent Jo Ann Mason, in Las Vegas. Many years later, Ms. Bell would be inducted into the Billiards Congress of America (BCA) Hall of Fame.

Tampax to the MaxThat same year, a very different billiards match also occurred in Las Vegas.  Televised by ESPN Classic, that matchup was the 1991 Tampax to the Max Ladies Billiards Tournament of Champions, featuring Greta Milwaukee versus “The Soft One” Nina Wilkes Booth.

Confused yet?  Not if you’re a fan of Saturday Night Live.

In 2009, SNL cast members Jason Sudeikis and Will Forte introduced their ESPN Classic sketch, which would recur for three seasons through May, 2012. The two comedians portray on-air commentators for various ESPN Classic airings of women’s sporting events in the late 1980s and early 1990s. Sudeikis’ Pete Twinkle is an uber-bro host and kind of a douchebag.  His foil is Forte’s Greg Stink, a cheerful moron, completely uneducated about sports and incapable of even basic conversation. And though Twinkle’s attempt to engage Stink is sometimes humorous, the real heart of the sketch that earned the guffaws is the frequent references to the feminine or sexual product sponsoring the event, using rhyming jingles.

The first ESPN Classic sketch, which aired in October 2009 as part of the Saturday Night Live’s 35th season, is “1991 Ladies Billiard Tournament,” sponsored by Tampax. The full sketch is available to watch here.

Tampax to the MaxGreta Milwaukee (Kristen Wiig) and Nina Wilkes Booth (celebrity host Drew Barrymore) are introduced and subsequently engage in some over-the-top, physical comedy around chalking their cue sticks, breaking, and attempting to make shots in their game of 9-ball. Both women are pretty unmemorable, though Wiig’s billiards-themed ‘80s shirt is a real keeper.

More amusing is the repartee between Twinkle and Stink, such as:

“Where does the name billiards come from?”

“No idea.”

“Greg Stink – best color man in the business.”

But, of course, the real zing comes from Twinkle’s frequent shout-outs to the tournament’s sponsor Tampax. These jingles punctuate the commentary and get progressively more absurd as the sketch goes on, starting with the introductory slogan, “Tamp it to the max with Tampax,” and culminating with, “Helping you relax when Mother Nature attacks your slacks. Tampax.”[1]

The entire sketch is just over four minutes long, so it’s impressive the number of laughs it generates, even with its one-trick pony concept.  Saturday Night Live is also not alone in sketch-comedy shows that have leveraged billiards as source material.  It’s a future blog post to review and rank them all, but it’s worth checking out “The Hustler” (The New Show), “Van Hammersly” (Mr. Show), “Pussy on the Chain Wax” (Key & Peele), “The Hustler” (Mad TV), and “Spot Black” (The Benny Hill Show), among others.

[1]       Ironically, Tampax’s actual slogan at the time – “Outsmart Mother Nature” – also referenced Mother Nature.

Small Wonder – “Minnesota Vicki”

In February 1989, the American comedy sitcom Small Wonder aired an episode that had me wondering how this series lasted four seasons. Entitled “Minnesota Vicki,” the 91st episode (out of 96) focused on Ted Lawson (Richard Christie) inviting his boss over for dinner and billiards on a rented table, with the hope that some friendly pool would help him land a huge promotion at United Robotronics.  Ted doesn’t make much headway until, unbeknownst to him, Vicki (Tiffany Brissette), his robotic daughter (literally) plays his boss and ultimately wins ownership of the company in the process, due to the boss’ hubris and incredulity that a child could ever play pool so well.

For the uninitiated, Small Wonder chronicles the family of Ted Lawson, a robotics engineer, who creates a robot modeled after a 10-year-old girl, and then passes the robot off as his adopted daughter, Vicky (or V.I.C.I., an acronym for Voice Input Child Identicant).  Like many robots on TV, this one has unusual abilities, including a super-strong break and such geometric precision that she can seemingly make any shot on the table, including sinking all the balls on the break.

The episode is pretty humorless, portending the end of the series.  The jokes feel forced, the script is stale, the acting is thin, and – oh god, those ‘80s wardrobes. It’s no small wonder (!!) that none of the lead actors had much commercial success after the series ended. In fact, the only silver lining to “Minnesota Vicki” is the trick shots in pool, courtesy of technical consultant Lou Butera. Aside from the standard multi-pocket shots, there are some beautiful jumps and masses.  (Fans of “Machine Gun” Lou know that he not only appeared in The Fall Guy episode “Eight Ball,” but also played pool in movies such as Racing with the Moon and Police Academy 6: City Under Siege.)  The full “Minnesota Vicki” episode is available to watch here.

But, for such a lame episode, “Minnesota Vicki” does engender two interesting questions.  First, could a robot play pool so well?  And second, could a 10-year-old child play pool so well?

I tackled the first question about three years ago when I reviewed the My Living Doll episode “Pool Shark” so I won’t rehash it here, as not much has advanced.  Suffice to say, a lot of robots are being built to shoot pool, though none can currently play like V.I.C.I. or the My Living Doll android Rhoda Miller.

The second question, however, presents new terrain for my blog, as the billiards movie/television milieu has been lacking elementary school-aged prodigies. (I’m guessing Bobby Brady was at least a teenager when he showcased his pool prowess in The Brady Bunch episode “The Hustler.”)

Fortunately, it doesn’t require much online searching to affirmatively answer that it’s not science fiction for a young child to play amazeballs pool.  Take Keith O’Dell, who set the world record for youngest billiards player at the age of 25 months.  You can watch him dazzle in this video from when he was 5 years old.  Or, there is Wang Wuka, age 4 when this video was filmed, from Eastern China, who spends several hours a day on the snooker table.

Jean Balukas

Jean Balukas, age 6

In fact, as billiards buffs and historians know, a number of the sport’s greatest started at a very young age.  As we learned in the documentary The Strickland Story, Earl “The Pearl” Strickland started playing at age 8, when his dad snuck him into a North Carolina pool hall.  Billiards Congress of America Hall of Famer Loree Jon Hasson ran her first rack at age 5 and performed her first trick shots at age 6 at a Chicago men’s World Straight Pool tournament.[1] The great Jean Balukas gained such attention at age 6 from performing in a billiards exhibition at Grand Central Station that she subsequently appeared on the show I’ve Got a Secret.  By the time she was in 2nd grade, she was being billed as the “Little Princess of Pocket Billiards.”

And, of course, there is the legend Willie Mosconi, who first learned to play pool by practicing with small potatoes from his mother’s kitchen and a broomstick. At age 6, he participated in an exhibition match against the reigning world champion Ralph Greenleaf. Mosconi lost but the game cemented his reputation as a prodigy. By the time he was 11, he was the US juvenile straight pool champion, regularly holding trick shot exhibitions.[2]

So, if you’re thinking of betting your company in a game of pool against a fifth-grade android, remember: it’s not the robotic circuitry you need to worry about.  You’ve been warned.

[1]       “BILLIARDS; A Top Player Survives That Sinking Feeling,” New York Times, August 12, 1995.

[2]       “10 Extraordinary Child Prodigies,” April 6, 2009.

Living Single – “Another Saturday Night”

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Picture this television series: A group of six individuals in their 20s and 30s.  The men in the group share an apartment. So do the women. Both apartments are in the same building.  Among the individuals, there is romantic tension, sexual tension, and yes, even real relationships.  Jokes abound about living in New York City.

So, here’s my question: Were the people you pictured white or black? If they were black, chances are you may have been thinking about the Fox sitcom Living Single that aired for five seasons starting in 1993.  If they were white, then you were probably picturing Friends, the NBC sitcom that aired a year later and lasted a decade. These shows were more similar than many people wish to admit.

Living SingleBoth shows were popular, though Friends had a viewership (25-30 million) almost three times as large as Living Single.  Both shows were also pretty terrible, in my humble opinion.  But, more to the point of this blog, both shows managed to weave in some billiards, with Living Single making it far more the centerpiece of an episode than Friends.

In March 1995, Living Single aired “Another Saturday Night,” the 22nd episode in its second season.  The billiards plot is paper-thin.  Overton (John Henton) gets hustled out of $200 at the pool hall.  Khadijah (Queen Latifah) offers to help Overton get his money back. Along with Synclaire (Kim Coles), Overton’s girlfriend, the trio go to the pool hall and challenge the two flimflammers to a double-or-nothing game of mixed doubles against Overton and Khadijah.  Initially feigning ignorance about the game, Khadijah then turns on her skills and wins back the money with a one-hand shot.

Not satisfied to just win $200 with “the best streak of beginner’s luck [she’s] ever had,” she agrees to play again, upping the bet to $500, using her rent money.  Down five balls pretty quickly, Khadijah then slips, suffering a wrist injury that prevents her from finishing the match.  The opposing team has the option to pair Overton with another woman (or he forfeits).  They choose “Mary Tyler Poppins” (i.e., Synclaire), who, painting her nails, looks completely disinterested.  But, of course, they chose wrong, as Synclaire turns out to be the real shark, running the table and winning the game and the bet on a six-rail shot, no less.  The lesson to the hustlers: “Deceit and duplicity don’t pay…although in this case, they did pay for us,” says Synclaire.

To my knowledge, Friends never went full-tilt-billiards, but in October 1996, the episode “The One with the Flashback” (Season 3, Episode 6), did introduce some billiards humor, when Ross (David Schwimmer) and Phoebe (Lisa Kudrow) reminisced about their almost-hookup on the pool table.  The specific scene is here.

Ross and Phoebe attempt to take their passion to the baize, only to suffer multiple problems, including Ross hitting his head (twice) on the overhead light, Ross fumbling to get the balls off the table, Ross getting his foot stuck in a pocket, and Ross having trouble with the “stupid balls in the way,” which promptly kills the mood.

Get it?  As I said already, I never understood why people thought these shows were any good.