Perfect Break

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Back in 2016, I spoke to producer Len Evans about his forthcoming snooker movie Perfect Break, which was wrapping up post-production. (The movie was released in 2020.) Mr. Evans had promised a “low-budget, family film” that would generate a lot of laughs, showcase great snooker playing, and feature world snooker champion Jimmy White and famed snooker commentator John Virgo in key roles.

Perfect BreakThat promise proved paper-thin. Perfect Break is a perfect bust.

The setup had potential. Bobby Stevens (Joe Rainbow), an unknown snooker player, makes it to the finals at the Crucible. Performing a whitewash, Bobby is one point away from defeating his number one ranked opponent, Ray “Cannon” Carter, when he suddenly falls apart and ultimately suffers a humiliating loss. His girlfriend leaves him, the media suspects foul play, and Bobby disappears behind a luchador mask, relegated to performing trick shots at local clubs and community centers. 

But, after that five-minute opener, the movie quickly spirals into looniness. Bobby takes a job as a resident masked snooker player at the Marine Cliffs Entertainment Center. This nondescript venue seems to be a holiday park for mobile homes. It features an offensively stereotyped homosexual security guard, who inquires about Bobby’s “pole” and whistles “toodle-oo” to unlucky patrons. The snooker table is in a room that can barely squeeze ten people. Running around Marine Cliffs is the proprietor Kate (Tia Demir) and her daughter, Sophie (Ella Tweed) a budding matchmaker who is determined to pair Bobby and her mom.

Meanwhile, in the snookerverse, Ray is determined to track down Bobby for a rematch, as he still suspects the original match may have been thrown. He hatches a cockamamie plan to get Bobby invited to the exclusive Jimmy White Invitational Snooker Tournament. This event features eight of the world’s top-ranked players, with unoriginal names like Mark “Magician” Ward (sorry, Efren Reyes) and Joe “Hitman” Waye (sorry, Michael Holt). Inexplicably, the Tournament occurs in some beat-up club room, where the players use cheap wooden cues, and which houses an audience of maybe 20 bored onlookers, including children.

Perfect Break.v2 1[SPOILER ALERT] Bobby accepts the invite, especially after he learns that he was hypnotized by his ex-girlfriend to throw his infamous match. A little whisper-magic later and the spell is broken. Bring on the nine-frame rematch and a chance for another 147 perfect break.

Perfect Break suffers from a perfect mix of wooden dialogue, an idiotic plot, unconvincing settings, an over-reliance on random music, and terrible production. The snooker graphics look like they were done in PowerPoint.  Mr. White and Mr. Virgo, who supposedly were on set, seem like they got Photoshopped into the movie. There is a black-and-white snooker training montage for no reason. There are random color filters applied to scenes and amateur special effects to simulate something as mundane as waking up. Sound issues and muffled voices plague every outdoor scene.

The snooker-playing was equally disappointing, most obviously because there’s surprisingly little snooker on screen. I’m not counting the unimaginative trick shots. Nor am I counting some of the background potting done by Phil Burness, who is the film’s “snooker consultant.” 

I’m talking about actual snooker. Unfortunately, the Crucible match occurs off-screen. The Jimmy White Invitational matches are edited such that most of the time the viewer is looking directly at the player lining up a shot, rather than watching the player make the shot. Pots are disconnected from strokes. The few shots we see wide-screen are super basic, making me wonder what kind of bargain the producers got on Mr. Burness’ fees. As for Mr. White and Mr. Virgo, they’re ballyhooed involvement amounts to less than three minutes of stilted dialogue, literally done as talking heads. 

If you’re looking for the perfect break to your day, you’re not going to find it with Perfect Break.

Containing Safety

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Given billiards is lamentably, often associated in pop culture with hustling, drinking, and even violence, it’s a real pleasure to stumble across a snooker short film as warm-hearted and genuine as Containing Safety. 

Containing Safety.2Created in 2022 by TAPE Community Music and Film, a community arts charity which specializes in “inclusive, person-led support for people of all ages” (more on that later), Containing Safety tells the story of Wayne, a man who communicates without speech and requires external support to accomplish many quotidian tasks, such as drinking or moving from one location to another.

On a regular visit to a snooker club, Wayne watches his support workers, Tony and Dean, play a game. They bicker with one another, fussing about a previous game in which a containing safety may have been unwarranted. They take shots, missing more than they pot, and then one of them launches into a monologue about snooker being the ultimate “colonial sport” because the “white ball violently takes out the colored balls.” (This idea was much funnier when Martin Lawrence originally discussed it 30 years ago in the billiards scene from Boomerang.)

Wayne may be amused or bored by his support workers. But, his attention ultimately wanders to the adjacent table, where a elderly gentleman wearing upside-down glasses is successfully potting ball after ball. Tony and Dean are oblivious to the gentleman, even when he comes over to Wayne, pleasantly engaging him and asking him if he wants to see a maximum break. 

Dennis Taylor

Dennis Taylor

By now, most snooker fans watching Containing Safety might recognize the affable septuagenarian as Dennis Taylor, the former world snooker champion who famously defeated Steve Davis in the 1985 World Snooker Championship final, arguably one of the most famous matches in snooker history. 

(Snooker pop culture enthusiasts may also know Mr. Taylor from his participation on the music single “Snooker Loopy,” #3 on my list of Top 10 Billiards Songs and Videos. He also had guest appearances on the snooker game show Big Break and the dancing competition Strictly Come Dancing.)

Mr. Taylor pots his final ball, raises his cue in victory, and then grabs Wayne’s hand, saying farewell and giving him an autographed note. As Mr. Taylor exits, the film humorously ends with Wayne’s co-worker finding the note and dismissing it as a sham. He boasts, “I’d think I know if the world snooker player was playing on the table next to me…what a con man.” Of course, Wayne – and the audience – know better. Wink, wink.

Containing Safety is an enjoyable viewing experience, not just because the film has a warm heartbeat, but also because it was birthed through TAPE’s inclusive process in which people of all ages, abilities, and experience levels collaborated on everything from the script to the production to the acting. TAPE’s co-founder, Steve Swindon, shared with me a behind-the-scenes video, which highlights this inclusive process, as well as TAPE’s noble charitable aims.

Interviewed by the North Wales Pioneer about his participation, Mr. Taylor shared, “I am delighted to have taken part in this short film with TAPE. Having read the script, I was impressed by the way in which the story used a simple visit to a snooker hall to present important messages about how people are supported.” 

Containing Safety is available to watch on TAPE’s website.

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  1. Billiards Forum defines a containing safety as a type of safety shot which takes place at the mid way point of a safety exchange. A containing safety is not like a typical safety in that it is not meant to place the opponent into a difficult situation with respect to their next safety. Instead, a containing safety is done as such that it does not leave the opponent with an easy pot on.

Hazel and Gary

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In 1855, when Napoleon III wanted to thank Russia for the coronation of Tsar Alexander II, he sent them an ornate billiards table as a gift.

BeiberAt the age of 52, having completed the writing of Great Expectations three years earlier, Charles Dickens requested delivery of a Thurston snooker table to his estate as a gift in time for Christmas.

Fast-forward 150 years, and celebrities are still giving/getting pool tables as gifts, such as when Justin Bieber turned 18 and shared that the best birthday gift he received was an amazing, purple pool table. Or, when Kristen Stewart celebrated the 27th birthday of her then-boyfriend Robert Pattison by buying him a custom-made snooker table. 

In television and film, this trend also rings true; pool table gift-giving has been a periodic source of amusement, from The Honeymooners (“Opportunity Knocks”) to The Brady Bunch (“The Hustler”). To this micro-genre, I now submit the likely unfamiliar Hazel episode, “Hazel’s Free Enterprise,” and Gary Unmarried episode, “Gary Gets His Stuff Back.”

Hazel

Premiering in 1961, Hazel was an American sitcom about a spunky, take-charge, live-in maid named Hazel Burke (played by Shirley Booth, who received two Emmy awards for the portrayal) and her employers, the Baxters.  

In March 1966, toward the end of the series’ five-season run, CBS aired the episode “Hazel’s Free Enterprise.” Hazel’s employer, Barbara Baxter, is determined to surprise her husband Steve with a pool table for his birthday. She locates a table, normally priced at $900, that is selling for $250. Unwilling to pass up such a bargain, she puts down $50, which is all the money she has. That leaves Barbara, and the ever-resourceful Hazel, needing a plan to raise the remaining $200. Their solution is to launch Aunt Hazel’s Chili Sauce at a popular grocery chain. Much culinary confusion ensues, but – spoiler alert – they do raise the money and surprise the wondrously happy hubby with the table.

HazelThe husband, along with next door neighbor Fred Williams, can’t wait to play a friendly game of pool, with stakes of ten cents per pocketed ball. While Barbara admits she doesn’t “know a thing about pool,” Hazel accepts the gentlemen’s invitation to join the game. They then lay heavy into the mansplaining, demonstrating to Hazel how to aim and chalk a cue, while also whispering they’ve found a real “pigeon” in Hazel.  But Hazel is no patsy. She then asks the kids to fetch her cue stick and, after quickly pocketing a couple of balls, tells the sheepish men, “Heard of Minnesota Fats? We’ll I’m known as Hazel the Blitz.” 

Of course, the trope of men underestimating women in billiards is about as common as the trope of gift-giving billiards tables. Other series that rolled out a similar storyline include All in the Family (“Archie is Cursed,” 1973) and Love, American Style (“Love and the Hustler,” 1969).

The full episode is available to watch for free on DailyMotion.

Gary Unmarried

Saturday Night Live alum Jay Mohr, long past the glory days of Jerry Maguire, Picture Perfect, and Suicide Kings, fronted the little-watched CBS sitcom Gary Unmarried from 2008 to 2010. The series focused on the life of Gary Brooks (Mohr) and begins three months after he and his ex-wife, Allison Brooks (Paula Marshall), officially divorce. Their acrimonious relationship is intermittently salvaged by affectionate makeup sessions and reminiscing of occasional good times.

At the center of the first-season, 2008 episode, “Gary Gets His Stuff Back,” is a pool table, which Gary gave to his ex-wife Allison as a paper anniversary gift, though he insists it was never really hers. He refers to the table as his “basement wife.” He professes, “This is my pool table…she’s perfect, I love her.” And, he laments, “[Allison] doesn’t deserve that table, she doesn’t respect the game, she calls the rack that triangle thing.”

When Allison refuses to cede the table, Gary initially threatens to blackmail her with the release of racy photos, and then attempts to burglarize her house and steal the table. Both plans fail miserably, though there is a silver lining, as both characters divulge that the true reason they want the table is because of all the good memories associated with it. In the end, Gary concedes and tells his ex, “You keep the table. It’s worth it to me to know you have something in the house that reminds you of me in a good way.” 

No pool tables were harmed in the filming of this episode, and sadly, no billiards was actually played.

The episode is available to watch on YouTube.

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For those who are considering gifting a billiards table, or any billiard accessories, I encourage you to shop at PoolDawg, which has generously sponsored this blog for many years. Their new 2023 catalog comes out in a few weeks. Get ahead of the pack and sign up for their free catalog today.

The One-Acts – “Third and Oak: Pool Hall”

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Here’s an all-star lineup:

  1. Anthony Quinn, who won Best Supporting Oscars both for Viva Zapata! and Lust for Life and received Best Actor Oscar nominations for Zorba the Greek and Wild is the Wind.
  2. Fielder Cook, a director who won three Emmys and received five additional Emmy nominations.
  3. Marsha Norman, who received the 1983 Pulitzer Prize for Drama for her play ‘night, Mother.
  4. James Earl Jones, an actor so accomplished that he won the EGOT (Emmy, Grammy, Oscar, Tony) including a Lifetime Achievement Honorary Academy Award.
  5. Mario Van Peebles, the director and star of New Jack City (and son of pioneering director Melvin Van Peebles).

That quintet teamed up in November 1989 for “Third and Oak: Pool Hall,” a don’t-blink-or-you’ll-miss-it, one-time only performance. The show was a televised live theater production that was one of four episodes aired as part of the Arts & Entertainment Network’s anthology series American Playwrights Theater: The One-Acts.

Chicago Tribune TV Week 1989While “Third and Oak: Pool Hall” is hardly the masterpiece that such a quintet seems capable of, the episode still makes for a gem in the annals of billiards television and for some powerful viewing, if you can find it. (More on that later.)

“Third and Oak: Pool Hall” is based on Ms. Norman’s one-act play of the same name. The year is 1978, and the setting is a run-down second floor pool room in Louisville, Kentucky. Mr. Jones plays Willie, the pool hall’s proprietor.  Mr. Van Peebles plays “Shooter” Stevens, a radio DJ who is named after his father (Shooter), a nomadic and exceptionally-skilled pool shark until he lost a game and jumped off a bridge to his death. 

The elder Shooter and Willie, along with an unseen man named George, were best friends, “more like triplets” or “three blind mice,” as they were often prone to trouble. The younger Shooter is married to George’s daughter Sandra (another unseen character), but their relationship is strained, due to Shooter’s flirtatious proclivities and Sandra’s spending habits. Shooter complains, “I’m a 100% certified wholly-owned slave boy, courtesy of MasterCard.”

Those tensions and connections create a fraught relationship between Willie, the demanding surrogate father figure, and the young Shooter, who questions Willie’s ongoing commitment to George and the pool hall as well as fears being stranded once Willie moves. 

If that all sounds a bit soap operatic, you’re not off base. The play is rather convoluted and an excessive amount of banter is devoted to secondhand characters the audience never meets. I doubt I would go watch it off-Broadway. 

But, this is James Earl Jones, the O.G. of basso profundos, the voice behind Vader, the man behind Mustafa. He utters his lines with such “gravel and gravitas” that he mesmerizes, even in a semi-forgettable role.1 He is the uber-paterfamilias, even to a child not his own.  Moreover, his presence contrasts well with the uncorked energy of Mario Van Peebles, who is helter-skelter, always in motion, ever circling the pool table and setting up shots, but never finishing them. In short, “Third and Oak: Pool Hall” works not because of the story, which is both overly complicated and prosaic, but because of the actors’ chemistry and their visceral tension, each one step away from snapping.

Mr. Quinn, the on-screen pre- and post-host of all four episodes of American Playwrights Theater: The One-Acts, shares that Ms. Norman always walked by the real pool hall at Third and Oak, but never went in. She “imagined the life inside of the places we don’t go into.”  It’s that imagination that is the root of the problem. 

For starters, there are fundamental racial problems associated with a white woman who is unwilling (or afraid) to go into a black-owned poolroom, but feels comfortable giving voice to its patrons. But aside from that mega hitch, Ms. Norman’s choice never to enter the poolhall means there is no attempt to really understand the mind of the road player, the argot of the pool table, and the impact such a life could have on family and friends. We are left with make-believe, a thin drama that only works because the actors can overcome it.

Billiards enthusiasts, whose hopes may have been raised given the paucity of plays that reference billiards (never mind include “pool” in their title), will undoubtedly feel discontented. With the exception of a brief mention of Ralph Greenleaf and Willie Hoppe, neither the dialogue nor the action reveals any familiarity with the sport. As mentioned earlier, Shooter repeatedly picks up a cue, but he rarely follows through. In fact, there is a scene toward the end in which Shooter attempts to make his father’s famed trick shot, but as he never sets up the shot the same way, it’s an embarrassing attempt at verisimilitude. 

Intrigued? Curious to watch? Unfortunately, unless you live in Los Angeles or New York City, you may be shit outta luck. “Third and Oak: Pool Hall” is not available anywhere to stream or purchase, and I could not find any bootleg versions online. However, if you’re in LA or NYC, the Paley Center for Media has the episode in their archives for public viewing.

  1. “James Earl Jones: A voice for the ages, aging gracefully,” The Washington Post, September 17, 2014.

Inaugural Billiards-Themed Non-Billiards Magazine Awards (Part 2)

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In my previous post, I announced Part One of the Inaugural Billiards-Themed Non-Billiards Magazine Awards. These are magazine covers from the past 100 years, from around the world, that feature either billiards or billiards professionals on their covers.

Billiards magazine cover: Tattoos Down Under (2003, Australia) Unlike the recently maligned Golden Globes ceremony, my awards were received positively; readers expressing gratitude, enthusiasm, and the reluctant agreement that billiards does not often receive the respect it deserves. As D.C. Walker shared on Facebook, “Anyone that thinks [billiards] is not a sport has obviously never played in a week-long tournament and made it to the $$$$. It’s mentally and physically draining.”

I thought I had maxed out with my original treasure trove of 163 covers, but just over the past two weeks, the number of eligible covers increased 15% to 187. New entrants include a cover of The Sportsman from 1928; a 2021 cover of Das Heu, a German magazine devoted to the fields of self-publishing and graphic design; and a 2003 cover of the Australian magazine Tattoos Down Under.

So, lest my opening monologue drown out the awards, let’s jump right into the second half of the Inaugural Billiards-Themed Non-Billiards Magazine Awards.

BEST SUNDAY MAGAZINE SUPPLEMENT TO ACKNOWLEDGE BILLIARDS

Winner: The New York Times Magazine (February, 1992)

Billiards magazine cover: New York Times Magazine (1992)Sunday magazine supplements to daily newspapers have been around since The San Francisco Chronicle made history in 1869.  The content is not as timely or current, and the articles cover a wide range of topics, including (once in a 2-ball-blue moon) billiards.  On February 23, 1992, The New York Times Magazine – our award winner – featured “The Striking Viking” Ewa Mataya on its cover and a story on her “campaign to change the game’s image.” Talk about a noble cause true to my heart.

Runner-up: In April, 1975, the cover of the Arkansas Gazette featured Telly Savalas leaning over a pool table. And, before you make any cue ball jokes, remember that Kojak plays pool (from the episode “Before the Devil Knows.”)!

MOST INTERESTING BILLIARDS CURE FOR READING APATHY

Winner: Alfred Hitchcock’s Mystery Magazine (November, 2011)

Billiards magazine cover: Alfred Hitchcock Mystery (2011)Given people between the ages of 15 and 44 read for an average of 10 minutes or less per day, it’s hard to imagine who is the audience for the estimated 5,000 literary magazine titles currently in production.  

But, if anything can turn around the reading blues, it’s a billiards story, starting with this award-winner, the 2011 issue of Alfred Hitchcock’s Mystery Magazine, with its “Slip Knot” cover story by author David Edgerley Gates. While I was drawn in by the bold artwork, it was the teaser that seduced me, “The pool hall was packed, and the fix was in.” 

Runner-up: Real Detective looks like first-class trash, but I’d be lying if I said the cover of the August 1985 issue, with a barely-clad woman supine on a pool table, didn’t leave me wanting to peek inside.

BEST COVER PREDATING THE BILLIARDS RENAISSANCE

Winner: Uhu (March 1925, Germany)

Billiards magazine cover: Uhu (1925, Germany)The Hustler came out in 1961, ushering in the modern Billiards Renaissance and extricating the sport from the confines of a few to the imagination of many. Or, so the story goes. But, as pre-1961 covers demonstrate, billiards has been around for a long time, knocking on the doors of everything from our private estates to our public barrooms. 

With its playful carom billiards cover, featuring a cue-ball headed player whispering to his table-bound brethren, the March 1925 issue of Uhu is the category’s winner. Uhu was a German monthly magazine published between 1924 and 1934 that focused on culture and science.

Runner-up: Emmett Watson illustrated the January 25, 1941 cover of The Saturday Evening Post. With Japan having recently attacked Pearl Harbor, and Hitler turning his attention to the Soviet Union, the world was indeed behind the eight ball.

MOST OVERDUE AN AVN AWARD

Winner: Screw (October, 1976)

Billiards magazine cover: Screw (1974)Billiards and sex have been bed partners between the pages and on the covers of magazines at least since 1936, when a coquettish young woman focused our attention on her derriere on the cover of Stolen Sweets. 

But, to bring home the AVN, more than a flirtatious wink is required. (Sorry, Playboy.) The #NSFW winner is the October 1976 cover of Screw, Al Goldstein’s “raunchy, obnoxious, usually disgusting, and sometimes political” pornographic magazine. (To be clear, this award in no way endorses the rather dangerous game of pocket pool being played.)

Runner-up: The May 2021 cover of Quiver, which showcases “kink, goth and the darker side of sexy” as well as a terrible cue stick grip and bridge.

BEST POLITICAL USE OF BILLIARDS IMAGERY

Co-Winners: Der Spiegel (January, 2017, Germany) and India Today – Tamil (2013, India)

Billiards magazine cover: Der Spiegel (2017, Germany) Billiards magazine cover: India Today (2013, India)Years ago, I saw a 1942 World War 2 poster in which an 8-ball careens toward a trio of billiard balls imprinted with the faces of Hitler, Mussolini, and Hirohito. “Production will put them behind the eight ball,” rallies the poster. It’s visually arresting, an ingenious integration of billiards imagery and lingo and political content and messaging.

This category’s co-winners are similarly creative with their billiards-themed, politically-charged cover illustrations.  Four days after President Trump’s 2017 inauguration, the German news magazine Der Spiegel published its issue with an American billiards ball aimed at a rack of billiards balls emblazoned with flags from other countries. The cover story translates to, “The New World Order.”

Similarly, in a 2013 issue of India Today (Tamil), a cue ball with the initials CBI (for Central Bureau of Investigation, the premier investigating agency of India) is aimed at a rack of balls with faces. I don’t recognize the individuals, but can only assume they are a gaggle of corrupt politicians.

MOST WELCOMING FOR RETIREMENT

Winner: The Go (June-August, 2018)

Billiards magazine cover: The Go (2018)According to Connelly Billiards in Tucson, Arizona, “Billiards tables are very popular in retirement homes and assisted living facilities…When seniors engage in activities that require them to problem-solve, as billiards does, it can prevent the cognitive decline that can lead to dementia.”

While I cannot validate that assertion with actual statistics, the magazine covers of various retirement communities do hint at the prominence of pool. The easy winner in this category is the June-August 2018 cover of The Go, the magazine for Longmont, Colorado senior services. The issue profiles Dorothy, a Longmont native who plays billiards with her granddaughters. Go grandma!

Runner-up: The September 2022 issue of Kokomo, a regional magazine focused on Kokomo, Indiana, highlights the city’s lively senior citizens center, which includes a pool room with multiple tables.

MOST LIKELY TO MAKE YOUR HEAD HURT

Winner: Comics & Science (January, 2022, Italy)

Billiards magazine cover: ComicsScience (2022, Italy)Billiards is a sport of geometry and physics (but not chemistry, making the April 2017 cover of Chemistry – A European Journal a bit perplexing). The math and science has been illustrated in numerous billiards television episodes and short films, ranging from Donald in Mathmagic Land to the “Let’s Play Long Billiards” episode of Discover Science.

Among magazines, the category winner is the January 2022 issue of Comics & Science, an Italian publication that pairs authors with researchers to express concepts and problems faced by the scientific community in the language of comics. This cover story focuses on Maryam Mirzakhani, a pioneering mathematician, who explored questions such as what trajectory does the ball make when bouncing off the table? Is it possible to find a billiard table where, given the starting point of the ball, there are inaccessible points?

Runner-up: Scientific American is the O.G. of this category. The January 1994 cover shows a cue ball breaking a rack and tracking the motions of the balls. The intractable problem: how to calculate the paths the ball will take.

MOST LIKELY TO STEAM UP THE ROOM

Winner: Maxim (April, 2011, South Korea)

Billiards magazine cover: Maxim (2011, South Korea)Billiards does not tend to make the top 10 lists for sports with the sexiest male athletes or female athletes. Perhaps true, but check out Jennifer Baretta (FHM), Shanelle Lorraine (Maxim) or Mark Selby and Judd Trump (in a commercial for Chinese fashion label K-Boxing), and you might reconsider.

Sizzling eyeballs in this category is Cha Ya Rum on the April 2011 cover of the South Korean edition of Maxim. She has been called the “Goddess of Billiards” for her celebrity-style looks. She won gold for 9-ball singles in the 2009 Asian Indoor Games.

Runner-up: Published in India, The Man is the luxury magazine for the discerning male. The January 2011 issue features Pankaj Advani, the “golden boy of billiards,” and posits the question, “Is he the last gentleman alive?”

BEST PAIRING OF MUSIC AND BILLIARDS

Winner: Monkees Monthly (April, 1969, UK)

Billiards magazine cover: Monkees Monthly (1969, UK)Billiards and music collaborate wonderfully, like Rodgers and Hammerstein, David Bowie and Queen, or Chas & Dave in their 1986 hit “Snooker Loopy.” Musicians write about billiards, they create videos about billiards, they feature billiards in their album cover art, and they certainly play billiards. 

It’s only natural that musicians would star with their cue sticks on the covers of music magazines.  Award-winning exhibit A: the April 1969 issue of Monkees Monthly, featuring lead singer Davy Jones poised and ready to take his shot (and melt fans’ hearts everywhere). 

Runner-up: Aaron Taylor may not be well-known, but under his stage name, MC Eiht, the rapper has built a huge following. When The Source put him on its February 1995 cover, they seized the literal moment and situated him at a pool table, surrounded by 8-balls. 

BEST OPPORTUNITY TO INTRO THE LITTLE TOTS TO BILLIARDS

Winner: Billiken (1930, Argentina)

Billiards magazine cover: Billiken (1930, Argentina)In late 2020, I published a blog post entitled, “The Billiards Industry Needs Its Bobby Brady.” The title was a tongue-and-cheek reference to the memorable Brady Bunch episode “The Hustler.” But, the article’s larger point was that to inspire the next generation of pool players, pop culture needed to portray and embrace the pre-adult billiard-playing population. 

A smart avenue, albeit not a popular one, is showcasing billiards on the cover of children’s magazines. To my knowledge, the best-known examples – e.g., Highlights, Ranger Rick, National Geographic Kids – have eschewed billiards. Thankfully, Billiken, a Spanish language magazine first published in 1919 and still in print today, chose otherwise. This Argentinian publication’s 1930 cover, featuring a determined, diapered baby attempting to pocket a ball, is this category’s winner de oro.

Runner-up:  The Indian magazine Dimdima targets readers between the ages of 8 and 16.  Thanks to its October 2013 cover story, that demographic will be a little wiser about billiards and the Indian snooker sensation Aditya Mehta.

That concludes the Inaugural Billiards-Themed Non-Billiards Magazine Awards. While I was only able to honor a small number of the eligible covers, I encourage you to view the full lot and send me any you stumble across that I am missing. After all, if billiards can grace the cover of Alaska Business Monthly, I’m pretty sure it can pop up anywhere.

Inaugural Billiards-Themed Non-Billiards Magazine Awards (Part 1)

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As the popularity of billiards has intermittently waxed and waned over the past century, numerous billiards magazines and journals from around the world have aspired to keep an ear to the baize for its fan base. By my count, almost 100 different publications have reported on the sport. 

billiards magazineThey span a lifetime: from Billiards Magazine, the industry’s pioneer which launched in 1913, to its current incarnations, such as Billiards Digest, Pool & Billiard, SPM Media, and Snooker Scene. They have spanned the globe: from Cue’s (Japan) and d’Billiard (Indonesia) to Billiard World (Russia) and Bubbles (Croatia). And, they have tackled the sport at every angle: from the highly quantitative (Accu-Stats) to the questionably (in)appropriate (Billiards Table Talk). 

For the sports’ professionals, the magazines have provided visibility and exposure to a larger audience, albeit not that large or for that long with many of these publications.  Nonetheless, to paraphrase Dr. Hook & the Medicine Show, it “is the thrill that’ll getcha when you get your picture on the cover of the Rollin’ Stone a billiards magazine.”

But, the story gets much more interesting when we leap beyond those 100 billiards publications (of which perhaps 10 are in print today). The global print and digital magazine industry was approximately $90B in 2020. There were 7,416 print consumer magazine titles in the US alone in 2020. I have no idea how many there were in the world.

All those different titles create a massive opportunity both for showcasing the sport’s stars to a non-billiards fanbase, and for reminding the world of the visual, emotional, and metaphoric power of the game. Seeing is believing, and the surest way to ensure the long-term survival of the sport is to keep it front and center, however, whenever, and wherever.

Excluding the aforementioned billiards publications, I have found 173 non-billiards magazines that either feature billiards or billiards professionals on their covers.  Once again, they cover 100 years, criss-crossing the globe and infiltrating news, music, culture, and every other magazine genre.  To make sense of such a motley mélange of magazines, I created the Inaugural Billiards-Themed Non-Billiards Magazine Awards. (Part 1 is below. Part 2 will be in the next blog post.) Call it the alt-Ellies, phenolic resin, chalk dust, and all. 

BEST SPORTS PUBLICATION TO RIGHTFULLY RECOGNIZE BILLIARDS AS A SPORT

Winner: Sports Illustrated (2010, China)

Having grown up with Sports Illustrated covers plastering my bedroom walls, I still cannot forgive the US magazine for failing to feature billiards on its cover. It’s not because it’s niche; chess, bowling, and ballooning have all graced the cover.  At least SI ran a story on Jeanette Lee, entitled “The Little Blessings of the Black Widow,” in the October 7, 2021 issue.

Fortunately, the China edition of Sports Illustrated did not make the same mistake. A 2010 cover features Chinese snooker player Ding Juhui, the most successful Asian player in the sport’s history. Having recently won the 2009 Pukka Pies UK SnookerChampionship, Mr. Juhui was ranked fifth in the world at the time of this issue.

Runner-up: Sportstar, the monthly Indian sports magazine, featured national star Pankaj Advani on its cover both in September 2009 and November 2014.

LEAST OBVIOUS COUNTRY TO RAISE ITS BILLIARD FLAG

Winner: наш спорт (2022)

For countries, such as the United States or France, that publish upwards of 7,000+ magazine titles per year, it’s not surprising to see billiards imagery sprinkled across a smattering of titles. But, for less obvious countries, where the number of magazine titles published is under 1,000, seeing billiards imagery is like sinking the 8-ball on the break. 

This award goes to the 2022 issue of наш спорт, a Belarus publication that translates to Our Sport. Not sure who is gracing the cover, but the magazine is dedicated to the “promotion of a healthy lifestyle, the education of a healthy harmonious personality, the priority value of which is an active, healthy and long life.”

Runner-up: The Italian magazine Grazia did its first international spinoff with a Bulgarian edition. A 2022 issue features model Elsa Matiz “playing to win” (assuming she catches that 8-ball).

HOTTEST CELEBRITY TO HOLD A POOL CUE

Co-Winners: Veronica (June 1999, Netherlands) and Vanity Fair (January, 2015)

There are lots of lists of celebrities shooting billiards. I recently wrote about Fred Astaire, a maestro of the sport, who made his own shots across four episodes of Dr. Kildare. 

This award, however, has zero to do with billiards skill; it has everything to do with that feral combination of hot Hollywood bods, suggestive, physical contortions, and all the sexual innuendo packed into stroking shafts and pocketing balls.

There was a lot out there to ogle, but it’s a tie between a leopard print lingerie-clad Neve Campbell gracing the 1999 cover of the Dutch magazine Veronica and Bradley Cooper giving us his baby blue stare on the 2015 cover of Vanity Fair. 

LOUDEST TOAST TO BILLIARDS MOVIES

Winner: Life (November, 1986)

I may have discovered more than 300 billiards movies, TV episodes and short films, but I freely admit most are unlikely to receive more than an ⅛ page vertical of magazine copy. Ever. Never mind a cover.

Of course, The Color of Money was no ordinary film. It was a sequel, directed by the legendary Martin Scorsese 25 years after the Oscar-winning original, that paired two generations of megawatt stars, Paul Newman and Tom Cruise, fresh off of Top Gun.

Not surprisingly, this category’s winner, the November 1986 issue of Life, salutes that film by offering a “private visit with the new hustler and the old pro.” 

Runner-up: While it’s tempting to award the December 1986 issue of US, or the November 1986 issue of American Cinematographer, which both focused on TCOM, the award goes to a 1989 Chicago Tribune – TV Week, which shows James Earl Jones and Mario Van Peebles starring in the little-known billiards episode, “Third and Oak: Pool Hall.”

MOST DESERVING OF A LARGER AUDIENCE

Winner: Flex (March, 1986)

The audience for niche interests is wildly varied, vast, and boundless. Not surprisingly, niche magazines are ready and waiting to satiate these sub-groups’ desires for content. And, there are some really niche mags out there: Emu Today & Tomorrow (emu farming), PRO (portable restroom operators), Girls and Corpses (‘nuff said). 

While billiards has never graced the cover of Elevator World, it has extended its reach into some non-mainstream areas of interest. Flex, an American bodybuilding magazine with a peak estimated circulation of 78,000, wins this award with its March 1986 cover featuring strongman Albert Beckles.  He may be “on the ball,” but I’m afraid he’s going to crush that cue stick into wood chippings.

Runner-up: Apparently, in Greece, haircuts are associated with billiards. At least, that’s my conclusion from the 2020 cover of The B. Mag, a Greek magazine devoted to the barber industry, which gives new meaning to the pool lingo, “a close cut.”

FARTHEST JUMP FROM BILLIARDS TO ANOTHER INDUSTRY

Winner: FWD (2002, Philippines)

Aside from his countless appearances on sports magazines, Michael Jordan appeared on the cover of everything from GQ and Ebony to Time and Cigar Aficionado. It’s a great sign when athletes can raise their profile beyond the pages of their industry’s publications.

Winning this category is the 2002 issue of FWD, a Pinoy men’s magazine, which featured Efren “Bata” Reyes and the “Black Widow” Jeanette Lee sharing the cover. Their joy is evident; it’s equally shared by us billiards fans.

Runner-up: The 2015 Autumn issue of Whiskeria, a British magazine devoted to unlocking the mystery of whisky, is remarkable for featuring Michaela Tabb on its cover. Not only is she a snooker personality in the world’s leading whisky magazine, but she’s a snooker referee!

BEST UNIVERSITY TO ATTEND

Winner: Black Hills State Alumni Magazine (Fall, 2022)

We’re currently exploring universities for my son. There are a myriad of factors to consider when applying: location, tuition, size, culture, Greek life, academic disciplines, etc. But, the prevalence of billiards? That’s a criterion I had not considered.

Whether to appeal to the student body or their alumni, various universities over the years have chosen to highlight billiards in their public relations. But, no university has done it better than our category winner, Black Hills State University, which put Shane Van Boening on the cover of their Fall 2022 Alumni Magazine. Though the “South Dakota Kid” did not attend the Spearfish, South Dakota based university, he’s about as close to a local legend as the school can ask for.

Runner-up: Kudos to the University of Michigan for its cover story on union renovations stripping away 97 years of pool hall history in their January 2018 issue of The Statement. 

MOST UNINSPIRING USE OF BILLIARDS IMAGERY

Winner: Insurance Journal (March, 2006)

Milton Friedman’s 1953 essay ‘The methodology of positive economics,’ with its famous expert pool-player analogy, is one of the most cited and influential pieces of writing in twentieth-century economics. While the essay is controversial, it’s proof-positive of the widespread metaphoric application of billiards. But, just because billiards can be applied, does not mean it should be…

Claiming the win in this category is the March 2006 of Insurance Journal, a magazine devoted to the property and casualty insurance industry. Under the headline, “Rack ‘Em Up,” the cover features an off-camera player aiming at the 14-ball in a story about the “most popular pockets for accountants’ liability claims.” Talk about a crisis in mixed metaphors.

Runner-up: I’m still scratching my head to understand why the January/February 2017 issue of The Smart Manager, India’s first management magazine, shows billiard balls, cue, and chalk in a cover story on the future of management development programs.

MOST LIKELY TO IMPRESS BOB VILLA

Winner: Workbench (November-December, 1966)

Handcrafted America. Incredible Inventions. The Genuine Article. Furniture To Go. All of these television series have dedicated episodes to the craftsmanship and assembly of billiards tables and cues. No wonder a number of magazines in the Home Improvement sub-genre have similarly devoted cover stories to such a topic.

The category winner is the November-December 1966 issue of Workbench, a magazine about the use of tools and working with wood. The magazine’s strapline invites readers to “construct your own professional-type home pool table.” Three cheers for the Cleaver family shooting pool, but the icing for me was the billiard ball-themed masthead (albeit with two 4-balls).

Runner-up: Seven years after the Workbench issue, Popular Mechanics followed suit in January 1973 with a cover story about “how to build a deluxe pool table for $107.” Yet, somehow this DIY solicitation is much less inviting.

That concludes Part 1 of our Inaugural Billiards-Themed Non-Billiards Magazine Awards. I’ll share the remaining winners in my next blog post.  Until then, if you stumble across any billiards imagery gracing the cover of a non-billiards magazine, please send it my way.  Maybe there is a pool-playing potato farmer out there, just waiting to make the cover of Spudman.

Dr. Kildare

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Many celebrities are known to have picked up a cue stick offscreen. 

A small subset (e.g, Dustin Hoffman, Peter Falk, Jackie Gleason, Buster Keaton) have earned praise, even among the billiards community, for their skills. 

But, at the top of Mount Celebrity sits the true pantheon of pool players – i.e., those who might run 100 balls straight. This exclusive group includes Mark Twain, Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, and of course, Fred Astaire, who was known to practice 14:1 in his basement up to six hours a day and was friends with BCA Hall of Famers Dan DiLiberto and Ed Kelly, according to former Billiards Digest Contributing Editor George Fels.1

Mr. Astaire’s pool prowess is legendary, though largely unwitnessed by the general public. However, there is one exception. In 1965, in one of his few television roles, Mr. Astaire played Joe Quinlan, a warm-hearted pool shark, across four episodes of the medical drama television series Dr. Kildare. 

Though Dr. Kildare is quaint, maudlin and dated by today’s standards, the four episodes – “Fathers and Daughters” (November 22, 1965), “A Gift of Love” (November 23), “The Tent Dwellers” (November 29), and “Going Home” (November 30) – offer a wonderful lens for watching and appreciating Mr. Astaire, and equally important, for treating billiards with a modicum of respect. 

Dr. Kildare is an NBC medical drama series that ran from 1961 to 1966, for a total of 191 episodes over five seasons. Richard Chamberlain, a hitherto unknown actor,  played the eponymous doctor and quickly became a star and heartthrob. The episodes occur at the fictional Blair General Hospital, where Dr. Kildare tries to learn his profession, deal with patients’ problems, and win the respect of the senior Dr. Leonard Gillespie (Raymond Massey).

In the episode “Fathers and Daughters,” Sister Laurie Benjamin (Laura Devon), a medical missionary nun, returns from her field work with an advanced state of acute stem cell leukemia. She checks into Blair Hospital and is visited by her father, Joe Quinlan (Astaire), an affable, nomadic pool shark, who is in town for the Invitational Tournament of Champions: World’s Foremost Pocket Billiards Stars, with its $4,000 pot (approximately $38,000 today). Sister Benjamin lauds her father as “an artist – the greatest pocket billiard player in the whole world…on some occasions.” Describing his profession to Dr. Kildare, Quinlan jocularly explains, “My working equipment: a two piece pool cue.  The sight of it gives my sister a rash.”

Naturally, Sister Benjamin wishes to conceal the seriousness of her condition from her father; at the same time, her father wishes to downplay the severity of his shortness of breath and unusual chest palpitations, symptoms she soon learns are tied to his coronary heart disease.

In “A Gift for Love,” Quinlan fails to show up for his scheduled EKG.  Seeking to locate the absent patient, Dr. Kildare goes to the local pool room and learns that in only a week it will become the setting for an “elite” matchup, including “Ulysses ‘The Burglar’ Jackson from Newark New Jersey, Phil Carmichael from Detroit, Deacon Otis Potts of Kansas City, and the great Joe Quinlan, 16 superstars in all.”

Quinlan is located and teases us with a couple of shots, but he is ultimately brought back to the hospital, where he befriends Francis Healy (Harry Morgan, who would later become famous as Colonel Potter in M*A*S*H). Healy tells Quinlan there is another patient, Mr. Gaffney, who has taken a lot of money off of Healy in some not-so-friendly games of pool.  Healy asks for Quinlan’s help getting some of his money back. “Gaffney has two-thirds of the money in this state. He’s greedy and looking for blood. You could flub half a dozen shots and still beat this guy with a broomstick in your hand.” Sympathetic to Healy’s situation, Quinlan agrees to play, so long as he personally does have to bet any money.

In the penultimate “The Tent Dwellers” episode, we get to see Astaire, the master, at work. Quinlan plays Gaffney in a straight pool game to 50.  His shots are effortless. There is a beautiful combination that prompts Gaffney to initially say, “You make it and I will eat it like an egg, swallowing the thing whole.” (He makes it, though no cue ball is consumed.) The episode largely serves to enforce both Quinlan’s billiards skills and, more important, his altruism. 

While the medical staff chastise him for risking his health, Quinlan beseeches the doctors to give him a more honest assessment of his daughter’s health. Knowing her condition is worsening and concerned about her mounting hospital expenses, he says to no one, “Spare Laurie for those who need her most. Take a clown like me.”

Finally, in “Going Home,” Quinland disappears from the hospital once more. It’s no secret he has gone to compete in the tournament. Dr. Kildare and Healy follow. Naive to the sport, Dr. Kildare watches with awe as Healy explains the skill required to set up shots and run the table, and the economics behind the game, which often exist outside the main action. Healy surmises that Quinlan has “hocked everything but the sterling hair in his ears” to get in on action with big investors in order to ensure he has the means to pay for his daughter’s medical expenses.

SPOILER ALERT. The final match pits Quinlan against Ulysses Jackson (Harold ‘Red’Baker).2 The back-and-forth match gives both men a chance to demonstrate their skills. (Note: Mr. Astaire reportedly insisted on playing all his own pool on-camera – i.e., no cutaway hand shots – as a condition for appearing in the episodes.) Perspiring and periodically clutching at his chest, Quinlan ultimately wins the match, though he passes away shortly thereafter.  

Sister Benjamin, whose leukemia has miraculously gone into remission, is able to leave the hospital. She retrieves her father’s cue and case as a keepsake of his memories, but not before dispensing some billiards advice to a practicing player.  It’s a fitting coda; a hopeful suggestion that the spirit and power of billiards can transcend the individual and pass to the next generation. 

The four episodes from the fifth season of Dr. Kildare are available to purchase on DVD. They are also streaming online at Stremio; however, if you live in either New York or Los Angeles, you can watch them, as I did, at the Paley Center for Media.

  1. “November: Jelly Roles,” by George Fels, Billiards Digest, November 2012.
  2. According to cuemaker Rick Geschrey, Red Baker was a top pocket billiards and three-cushion player. He “could beat top pros in money games on a regular basis. He competed with the likes [of] Greenleaf, Mosconi, Cochran and Hoppe and many others…Baker was on close terms with many in Hollywood and was often called in as a billiard consultant and stand-in. Close-ups of his hands have appeared in many television and movie sequences.”

Pakners

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Two types of people are likely to love the 2003 Philippine billiards movie Pakners. 

The first group are those who deify Efren Reyes, one of the stars of the film. And by “deify,” I don’t mean the aficionados who worship his billiards genius; I mean those who truly worship him, who “see him as one of their own, a man who has pulled himself up from poverty to become world-famous.”1

The second group are those who love Philippine cinema. They appreciate the historic importance of Mr. Reyes, in his cinematic debut, and Fernando Poe Jr., the King of Philippine film, headlining a movie together. They appreciate the bonhomie of their Pinoy heroes, almost folkloric on the screen. They appreciate the familiar neighborhood characters, settings, and sounds.2

For those of us not fitting either grouping, Pakners is likely to be a painful viewing experience, except for the ending at the San Miguel Beer 9-Ball Invitational Doubles Challenge, where both Mr. Reyes and Mr. Poe showcase some spectacular pool.

But, I’ll rewind, as some additional background may be helpful here, especially if the two co-stars’ names are unfamiliar.

Let’s start with “The Magician” Efren “Bata” Reyes, widely considered to be the G.O.A.T. of billiards. The Babe Ruth of the Baize. The Pelé of Pool.  The Tiger Woods with the Táku. His story of humble upbringings and meteoric billiards feats has been told countless times. (A good starting point is the documentary Probe Profile on Efren Reyes.) So much of his likability stems not just from his mind-boggling talent, but his modesty, humility, and generosity, all magnified by his famous toothless grin and his everyday attire.

Mr. Poe is likely less well-known to non-Filipinos, but “Da King” is a national icon, having appeared in 300 films between 1955 and 2003. He often portrays a champion of the poor and downtrodden, an on-screen Robin Hood. His movies have earned him five FAMAS Awards, a record that led to his induction into the FAMAS Hall of Fame in 1988.

Pakners, therefore, represents the pairing of two kings of their crafts. (It was also the last film Mr. Poe made before his run for presidency and then death later in 2004.) For many, seeing the two icons together on the same screen was exhilarating and groundbreaking.  The movie didn’t require great plot or dialogue or direction to wow its built-in fan base.

But, for the rest of us, it did, and regrettably, Pakners comes up very short.

Manuel Diyamunga (Efren Reyes) is an innocent baker and a fish-out-of-water, who is conned out of his savings when he travels to the big city. Fortunately, he is befriended by Nanding Escalante (Fernando Poe Jr), a soft-spoken jeepney driver. The duo realize they have a shared affinity for billiards and seize upon the sport as a way both for Manuel to recover his losses and Nanding to avenge an earlier humiliation he suffered that shut down his billiards career.

Along the way, the gents do some singing and some jabbing (not sure which is more amusing: Mr. Reyes warbling a tune or throwing some rat-a-tat punches), and they find some lady loves, but mainly they play some pool. Sure, there are some bad guys on the periphery, but they’re as effective as Keystone Kops. 

Fast-forward past the terrible sound effects and lame fight sequences and Pakners culminates with the aforementioned San Miguel doubles tournament. The pair face the US opponents of Jackson and McGrady (perhaps, a reference to Keith McCready, who was Tom Cruise’s nemesis in The Color of Money). Finally, there is some beautiful billiards, including a couple of the impossible shots that we forever associate with Mr. Reyes. It’s a splendid reward, but it’s hardly worth the watch.

  1. “The Magician,” The Atlantic, March, 2005.
  2. “A Romp in the ‘Hood,” PhilStar Global, June 2003.
  3. The sponsorship by San Miguel, one of the largest conglomerates in the Philippines, is not insignificant. In 1998, Mr. Poe notably did his first product endorsement ever with San Miguel. Years later, Mr. Reyes did his first commercial for San Miguel. The corporation was also a big supporter of Pakners.

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A final note: my viewing experience was unquestionably compromised by Veed, the translating and subtitling software I used to convert the original Filipino version of Pakners I found online to something I could watch.  However, when the software spits out subtitles, such as, “…your turtle who is having a hard time here at home kiss BoiBoiBoy water for…” then it’s probably time to take up Duolingo.

Pool Tables: The Perfect Gift?

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Perhaps, my most prized physical possession is an eight-foot Olhausen Monarch pool table that I received as a gift when I turned 40. It’s an utter beauty, and it fulfilled a wish that started in college when I cut my first classes to play pool. As it happens, it also sparked my current avocation — blogging about billiards movies and television episodes.

With the holiday season upon us, now may be the time to give the gift of billiards and purchase a pool table – for the mancave, for the spouse-to-be, for the future Mosconi, for the family. The occasion does not matter; if it fits the house and the wallet, a pool table is a must-have. 

Or so I thought until I culled through the annals of pool table presents in pop culture. Unfortunately, the writers and directors behind some of the most relevant gifts in billiards-themed media have a rather different impression.

The 1950s-1960s

The bad press began in 1956, but I cannot tell you why. The economy was strong, unemployment was down to 4.5%, and all that disposable income was fostering a love affair with consumerism.

Nonetheless, in the April 1956 “Bad Companions” episode of The Goldbergs, one of television’s first family sitcoms, Uncle David brings home a new pool table as a “fabulous gift for the whole family.” But, it becomes an instant headache, since neither family nor friends can, or are allowed, to play. David recruits some “professors” from the local pool hall to teach him, unaware they are hustlers. As David’s house becomes ground zero for horse gambling and other nefarious activities, he is ultimately ensnared in a raid and decried by the judge as “the dupe of unsavory characters.” That might put your future pool table munificence in check.

One month later, the “Opportunity Knocks But” episode of The Honeymooners aired. Ralph Kramden’s boss receives a new pool table as an anniversary gift from his wife. Not knowing how to play, he invites Ralph (and ultimately Norton) to come over to teach the finer points of the game. While Ralph seizes on the invitation as an opportunity for endless sycophancy, Norton shoehorns his way into the game so he can pitch business ideas that ultimately lead to Norton getting selected over Kramden for a coveted job.   Now that is bad billiards mojo.

The Adventures of Ozzie and Harriet rounded out the year with the “Pool Table” episode. After Ozzie buys a pool table from the local department store, his playing plans are continually thwarted as he realizes he does not have a location for it. The pool table’s peregrination goes from the dining room to the kitchen to the garage to the outside yard and even to a neighbor’s house. Ultimately, Ozzie jerry-rigs a pulley system to haul the table up to the attic, but the table’s weight causes it to crash through the floor into the kids’ bedroom, rendering it largely useless for anyone taller than three feet.

Apparently the 1960s were consumed by other notable hobbies and activities, such as playing with GI Joes (1964) and Easy Bake Ovens (1963), watching the first Super Bowl (1966), or contorting to Twister (1966), as I could find no billiards gift-giving exemplars during the decade. 

1970s-1990s

But, by the 1970s, the billiards bestowal was back in cultural vogue, starting with the 1973 Sanford and Son episode “A House is Not a Poolroom,” which opens with Lamont getting his father Fred a pool table for his birthday. The present is so well-received that Lamont can neither get his father away from the table to attend to his family responsibilities, nor can he get any peace and privacy in the house, since his father’s gaggle of friends have now ‘moved in’ to use the table. Sadly, the magnetism of the table becomes such a problem that he must ultimately get rid of it.

Brady Bunch - The HustlerThe 1974 “The Hustler” episode of The Brady Bunch revealed Bobby Brady’s knack with a cue after his father brings home a pool table as a thank-you gift from his boss Mr. Matthews. Bobby trounces his brothers in 9-ball, thereby winning a month of free shoe-cleaning. But the real fun comes when Mr. Matthews visits the house and is subsequently thrashed by Bobby on the table, losing 256 packs of chewing gum in a wager. Unfortunately, for the squeaky-clean Brady clan, the home is no place for such games of sin, and the table is promptly returned.

After The Brady Bunch episode aired, a 30-year drought of billiards benevolence ensued. Pool hustling was all the rage in television and film, and nary a table appears to have been gifted.

2000s – present

That deficit was corrected in the mid-aughts, starting with Vince Vaughn and Jennifer Aniston swapping barbs and bile in the 2006 movie The Break-Up, with each partner trying to outmaneuver the other in a bid to keep their luxurious condo. In one seminal scene, Vaughn’s character declares, “My whole life I always wanted my own place with my own pool table. I finally got my own place, but you would not allow me to get my own pool table. I figured I’d rectify that today.” As expected, this self-gifting causes a maelstrom of subsequent damage, with Aniston’s character violently ejecting his possessions from the room.

Finally, there is the little-watched series Gary Unmarried. At the center of the 2008 episode, “Gary Gets His Stuff Back,” is a pool table, which Gary gave to his ex-wife Allison as a paper anniversary gift, and now he threatens to reveal racy photographs of her if she doesn’t return it to him. Though the table leads to blackmail and burglary, there is a silver lining, as both characters divulge that the true reason they want the table is because of all the good memories associated with it.

Maybe that’s the underlying lesson from almost 70 years of billiards largesse on the silver screen. Regardless of what agonies and horrors are associated with the gift, pool tables are the loci of wonderful experiences.  Movies and television are make-believe, but pool tables as great gifts are most definitely very real.

Design Your Own Billiards Room

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At least since 1953, when Pathé News produced the 75-second film “Billiard Balls,” there have been documentaries, and later reality series, detailing the manufacturing and production of all the key components of billiards.

The Cuemaker - Billiards DocumentaryIn recent years, Mysteries of the Museum discussed John Wesley Hyatt’s invention of the celluloid billiard ball in the episode “Lunar Fender Bender, Opera Angels and Billiard Balls”; cue sticks were featured in both the documentary The Cuemaker and the Genuine Article episode “Puzzles and Pool Cues”; multiple series have revealed how pool tables are made (e.g., Furniture to Go – “Pool Table”; Handcrafted America – “Woven Rugs, Sunglasses and Billiard Tables”;  Incredible Inventions – “The Bow, Ferrofluid, The Billiard Table”); there’s even a Pakistani video from Ever Wondered on the making of billiard cue tip chalk.

So, it’s hardly a surprise that with all the attention shined on billiards equipment, producers would turn their attention to the sport’s homemade arena: the game room (or the billiard room, as fans of Clue might call it). Two series currently streaming on Discovery+, Color Splash and Stone House Revival, assume all the billiards gear is present and functional; it’s the room you need to build and design to play the game!

Color Splash – “Game On!”

Color Splash is an American home improvement series that aired on HGTV for eight seasons, from 2007 through 2012. Hosted by the affable and ever-increasingly tattooed designer David Bromstad, Color Splash focuses on giving rooms unforgettable makeovers through the dramatic use of color.

In the July 2007 episode “Game On!,” Mr. Bromstad and his accomplice, color specialist and carpenter Danielle Hirsch, are tasked with transforming an uninspiring, outdated game room into modern “man’s room but also for the family.” The room already has a pool table and an upright Mario Bros. arcade game, but per the wife’s direction, it needs to not only be comfortable, but also “warm and inviting.” 

Mr. Bromstad’s thesis is that a man’s space is “ literally a sectional couch, refrigerator, a TV, a pool table – awesome… everything else is just fluff so we need to make sure it’s not too fluffy.” He then goes deep into picking masculine greens and reds, creating customized valances, and building shelves to organize the electronics.  

But, since the billiards table is still central to the room’s design, he also leaves them with a picture of an eightball that he painted for them. “Because [the owner] absolutely loves pool, I wanted to do something he really loves.” 

Stone House Revival – “1760 Classic Colonial Parlor”

If you own a historic house around Bucks County, Pennsylvania, then the man you want to see is Jeff Devlin and the series you might appear on is Stone House Revival. Hosted by Mr. Devlin, Stone House Revival follows Jeff and his team of restoration experts who work with homeowners to help revive dilapidated structures into modern living spaces while preserving their historic integrity. The series ran from 2015 to 2021 on the DIY Network.

In the May 2016 episode “1760 Classic Colonial Parlor,” Mr. Devlin focuses on a Colonial home in Ivyland, Pennsylvania that was initially built in 1760 and then had a farmhouse added to it in 1810.  Decrepit as it may be, the farmhouse has real entertainment potential. The homeowners wish to convert it into two unique, usable spaces: a parlor and a billiards room.

As we learn from the pop-up historical notes, “billiard tables were popular in colonial America, dating back to 1722.” Mr. Devlin then proceeds to “turn [this] unused space into a really fun, functional billiard room” by adding a one-of-a-kind custom light pendant atop the pool table, adding dentil crown molding around the ceiling as a “nod to the time period,” redoing the floor slats with random width pine to match the parlor room, and exposing the original stone of a cabinet’s interior.  Oh yeah, he also wall mounts a billiard cue rack. 

Unfortunately, the actual billiards table – an unidentified, black-felted wooden one – becomes a bit of an afterthought, assembled in the background and otherwise unaddressed.