People learn billiards for many reasons: recreational enjoyment, social connections, love of competition, skills development. For expert marksman and underground private eye Ryo Saeba, the protagonist of the anime series City Hunter, the answer is simple: to score some ass.
Sure, in the 1988 episode “Mokkori Is the Best Medicine: A Pool Shot to a Pretty Hustler’s Heart” there’s the nobler underlying cause of helping Yuri protect her family’s pool bar, The Stardust, from being taken over by the gangster Ginji. But deep down, for Ryo, whose mind bugs out and eyes bulge out around beautiful women, it’s always about one thing: Mokkori!
Mokkori is a Japanese phrase akin to the English cartoonish noise “Boi-oing!” to describe an erection. For horndog Ryo, it can refer to boobs, butt, legs; if you can ogle it, it’s Mokkori time. Some crime fighters (Batman) are led by their vow for justice, others (Superman) by their moral compass. Ryo is led by the cue stick in his pants.
Even skeevier, it’s not just the case of a Peeping Ryo; this guy can’t help acting on his lecherous libido. He literally engineers situations where he can attempt to grope women, peer under their dresses, or stare at their cleavage.
If this all sounds a little WTFish, consider that City Hunter is no niche softcore, fly-by-night brainchild of some horny pervert who watched too much late-night Skinemax. To the contrary, City Hunter is the brainchild of writer and illustrator Tsukasa Hojo, who first introduced the famous Japanese detective in a manga magazine in 1985. The magazine has since sold more than 50 million copies, appealing to both men and women.
It also spawned the anime series that ran from 1987-1991, around the same time that Baywatch was globally swiveling heads and turning the wearers of red bathing suits into international eye candy as part of a cultural zeitgeist.
In fact, the CIty Hunter series was so popular that it was subsequently adapted in 1993 into a Hong Kong thriller with Jackie Chan, then remade into a 2018 French film, and just this year, released on Netflix as a Japanese action film.
All of which is to say analyzing the premise and popularity of City Hunter may leave the uninitiated scratching their heads. I’ve read online that it’s precisely because Ryo’s objectifying antics always fail, and he is further punished by his partner Kari, who clobbers him with her famous 100-ton hammer, that his appeal has endured. He operates in the world of over-the-top harmlessness.
Consider the “Mokkori Is the Best Medicine” episode, which opens with a booby-trapped billiards table maiming the Stardust Pool Bar owner after he attempts to make a difficult bank shot. Ryo initially refuses to take the case, claiming that pool halls lack “girls in high cut bathing suits” (perhaps confusing pool with a swimming pool), but quickly pivots when his partner convinces him some women will be topless by the pool.
While there are no topless women present, Ryo goes gaga when he spies the owner’s daughter Yuri, who is the “ultimate Mokkori hustler babe.” He accepts the case under the condition Yuri will teach him billiards, which is Ryu’s way of sneaking peeks while she demonstrates breaks, masse, and other assorted shots. Fortunately, Yuri is no tenderfoot, and she quickly neuters Ryo’s carnal instincts with some well placed cue jabs and ricochet shots.
Once Ryu’s game is officially rebuffed, “Mokkori Is the Best Medicine” turns into a more traditional billiards episode of the unassuming woman competing against the evil gangster to save her pool hall and her family’s reputation. Think of this as the anime version of Second Chance or Wandering Ginza Butterfly.
After the gangster’s scare tactics fail to intimidate Yuri into giving up the bar, he challenges her to a 20-rack match of 8-ball. Unbeknownst to Yuri, the table is electromagnetically rigged, which allows for the cue ball’s speed and direction to be remotely controlled by the gangster’s lackey. But, such cheating is no match for Ryo’s watchful eye, deductive prowess, and fists of fury. And, in a real twist ending, he not only foils the gangster’s plan, but motivates Yuri to make the high-pressure winning shot by squeezing her ass and promising her some post-match Mokkori.
I couldn’t make this up if I tried.
“Mokkori Is the Best Medicine” is available to rent on CrunchyRoll.
Yet, somehow within this swamp of scams, scant attention has been given to a trend that I first highlighted in 2017, and again two years ago: the #FakeBilliardsMovie scam. It wears many guises, but beneath its mask of misinformation, the FakeBilliardsMovie is a cultural con artist, a cinematic charlatan, a billiards bilker.
Look at this latest set of 15 visual sirens, but hold onto the rail and don’t get lured. Join the crusade and help me banish these bunco artists of the baize. (All summaries are courtesy of IMDB.)
15. Land of Fear (original title: Ardh el-Khof)
For a fleeting moment, I felt like Howard Carter must have in 1922 when he discovered King Tut’s tomb. After years of searching, I had stumbled across Ardh el-Khof, the first Egyptian billiards movie known to man (or, at least, to me). But, this unearthing proved a hoax. Beneath the billiards artifice, this 1999 film is about a police officer who is assigned to a secret mission as an undercover drug dealer and slowly loses his identity. So, it’s not only a sham, but a ripoff of the exceptional Deep Cover. #FakeBilliardsMovie
14. On Time
No doubt, Lilly Rikhter is multi-talented. Award-winning actress. Model. DJ. Thai boxer and powerlifter. Fitness bikini champion. But, even with all those accomplishments under her belt, and – let’s call it what it is – her assets on display, that’s not enough to give On Time a second look, especially when it shamelessly snookers you into thinking it’s a billiards film. On the contrary, this 2023 Spanish short film is about a woman framed for murder and her attempt to distance herself from the crime. #FakeBilliardsMovie
13. Bitterroot
In southwestern Montana, between the Bitterroot Range and Sapphire Mountains, lies the Bitterroot Valley. This area is not only the primary shooting location for the TV series Yellowstone, but also ground zero for the eponymous Western Noir short film, currently in post-production. Bitterroot looks like it’s where time forgot to pass. Somewhere between that wagon wheel and the pool table a billiards movie awaits with a slow drawl and a mean draw…except apparently not. Rather, this film is about some local townsfolk who are split over how to handle the disappearance of a greedy businessman. #FakeBilliardsMovie
12. Cue Ball (original title: Pitok)
The blood-stained cue stick separating the cue ball from the other balls had me crossing fingers that the 2022 Iranian movie Cue Ball was some kind of Agatha Christie / Walter Tevis cinematic stepchild. The enigmatic characters seem unruffled by whatever horror transpired on this table. But, more likely, the billiards is a red herring. The movie, about a young man named Ala who carries a big wound from his past, appears to have nothing to do with billiards. The only “break” you’ll hear in this film is from characters “breaking” away from family traditions and overbearing relatives. #FakeBilliardsMovie
11. Frigid Fantasies (original title: La Frígida y La Viciosa)
Almost 50 years before 50 Shades of Grey had Anastasia Steele playing naughty S&M games with Christian Grey, Spanish director Carlos Aured was making his own risque, softcore movie filled with sexual games and experiments. Aured’s film is about an attractive woman who introduces a married couple to a new sexual life. Hard to imagine what kind of game entails shooting billiards balls at the nether regions of a woman tied supine to a table, but I’m pretty confident it’s not one of standard billiards variants. #FakeBilliardsMovie
10. Naanum Rowdy Dhaan
The marketers of Naanum Rowdy Dhaan apparently couldn’t limit their lies to one poster; they doubled-down on their duplicities, spreading their half-truths across two posters. This 2015 Indian Tamil-language romantic action comedy film couldn’t give two billiards balls about the sport, contrary to the posturing of the film’s stars Vijay Sethupathi and Nayanthara. Oddly-held cue sticks notwithstanding, the movie is about the son of a police inspector, who becomes involved in illegal activities and falls in love with a deaf woman on a quest to get revenge against a ruthless gangster. #FakeBilliardsMovie
9. Juke Joint
Between 1915 and the early 1950s, more than 500 “race films” were created and produced outside the Hollywood system for black audiences and featured black casts. Juke Joint is a 1947 Bert Goldberg race film. Like most of those 500+ films, this one was assumed lost. The good news is a print was found in a warehouse in 1983; the bad news is that its unearthing was accompanied by such a misleading lobby card. Never mind that the pictured table seems to be missing quite a few colored balls. The greater outrage is that the movie is not about billiards; it’s about a con artist and his dim-witted sidekick who hustle their way into a boarding house where they are entrusted to give “poise lessons” to an aspiring beauty queen named Honey Dew. #FakeBilliardsMovie
8. Deux Soeurs
French Polynesia is known for its stunning beaches and resorts, not its film output. Its island Tahiti has been the location for many films (e.g., Point Break, Soul Surfer, Mutiny on the Bounty), but the country of origin for a film? Not too often. That’s why I was initially giddy to discover Deux Souers, a French Polynesia short film released in 2022. The poster suggests mystery, secrets, control, and of course, billiards. After all, the billiards table literally foregrounds the entire picture! Yet, the poster ultimately delivers only disappointment, as in, “I’m super disappointed that this movie, which has a character recounting her sister’s story, from her rebirth as a woman to the assault that will lead to her death, has absolutely zero to do with billiards.” #FakeBilliardsMovie
7. Iya Aimodi
Eight thousand miles away from Hollywood a completely different, vibrant film industry exists within Nigeria. It’s called Nollywood, and it releases more than 2500 films per year. In 2023, one of those films was Iya Aimodi, and from the looks of the poster, it was about a whole different type of action happening on the billiards table. Whether the nookie is real, the billiards is not, unfortunately. This Yoruban movie is about a woman who infiltrates the marriage of a young couple by posing as a maid so she can claim vengeance and justice for past wrongs. Yeah, that’s precisely what jumps out at me from this poster!?! #FakeBilliardsMovie
6. The Split
After filming the spectacular The Dirty Dozen in 1967, Jim Brown, Donald Sutherland, and Ernest Borgnine reunited one year later, along with Warren Oates, Jack Klugman, Julie Harris, and Gene Hackman, to film The Split. Based on a half-million dollar heist that goes sideways when the money disappears and the crew start blaming one another, the movie sounds fantastic…so why did the marketers need to taint it with this ridiculous lobby card? I’m not sure which is the greater crime: the stolen $500,000 or Jim Brown’s risible bridge. And for an extra 100 C-notes, please explain why there appear to be two 14-balls on the table.#FakeBilliardsMovie
5. Squadra Antiscippo
If I were to update my blog post, “Top 10 Billiards Brawls,” I might need to swap in Squadra Antiscippo, a 1976 Italian police drama, that appears to provide a healthy dose of pool pandemonium. Does that guy in the blue jeans really have a cue ball in his mouth? But, bedlam aside, this is not a billiards movie; it’s a film about an undercover cop who finds and arrests a series of purse snatchers until he discovers an American at the top of an evil ring of thieves. #FakeBilliardsMovie
4. Age of Love (original title: Возраст любви)
Lasting only four episodes, this 2016 Russian melodrama TV series focused on Igor and Olga, two unremarkable and unrelated individuals who have a chance encounter in a sanatorium, where each of them wanted to find peace from the bustle of everyday reality. Here, they awaken to a new world of happiness and unknown feelings, which seems to include a meet-cute where the man stereotypically shows the woman how to aim a shot in a game of Russian pyramid. I hope she becomes as good as Anastasia Luppova; otherwise I’m decrying this Russian ruse. #FakeBilliardsMovie
3. Yoon Yool-Ah’s Three Cushion
We’re knee-deep into global examples of movie marketers misleading audiences with their underhanded usage of billiards imagery. The panache of pool can beguile the best of us into watching anything: cheesy rom-coms, melodramatic morality tales, cop stories, Westerns, comic book capers, you name it. But, I think the 2019 South Korean film Yoon Yool-Ah’s Three Cushion takes the prize. Yep, it’s a Korean porno. So, the next time someone says, “Sex sells,” remember: “Billiards sells, too.” #FakeBilliardsMovie
2. Hermosa Justicia
I don’t want to overreact to the poster of the 2023 Costa Rican film Hermosa Justicia. After all, this is the country of pura vida. Besides, billiards and leather-clad superheroines sounds like a great combination shot. But, this story of two costumed women uniting to take down the villainous Dr. Olman, who has recently escaped from prison, has as much to do with billiards as Catwoman had to do with good movie-making. It’s cinematic capriccio, a case of disguised identity, just like our two masked crusaders. #FakeBilliardsMovie
1. Bones | Big Bang Theory
Here’s my rule: if you’re going to market a TV show with billiards, feature the sport in at least one episode. Maybe I can cut Bones some slack. The Fox series aired in 2005-2006 and only had 22 episodes. At least one scene featured FBI Agent Seeley Booth burning the midnight oil in a pool hall. But, there’s no forgiving The Big Bang Theory, that primetime juggernaut with 279 episodes and average viewership often north of 15 million. If a short film can be made about Isaac Asimov’s sci-fi story “The Billiard Ball,” and multiple TV shows can discuss the physics of pool, then surely Sheldon Cooper can pick up a cue stick just once and give the game a quantum physics makeover. #FakeBilliardsMovie
So, where do we go from here? Call the FTC to report false advertising? Reach out to Scambusters? I’ve read naked potholing can be an effective protest strategy (at least in Saskatchewan). I’m admittedly a bit dejected from trying to denounce this dupery for the past seven years, but I have another idea: grab some popcorn and check out any of the 300+ legitimate billiards movies, TV shows, short films and web episodes!
An argument can be made that 2023 was a great year for film.
The industry rebounded from the pandemic with domestic box office ticket sales surpassing $9 billion. A slew of A-list directors – Scorsese, Miyazaki, Mann, Fincher, (Ridley) Scott, Linklater, Gerwig – released new movies. And, of course, there was the Barbenheimer phenomenon, which not only suggested audiences can tolerate more than MCU blockbusters, but also that cinematic portmanteaus are going to be the new normal.
It was certainly a better-than-average year for billiards short films, with five notable entries from around the world releasing in 2023. While they’re not on the level of the genre’s more recent standard-bearers, such as Petrichor, 8, or Inglorious Billiards, they comprise an enjoyable 41 minutes of billiards film watching.
The Ballad of Rich and Champ
If Robert Rodriguez (Sin City; From Dusk till Dawn) was back in film school, he might have made a movie like The Ballad of Rich and Champ. Written and directed by Caleb Voyles, who completed his Film Production Master’s programs at Florida State University and FullSail University in 2022, Ballad is a homage to 1970s American Cinema, and perhaps, to Mr. Rodriguez, who had too much fun reminding audiences of 70s grindhouse films with his 2007 tribute Planet Terror.
In Ballad, Voyles plays loosely with saturated colors, wardrobes, funky music, a fake trailer (Pieta: A Meditation on Suffering), and plenty of cinema techniques that defined the low-budget, drive-in b-movie blessings that have resurfaced in popularity today thanks to Rodriguez and especially Quentin Tarantino.
The plot is generic, but that’s nothing new. A pair of hustlers – Rich and Champ – have a regular night at the billiards table turn deadly when an opponent makes clear this will be Champ’s last game. There’s a moderate amount of billiards playing – nothing memorable – but the film style and original soundtrack keep you smiling. The full billiards short film is available to watch here.
The Caligo Cuckoo
The Caligo Cuckoo may be missing Rod Serling’s famous opener, but there’s no mistaking the film’s deep admiration of The Twilight Zone. Director Kai Patterson shared, “I loved how each story [of The Twilight Zone would transport you to another dimension with endless possibilities, usually with some kind of sinister twist in the end. They felt like old ghost stories you’d tell your friends around a campfire, cautionary tales of sorts. The show made a huge impact on me at a very young age and I wanted to create a film that gave me the same feeling today.”
Patterson’s paean seemingly extends beyond The Twilight Zone to the famous 1961 episode “A Game of Pool,” in which Jack Klugman and Jonathan Winters played a game of billiards with life-altering consequences. While definitely not a remake (we’ll leave that to the 1985“A Game of Pool” episode of the revised Twilight Zone), Cuckoo also pits two players against one another in the middle of the night in which “a quick game of pool can change your life.”
Cuckoo is a well-crafted film. Only 15 minutes long, Patterson maximizes every minute to create mood and tension, as well as build to the climactic reveal. To capture all the nuance, it deserves more than one watch, and will probably have you thinking twice about the concept of “stepping into another man’s shoes.” The full billiards short film is available to watch here.
Smoking Dolphins
While the entirety of Smoking Dolphins is shot around a snooker table inside a rundown social club, the film has nothing to do with billiards. Nor is it about smoking dolphins, though most of the film is a buildup to the incredulous story of a pair of dolphins who are able to – almost – sneak a smoke in the midst of ignorant onlookers. It’s a preposterous tale, made all the more absurd by the ratatat storytelling from the film’s two oddball protagonists, who only reveal their ulterior motives at the end.
As director Sean Lyons shares, Smoking Dolphins honors “the eccentric locals who, more often than not, chose to spend their time regaling customers with the same old stories, most of which were either embellished to the nth degree or completely fabricated.
”But, it’s also a sharp-barbed satire of Brexit and, in particular, Prime Minister Boris Johnson, who Lyons criticizes for his daily lies and scandals. Lyons channeled his frustration in making the film. “I saw the parallels of the bullshit spewed by characters in the script and by those leading the country. A lot of advice you hear is to make a film about something you care about deeply…Seeing those parallels opened a door…to make a film and a subject I feel strongly about.” The full billiards short film is available to watch here.
Spiel Des Lebens (Game of Life)
Not all the 2023 billiards short films were good. German director Marcel Flock’s Spiel Des Lebens (Game of Life) is an apocalyptic bomb. The year is 2036. To relieve overcrowded prisons, convicts must face off against the guards in Ball 13 (Future Billiards) life-or-death matches.
I’m a sucker for dystopian films, but like Hard Knuckleand The Day Lufberry Won It All, this one is painful to watch. Nobody – not the inmates, not the guards – knows how to shoot billiards! If someone used that over-the-middle-knuckle bridge against me, I’d probably want them eliminated, too.
Granted, this is a “proof of concept” (as opposed to a complete short film), so it naturally feels a little disjointed. But, if it is intended to be a composition of scenes that best represent the concept, story, tone and themes of a potential feature film, the future looks pretty grim. You can watch the proof of concept here.
Tamatsuki’s Dream
At 60 minutes, the Japanese movie Tamatsuki’s Dream, directed by Keita Taguchi, sits in the cinematic purgatory between short and feature-length films, depending on whose chronometric definition is used. I was feeling generous. I was unable to find this movie to watch, but was highly intrigued by both the film’s poster and its description: “Set in Japan during World War II, Kishino lives in Kumano’s mansion as a concubine, a landowner and munitions factory owner. Upon hearing that her younger brother has been killed in battle, she attempts to commit suicide with her lover. However, just as she is about to commit suicide, she meets a man named Asajiro, who resembles her younger brother. Asajiro, who suffers from tuberculosis, is exempt from military service and lives a secluded life. He runs a billiards parlor that he started with his wife, who also died of tuberculosis, and is under police scrutiny for disrupting public morals, but he still has a dream of becoming the world billiards champion.”
A trailer for the billiards short film is available to watch here. If you can help locate this film to watch, please contact me directly.
In the moving industry, a swamper is slang for an unskilled laborer who assists in the loading and unloading of packed furniture, boxes, and other objects. Jay Thurlow, the protagonist of Philip Neumann’s 2021 Canadian movie Swamper, is a swamper, and it’s not pretty.
For every occasional generous gratuity he receives, he must also clean out the fecal matter left in the truck by homeless people; double-check his employer which tries to short-change him on his hourly pay; haul sofas up treacherous cliffs; accept verbal abuse from clients; and turn a blind eye to a murderous, ill-tempered partner.
And that’s just the tip of the cue stick when it comes to Jay’s bad luck and difficult life.
He must also deal with a dying mother, an unemployed alcoholic father, a violent landlord, and a demanding girlfriend. He gets fired, dumped, conned, beaten, and repeatedly threatened. On the positive, someone offers to purchase his eyeball for $20,000.
On top of, or perhaps as a result of, these woes and vices, Jay also has a billiards gambling problem. He’s a pool shark, who easily rattles; a hustler who can’t finish the hustle; a talent who can’t get out of his own way. He’s metaphorically running the table and still scratching on the 8-ball.
Apparently, being an indigenous teen from a broken family is hard, which seems to be core to the movie’s muddled message. But, within this miasma, there is optimism. Brandon Moon, who plays Jay, injects his character with an innocent and heartfelt pertinacity. He is repeatedly knocked down, but never knocked out.
This persistence is central to Jay’s pool game. Whether it’s 8-ball or 9-ball, one pocket against Manitoba Fats or straight pool (“Who the fuck plays straight pool anymore?”) against Ronnie the Rooster, billiards is Jay’s lifeline to a possibly better world.
We root for Jay, even if it’s just to get a momentary respite from his hapless existence. But, oddly, Swamper does not reward the audience, which is one of the film’s fundamental problems. The character arcs are horizontal lines with narratives that fade, rather than conclude. Enjoyable scenes are intermittently scattered throughout an otherwise unsatisfying and exhausting viewing experience.
As for the pool, there are some clear nods to The Hustler and The Color of Money, from the black-and-white filming to the fanboy obsession with specific cue sticks, such as a Kevin DeRoo versus a vintage Meucci, to the aforementioned fat man opponent. The pool-playing is authentic, but it lacks dramatic tension, especially during the culminating $10,000 8-Ball Tournament, which unfortunately makes Swamper a far cry from the genre’s giants it so obviously idolizes.
Sadly, Swamper does have one thing in common with its billiard film predecessors. Just as The Hustler filmed at Ames Pool Hall (which closed five years after the film in 1966), and The Color of Money filmed at St. Paul’s Billiards (now closed), Swamper filmed at Guys & Dolls Billiards in Vancouver…and which is also now closed.
Swamper is not currently available to watch online. A huge thank you to Alex Quinn, actor and producer of Swamper, for sharing a private copy of the film with me to watch.
When Heinrich Schliemann discovered Troy in the 1870s, observers were disappointed that the archaeological site’s grandeur did not align with its portrayal in Homer’s Iliad. When Howard Carter discovered King Tut’s tomb in 1922, many were initially underwhelmed by its small size, and later, by its absence of secret chambers.
Sometimes, reality falls well short of expectation.
That’s certainly the truth behind the recent discovery of The Player, a billiards movie released in November 1971 and considered forever lost. For more than 50 years, billiards enthusiasts have talked about the legendary film, starring Minnesota Fats as “the greatest pool hustler in the greatest pool movie.” The film was the El Dorado of the billiards film genre, often discussed but rarely, if ever, seen, except by a select few who may have viewed it during the one week it played at one of a handful of Ogden-Perry Theatres half a century ago.
Like so many others, I had devoted considerable time to tracking down the film. I even discovered a two-minute trailer. It was like staring at a blurred photo of a head emerging from Loch Ness – proof of an existence just beyond grasp, or maybe a hoax about a film that was never finished. But, ultimately, all my sleuthing proved fruitless, all my leads were dead-ends, and I discontinued the search about 10 years ago. It was the opinion of this billiards film historian that The Player was gone for good.
That denouement – that acceptance of truth – was detonated two months ago when the folks at FT Depot, a film restoration community, dropped a billiards bomb by unexpectedly releasing the complete version of The Player, available here.
The story of that release, which is discussed in detail on the YouTube site, is infinitely more engaging and entertaining than the actual movie. An abandoned print, a delinquent drive-in operator, a storage room filled with rain puddles, Vinegar Syndrome, physical distortion – it’s a cinematic billiards miracle, a feat almost as incredible as Willie Mosconi’s 526-ball run or Efren Reyes’ history-making Z-shot at the 1995 Sands Regency 9-Ball Open.
As for The Player, it’s hard to overstate the awfulness of this film.
Created as a decade-late response to The Hustler, which starred Jackie Gleason as the fictional, corpulent pool shark Minnesota Fats, Thomas DeMartini’s The Player featured the real Minnesota Fats (aka Rudolf Wanderone) in his film debut. Though Fats was central to the film’s marketing, he only appears in three scenes, all of which basically consist of him, playing himself, sauntering around the table, knocking in balls and making dazzling trick shots.
The rest of the movie focuses on a respected pool player Lou Marchesi, whose life begins to crumble through his association with Sylvia, a beautiful and sophisticated woman who refuses to understand or accept his way of life.
The movie largely ping pongs between uninterrupted matches of 9-ball, 14.1, and one-pocket, primarily filmed at the former Shopper’s Pool Room in Baton Rouge, Louisiana, and cringe worthy scenes between Lou and Sylvia. The characters are wooden, the script is soporific, the drama is turgid, the pacing is terrible, the filming is poor, and there are almost two relentless hours of reusing the same musical riffs, with the sole exception being the inclusion of Shorty Rogers’ jazzy tune, “The Player.”
Fats is, by far, the most entertaining aspect of the movie, which says something given his limited screen time and lack of acting. (He does have one of the film’s best lines, when he expresses concern to Lou about his overbearing girlfriend and deadpans, “you better dust this tomato off.”)
Throughout the 1960s, producers had allegedly approached Fats about making another great pool movie to follow on the success of The Hustler. He turned down many scripts until he found one that was perfect and realistic with The Player.
I’m pretty sure that story is bogus, but like so much with Fats, who is famous for claiming that Jackie Gleason’s character (created by Walter Tevis) was modeled after him, sometimes the fiction is more entertaining than the facts.
That’s also the story of The Player, a film whose mythology has proven to be far more interesting than its actual content. As appreciative as I am to the technical wizards at FT Depot, I can’t help but wonder if this film was better left in that storage room, shrouded in mystique and deserving not to see another day.
It’s his game. | Brought him fame. | And his name is ‘The Hurricane’.
– Georgie Fame, “The Hurricane” (1982)
The musicians’ names may not be familiar. Georgie Fame is an English R&B and jazz musician, who played with Van Morrison and had three number one hits in the UK. Paul Norton is Australian singer-songwriter and guitarist who fronted the short-lived pop rock band The Runners.
But, if their names don’t resonate, their subject surely does – The Hurricane, aka Alex Higgins, aka one of the most beloved, controversial, iconic, and influential figures in snooker history. His rocket-fast, daring style of play was as legendary as his unpredictable, bad boy persona.
Historians describe with awe and zeal his history-making World Snooker Championship win in 1972 against John Spencer, forever changing the face and trajectory of snooker, or his come-from-behind match ten years later in the World Snooker semis against Jimmy White. Yet, his biography is equally riddled with stories of excess, such as head-butting tournament director Paul Hatherell or forever indulging in his “three vices – drinking, gambling, and women.”
In a sport that has had its fair share of staid, colorless personalities, the Hurricane, who died in 2010, was “an accident waiting to happen,” “a breath of fresh air,” and, for many years, “box office gold.”
Since Higgins first won the championship at age 22, there have been at least seven efforts to tell his story on the screen. I found four of the seven films, and as expected, they vary in their tone and structure, based on their time of release. (Note: the other three films are officially WANTED; please let me know if you can help me to locate them.)
Hurricane Higgins (1972) – WANTED
Until Higgins arrived from Belfast in 1972, snooker largely lacked panache or personality. Clive Everton once described it as, “a folk sport…a lot of people played, but the professional game was virtually dead.” The reigning champion was John Spencer, who had already won the World Championship in 1969 and 1971. Into this largely off-limits prim and proper world entered Higgins, who turned it upside-down by defeating Spencer 37-31.
The Hurricane Higgins 27-minute TV documentary came out on the heels of that victory. In the book Alex Higgins: Snooker Legend: Eye of the Hurricane, author J. Hennessey suggests the filmmakers wanted to portray snooker as a “game on the dole,” with Higgins as its resurrectionist. He quotes Higgins, “They deliberately set out to show the seedy side of snooker. They filmed at this club where there was green mold running down the walls. When they saw it, they said, ‘Great – just what we want.’”
Hurricane’s Wake (1988) – WANTED
Other than a brief BBC Two listing, I can find no information about Robin Anderson’s 17-minute documentary about a “budding snooker player [who] shows his form.”
Alex Higgins: I’m No Angel (1991)
After losing his first-round match to Steve James in the 1990 World Snooker Championship, Higgins got utterly sauced, and then announced his retirement at a press conference, but not before punching tournament official Colin Randle in the abdomen. The day’s debacle led to a 15-month ban from the sport.
During that hiatus, Higgins authorized the 90-minute documentary Alex Higgins: I’m No Angel, created by Joe and Oliver Cox. It was Higgins’ attempt to claim his narrative, though the Cox brothers did a great job of ensuring the documentary was not adulatory toward its subject. Opening with the aforementioned Paul Norton song, the film includes multiple quotes from fellow hellraiser actor Oliver Reed, as well as interviews with promoter Barry Hearn (“he was major box office on the table, but unmanageable off the table”) and his ex-wife Lynn Higgins, who “knew [her] problems were going to start” (after Higgins won his second World Championship in 1982 against Ray Reardon).
The film also highlights other historical highs and lows in the Higgins timeline, including his incredible 16-15 comeback against Steve Davis in the 1983 UK Championship; his “I will have you shot…I will blow your head off” threat against fellow Irish snooker star Dennis Taylor at the British Car Rental World Cup; and his “big penalty for a night out with the lads” when he fell 25 feet out a window. The film ends with Higgins’ promise to return to the sport in August 1991.
Alex Higgins: Rebel Without a Pause (1997)
Higgins did return to the sport, reaching the televised rounds of the 1994 World Snooker Championship, as well as making a 137 the following year, but his best days were long behind him. Alex Higgins: Rebel Without a Pause is primarily a 35-minute homecoming interview Higgins gave to Jackie Fullerton for BBC One Northern Ireland when he returned to Belfast for a nine-frame Sunday World exhibition match against Ken Doherty.
The documentary toggles between the Doherty match and clips from Higgins’ life, including the 1982 Championship against Reardon. Higgins is polite, soft-spoken, but obviously still bitter about the trajectory his career took following his ban from the sport. In one of the film’s more revealing moments, Higgins seethes, “Eight of ten people I’ve met are untrustworthy, thieves, felonious, pieces of shit.”
Like a Hurricane: The Alex Higgins Story(2001)
This hour-long 2001 documentary retells the story of I’m No Angel with a more robust cast of characters and without Higgins’ expressed permission. The film’s opening line makes clear its agenda: “Alex was an accident waiting to happen.” From there, Like a Hurricane brings us back to 1972, when the “urchin from Belfast” upended the establishment, “propelling snooker into the modern world and out of its dark excessive doldrums.”
Higgins the troublemaker was also Higgins the rainmaker; the more chaos he created, the greater the crowds grew. “Alex Higgins brought people into snooker who never had an interest in the sport – it elevated snooker from a backstreet sport into television entertainment.” His meteoric ascent was also intertwined with the rising popularity of Pot Black, the televised snooker tournament show that found its footing when BBC2 began broadcasting in color. By 1980, every match of World Championship Snooker aired on TV for 17 straight days.
Like a Hurricane also digs into his rivalry with Steve Davis, who represented the new face and controlled style of snooker; essentially, “everything Alex was not.” Barry Hearn, who created a stable of corporate, clean players (the Matchroom Team), but did not invite the volatile Higgins to join, commented, “It used to kill Alex inside when he lost to Steve Davis…Davis was the machine, Higgins was the heart” of snooker.
Finally, the documentary probes deeper into Higgins’ troubled relationships with women. His marriage and divorce to Lynn is well-discussed, with the narrator sharing, “Away from drinks, [Alex] was such a nice person, but when he drank, he was terrible. It drove away his wife. And when his marriage was floundering, so was his snooker.” The documentary also digs into his subsequent relationship with Siobhan Kidd, 13 years his junior, who attempted suicide and left years later after signs of battery, and Holly Haise, a 26-year-old escort, who stabbed him three times.
Alex Higgins: Blood, Sweat & Tears (2005) – WANTED
Four years later, RTÉ, Ireland’s national public service media, released a True Live documentary on Higgins called Blood, Sweat & Tears. Though I’ve been unable to watch it, the show seems largely memorable for providing a rare interview with Higgins’ daughter, Lauren, who was one of the most famous babies in the world when Higgins insisted on having her in his arms to celebrate regaining his world snooker title in 1982.
Alex Higgins: The People’s Champion(2010)
Rounding out the cinematic septet is Alex Higgins: The People’s Champion, the 2010 BBC documentary that posthumously retells Higgins’ life story about two months after he died. No longer the ‘accident waiting to happen,’ the opening lines are more hagiographic. The narrator James Hesbitt refers to Higgins as “almost a god,” and Ronnie O’Sullivan, a self-described disciple of Higgins, calls him “ahead of his time.” It is no wonder that the “No Angel” and “Rebel” appellations of previous documentary titles have been replaced with the more endearing “People’s Champion.”
Much of the film obviously echoes the earlier documentaries; after all, there’s no telling the Higgins story without discussing the Championship match against Spencer (1972), the semi against White (1982), the Championship match against Reardon (1982), the UK Championship match against Davis (1983), the headbutt of Hatherell (1986), and the death threat against Taylor (1990).
But, interlaced throughout the footage, players give their respect, citing Higgins’ influence on the sport, the industry, and their individual game. Davis, Reardon, White, O’Sullivan, Taylor, Stephen Hendry – they’re all here with stories and platitudes.
The documentary is perhaps most interesting in its assessment of Higgins’ final years, starting with his diagnosis of throat cancer in 1998. His daughter Lauren reminds us that Higgins said, “Cancer hasn’t got a chance. It doesn’t have a snooker cue.” And sure enough, he did beat the cancer, though he couldn’t truly recover, eventually deteriorating through a combination of respiratory problems, malnourishment, and financial distress caused by a long-term gambling addiction.
The final scene is the Belfast funeral procession, attended by a slew of snooker celebrities and seemingly most of Belfast’s 350,000-person population. As his sister says, “He was the people’s champion, and the people were letting them know on that particular day what they thought of him.”
Last Thursday, the news broke on British media outlets that a new movie on snooker superstar Jimmy White is forthcoming. The details were scant, though the story revealed that actor Ray Winstone is confirmed to play the Whirlwind’s manager, presumably Harvey Lisberg.
While the hard-partying, hellraiser has been the subject of multiple documentaries (e.g., Jimmy White: Close to the Wind; Jimmy White: The One and Only) and has even appeared in a couple of billiards movies (i.e., Legend of the Dragon; Perfect Break), this unnamed film would be the first biopic featuring him.
Mr. White’s wild life, combined with the cinematic horsepower of Mr. Winstone, sounds too good to be true. But, the real question is whether the film will ever get made?
Arguably, there was similar excitement on this side of the ocean five years ago when Varietyannounced that the Lagralane Group and United Film House had secured rights to the manuscript detailing the life of billiard champion Cisero Murphy. But, there’s been nary a peep since that release.
As we wait for updates on the White and Murphy movies, it’s worth taking inventory of other up-and-coming billiards films. The films listed below are all currently in some amorphous state of production, whatever that means in practice. Some may never get made, such as the once ballyhooed Ride the 9; others may one day make the leap from green baize to silver screen. We can only hope.
After interviewing director Leif Johnson almost a year ago about his forthcoming English billiards dramedy Mr Doom, I’ve been waiting for signs this film would make it to the big screen. Good news! Next week, it’s showing at the Northampton Film House as part of their film festival. The movie “follows the exploits of two men: one a professional hustler and the other a professional f**k-up. Both living on the fringes of society, day to day, bar to bar, hustle to hustle. Godlike with a pool cue in their hands but a total disaster in every other area of their lives. We follow this unlikely pair on a dangerous path of self-destruction, in a world of their own design, with the hope of making easy money.” My full interview with Mr. Johnson is available here.
8-Ball: A Pool Hall Western
A few years ago, I caught up with Brett Dameron and Kathleen Burke, the founders of BearWolf Creations, and the writers of the screenplay 8-Ball: A Pool Hall Western, which was a semi-finalist for the 2021 Academy Awards Nicholl Fellowship. They shared that their post-apocalyptic movie subverts the Western genre by putting all the components in a pool hall and having people live in tribal societies which are ruled by the best pool players. The film’s major event is a do-or-die three-day long pool tournament. I shared with them that it sounds like the Australian billiards movie Hard Knuckle, though hopefully much (much) better. Now they just need to raise “five to 10 million dollars” and cast a big star, like “Chris Evans or Jason Mamoa.”
Life Behind the Eight Ball
Drew Jordan and Nick Davaine approached their documentary by asking “what is pool?” to amateur and professional billiards players. Their goal was to discover a different side of pool and grow the sport’s community, rather than let the persona of the “grimy pool hustler” dictate the game’s image. Among the players promised to appear in Life Behind the Eight Ball are Danny Smith, Ronnie Wiseman, and Robb Saez. The producers created this teaser video, and then launched a campaign on Indiegogo that unfortunately didn’t generate much outside funds. While this film may be in permanent pool purgatory, Mr. Davaine shared with me via email (in 2020) that he does eventually expect filming to resume.
Girls Can’t Play Pool
With its provocative yo-bro title, Girls Can’t Play Pool promises to run headfirst into some familiar billiards stereotypes. Unfortunately, little is known about the film, other than its logline, “Two female pool hustlers team up to win more money than either could alone – but their growing friendship is tested when the lure of easy money is eclipsed by the dangers of the road.” Jonathan Teplitsky, the Australian director behind Churchill (2017) and The Railway Man (2013), appears to be the movie’s director, but as of now, he seems more focused on making a sequel to his 2023 crime comedy Gettin’ Square.
Extraction, USA
According to IMDB, Extraction USA is in post-production, having already shown at a few festivals and snagged some awards. So, fingers crossed that we’ll soon get to watch Mike Yonts’ movie about two women, a single mom bartender (Marni) and a drifter (Steph), who hatch schemes to hustle the town’s elite in billiards. But when the women uncover a drug ring with the potential for a much bigger score, they believe it presents a path to escape the town of Extraction. Learn more on the film’s website and check out the film’s trailer.
Sapphire
Another newsbreak – this one in February, 2021. Barry Keoghan – aka The Riddler (The Batman) aka Oliver Quick (Saltburn) aka Dominic Kearney (his Oscar-nominated role from The Banshees of Inisherin) – would star in a forthcoming UK drama-thriller called Sapphire. According to the articles, “Mr. Keoghan will play a world-champion snooker player plagued by gambling addiction who escapes to China in search of a fresh start only to become indebted to illegal bookmakers and forced into a mortal dilemma; throw the biggest match of his life or save his soul.” Filming was supposed to start that fall, but three years later, there hasn’t even been an online whisper about the film.
The Rematch
In 2020, producer Len Evans released the snooker film Perfect Break, which I derided in my review as a “perfect bust.” Incredulously, it appears that Mr. Evans may be pursuing a sequel with The Rematch. Like Perfect Break, the film promises appearances by snooker household names Jimmy White and John Virgo, as well as the actor John Altman. However, as anyone knows who suffered through Perfect Break, Mr. White and Mr. Virgo had three minutes of stilted dialogue, literally done as talking heads. While it’s dubious The Rematch will live up to its tagline, “A comedy with balls,” I will give Mr. Evans credit: it takes balls to make a follow-up to Perfect Break. If you want to help make this “dream a reality” and support the film’s development, learn more here.
The Ruby Lion
Dmitry Lesnevskiy Jr. is a film director and a 2020 NYU Tisch School of the Arts graduate. Having directed multiple short films and music videos, he is now crowdfunding to complete his forthcoming billiards short film, The Ruby Lion. The movie is “the story of not only the unresolved conflict between a father and son, but the purification of one’s soul in purgatory.” If that’s not confusing enough, try this, “Having never lost a game of pool in over twenty years, a retired world 9-Ball Champion, Reuben “Ruby Howard” finally faces a worthy opponent. But the eerily persistent challenger confronts the legends’ love for the game, resulting in the ultimate sacrifice.” Yeah, I dunno either. But, at least the teaser shows clips from billiards movies Stickmen and The Baron and the Kid.
Billiards: Year One
After successfully adapting their stage play Billiards into the 2020 short film Billiards, Jon Cooper and Quan Malik Jones are now turning their attention to adapting their film into a television series called Billiards: Year One. It’s hard not to get on the Jon-and-Quan train, when you hear them wax philosophical about the sport. “Billiards can uplift and empower other creatives, particularly those we affectionately refer to as the underdogs…[Billiards] is a force that transcends boundaries, a catalyst for change, and a testament to the transformative power of storytelling.” While their GoFundme campaign has ended, you can follow their efforts at their website.
That opening, sharp-tongued retort suggests viewers may be in for two hours of ratatat pool-playing. And that wouldn’t be entirely wrong. Double Down South, which premiered at the 2022 Newport Beach Film Festival, is very much a billiards film, full of bank shots, hotshots, cheap shots, and potshots. But, if you’re expecting eightball, nineball, straight pool, three-cushion billiards, sixball, goriziana, Russian pyramid, tenfold carom, or any of the other myriad forms of the sport which have populated the billiards film genre, then pencils out and take a seat: you’ve got a new billiards education coming.
Written and directed by Tom Shulman, the Oscar-winning writer of Dead Poets Society, Double Down South takes place in the rarified world of keno billiards. Now, I’ve been writing about billiards and film since 2013, and for the record, I had never heard of the sport either. Keno billiards has a certain mythical folklore surrounding it. Even within diehard online billiards communities (e.g., AZBilliards), few have played it, some dismiss it (as largely a game of luck), and many have not heard of it. But, it’s most definitely real, and one requiring real skill. As someone once said, “If ya want to know how to turn a big stack of cash into a little stack of cash….start playing [keno billiards].”
The game is played on a pool table, with the two far corner pockets covered by a keno game board, consisting of rows of numbered holes. Players then trade shots, attempting to hit the billiards balls into corresponding or predetermined numbered pockets on the keno board. Rules are almost always local, but generally involve lots of betting and doubling of bets based on making the shots.
Keno billiards likely began in the early 1900s, during a wave of billiards board games, with names such as Amos and Andy, Hatta Boy, Pigeon Pool, Roulo, Scotch Pool, Star, and Turf. Keno billiards was among the most popular, though today there are only a couple of manufacturers of the board, and you’d be hard pressed to locate a (legal) game.
But, if you wanted to find an illegal game circa 1998, travel to (the fictitious town of) Kingsville, Georgia, the “keno capital of the world,” and head to Nick’s, an antebellum, dilapidated plantation house that now acts as a pool hall and diner for many bearded, beer-bellied, bubbas.
Into this Southern backwoods fraternity enters Diana (Lili Simmons), a bomber-jacket-and-beanie-cap wearing, belly-ring sporting stunner, whose drop-dead looks and slo-mo Southern drawl could raise Stonewall Jackson from his grave. Diana is the one who didn’t come to adopt a puppy, though it’s pretty obvious she didn’t randomly show up just to shoot pool, either.
Allegedly, she’s come to get good at keno. It’s a paper-thin story, but that doesn’t bother Nick (Kim Coates), the racist, misogynistic, proprietor, who’s only too glad to have such a hot piece of action as the main roadside attraction at his establishment. Indeed, Diana’s not two bites into her catfish sandwich, before Nick is propositioning her with a rednecked, blueballed, plan that’s all about making some green. In exchange for room, board, and teaching her the game of keno, Nick will promote Diana and stakehorse her for a percent of her winnings. It’s a harebrained proposal, all the more absurd given it’s based on watching her pocket only a few shots. With minimal deliberation, Diana accepts, setting in motion a dangerous and tense partnership.
So begins Diana’s tutelage, under the one working eye of good-natured Little Nick (Igby Rigney). In record time, she masters the game’s nuances and defeats a rogue’s gallery of high-stakes keno billiards bad boys, including Nick’s former show pony Douche, a lecherous “basement psycho” named Harvey Block, Tulsa, Rebel, and even Tony “Rooster” Rose. Along the way, she wins the warmth and admiration of Little Nick, the father Old Nick, the mansion matron Sheila, and all the local yokels, who are as impressed with her skills as they are mesmerized by her curves.
But, the real target is Beaumont DuBinion (Justin Marcel McManus), a Black keno champion, who allegedly once cheated Nick and paid with a beatdown and the loss of both kidneys. The hatred runs hot, and Nick wants nothing more than to beat Beaumont once more (and maybe for the South to rise again).
Beneath the baize there’s a lot happening in this genre-bending Southern Gothic, Western, Sports drama thriller. While the “surprise” ending is more predictable than a muggy Mississippi summer, Double Down South works primarily because of the intense characterizations and cat-and-mouse dynamics between the film’s two leads, Diana and Nick.
Ms. Simmons, largely a TV actress known for recurring roles in Banshee and Ray Donovan, imbues Diana with mystery and feminine toughness, while also showing complexity and vulnerability, as her motives are continually questioned. Her precarious alliance with Nick, played with hotblooded, unpredictable volatility by Mr. Coates, keeps the tension high. Viewers who enjoy Mr. Coates as Tig Trager, the fearless motorcycle club sergeant at arms from Sons of Anarchy, will not be disappointed.
As for the keno billiards, credit likely goes to cinematographer Alan Claudillo, who ensures the game playing, with its dull-but-difficult shots, does not turn into a putt-putt snorefest, but rather maintains some level of dramatic tension. It’s a challenging feat, and the lack of single continuous shots demonstrates how hard it is to film expert keno billiards, but ignoring any purist outcries, the sequences do not distract from the tempo.
Double Down South is having its live, digital premiere on February 24. To learn more about the movie, visit its website. A special thank you to Kim Dixon for providing me with advanced access to write this review.
Go online and search for ‘grandmothers playing billiards (or snooker).’ Aside from an article about Grandma Fatma, Turkey’s oldest snooker fan, or a Maltese nonagenarian who likes Stephen Hendry, the pickings are slim. Yet, the concept has a certain hip factor, as evidenced by the variety of available merch emblazoned with slogans such as, “Some Grandmas Play Bingo; Real Grandmas Play Pool,” “Never Underestimate the Power of a Grandma Who Plays Pool,” and my favorite, “My Grandma Will Break Your Balls.”
In fact, the concept’s popular appeal can be traced back at least to May 1987, during the second season of the British children’s television show SuperGran. In the “Supergran Snookered” episode, our favorite superpowered grandmother, Granny Smith (Gudrun Ure) demonstrates that aside from being able to jump tremendous heights and hear distressed communications from a long distance, she also shoots a mean game of snooker.The episode is available to watch below.
For the unfamiliar, SuperGran, which was based on a series of children’s books by Forrest Wilson, is about an elderly grandma who accidentally acquires superpowers when she is hit by a magic ray. In the guise of Super Gran, she protects the residents of the fictional town of Chiselton from villains such as Roderick ‘Scunner’ Campbell (Iain Cuthbertson) and his gang, the Muscles.
In “Supergran Snookered,” Campbell fortuitously realizes that the local overweight Cat Burglar, initially dismissed and denigrated as a “myopic mass of multitudinous flab” or a “quivering colossal crumb” is a snooker prodigy. Armed with his new secret weapon, the ever-scheming Campbell becomes a snooker promoter. As the narrator shares, “By the end of that day, Scunner Campbell was walking on air. Yes you could keep your Joe Johnsons, your Hurricane Higgins and your Whirlwind Whites, the next snooker sensation just had to be Fat Cat Burglar.”
As snooker fever envelopes Chiseltown, Campbell sets up the Chiseltown Snooker Championship, which ultimately draws the attention of Mr. McBigg, a resident gangster, who wagers 50,000 pounds (approximately $135,000 USD today). The match is supposed to feature Cat Burglar against McBigg’s stakehorse, Hot Shot Houlihan. But, complications ensue, leading to McBigg playing SuperGran, a last-minute substitute for Cat Burglar. Though McBigg initially disparages her as “the Tartan twit that jumps through walls,” he quickly becomes mum, as SuperGran runs 147 points for a perfect break.
The light-hearted episode allows SuperGran to showcase a variety of her enhanced skills, including accelerated cartwheeling, bicycle stunt riding, and superhuman strength. But, of course, it’s her snooker that really shines.
While the actual filming of the snooker is terrible (i.e., all potted balls, no set-ups, no continuous shots), the scene’s saving grace is none other than the real Willie Thorne, who watches from the stands, patiently awaiting his “few pointers” from SuperGran.
Many years before portraying iconic characters, such as New York Continental owner Winston Scott (John Wick), saloon owner and pimp Al Swearengen (Deadwood), and crafty conman Mr. Wednesday(American Gods), Ian MacShane played Ian Deegan, a Nottingham demolitions expert with a penchant for snooker, in the 1994 UK TV movie White Goods.
Few people have heard of the movie. Among those that have, it’s seemingly because Mr. MacShane has sex on a snooker table with a 24-year-old Rachel Weisz, still 12 years before her Supporting Actress Oscar. (No nudity, but lots of balls are unintentionally pocketed.)
But, don’t let the lack of familiarity with the film intimidate you. If you can find it – which is a big “if,” as I had to source White Goods on a rare film site that sent me an unmarked, burned DVD – then it’s well worth the watch.
Ian Deegan is rough, gruff, loud, and proud. He’s a boozer, a flirt, and a relatively decent snooker player. The yin to his yang is Charlie Collins (Lenny Henry), a soft-spoken teacher, who paints, excels at trivia, sips his drinks, and steers clear of the baize. They’re black and white neighbors in a blue-collar neighborhood, where surface differences don’t interfere with solid friendships.
Opportunity comes knocking in their working class hamlet when the producers of the game show Snooker Challenge have a last-minute cancellation and need to find a pair of new contestants. Thrust into the hurly-burly of the Lenton Lane Social and Snooker Club, the show’s producers settle on Deegan and Collins. It’s a quotidian decision for the producers, but it’s potentially game-changing for Deegan and Collins’ families, who imagine their lives transformed as a result of winning all those ‘white goods’ (i.e., historically white appliances such as washing machines, fridge-freezers, tumble dryers and dishwashers.)
And, boy, do they win! After a well-played first round when “points are prizes,” the blokes earn quite the booty, such as a month’s supply of white rum and white wine, plus a year’s supply of white cleaning powder. In round two, Deegan defeats the show’s snooker champ and former Crucible winner Paul Ryan. Finally, in the ultimate Pot of Gold round, Collins seemingly defies the odds by correctly answering why Van Gogh painted old boots during his Paris period.
Snooker Challenge is entertaining cinema, but it’s a brilliant lampoon of the British trivia-and-sports game shows that premiered in the ‘80s and ‘90s. Its most obvious target is Big Break, in which teams competed in a series of rounds in which one contestant’s success answering questions translated into advantages for that contestant’s teammate on the snooker table. Similar real shows included Full Swing (golf), and the genre’s progenitor Bullseye (darts).
The parodizing digs deep with its mockery of the game show’s (white good) prizes, imbecilic contestants, a toffee-nosed producer (who refers to the Lenton Lane Snooker Club as a scene out of Jurassic Park 2), a solipsistic snooker champ, and a dim-witted production assistant. But, it really sharpens its fangs with the portrayal of Mickey Short (Chris Barrie), the foul-mouthed Snooker Challenge host, who has a rat-a-tat stream of one-liners disparaging the game show’s prize girl, Lucy Diamond, a former Page 3 glamor model. “Juicy Lucy,” “Lucy with long legs, watch them go,” and “Oh, bounciest one,” are just some of the misogynistic monikers he snipes at her with glee.
White Goods isn’t content to limit its satire to game shows. Though not as sharp-toothed as some better known late-80s/early-90s send-ups of consumerism (e.g., They Live; Falling Down), the film’s final third pivots from game show to neighbor wars, as the outcome of Snooker Challenge is questioned and suggested to be rigged. Deegan and Collins, and even more so, their wives, become locked in a bitter rivalry over who deserves all the show’s spoils.
The formerly friendly families trade barbs as they try to outmaneuver one another for the prizes, once they are delivered. Selfish comments, such as, “Where is my microwave?,” escalate into hurtful insults that sting of classism and prejudice. The tension overflows as Deegan resorts to storing the white goods in his shed and wiring them with a detonative device, lest the Collins family try to steal them back.
It is only once the families children start mimicking their parents and trading blows over the mounds of merchandise do the mothers realize their avarice has gone too far. I won’t give away the ending, but let’s just say it’s pretty explosive.
Sure, in the 1988 episode “Mokkori Is the Best Medicine: A Pool Shot to a Pretty Hustler’s Heart” there’s the nobler underlying cause of helping Yuri protect her family’s pool bar, The Stardust, from being taken over by the gangster Ginji. But deep down, for Ryo, whose mind bugs out and eyes bulge out around beautiful women, it’s always about one thing: Mokkori!
Even skeevier, it’s not just the case of a Peeping Ryo; this guy can’t help acting on his lecherous libido. He literally engineers situations where he can attempt to grope women, peer under their dresses, or stare at their cleavage. 
While there are no topless women present, Ryo goes gaga when he spies the owner’s daughter Yuri, who is the “ultimate Mokkori hustler babe.” He accepts the case under the condition Yuri will teach him billiards, which is Ryu’s way of sneaking peeks while she demonstrates breaks, masse, and other assorted shots. Fortunately, Yuri is no tenderfoot, and she quickly neuters Ryo’s carnal instincts with some well placed cue jabs and ricochet shots.
